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Gabriella Krystia (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

I held your hand as you took your last breath, and that changed me. From that moment forward, a dark cloud loomed over me. All the sunshine and happiness disappeared in the blink of an eye. I was 14 and I was numb. I was in a dark place, one that felt like me taking my last breath too. My life continued, but I stopped living that day. I stopped being who I was and from then on I was the sad girl, the grieving girl, the worst-case-imaginable-for-many-people girl. My head was stuck in this dark and gloomy world with no colour or happiness. I was consumed by the dark cloud and I was glued, too. 

You see, that day broke me; it broke me in the kind of way you don’t just heal from, but the kind of way you transform from. Every opinion of the world shifts, your point of view twists upside down. It’s like needing glasses and finally being able to see. But what you see isn’t beautiful, it’s scary. Every experience exposes a new risk, it becomes impossible to live young and recklessly because you see every possible bad outcome. Life becomes so terrifying that it is easy to live in that dark and gloomy cloud around your head. 

I became comfortable living in this dark cloud. Always expecting the worst thing and being surprised when it doesn’t happen is easier than being broken again. Expecting the worst became easy, following the same lifeless motions through the day became easier and not getting excited over little things became normal. I was this broken teenage girl who lost all sense of wonder and hope and joy. I lived in this dark and gloomy cloud for a long time. But then it dawned on me. I was not who I thought I was. 

I was not this dark-and-gloomy-expecting-the-worst kind of girl. I had to break through that cloud to find myself. And on the other side, it was so beautiful. I was the girl who got excited over a good cup of coffee and a gorgeous sunrise. I was the girl who understood that bad things can happen, but so can good things. I understood things would work out for me if I just gave it a shot. I became the girl who tried new things and lived for every different experience that life had to offer. I became loud and assertive; I found my place and held it strong. 

I began living again, slowly but surely, finding a way to make the most of every waking moment and loving this chance to live a full life. The day the cloud lifted I started living again and it had never felt so good. It was like drowning and finally getting a big gasp of fresh air. I found joy in the birds chirping and wonder in what the future would hold, and hope that things would all work out okay. 

You see, when it dawned on me that I wasn’t who I thought I was, I had to come to terms with many things, but the biggest lesson I learnt was that my trauma does not define me. Yes, I have been through unimaginable loss, but I have also had unimaginable highs where life has felt like I could do anything I wanted with it, there were no limits. I wouldn’t be this me without that dark, gloomy cloud, but I am not the dark, gloomy cloud. This me I am today has always been there. She was just covered by the cloud.

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