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Matthias Preston (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer.

For most of my life, I have felt haunted by unconscious patterns of abusive behavior from those around me. These patterns were passed down through generations, until they finally reached me. Such patterns do not have to be exclusive to our families, but can even be shared across our species. The human body carries deeply ingrained memories of how to survive, no matter how maladaptive those methods may be. For years, these methods served as my protection. As a result, I saw my body, my humanity, my own existence as the source of the problem.

The good news is that our body also carries the wisdom to heal. I find that proper healing is not a quick fix—in fact, I have been forced to move slower than I ever have while my surroundings demand that I produce tangible results as fast as possible. This body, once framed as a limited confinement to liberate myself from, became the very thing I needed to embrace.

Only once I started respecting the body’s own agency, and all its aspects of consciousness that we do not consciously control, was I able to begin embodying it. The body knows that we are meant to embrace living, and that only love and respect can fill our cups. It also understands that difficulty may occur, and it will fight to ensure that you see the day that your cup is full once more.

Patterns exist, dynamics exist; we recognize them, and though they start out as intangible, they produce consequences in reality. We create stories to “catch” them. They are alive with the potential to grow and change as much as we do, as living humans.

When I have endured abuse, I did not exclusively tell myself positive stories, or only seek out positive stories from others. Doing so would deny myself a story of authenticity and integrity. My abusers have their own stories: ones they’ve learned from others, and the ones they’ve written for themselves. 

I spent a long time getting frustrated over their stories, trying to re-write and edit areas that I thought could use some work. This never ended well for either one of us. I could not write their story for them.

My abusers would also impose their worldview upon my stories. They would edit and rework, but most of all, they would erase and ignore important information altogether. Even as this process occurred in real time, pointing it out would be denied and ignored.

I feared becoming like my abusers, and I worked to make the unconscious patterns conscious again. This required some acceptance of the ways I did resemble my abusers’ behavior, which broke down the fear. This paved the way for a whole new pattern, and a whole new story of my own to tell.

Being abused taught me that I already have everything I need. In truth, I don’t see the work of healing as “learning” anything, because I already know—it is more of a remembrance, a reminder, accompanied by the wave of relief washing over me once I recall where a critical piece of understanding was left at.

Even so, I am astonished at what I find as I continue to dig deeper. My compassion and patience reaches far beyond the limited expectations that were constructed for me. It is like essential medicine that we all carry and yet many are deprived of and disconnected from. Because of this significance, I handle my thoughts, words and actions with great care—not because someone demands it from me, but because I know and respect the power within myself.

Nourish this hidden wisdom—tend to your garden. Then you have the opportunity to remember yourself, over and over and over again.

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Matthias is an artist and animator currently residing on Coast Salish lands. He enjoys writing spiritually driven blog posts and relocating spiders to the coziest parts of his house.