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They say that breaking up is hard to do. Ava Ingram knows that it’s true. Ava got through it though, and the Low Entropy volunteer writer shares her best practices on sorting out the aftermath.

 

You’ve done your best, and given your all. You’ve had enough of the emotional roller coaster ride and gaslighting your partner was putting you through. You need to find a way out . . . then they decide to turn around and break up with you first. What’s next?

 

Give them a second chance to prove themselves, one last time . . . but when they screwed that up again . . .

 

A sense of relief.

 

They said they’d always be there for you, but in the end, you were just left trying to take care of yourself. And everything you said to your partner, they just turned around and fired back at you.

 

What’s helpful in these times when you feel like you want to punch someone, like all hope is lost?

 

Taking an “easy way out” with drinking or using drugs wasn’t for me. I chose the harder route, but I knew that I’d have to deal with it myself because, until I had somewhat processed it, I would never be able to move forward and love myself, or anyone else, again.

 

When you’re sitting in your bed all alone in the dark, thinking, “Everything’s useless,” “I can’t do anything,” and “I’m no good,” it’s a start to think, “At least I’m trying to get better.” It’s very hard to try and trick/reroute your brain when you’re in a dark place and don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone says, “It’ll get better,” but you don’t really trust that it will. Why do things seem so easy for others in your time of struggle? How do they seem to get by with nothing crappy happening to them?

 

The hardest part for me was dealing with empathy. I’m a very empathetic person, but it can come back and bite me in the butt. I felt very bad for my boyfriend after we broke up the first time. He was dealt a bad hand, as he’d had a rough childhood. I felt bad for him, his family and his pets, as they were stuck in that “welfare mentality” and didn’t want to get better. He’d once told me he wanted to get fit. And my mom explained to me that, in the same way mentally, I couldn’t “work out” his brain for him. He’d have to change for himself, and if he never did, that wasn’t on me. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it was true.

 

Medication is an aid, but there are some issues that medication can’t magically fix if you don’t confront them head-on.

 

Surrounding yourself with a good support group is always good. You might not always like your family members, but in my experience, mine have always been there for me in my time of need.  Therapy is helpful. Helping you be aware that you want to get better is the first step, but you  have to want and be able to put in the effort, even when the going gets tough. I’ve been told it’s good to “feel things through,” but at the same time, it shouldn’t give you permission to sit around and feel crappy all day, soaking in those feelings. At some point, you’re going to have to confront your fears of returning to work, and resume life as “normal.”

 

I showed up to work a few days after the breakup. It was hard keeping it together, and then I just sort of lost it all at once. That was embarrassing, and at the same time, I was like, “How am I gonna keep it together for the remainder of my shift?” Somehow, I just did. Don’t get me wrong, it was extremely hard, and I lost it again after work. But somehow, with practice, it gets a little easier. I’ve heard a good way to calm anxiety is to say, “I’m ok,” but in that moment, you don’t really feel ok, so it’s really tough.

 

Watching a movie as a distraction was always helpful. But that was just it, it was only a distraction, and wasn’t dealing with the actual issue at hand. The one thing I learned was the PERMA-V model. The “P” stands for positive emotions. So this would be the time to watch something that makes you smile, or that is funny. The “A” stands for achievement. If writing/being creative is one of your gifts, find something to do that involves that. This is a good distraction.

 

Golden nuggets are another very useful thing I’ve learned. Counting your blessings/things that make you happy is a good way of focussing your brain on the good instead of the bad.

 

After you’ve cooled down a bit and had time to process the situation, putting yourself out there to potentially get judged and ruined again is very hard to do. But in the end, if you don’t try, you’ll never know what you could be missing, which is a very hard pill to swallow. And if I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be in the good place I’m in now.

 

Same dating site as my ex. Kept looking. Losing hope.

 

Then some guy messages me, asking who my favourite Avenger was. It was everything that wasn’t in my last relationship, but everything I wanted. Everything seems good, and right, and not like you have to explain why you’re doing everything. You don’t feel on edge/living in survival mode at all. Good communication that goes both ways, and just enjoying each other’s company.

 

It’s hard to work on yourself in order to find this kind of happy, but in the end, it’s well worth it.

 

Who’s your favourite Avenger? Tell us all about your kind of happy in the comments below, or on one of our other social media channels!