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Jihu Lee (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Have you ever been advised to not evaluate your life in the middle of the night when you’re tired? I find myself taking that approach when writing; I typically write in hindsight with a relatively placid mindspace that enables me to talk about the past as if it doesn’t hurt me anymore. But this time, I am breaking my own rule.

 

I just finished my first semester of sophomore year in university. On campus! In person! It felt surreal when my family and I drove from Utah to Los Angeles in August. And I was careful to be grateful for every moment.

 

The thing is, I don’t think the majority of us were prepared enough for the return to “normalcy,” whatever that means now. We did have mask mandates, vaccination requirements and a daily symptom check in place. But I realized quickly that adjusting to society again after a year and a half of isolation was far more difficult than expected, and certainly not one that masks or vaccines could address.

 

Of course, I was thrilled at the prospect of in-person classes and learning from amazing professors as well as finally connecting and reuniting with fellow friends. But I felt like a person learning a new skill all over again. My abilities were still intact, but the motions felt awkward and unfamiliar.

 

There is not a word that will accurately capture the feeling of sudden detachment while in the middle of a conversation with someone. Or when there are approximately 44,000 other students on campus with you and yet you are lonelier than ever. At one point, it felt like I forgot that a normal conversation typically begins with a “hello.” Moreover, the idea of others perceiving not just the upper half of my body on a screen, but my entire self, was so bizarre.

 

We are people desperately craving connection while deeply unsure of how to attain it after missing out on proper socialization during some of our most formative years. 

 

Something that is both comforting and despairing is the fact that nearly everyone is feeling this uncomfortable adjustment. We all seem to be pretending to get along fine and appearing to be in lively social circles, but truthfully, I think most of us are uncertain and lost.

 

Not only are socialization and interpersonal connection difficult, but we are all shouldering our own burdens to begin with. Whether these battles have been a part of our lives since childhood and amplified during the pandemic or newly born from it, the bottom line is that we are already fighting something on our own. To try to build relationships at this time in our discombobulated worlds is not an easy task.

 

We are now in Season 3 of the coronavirus pandemic. I was 18 when we first went into quarantine, and now I am 20. To all of you with bleeding hearts and broken visions for the future — especially to young people waiting to live again — take a moment to be proud of yourselves for making it so far.

 

This experience is not over for me or any of us yet, so it’s challenging to talk about it coherently and neutrally like it’s far behind us now. Despite all that has happened in the past nearly two years so far, I am often at a loss for words to describe it all. But what I do know is that I’m willing myself to move forward, even though I don’t know what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. In fact, most of the time I don’t feel any progress at all, like I’m just a stone in a river as the water rushes past me.

 

I hope that anyone who relates can feel some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Your feelings are unique to you and are not the same as anyone else’s, but in your struggles and depths of despair, I see you and encourage you to keep going. If it’s hard to feel hopeful, then perhaps let’s not force ourselves to find hope at once. But rather, feel whatever you’re feeling at the moment and acknowledge that.

 

Bit by bit, I want to believe that we will find ourselves again. None of it is easy or as inspirational as a cute quote on the internet. But as the days go by, I remind myself that all I can do at the moment is not give up and keep going forward.

 

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My name is Jihu, and I’m from Salt Lake City, Utah! I have been with Low Entropy since May 2021. Some of the things I love are reading, writing, listening to music, playing with my dogs and spending time with my sister!