Cassandra Di Lalla (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
When it comes to watching other people improving faster than you, I feel like it’s up for interpretation because there are some things to factor in. It’s just so subjective. What were the circumstances? Was it something that was influenced by past trauma? What (or who) made them want to improve for the better?
For me personally, it depends on who I’m being asked about. If someone asked me what it feels like to watch my brother improve faster than me, I’d tell them that it doesn’t surprise me. My brother’s always been dedicated, motivated and driven in every single capacity. He challenges himself if he needs to, if it means he’ll achieve something great or even just because he simply can.
On the other hand, if someone asked me what it feels like to watch other people improve faster than me (excluding family)—my response would be wildly different. If I don’t know that person, then I feel as though I shouldn’t have to concern myself. Is it upsetting when someone else is improving faster than you are? It sure is. But we don’t know their backstory. We don’t know the trials and tribulations prior to their success. So for us, it’s just surface level. “Oh, so-and-so is bettering themselves and their life a hell of a lot quicker than I am,” blah blah blah. Underneath all of that, it could very well be “I’ve been working day-in and day-out for a decade to try and get my life in order yet I can’t seem to get where I want to be.”
The world is full of greed. You know, the whole “I wish I had this and I wish I had that.” Meanwhile, there are people out there dying to live the life that you feel is so unbearable. There are some people who’d beg and plead just to have the bare minimum, yet many of us complain because the temperature in our house is either too hot or too cold.
I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life, and I’ll take some responsibility for that, but not all of it. The flip side to that or the reason everything came to a halt is due to feeling incapable of living without completely losing control. But who’s to say I haven’t lost control of my life?! Because I sometimes feel like I have. It seems that no matter what I do or say, I’m still unable to reach the top of the stinkin’ mountain.
When I see that other people are doing much better than I am, it sometimes discourages me because I feel defeated. Other times, it gives me a swift kick in the behind to try even harder to match or surpass the efforts of others. Unfortunately, I often get discouraged although I try not to compare myself to others because it isn’t a competition by any means. It’s awful when you’ve been doing the best you can, only to realize that your best doesn’t seem good enough. But that’s an illusion, because your best is more than good enough. As long as you’re putting your all into it, then who’s to say that what you did wasn’t enough? You can challenge yourself if you so choose to, but you cannot compete with yourself since you’re already on the same team.
I’m sometimes envious of people. Envious of their strength, willpower, resilience and self-discipline. I’ve always had a hard time fighting off the “I can’t” to turn it into “It’s difficult, but I can and I will.” Once I know I’m able to, great, but then fear and anxiety both stop in for a visit and they say, “But what if you can’t anymore?” That’s where the determination turns right back into discouragement, and defeat settles in a little too comfortably.
It takes a very strong mind to be able to push through physical challenges, but an even stronger mind to fight off mental exhaustion to then start physical challenges and withstand them at the same time. Oh, another thing—try it without falling back into a depression and snuggling up real close to the unknown. It’s a lot.
We weren’t meant to barricade ourselves in our thoughts, but I feel that we were also never told how to break down the walls that led us to those thoughts. We all know that the mind is powerful. If our thoughts tell us we can’t or don’t want to, then our bodies won’t. But if our thoughts tell us that we can and that we want to, then our bodies will.
We weren’t born to live somebody else’s life, and we weren’t born to have someone else dictate how we live ours either.
Thankfully, I’m very self-aware; however, even after all these years, I’m still learning a lot about myself and others in the world. I’m only human so, yes, I do get upset when I’m not able to achieve things as quickly or improve as fast as other people. But I’m trying to adopt new behaviours, one being acceptance, and it’s darn difficult but I’m getting there.
Until then, I can only hope that I’m able to achieve what I want when timing allows and do so with grace.
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Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create.