Cassandra Di Lalla (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
If there’s one thing that we’ve suffered through in one way or another, it’s trauma.
This is a very sensitive subject, but it’s so important to talk about it and to feel heard, because we have no idea what battles the people around us are fighting and we have no idea where their trauma stems from.
We cannot put a name, face, age, height, weight or anything else to trauma, because trauma does not discriminate.
I’m pretty forgetful with things overall, especially petty stuff, but boy do I remember my traumas. I’m able to walk you through every little detail because my brain just can’t let go of any of the things that have caused physical, emotional and psychological harm. There were people and situations that have created these traumatic experiences. Some traumas never flee.
We already know that what we’re going through may not be the same as what the person beside us is going through. And even if it was, we all handle things differently, in our own ways. We may do things a certain way for comfort or for our safety. Trauma does not allow for us to be comfortable, nor does it allow for us to feel safe. I do believe that’s a big part of the reason why it’s such a personal experience when it comes to having to face the aftermath.
I’ve had countless traumatic experiences and honestly, those are not things I want to encounter ever again. My memory haunts me, because remembering everything about these traumas is essentially experiencing your worst possible fears coming to life on repeat.
These experiences make you feel like you’ll lose complete and utter control of everything in your life.
For me, my traumas are the bane of my existence. Day in and day out. I feel as though I can’t escape any of it. It’s like I’m being ambushed by all of my trauma, and the response I receive is “Hey there, didn’t mean to scare ya . . . just kidding, yes I did . . . surprise attack! Here I am—you know the drill.”
It’s a comedic act for trauma. It has a good laugh and then, “Okay, see ya tomorrow—same time, same place.”
I’m sorry, but what even is that?!
It doesn’t matter how many good memories I have stored in my mind, because somehow, the bad memories always trump the good ones. Why? I hate that! It causes so much distress.
It seems to be getting worse over time, and I have no idea how to make sense of it. The best way I can describe it is that perhaps those scenarios are sinking in deeper and marinating in my brain. Gross description, yes, but I know it’s relatable for many.
Have you ever felt like, “Wow, I’ve got this—I’m doing good today!” and then your brain says, “Don’t lie. You’re in a black hole and you remember every single detail and every single experience, but you’re also fearful of so many things now.”
I find that trauma belittles you and makes you feel so uneasy. You’re constantly in fight-or-flight mode and you’re constantly reminded that your brain is the boss, whether you like it or not. Your brain basically dictates how you’re going to feel, what you’re going to say and everything in between. Who would have ever thought that being a prisoner in your own body would be the “norm” one day?! It was never something I ever looked forward to, but now that I’m living it, I can honestly say that it’s absolute trash. What a disaster.
Here are some personal struggles that have caused pain in more ways than one:
1. Relentless bullying and harassment in high school and college, getting beaten in high school, being mocked by teachers and looked down on, etc . . .
2. Being followed by people I don’t know—that was nuts!
3. Domestic abuse/violence—it’s a little too common nowadays, but people are afraid to speak up. I was afraid to speak up at the time for fear that nobody would believe me or that it would make things worse.
4. Multiple car accidents that nearly ended my life (as well as some of my family members’ lives).
5. Near-death experiences other than motor vehicle accidents.
6. Death in the family—some of which affected me much deeper than others (and still do to this day).
I will not list any others because I think the ones mentioned paint a pretty clear picture without going into graphic detail or having to bring up any other vile experiences. This is why I feel it’s absolutely necessary that we use our voices to initiate conversations, because if we’re not opening up and seeking support, we’re leaving ourselves in the dark and not allowing ourselves to be found.
I really hope you all find peace, comfort and relief, knowing that there are other humans just dying to find you and connect with you. You may be struggling, but you may be another person’s solace. They may be struggling, but they may be your solace. Sometimes, through traumatic experiences, you soul search and end up not having to struggle alone or suffer in silence.
There’s beauty in that: humans restore faith in humanity for other humans.
—
Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create.
