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Simar Kaur, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

For some, places are a representation of rich history and architecture. For some, it is a representation of authentic food. And for some, places just represent people and their stories. I would say places are nothing but a concoction of bittersweet memories, memories that sway you from time to time. But a few places are so close to your heart that their essence flows through your blood like a gentle breeze. Imagine revisiting one such place after a long gap of four years! Yes! Gives you butterflies in the stomach.  

I had that feeling when I was revisiting the most prominent place in my life after four years — my home, the place where I grew up physically, emotionally and spiritually. People say that you can leave home, but your home will never leave you. Well! I certainly felt it after living away from home for so long. Each wall at our place was a display of my artistic self. You would always be welcomed home with the aroma of spices, topped with Mumma’s love. Her kitchen garden was her passion project and her money plant never withered. The living room always echoed with grandpa’s laughter and grandma’s stories. The freezer was always overflowing with my favorite flavor of ice cream that my dad would bring in after a long day at work.  

On the flight, I was picturing how my home would feel the same as I had remembered — like a bright sunny day. Home was where I had always belonged after fighting the battles of life. Home always felt like warmth in Mumma’s arms. But this time when I went home, I somehow felt that I did not belong there. I was not welcomed by my grandpa’s laughter this time. He was eagerly waiting for me to return and meet him, but succumbed to God’s plan before I made it home. My grandpa was a jovial and compassionate man. His smile was contagious, and all my stress would melt in front of him. But this time I was welcomed with his picture hanging on the wall with a garland around it. Without him, home felt like nothing but four walls. For the first time in my life, it felt like home was pushing me away instead of hugging me tight.  

Grandma had lost her charm after losing grandpa. She looked pale and weak. I was taken back to the times when I would lay on her lap and listen to the stories and experiences of her life. But this time her stories did not echo in the room. The only thing that accompanied us was terrifying silence. Everything felt out of place and order. People I loved had changed — some left their bodies, and some had grown old. Mom and dad now had grey hair and were not as energetic as before. Dad could not play badminton for the long durations he would before because of his back ache. Mom did not shout at my brother to get ready for school. And my younger brother had now turned into a full-grown man and did not fight with me like he would in the past. There used to be a lot of calmness in the chaos at home. It resembled the chaos in my life, and that is how I felt a sense of belongingness at home. But now my favorite place felt so lifeless. 

Not only had people at home changed, but also the things around the house. Walls were now painted in bright white, and all my wall sketches had disappeared forever. My mom’s money plant had now withered. She no longer felt passionate about maintaining her kitchen garden. I remembered sitting amidst her plants and listening to music for hours. I could no longer do that. What hurt me the most was that my mom had slowly given up on her passions.

I did not have a closet to myself anymore and my books looked like they were abandoned in dust. My brother had revamped the room, inspired by his favorite movie character. My pink fairyland now looked like a Marvel movie setup. These little changes made me feel as though I was not a part of the family anymore. I felt guilty of missing out on so much that it made me feel as if I had never belonged to this place I called “home.” But something that never changed was the love my family had for me in their eyes, and photos of my childhood in our living room that mom adored every day.

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