Kaisha Vicenal (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
There are moments when you cannot name the feeling that comes over you. It can seem like a cocktail of emotions stirred into one glass. For me, it happened over a cup of coffee, with a thunderstorm roaring outside my window. It was a mix of excitement, sadness, resentment and gratefulness. And then, memories flashed. Am I the same woman I was 10 years, 20 years, 30 years ago? The answer was clear. No.
Growing up, I was a shy girl. Smart, but awfully shy. I had friends but somehow felt I did not belong. I felt as though I had to prove myself over and over again. My timidity even cost me my school ranking. It continued until high school. I was an achiever, but only behind the scenes, only on papers, never heard or seen.
And then college came. I was expected to be the obedient daughter to my dad. I sought the degree I had been brainwashed into pursuing since second grade. I thought it would be easy since I had my brains. It was not. It was mentally suffocating and physically draining.
The girl who used to be on top of the list slowly slipped into the bottom of the class. However I tried, no matter how hard I studied, it seemed like I was not absorbing anything. I graduated from university, but I did not feel accomplished. It was more of a sigh of relief.
Who am I? The question echoed in my head.
I was unable to finish graduate school due to an unplanned pregnancy, and family life came as a prelude to a prolonged emotional roller coaster. I’d never dreamt of a successful career, I just wanted a complete family, as I came from a dysfunctional one. I should have seen the red flags early on, but I was so delusional about the idea of love that I ignored them all. Silencing my opinions just to avoid conflicts became a habit. It seemed that peace was some fragile thing that I constantly needed to take care of. The once brilliant girl on campus faded into the background. I dimmed my light so my spouse could have all the spotlight he could get. As I was doing that, I was cast into a dark room of my thoughts, believing I was weak. Deep inside me though, was a voice saying that I was supposed to be a different woman, that I could do better, that I was destined to do greater things.
For 13 long years, I endured every pain, believing that the longer I held on to my family, the better it would be. I thought being strong meant being able to endure, until I realized that it meant nothing without boundaries. I was in the backseat for a long time, neglected by the person I trusted. The worst part of the story was, I neglected myself too.
Then came that one fateful day. I found out my husband was having an affair and had had a child for three years. How did I not know? Looking back, I saw the red flags, but I just repressed the signs. For most women, it would have been devastating news. For me, for some reason incomprehensible to be at that time, it was a sigh of relief. I did not know how heavy the load I was carrying was until I finally unloaded it. I felt peace, not loneliness, not even hatred, just peace.
Freedom from a relationship that broke was just the start of my journey towards liberation. The legal battle was brutal, as divorce is not an option where I came from. Instead of dwelling on the long and tedious process, I chose to rebuild my and my children’s lives. I knew, while I had the support of my family and friends, I had to ensure my children’s future.
Going back to school was a dream of mine. I thought that, after a couple of years when I’d established a life for my children, I could fulfill that dream. For three years, I worked to provide for the three of us. And then pandemic hit and the world just stopped.
I was browsing my social media one night when I clicked an ad about a graduate course being offered abroad. It seemed the universe had conspired. I thought, why not give it a try? If they didn’t accept me, I wouldn’t lose anything anyway. Eventually I got a call from an international number asking if I was still interested in pursuing the course. I was stunned for a moment, but then I managed to say yes. The rest is history, and seven years after that pivotal night, I am now in a state where I used to dream I would have been.
Reclaiming myself is just a small part of my story. The bigger picture is knowing the person I am today whom I knew existed inside of me. It is the quiet confidence of knowing that I have come a long way, but also the humility from accepting that I still have a long journey to take. The resilience to go on, and the faith in believing that everything too, shall pass. The serenity of accepting and forgiving myself, and the joy of being able feel alive and not just live.
Losing my old self was painful, yet it was also the push I needed to metamorphose into someone I was meant to be. If I were to define my spirit today, I would say that I am most grateful for everything.
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Kaisha loves to weave meaningful moments through words, photography and arts. A music lover and proud mother of two sons, she draws inspiration from life experiences, human connections and the beauty of everyday moments.