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Anna Bernsteiner (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

If you haven’t noticed, Christmas is around the corner. The smell of freshly baked cookies in the air, Christmas movies on TV and merry music coming from the radio. Ho ho ho, it’s gonna happen. Have you gotten all the presents yet?

Now, it doesn’t matter if you are a Christmas person or not, you won’t get around this one essential event.

Major. Super important.

It’s Christmas family dinner.

Oh yes, I remind you that it is socially EXPECTED that you attend, at least where I come from. Let me tell you how to survive a European family party – and I should know, I have survived many.

Being a guest invited to a Christmas party is very very rare, so feel extra special to get a look behind the curtains of this European family spectacle.

 

First and foremost, imagine it like this: it’s all nicely decorated, with a freshly cut Christmas tree with chocolate umbrellas, swiss chocolate balls, lights and ornaments that all match together. Eighteen individually wrapped presents sit under the tree, including grandma’s knitted socks, homemade brioche braids as big as your arm that taste like heaven and traditional fruit bread that only tastes good with apricot jam, if you ask me. Placed around the tree are two big, long dining tables, too many chairs to count — someone unpacked the patio furniture to get additional seating arrangements. The mountain range outside is not snowy because of climate change but greyish, and if you squint your eyes enough it looks like snow! Oh, it’s Christmas time. 

 

But food is the priority. If you ask anyone at the table why they are here, they will jokingly answer with, “Well, just for the food,” then laugh as if they’ve just made a really funny joke before conceding, “No, no, it’s so good to see you all.” 

Of course, this is all spoken in a language that even Google Translate doesn’t understand, so the FBI can’t listen in either. 

As I said, food is the absolute center of every European family. Why? Europeans love their food. They actually invented quite a lot of it, if you think about it. The Italians invented pasta, the Germans their sausages, the French their baguettes, the English well, baked beans for breakfast I guess, the Austrians the croissant . . . yes you read that right, Google it please, it’s true. Just a fact to throw in during your family dinner for distraction in case you need it 🙂 You are welcome. 

 

But let me just quickly give you an idea of why food is such an important part. First of all, we are talking about . . . Delicious. Homemade. European. Food . . . that a little kind grey-haired grandma just made by herself all morning long. With herbs that she froze from her own garden and eggs from the neighbor’s chickens, milk from the cows next door . . . you get the picture. You won’t ever taste anything like it. 

And that’s why everyone keeps showing up. But not just for the main dish. The desserts even get a separate little table.

Five — and I swear I am not exaggerating— ginormous cakes, each prettier than the last, are presented there in silent competition. Traditional chocolate cake, of course, next to something with lots of heavy cream, sugar, ladyfingers and rum. I won’t even bother describing it cause I could never do it justice. 

It’s always cake at this family party. After all, we love our pastries. 

 

And, as we are on the topic, I do believe every family has some basic types of characters attending their parties. The one uncle who always starts with politics and gets everyone into a heated discussion. The aunt that keeps pouring wine into everyone’s glasses without asking. A bunch of people sitting at the side not participating, the drunk cousin, and someone who just sits and observes all evening. And this observer is me. I know exactly how to survive that 6+ hour party. Trust me, you are in good hands. 

 

Rule Number 1: Start with staying in the background when entering the room, so you don’t have to shake 30 hands while making small talk about the weather and how much weight aunt Lilly lost. No, stay back, say hello to the people you sit with, and move on to Rule Number 2: Look for someone with good stories to get some laughs in. But remember Rule Number 3: Never make yourself the center of attention at this family party. 

 

Rule Number 4: The best tactic is to try and be first in line when it’s time to eat. Talk to grandma and casually wait until she announces that food is ready. There are 30 starving people behind you waiting, so you better put all you can on that plate and eat it. If you don’t eat it, somebody else will. 

 

Rule Number 5: Next, only one of the five cakes can be the most delicious. Figure out which one it is. Hire a cousin to help you taste test. Then cut a slice or two. Enjoy. 

 

Rule Number 6. The noise, you have to understand, will be astronomical. Prepare to be deaf for an hour after. The uncle discussing politics will start eventually, and you’d better be prepared for some real hardcore rock concert noise. These people have very loud voices to start with so imagine having to hit the table with your fist in order to get anyone’s attention. 

 

Rule Number 7: That takes me to my next point — sit somewhere where you can easily escape. Not right in the middle, next to relatives who can talk louder than a fire alarm. As I said, you don’t want to be the center of attention at any family party, and especially not with 29 relatives surrounding you. And the reason for that is simple: they know things about you that even you don’t know. 

 

Rule Number 8: In case you want to leave, don’t announce it or you won’t leave at all. Trust me, there will suddenly be so much to discuss about your life, childhood experiences and embarrassing moments. Which brings us to Rule Number 9: This is the reason why no one ever brings guests. 

 

There is an unspoken rule: Never bring a new boyfriend or girlfriend to family dinner unless the person can handle pressure, loud noises, screaming and answering questions to the satisfaction of a bunch of Europeans who all don’t agree with each other on anything but food. If you are vegetarian don’t come at all, or keep it a secret. Just don’t reveal too much while they pick you apart. 

 

And Rule Number 10: Come prepared! Have a drink or two beforehand, plan an excuse to leave and someone to pick you up, and grab as many chocolate umbrellas and swiss chocolate balls as you can before departing. 

 

And that’s it! Follow these rules and you are going to be alright and will easily survive any family party, unless . . .

Unless you are THE black sheep in the family. 

Then I just have one thing to say to you . . . Run. 

 

But this is all of course just a story, not at all based on actual people . . . well . . . who am I kidding, they can’t read this anyway. 

 

I hope your family party will be just as entertaining, with great food and great company — hopefully a little quieter, but just as jolly!

 

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Hi, I’m Anna, I’m a student and I write blogs for Low Entropy. In my free time I like to explore new countries and cultures, try new foods, languages and meet new people, and I try to write interesting articles 🙂