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Reflecting on the past shed light on Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Niklas Chiang’s persistent fear of failure. With this insight, Niklas was able to start mending wounds, both old and new.

 

I recently started a new job, amid the COVID-19 pandemic. I was scrolling through a job posting website when I came across a posting where the company was looking to expand and hire more behavioural interventionists (BI). A BI works under an applied behavioural analysis (ABA) therapist to implement programs to help children with autism develop social, cognitive, and fine and gross motor skills. I had just graduated from university and was looking to gain experience in both physical and occupational therapy. This job seemed perfect to gain experience in developing and implementing programs that I might one day use if I were to become an occupational therapist. I applied, got an interview, then received the BI position.

 

Since I did not have a background in psychology, I knew I would have to work a little harder to understand what the ABA therapist was saying and demonstrating. The sessions were not always easy to follow because there was so much to observe, and so little time to process everything. I decided to take notes instead, and reflect on the sessions when I got home. This continued for about a month before the therapist decided I was ready to handle my first 1:1 session with the child. When that day came, I woke up nervous but optimistic, excited and terrified. When it was time to start my session, I tried to apply all the techniques the ABA therapist taught me. In the end, the session did not follow the plan I had in mind, but the child made some improvements, so I was content. I talked about the experience the following day to my supervisor. She was thrilled to hear about the session and decided I was ready to learn more.

 

For the next few weeks, we worked together again, and just like before, we worked on many different areas. I took notes, went home to reflect on them, then tried to implement my learnings in the following session. Just like before, she believed in me after a few sessions of working together, so she scheduled another 1:1 session for me. This time, nothing felt right. The session was difficult because every attempt I made to teach the child was met with resistance. By the end of the session, I felt like a complete failure. I didn’t teach the skills I wanted to, and believed the next session would go even worse. This failure stuck with me in my head. My internal voice started ringing in my brain. It told me how much of a failure and a useless BI I was, and that the therapist would reprimand me for the poor session I had. I quickly became emotionally distraught and defeated. I wanted to go home and think about how I had failed to do my job correctly. I didn’t want to do anything else except remind myself of my mistakes.

 

As I was walking back to my car, I asked myself why I had such an intense reaction. My reactions were not new to me. I had always reacted to failure poorly, but never understood why. Only one memory stood out to me. I was in grade four and had my very first provincial exam. There were two sections: reading and comprehension, and math. Both sections were difficult, but reading and comprehension was much harder. When I got back my results, I saw that I had failed the comprehension portion of the exam. I told my parents that night, and was reprimanded for my poor performance. My parents could not believe the score I got, and as punishment, I had to rewrite my essay from the exam. I rewrote it a first time, showed my parents, got reprimanded, and was told to write it again. I rewrote it a second time, showed my parents, got reprimanded, and was told to write it again. It wasn’t until after the fourth or fifth try that they deemed the quality acceptable enough for me to stop. After each of my failures, not only was I scolded by my parents, I felt humiliated and left with more tears running down my eyes.

 

Although this happened many years ago, I still felt that humiliation when I thought about it. It was not until I took a moment to reflect that I started to see why my response to failure was exaggerated and detrimental. Every time I brought a new essay to my parents, I was met with criticism, which lowered my self-esteem and confidence. In psychology, this is termed “positive punishment” (McLeod, 2018). B.F. Skinner, the founder of operant conditioning, believed that behaviours can be modified based on whether they are met with reward or punishment

(McLeod, 2018). Pleasant rewards will reinforce behaviour, while unpleasant stimulus will

reduce behaviour (McLeod, 2018). There are four categories: positive and negative

reinforcement, and positive and negative punishment (Ackerman, 2020). It is important to highlight that punishment does not mean physical punishment, but anything that is unpleasant. In my situation, my parents unknowingly engaged in positive punishment. They introduced an unpleasant punishment (reprimanding me), which functioned to decrease my willingness to participate in a second attempt. The result? Failure-avoidant behaviour to prevent the humiliating experience from happening again.

 

So how did I overcome my failed session? I took a moment to reflect on it. Instead of letting the failures control and humiliate me, I decided to take control instead. I thought back to my mistakes and identified how I could improve for the next session. That shifted my perspective from seeing my session as a failure, to a session with many opportunities. I am not defined by my first attempt, nor necessarily my second attempt. I am defined by my ability to keep moving forward and improving in spite of my failures. I am trying to redefine my situation so I don’t have to live with this fear anymore. While my experience may not be unique or profound, it did help me understand a critical period of my life where failure left a scar I never let heal. I have a long journey ahead of me to overcome my fear of failure, but each step I take is a step in the right direction.

 

References

 

Mcleod, S. (2018, January 21). What is operant conditioning and how does it work? Retrieved

March 29, 2021, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html

 

Ackerman, C. (2020, October 17). 12 Examples of Positive Punishment & Negative Reinforcement Retrieved March 29, 2021, from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-punishment/

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