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Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

For as long as I can remember, living with social anxiety has always made me feel like my soul is inhabiting a fragile shell. I am in a constant state of fear that any social interaction I experience may cause the slightest crack, thus giving the world more access to the worst parts of me, and if I were to continue to be social, it would be only a matter of time before my shell shatters completely and I am totally exposed. I try my best to put on a brave face and open myself up to others, but all I end up doing is reprimanding myself for all my inadequacies and social faux pas. For instance, when I finally get a chance to go out to a club with my friends, I become so excited about the opportunity that I’ll spend weeks fixating on every little detail, like what I should wear or how I am going to act, that when the day finally comes, I am paralyzed with fear. My stomach starts to ache and I sweat profusely, breathing in shallow breaths as the world spins, and even if I am lucky enough to make it pass the door and consume some liquid courage, it doesn’t end up mattering anyway because the alcohol causes me to make even worse social blunders, and so in the morning all I am left with is twice as much self-loathing. 

I suppose the thing that bothers me most in my case is that unless you are someone who knows me really well, you probably wouldn’t even guess that this is something I struggle with, since I am always super friendly, energetic, and open when talking with others and meeting new people. This is basically the definition of being social, so I understand why people would question the anxiety part. I suppose the best way I could describe my situation would be to say that the shell of unease surrounding me is a transparent one: just because you can see me clearly doesn’t mean the shell isn’t there. If you are one of those people who thrive in social situations, you should consider yourself very lucky, especially in this day and age when we are putting each other and ourselves under a microscope more than ever. Anxiety has always fed on human insecurities, but social anxiety in particular lives on a very special diet, so you’d think it would be easier to starve right? Unfortunately, since it is our nature as humans to be social, I cannot say with absolute certainty that there is a cure, or ever will be, for that fear, but there are remedies. 

I have lived on antidepressants since I was 13 and various other anxiety medications to help temper my panic attacks, and I am here to say there is no shame in that. It is because of these medications, combined with years of cognitive and dialectical behaviour therapy, that I am able to function in my everyday life. There are also some really bad days regardless of all the hard work I have done, but like I said earlier, a cure has not been invented yet, at least as far as I know. Thus, although my shell can be suffocating at times, I like to think of this as my incubation period, so that one day I can burst forth with every confidence in myself, and even if I feel a pang of anxiety in my encounters with others, I can still trust and respect my process. 

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My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I love to write. Low Entropy is a great organization that lets me do that with topics I am interested in while I am still trying to figure things out. More than anything, I just hope that my writing connects with someone and that I continue spreading positivity and awareness of mental health and the disabled community.