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Rowan Sanan (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

People entering and leaving our lives is as natural as a tide on a beach. We as people are always moving, changing and growing, so the relationships we have as kids in school quickly change later on in life. Those relationships can fall apart or drift away. Sometimes, people and relationships are torn apart by mortality itself. 

When I moved across the country, I struggled to be so far away from my friends and everything I knew and was used to. I did a really good job of keeping in touch with people at first, but it only took a couple of months for us to drift apart. I still talk to them every now and then, of course, to wish a happy birthday or make casual conversation about something they might have posted on social media. Still, I find myself missing them. Sometimes I’m resigned about it and don’t think I could have done much more. Other times I’m frustrated that I didn’t try harder to maintain those friendships, or that social media wasn’t as huge when I was a kid to keep us in touch. It feels awful, both physically and emotionally. 

Missing someone can bring sadness. Not a simple kind of sadness, either. It can be a complex sadness that is a mix of regret and grief—regret for that one thing left unsaid, that one secret never admitted. The grief for a relationship that never was what it could have been. Maybe even grief from loss. I lost my aunt several years ago, and even though I was never particularly close with her, I still feel everyone’s palpable grief whenever the whole family reunites and remembers that there’s one person missing. I see how my family mourn their missing sibling and daughter and I imagine how that must feel—having a sister myself, it’s petrifying. 

Missing someone can also bring anger. I’ll be the first to admit, seeing the people around me grow busier with time has led to frustration. I really miss them and I find that, sometimes, I can resent how busy they have become. However, part of life and growing up is learning to accept how these things change and still find a way to build community. This can be through many things, like finding new groups with shared interests, or even finding a new fun thing to share with the existing group. It helps me to reassure myself that my friends might all miss me too. 

Missing people can bring intense nostalgia. When I think about my childhood friends, I feel nostalgic for all the various things we would do together. We’d go to eat ice cream at the outdoor soft serve place and play capture the flag at the park, or tease each other for being too short—or too tall—to play the role of libero in volleyball. We’d play different games like four-square or grounders—my sister’s friend mentioned grounders the other day and I felt a huge blast from the past as memories of adrenaline-filled chases filled my mind. I hadn’t heard the name in years. 

Missing people can cause sleeplessness, loneliness, depression and anxiety. Humans are made to interact with others, as much as some of us might dislike it sometimes. Becoming attached to others is a result of that. So it is only natural to miss them and desire to be with them, even more so when we no longer see them. It’s a natural part of how we as people function, and is probably part of the reason why we build community the way that we do. We want to be close with those we care about, so we live near them and interact with them as often as possible. When separated by distance or even by death, it’s hard to grapple with the fact that we can’t see those people anymore. After all, missing people is associated with losing them in some way, shape or form. Along with emotions like sadness, anger and nostalgia, this can cause fear or terror, worsened by any sort of sudden separation.

Access to technology like phones and social media helps to an extent, since it allows us to communicate across barriers. Still, relationships that are maintained entirely online can often worsen the feeling of loneliness and yearning in any type of relationship. 

So how do we cope with missing someone, especially when it can’t be solved by a simple phone call or text? The first step would be to acknowledge that feeling. Understand that the sadness, the anger, the nostalgia and the yearning are normal parts of being human. Don’t be afraid to seek support from the people around you, or get advice and reassurance. 

Other methods could be finding new hobbies to occupy your mind, or writing out how you feel. If you miss someone because they have passed, this can be especially helpful as a coping mechanism. Honouring that person in some way can also help. Coping with loss is adjacent to but not the same as coping with missing someone, though, so methods for this will be different for everyone. 

In the end, it is important to embrace the fact that missing people is normal and comes with painful emotions. Coping with those emotions is important, but allowing yourself to feel them is important too. Nobody heals when they’re rushed, after all. 

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Rowan is a university student who loves to write books and poetry, read all kinds of books and spend time with his family and pets.