Grace Cheng (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
I hid for most of my life. I became smaller, shrinking into myself while my classmates laughed, told stories. I was not able to raise my voice, and I thought I was invisible. If you have been to this point, you are not alone. For us, we were hiding behind fear thinking that all the things that were happening to us were not important.
I did not even have a word for confidence back then. I did not know what it meant or felt like. I was looking at myself, mired in self doubt, hoping to go unnoticed. That quiet formality was with me from childhood and into adulthood.
My adulthood came with a huge change when I started my job at the bank. What was hardest for me and what helped me grow up was that I could not talk to customers. On my first day, I was anxious. Watching others that I thought knew how to “do it,” I tried to imitate them. But at that time, I was hopeful and scared. I was scared that something would go wrong and I could not meet expectations.
I would be indecisive, held back as a client would come in and talk to me. I would feel nervous when I looked at my work. I would not strive for perfection. I would hear my head saying, “You are going to mess this up again. They are going to catch on.” I would imagine everyone saw me as insecure and unsure.
I watched people around me get promoted, even the ones who had not been there long. Meanwhile, I stayed quiet and invisible. Without really noticing, I started believing my ideas did not matter. That belief had roots way back in my childhood. Eventually, I got desperate to break out. I shared an idea with a coworker, just one, and she actually listened. That was my first real step. I realized then that I had been holding myself back. So I promised myself I would just start speaking out a little bit. Just as I was walking home from work, I was so furious about all the time I had wasted being quiet. I wished I had woken up earlier.
It all became too much to carry one evening at home. I broke down. I was more upset than ever. I cried. All that hiding was getting to me. I did not realize it instantly. The frustration helped me decide. I found out that change took time, small steps and mistakes. One day at work, sitting on a windowsill, I was again struck with that fear, but this time I did not freeze. I took a breath, and I turned it into courage. I approached my supervisor, heart racing, hands shaking. I said, “I had some ideas about how we could make our process better, and I would love to talk to you about them.”
I said to myself, “Just one step. That was all it was. I promised myself to take one step today with you.”
I started speaking up in meetings. Sometimes I talked up my ideas, sometimes I was just asking questions. I straightened up a bit when nervous. I was scared, but I forced myself to speak up. It seemed like nothing to anyone else, but for me, it was huge. My supervisor smiled and said I had a good eye for details. I could feel my shoulders relaxed, finally breathing. It was not about having skills. It was about being seen.
I was starting to talk and step forward. Finding my place no longer scared me. While sitting by the window, I imagined my younger self beside me with her hands clenched. My story was a combination of doubts and the strength to keep going. As I looked in the mirror, I smiled carefully, turning fear into confidence. I whispered, “I always felt so alone.” It was only me I could think of. But I had been here all along. I knew courage grew slowly, like all good things. With every small success, in just the right way. One step at a time, it was constructed incrementally. A shy girl could develop into a woman who trusted herself.
Take one brave step today. That might be in sending an email, joining a group or introducing yourself to someone new. Each of these steps are like a brick to your confidence and your path to success. The real message is that every single step you take, you are opening the door for yourself and moving one step further into having confidence in your actions. Let your mentor or your friend that you trust know about your journey, because talking about it will make the road a little smoother and let them know that you are not going down this path alone.
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Grace has an accounting and finance background. She enjoys reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and playing sports.