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Ananya Rajkumar (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I have always been a very anxious person. It doesn’t exactly help that university life is very stressful and that for the last two years, everyone has been trying to survive a pandemic. Many people struggled with their mental health during this time, and unfortunately I was one of them. I was in my senior year of high school when the world went into a lockdown, and because of this I never had a graduation, or a prom or even my first year of university. To some this might not seem like a big deal, and honestly a part of me didn’t care too much about things like prom, but it didn’t change the fact that I felt like I’d missed big developmental milestones in my life. I was 18 years old, and instead of going out into the world and discovering myself, I was at home and struggling through online learning. I had never felt so alone and lost. I became depressed and more anxious than I had ever been, and the worst part was that I had no idea how to cope.

 

This was when I fell in love with reading. I would immerse myself in fictional worlds and live vicariously through their characters because I couldn’t handle the pressures in my real life. My brother would make comments like, “Why are you so sad? Everyone is going through the pandemic, you are not the only one,” which was ridiculous. Just because many others might be experiencing the same thing doesn’t diminish your own pain.

 

At the time though, what he said really got to me, because there were a lot of people who thrived in the pandemic, who took this pause to better themselves or take some much-needed rest. I criticized myself for not being like them. I always had a more negative mindset, but that never used to bother me until then.

 

All in all, it was a tough year, but I was so grateful for my mom, who was so understanding and encouraged me to talk to someone, and for my friends, who made me feel less alone because they felt the same way. I am also grateful for the Low Entropy community, which I joined because my own experience made me passionate about advocating for mental health and self-betterment. 

 

It’s around a year later and I am so much happier now, school is back in person, and I am living in a student house and trying to enjoy everyday life. The biggest change was not external but more internal, and it was because I adopted a different perspective. I stopped having these extremely high expectations of how life should be and tried to find happiness in the small things, like getting my favorite coffee, watching the sunset as I walk home, talking to my parents on the phone or maybe reading a good book. I would look at my days as a collection of little moments, some good and some bad, but either way I would try to enjoy them. I really tried to fall in love with life, no matter what it looked like. 

 

I was inspired to write this article for a long time, but what finally spurred me to type was a text I received from my mom. I had a very stressful weekend and had just completed a very hard midterm which did not go so well, but instead of letting it crush me, I chose to focus on how I could do better next time and the things I could do to enjoy that day. This is what I had told my mom when she asked me how I was feeling the next morning, and her response made me smile. 

 

“Good job getting through yesterday. It’s important to enjoy the difficult days as well . . . funny, but that’s a secret I discovered.”

 

Her message reminded me of how much I’d grown in the past year, and how there are not only bright spots in horrible days, but how sometimes we can appreciate hardships too, since they are what make us grow as people. 

I am happy that the world is starting to heal, but if you’d asked me a year ago if I wished the pandemic never happened, I would have agreed without a doubt. Now, though a part of me still mourns what could have been, I am grateful for the things I’ve learned about myself and the person I am today. No matter what the future holds, I know that I will still try and find a way to love life, and I hope you all will too.

 

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My name is Ananya Rajkumar, and I am a third-year life science student at McMaster University. Some of my hobbies include reading, drinking overpriced coffee and creating anything from works of writing to new recipes. I am passionate about advocating for mental health and hopefully by sharing my journey and thoughts through blog writing, I can help create change.