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Rowan Sanan (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

The older I get, the more I feel that I should be getting used to change. Still, even as a university student whose life is constantly changing, I never get used to it. Every change that comes about has been anxiety-inducing, but I have to accept that sometimes they can be enlightening. I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I value in my work and my friendships and relationships. 

Speaking of friendships, bonds that we make with people can constantly grow and change because we as people are constantly growing. Our views and perspectives begin to shift, as well as our interests and what we choose to focus on. Even though friendships are such beautiful relationships, they can change too. Just as we outgrow clothes with age, we also outgrow our surroundings. 

For example, a friendship can drift apart naturally as people make different friends as they get older and choose to follow different paths and interests. They can also drift if someone falls into the wrong crowd and the other chooses to distance themselves for any particular reason. There are a multitude of reasons for why a friendship can change, and often it has to do with age and our development as people—or lack thereof. 

My friendships have shifted too. Some of my friends barely talk, some have formed stronger bonds with each other or with other people and we’ve all begun making new friends through our new environments at work or school. These bonds diverge and lead us down different paths as we forge our lives. Friendships are so complex in this way. We share our values and interests with people and find such intricate commonalities, but who’s to say that we will still enjoy or have time for those interests as we grow older? 

I don’t know if it’s a bad thing to outgrow friendships. 

It’s inevitable for it to cause pain because of the immense connection and resulting nostalgia. That is how it felt for me, as though all the work that went into the relationship was for nothing. Our interests had just shifted so much over the years that there was no longer any common ground. However, as much as it felt like it, that didn’t mean that the connection was for nothing. My friends and I have been through some of the worst parts of our lives together, and nothing can take that away. These friendships are built on strong trust and care that has been there for years. 

Still, we have to respect each other as we change, shift and grow as people. As we navigate these shifts in connections, we need to communicate about how we feel about the situation. If the friendship isn’t favoring anyone, it isn’t worth the pain and stress the upkeep of the relationship will cause. People part ways from romantic relationships all the time due to changes in interests, and the strain that it causes on the relationship when they try to force themselves to be together is always present. Friendships can be treated similarly—if one party is unhappy, why should they cause themself immense agony trying to be someone they’re not? 

I think self-reflection is also an important part of that. When we consider our needs, values and boundaries, we understand better what we want in the people we surround ourselves with. We can approach the situation with calm, level heads and kind, honest communication with the people around us. 

It is an extremely difficult conversation to have, though. It is so painful for everyone involved to admit that there is a disconnect that needs to be addressed—sometimes it feels easier to just let the issue continue so you don’t have to address it. But that only worsens the issue for everybody involved, so the bravery to have that conversation is important. It is an essential part of ensuring the relationship can be amicably addressed and discussed. 

There is also always the hope that, while it is possible to outgrow a friendship, it is also possible that, just like an article of clothing, you can replace it with something just a couple of sizes up. That conversation is the first step towards achieving that. 

One of the great things about friendships is the fact that they are always changing. It can actually be beneficial sometimes that people are constantly shifting, because it opens the doors to so many new connections and ideas that can bring people back together. That discussion can help both sides feel more inclined to figure out new ways to connect and evolve together instead of apart. 

Of course, irreparable relationships are always possible. There is always a chance that I have to part ways with people I care about because it causes one or both of us more stress than joy to keep the friendship alive. But no matter what, we can always take something good away from the relationship. Over the years, we have developed as friends and individuals thanks to each other’s influence. Even though we no longer share the same interests and passions, we still share those experiences, and that is what matters most to me. The time we spent together is immensely important to me and shapes me as a person to this day, and I can’t imagine a life without the friends I have made along the way. 

Even as I change and either outgrow or grow with the people around me, I will always appreciate their influence in my life. 

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Rowan is a university student who loves to write books and poetry, read all kinds of books, and spend time with his family and pets.