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Neema Ejercito (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

Please note that this article discusses sexual abuse.

The title couldn’t be any more cliché, right? But then, just because it’s cliché doesn’t make it any less true. I mean, as a smart friend once pointed out, that’s the reason it became a cliché in the first place. So what about my past have I let go? If I were to distill it into one word, family. And to say it in so many words, my idealization of my extended family. 

I fell into depression after I found out that my father attempted to sexually molest my niece. Not only that, the news triggered what had been done to me by my older brother when I was around five to seven years old. I wasn’t aware of my depression and the reason behind it though, until I started seeing a counselor. And even then, when I was getting better, she had to remind me that my first reaction was anger and denial. 

Since seeing my counselor, I have seen a psychiatrist, started medication, gone to the ER, seen another psychiatrist who encouraged me to join her group therapy sessions, changed medication, completed group therapy and started said psychiatrist’s recommendation of psychodynamic psychotherapy. I also post about my depression on social media, hoping to shed more light on the sickness that supposedly should not be discussed alongside cute pet photos, proud family achievements or fun travel photos. I have also started writing a memoir on my depression, hoping to combine it with some of my poetry, or perhaps publish a chapbook first.

As you can imagine, dear reader, this is a very difficult thing to write (perhaps read?) about. When I have sought writing advice from friends and mentors about my memoir, I have asked them about whether or not I should care what my family would think. One mentor who wrote about the sexual abuse she endured under her father said that she did not consult anyone in her family because it was her story to tell in the first place. I kept researching other memoirs and seeking advice from trusted friends. And when they would ask me what I’ve decided, I would give them the answer I give to you: I don’t know, but maybe as I write, the answer will come to me. And the more I write, the more I feel that I need to let go of what my family would think.

One of the things that was most difficult for me to let go of in my family was my idealization of my mother. I sought in her the first, supposedly finest, example of womanhood to influence my life. Perhaps I placed her on a pedestal. Maybe she contributed to that ideal by depending on her spirituality to defend her. But the work I need to do on myself is letting go of whatever does not work for me anymore. And what didn’t work was running to my mother for help in facing my demons, which included her demons and the other demons of the older women in her life.

As you can tell, dear reader, my healing journey is far from over. It has been a journey filled with the deepest thorns, but also the most helpful women, books, movies and family growth that continues to guide me on a road that used to feel so lonely.

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Neema Ejercito is a professional writer, director, and creative writing mentor. Her 3D edutainment series for beginning readers, AlphaBesties, is showing in Japan’s streaming platform, Prairie Kids. When she’s not writing or mentoring, she helps develop apps with her husband in their EdTech startup and manages her household with him and their two adults and teen.