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Eri Ikezawa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

In my opinion, one of the most underrated skills amongst family, friends, partners and colleagues is the art of active listening. Assuming we are not hearing impaired in any way, we are all blessed with the sense of hearing our surroundings to some degree; however, there are many people who only do so passively — without intentioned, active listening. 

I think people truly underestimate how purposefully listening to one’s peers can really foster genuine relationships — just as we appreciate when others show unmitigated attentiveness in the events and interests of our lives, they do as well. 

As someone who truly does her very best to demonstrate active listening for whomever my interlocutor is, I am so sincerely appreciative for those who do the same for me. And alternatively, I find it frustrating and disheartening when people don’t reciprocate the gesture. 

Of course, as with most things, there are certainly caveats to this. For example, I don’t necessarily mind driving the conversation through the vehicle of inquiry and questioning when it comes to people whom I am not close with. In these cases, I find it alleviates social anxiety and concern that the conversation will revert to me, and I will feel pressured to share something with someone whom I don’t necessarily feel comfortable with. But it does feel like a one-way street when I invest effort and time into listening to people whom I care for and find they do not reciprocate. 

To ensure I remain pragmatic and fair, I must remind myself that, at any given time, it is entirely impossible to quantify the acts of love we demonstrate for others into a perfect 50/50 split. We cannot enlist the use of arithmetic measurement tools or high-tech scales to gauge how to perfectly slice the cake of affection into two halves — not to mention that, depending on the circumstances of each person’s life, one person might need more support than the other at any given time. 

Multiple times throughout my life, I have found myself battling frustration at feeling unheard. Imagine gritting your teeth, fighting the urge to scream over the sounds of clashing swords, the edge of each warrior’s blades gnashing together as they attempt to slash the other person open. It’s like verbal bile building up in your throat, combatting your desire to just bluntly ask, “Is it so hard to listen to me, and not just feel obligated to hear what I am uttering, especially when it feels like a chance to relate the conversation back to yourself and your opinion?” 

In other words, “Why won’t you try to listen to the heart, content and intention of my words?”

And truth be told, I find great joy and happiness in being able to support the people around me. I enjoy listening to people, meticulously prodding around their brain to figure out what makes them tick, and then applying new knowledge through the lens of someone else’s experiences to my own life in the future. But I have grown to realize that sometimes the wrong people do not appreciate this and take advantage of it. 

Despite all this, it is vital to attempt to see things in the perspective of someone else. I empathize that sometimes these people with whom I grow frustrated are not acting maliciously — perhaps they truly need guidance, support and love. And perhaps by listening, I am providing a panacea for whatever aches and pains ail their hearts. 

And these are all explanations for behavior, but they are not justifications for me to burn myself out at the expense of someone else. It is not that I am not compassionate to their struggles, or that I am choosing to be callously indifferent; it is simply that I am not an infinite resource of emotional energy, and I can only use my limited resource of buttresses to prop up people who will scaffold me when I need them as well. Otherwise, I will be expending my own personal capital whilst simultaneously burning the candle at both ends. 

It’s also important for me to note that I don’t condescend or patronize anyone else for being at a different stage in life than I am. But sometimes, while we are walking briskly ahead to our future aspirations, others are ambling behind, anchored by personal demons they need to defeat first. It is not about abandoning people at their lowest, it is about choosing yourself. And sometimes, you really do have to prioritize yourself and your mental health. 

And in turn, this has happened to me before too. There was a point in my life where my poor decisions and communication skills — coupled with my undiagnosed depression and anxiety — turned me into an unreliable person, unable to sustain long-lasting friendships. And there was a point where I desperately wanted to make amends with a friend whom I had wronged and turned my back on. 

And they refused. 

They were kind and direct, and open about their reasoning, but back when I was a walking pity party with an incredible lack of accountability, I simply couldn’t understand their decision. I thought it to be cruel and unforgiving of them to be so unbudging. 

But hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. 

Given where I am now and how I perceive the world, I have realized that there will be times where I must make the hard decision in order to improve the circumstances of my own life. Sometimes, when I face a fork in the road, I will actively have to choose people who will consider me and my feelings as well as their own. And that doesn’t make me selfish. 

The thing with listening to people — truly absorbing their anecdotes and angles like a plant seeks out sunlight during photosynthesis — is that there is so much we can imbue through their experiences and perspectives. Even now, when I struggle with my overzealous excitement to respond to someone before hearing them out in full, I remind myself how important it is to me to be heard. 

And I stop to listen. 

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My name is Eri Ikezawa and I have an extended minor in psychology and a major in linguistics. I’m still on the path to quelling questions about myself and the direction I want to head in, but in the meantime, I have always wanted to find a way to help others and contribute to a community dedicated to personal development and self-love.