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Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

A toxic relationship, just like the actual toxin is poisonous, fatal and could lead to damage or an eventual death. While we all have our moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will only take and give nothing but pain in return. However, in an effort to not demonize the benefits of service and sacrifice as part of a good relationship, a healthy relationship is mutually self-giving. These challenges and sacrifices that are healthily accepted should only ebb and flow towards connection and love. 

It would be worthy to note that toxic relationships are beyond the context of romance. Any relationship could become toxic including relationships with co-workers, managers, in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, distant relatives and even towards an object of worship. While many people would defend their toxic relationships only because there is no physical abuse yet, I will have you know that it is only a matter of time till you get to that point, as physical abuse is the extreme manifestation of toxicity. 

Many times, relationships do not end the way they begin, little tweaks, compromises, stretched tolerances made over an extended period changes the dynamics completely. This is even true with human nature and the unending pretense and change we show intentionally and unintentionally. I have learned to become unfazed when someone narrates how their once sweet and tender partner suddenly became a beast. People, especially those closest to us, have a profound impact on our well-being, – though we all experience the difficulties of living and loving imperfect humans, ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy and not frustration.

A while ago, I was at the hospital to visit my neighbor Lila who had suffered a first degree burn from a home fire. With her life hanging in the balance, I couldn’t help but wonder if her situation would be any different had she made other choices, loved herself enough, left her marriage, which has now been blunted by endless abuse. Lila was set ablaze accidentally by her husband while they argued on infidelity on his part, yes, right, “accidentally”. Lila had been married for 10 years, and each of those years had a progression pattern, from silent treatment, being neglected, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, arguments and fights bothered on infidelity and financial irresponsibility, until the climax of being accidentally set ablaze.  The first night I met her closely was the night she had run to my house wearing only underwear. She had a black eye and scratch marks, she had gotten into a fight yet again, not that we are unaware of those high pitched voices and thundering sound from the next house, but there was only so much intervention we could offer. She needed to save herself at the very least. Lila left once with her two kids, we all were happy, rejoicing that she finally chose health and herself, only to see her return after a month on account that her husband had apologized and promised to change. Her mother had advised her to reconcile with her husband as divorce was shameful and not taken lightly in their family, her spiritual mentors had advised her to fast and pray for her husband as it was the devil trying to destroy her marriage.

Conversely, I encouraged her to leave the sickened marriage and suddenly became the enemy. As I sat by her bed side and watched her draw her last breath, I had all kinds of emotions and thoughts running through my mind, there are simply no words to describe the chaos my mind experienced in those moments. Lila is no more, I’m certain there are many women and men like Lila, who held their toxic relationships hostage and refused to let go, with the false hope that things will get better. 

One problem out of many, is that a lot of troubled relationship habits were baked into our culture, we have been enshrined to worship romantic love and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexuality. All genders have been encouraged to objectify each other to the point of seeing marriage as the best achievement and our partners as the prize we win in life. The religious teachings and cultural beliefs of so many people have been flawed to the point of no return. We have been brainwashed into accepting irresponsible partnerships as the only guaranteed pathway to societal recognition and respect.

I could welcome you to my country where single women are abused for not being able to score a man, where single men of a certain age are pressured by all and sundry to get a wife as their generational continuity is in double jeopardy. Welcome to my country where parents force their daughters to remain in an abusive marriage to avoid the shame and opinion of relatives, neighbors and friends. I could welcome you to my country where religious leaders and counselors recommend that couples pray and remain in a toxic relationship. I could welcome you to my country where we blame the devil for our acts of abuse and negligence rather than be accountable. I could welcome you to my country where people scorn each other and compete on which marriage is the happiest using social media as the validation tool. I could welcome you to my country where your married friends cut you off because you are no longer worthy of their presence and status. I could welcome you, but I’d rather not because your country probably shares the same sentiments. 

Many of us entered relationships without realizing that a lot of our beliefs and habits are toxic to begin with. We enter relationships prioritizing love over the core components of a healthy relationship which is respect, trust and affection. With this mindset, we run the complete circle and end up with an emotionally damaged society. As relationships evolve, intimacy becomes companionship, companionship becomes complacency, complacency becomes contempt as the maximum limit of toxicity is now achieved. IT IS TIME TO LEAVE! Build that courage to leave alive or get dragged out in a body bag.

While exploring the signs of toxic traits in a relationship, these stood out the most; From partners who kept emotional score cards to obsession and jealousy, controlling, projection of insecurity, doing the bare minimum while expecting others to always bend backwards. Dishonesty, disrespect, negative financial behaviors, resentments, toxic communications filled with sarcasm, gaslighting conversations and extreme criticism fueled by contempt. These traits led to the unhappiness, ultimate doom and complete annihilation of anything healthy and sweet that was previously available in the relationship. I dare say that the greatest gift you can give to somebody else is the gift of your own personal development, filled with self-love and a healthy sense of confidence. 

The road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not easy. Most people will not be able to scale it and commit towards recovery. There are chances that things could change for the better, however, I write as a prime advocate of mental health, in this instance, I would always prescribe the solution of leaving alive. I always encouraged victims to take a break, to give it all up, to let go of whatever investment is holding them down. I always prescribed the courage to love yourself selfishly while choosing the gift of life and happiness over the pains and exertion.  My prescriptions are usually countered as harsh and extreme, regardless, I stand by my statement and convictions. 

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu. As a firm believer of healthy relationships and self-love, I insist you own your past, take the step towards changing your future, because you are worthy of great love and healthy partnership. 

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My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!