Featured
Stories

Glenel Loring, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

People have proven that strategy and mindset aid change. Angry people can develop coping skills through treatment. They use positive self-talk to change reactions and behavior. They could transform their mindset. Most of us know someone we wish we could change to stop their destructive behavior.

But is it that simple? People resist change attempts despite the best efforts of others. They may stay the same despite receiving support. Seeing someone stuck in harmful behavior is frustrating.

Remember, change must come from within. Pushing unprepared people can lead to resistance and resentment. Support and encourage them. Respect their autonomy. Let them make their own choices for change.

Why “Changing Someone” is Problematic

The statement means changing someone’s deepest thoughts or behaviors. It doesn’t consider their liberty and free will. Their goals and wishes are their own.

Stages of Change

People go through different stages of change. These stages include:

1. Not thinking of change.
2. Considering change.
3. Preparing for change.
4. Making the change.
5. Maintaining the change.
6. Relapsing[1][2][3]

One of Mary’s Loved Ones is Hard to Change

When they met, Mary believed Peter was the one. Though she saw red flags, Mary wanted her relationship to work out. When Mary asked for a change, Peter agreed. After Peter’s short-lived change of heart, he returned to his old ways.

After eight years, she knew she could not change him. She felt like she was a failure. She stopped fighting and started working on herself. Mary realized she had her own changes to make.

She was prepared to reclaim her life. Mary did some research to find ways to cope. Here are a few things she learned:

1. Take a moment to think about why you want to change the person you care about. Is it to help them or help you?
2. Know that you fell in love with this person because of who they are, not what you want them to be. Enjoy what you fell in love with.
3. Tell someone you care about how worried you are, honestly. Do not criticize or judge others. Hear what they have to say and how they feel.
4. Show others how to change by being the best version of yourself. Don’t make other people change. Your exemplary behavior and mood might help your loved one grow.
5. If someone you care about wants to change back, encourage them no matter what.
6. Let your loved one know you accept them and set healthy limits. Be clear about your boundaries and standards.
7. Be patient and try to learn. Change takes time.
8. Take care of yourself. Changing others can drain you. When you need help, seek it.
9. Know how to let go. If your attempts are rejected or cause harm, consider how you do things.

Setting an Example

You can lead by example as someone who wants to effect change. By exhibiting desirable qualities, you encourage and inspire others. People will imitate someone they respect and find admirable. Every decision you make conveys a sound message. Others resonate with it and feel inspired to aim further. You can ignite profound change.[4][5][6]

Opposition to Change

Let’s explore the reasons people might resist change:

Fear of change: People hold on to what they know because it feels safer.

Desire for control: Feeling out of control can trigger resistance. When someone forces change upon a person, they may push back.

Energy and Effort: Change demands energy and mental effort. As we age, we may become less flexible and fixed in our ways.[7]

Insecurities: A loved one might resist your vision because it reflects their insecurities. They fear change will challenge their choices or disrupt their lives.

Empathy, patience, and understanding can help our loved ones navigate through whatever stage of change they may be in.

Set Realistic Expectations

Change requires time and realistic goals. You can hurt yourself and others when you try to force or hurry change. Create a place that helps individuals. Help the people you care about decide on and take charge of their growth.

Respect Boundaries

Give help and words of support. Respect the other person’s space and right to be left alone. Remember that they are the ones who can choose to change. Do not force or control their decisions; this can worsen your relationship.[8][l9][10]

Seek Help

A therapist or counselor may help someone through a hard change. As a caring family member or friend, you may not have all the answers or tools to help your loved one. It’s okay to suggest seeking professional guidance when needed.

Conclusion

It’s challenging and frustrating to change someone. Adapting to others’ paces is necessary. Show, by example, the benefits of change. Focus on getting to know yourself and setting limits. Start with yourself to heal and grow. Change is possible, but it’s not a given. Engage in activities that bring hope and well-being to your life. In a way that gives them power, use your influence. Remember that self-awareness and setting limits are the first steps to healing. Take care of yourself first.

References:

[1] Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1983). Stages and processes of self-change of smoking: Toward an integrative model of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51(3), 390-395.

[2] Prochaska, J. O., & Velicer, W. F. (1997). The transtheoretical model of health behavior changes. American Journal of Health Promotion, 12(1), 38-48.

[3] Norcross, J. C., Krebs, P. M., & Prochaska, J. O. (2011). Stages of change. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(2), 143-154.

[4] Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.

[5] Schunk, D. H., & Usher, E. L. (2019). Social cognitive theory and motivation. In R. M. Ryan (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Human Motivation (2nd ed., pp. 11-26). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

[6] Morgenroth, T., Ryan, M. K., & Peters, K. (2015). The motivational theory of role modeling: How role models influence role aspirants’ goals. Review of General Psychology, 19(4), 465-483.

[7] Lachman, M. E., Teshale, S., & Agrigoroaei, S. (2015). Midlife as a pivotal period in the life course: Balancing growth and decline at the crossroads of youth and old age. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 39(1), 20-31.

[8] Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

[9] Whitbourne, S. K. (2011). 13 reasons we resist change. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201110/13-reasons-we-resist-change

[10] Peetz, J., & Kammrath, L. (2011). Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(5), 887-904.

—

Leave your thoughts for Glenel in the comments below. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!