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Lauren Long (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

There are so many moments in my life where I’ve made excuses, for myself and for others. Where did that lead? To a lot of heartache and misery. I’ve had people in my life for whom I made excuses, but I know what hurts most is when you make excuses that prevent you from helping yourself. 

When I was in my second year of university, I had a bad bout of depression, one that made it nearly impossible for me to get out of bed and go to class. I was the textbook definition of going through the motions. I thought I was doing a good job of acting like everything was fine, but there were people who saw right through me and saw how much pain I was in. 

It took some convincing on their part, but I agreed to try talking to one of the school counsellors, and once I did, I started to feel better. Because of that feeling, I decided to continue the counselling when I came home that summer and made an appointment with a counsellor in my hometown. Because I’d had such a positive experience at university with counselling, I was optimistic that this one would be as well. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

In my first and only session with this counsellor, she managed to make me feel horrible about myself, even suggesting I needed to spend time in the psychiatric ward. It’s something that still boils my blood whenever I think about it, because not only was it unprofessional, it was incredibly judgmental and demeaning. That one appointment set me back for years, and I refused to even think about trying a different counsellor. When I returned to school that fall, I resumed seeing the counsellor I had begun talking to the previous semester. I didn’t have a plan for what I would do after I graduated, but I think there was a small part of me that believed I would be okay because I’d been going to see this counsellor every week. 

Flashforward to 2018. I was once again in a bad place mentally, and because my emotional and mental health were so poor, the people around me were suffering too. In hindsight, I realize how much anger and bitterness I had kept buried for years because I didn’t want to deal with it. Instead of having the freedom to enjoy my life, I was held prisoner by my past. 

That was when I knew it was time to get help and try counselling again. My mom and I sat down one afternoon and began looking at different counsellors I could see in town. We found one, and I have been seeing her for almost six years. 

My decision to go to counselling again was the best one I ever made. I know had I chosen not to go, I would be a very different person right now. Or I might be dead. Both of those are entirely possible scenarios, but I don’t live in the past anymore. That’s something I have worked continuously on with my counsellor, recognizing that, as much as I might wish I could go back in time and change certain things, there is no time machine to do that. Nor do I keep my anger and other emotions hidden. I say what I’m thinking. I’m free to feel my emotions and free to live my life without being held back by my past.

I find it immensely helpful to listen to music that reflects whatever it is I’m feeling to help me work through my emotions, or any written piece really. One that comes to mind is Taylor Swift’s poem “Why She Disappeared.” I first heard this poem when I watched Taylor’s reputation Stadium Tour on Netflix, and it resonated with me so much because it echoed my own life experiences. I’ve shared it to my Instagram and written it in my journals so that I can remind myself, on the days where I wish my past hadn’t happened and I hadn’t come into contact with the people who made my life miserable, that without those experiences and those people, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

We can’t change our pasts and we can’t go back, but we can let go and look to the future with hope. Going to counselling has given me hope, and it has made me a healthier, happier me. I don’t feel as though there’s a heavy weight pressing down on me anymore. When I made the decision to go back to counselling, not only did it save my life, it gave me a chance to take back my power and rediscover myself.

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” ~ Lalah Delia

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Born and raised in Quesnel, BC, Lauren Long is a strong advocate for mental health and overall well-being, as well as being a major Swiftie and a role model for positive body image. When she’s not writing, you can find her on the pole, on the training mats or curled up with a good book.