Tag: Fear

Mariana Reis (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

I wasn’t introduced to the real-life concept of dependence until very recently, and it left me in awe of how delicate life truly is. I used to view the struggles of others as something distant from my own reality, feeling grateful that my family seemed shielded from such trials. I couldn’t have been more mistaken.

I grew up in a family that, while loving, was far from perfect. My parents divorced when I was just 12, and soon after I started working to assist my mother in supporting our family. My  father, though still a presence in our lives, couldn’t provide the financial support he once did. He was untrustworthy in business and financial matters, which led my sisters and mother to distance themselves from him. But for some inexplicable reason, I maintained a connection with him. He was there for some of the most pivotal moments in my life, like when I bought my first car, graduated from university and secured my first job. He even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He was there until he wasn’t.

Not long after my graduation, my husband and I decided to move to Canada, while my father chose to relocate to the countryside with his new wife. This move further distanced him from my sisters, and my absence intensified his feelings of loneliness. Every visit back home left me with a deep sense that he was drowning in his troubles, growing lonelier and sadder. He had always enjoyed a drink, but I’d never seen him drunk. Nevertheless, I sensed that he was spiralling into a dark place. I, too, was battling my own demons — perinatal depression, feelings of rejection, loneliness and marital struggles. Perhaps that was why I couldn’t provide him with the attention he needed. It wasn’t clear to me, or anyone, how delicate the situation was. He refused to acknowledge that he might have a problem, even after losing his driver’s license due to a DUI.

On my last visit, I saw myself mirrored in him — that sense of failure, disconnection from the world, and feeling of inadequacy and deep sadness. I told him, “I love you,” and “I’ll be back in six months,” as if silently begging him, “Please, hold on for just six more months.” But he didn’t. Less than two weeks after my return to Canada, he succumbed to alcohol poisoning, alone in his house. He had a small, sombre funeral, and there he remained, alone. It felt as if I were the only one who truly understood the torment he was enduring towards the end. I could blame myself endlessly, but it wouldn’t change anything. The fact remains that he never explicitly reached out for help, nor accepted that he had a condition that needed care.

We often believe that seeking help shows weakness, but that’s far from the truth. It takes immense strength to admit our vulnerabilities and seek assistance. It requires courage to confront our problems and climb out of the abyss, and it’s undeniably more challenging to do it alone. I wish my father had sought help, and I wish I had recognized sooner just how life-threatening his situation had become. While I couldn’t save him, his tragic loss has taught me that I, too, must voice my struggles and let those around me know when I’m in need. Although I couldn’t rescue him, perhaps I can positively impact those around me by sharing this important lesson.

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My name is Mariana and I am a holistic nutritionist. I love helping other immigrant mothers by cooking nutritious meals to support their postpartum recovery. As I walk the path of self-discovery and inner reconnection, my hope is to continue forging meaningful connections and seeking opportunities to support and uplift others.

Glory Li (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer  

When you think back to your childhood, memories were bombarded with colours of adventure and exploration. Seldomly, your young self may consider the concept of fear that’s constantly being brought up in a gloomy conversation between your parents. We all have the feeling that our advancing years are growing proportionally with a blinding tapestry of fear to the point where danger seems to lurk around every corner. These experiences prove our older selves are constantly learning to fear and forgetting previous fears to survive in this complicated world [1].

How Do We Learn New Fears?

To illustrate the flexible management of fear, it was discovered that new fears can be deliberately induced in creatures that normally won’t or previously didn’t fear, known as fear conditioning[2]. This experimental procedure involves a conditioned stimulus (CS) which is something naturally unscary, like a white noise soundtrack. It served as an attention divider to help the participant relax and get used to the environment. Then the unconditioned stimulus (US) was something abnormal or scary, like a mild electric shock. It will be played together with the CS until the participant gets fearful just by learning the CS alone because it was involuntarily assumed to be a precursor or warning to the scary part. 

Additionally, observational learning of fear has revealed that fear can arise only with observation, such as edginess learned on a social level without personally getting exposed to it. Research led by Susan Mineka and Michael Cook set this theory into practice[3]. They tested several monkey infants by giving them realistic toys of snakes who had never seen the real version, so at first they played with the duplications with interest. Later, the monkeys watched a video clip of elderly monkeys shrinking back from a cobra in the wild. It produced a classic fear response to the baby monkeys when they were once again left with the toy snakes that they could no longer stand the fear of snakes after merely a five-minute visual representation.

How Do We Learn to Forget Fear?

If the things we fear accumulate effortlessly, fear can also be eliminated. In a fear conditioning experiment, if the conditioned stimulus appeared repeatedly without the scary stimulus, the fear response would gradually decrease and disappear. This “forgetting” approach is called extinction, in which the fear memory isn’t erased from the brain but is overlaid with newer, safe memories. However, once the same dangerous signal recovers, the fear response activates again.

Reconsolidation is new information that could be added to these memories within the open window of six hours immediately after the exposure[4]. Just like memorization, there’s a natural fragility when unstable memories are recently formed: it is prone to “optimization” that allows people to reduce fear intensity by adding traces of non-scary consolations. After the nascent memories consolidate, fear memories take longer to interrupt because neuron functions and chemical modification favor the information to be remembered. 

Another method capable of suppressing fear response is by strengthening the emotional centers of the brain. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is a region of your brain for decision-making, emotional expression, and behavioral regulation and it’s directly connected with the amygdala for inhibitory reasons. In an experiment, Dr. Ahmad Hariri realized that using words to label emotional thoughts can help PFC activity[5]. He divided volunteers into two groups, the first group was asked to match fearful pictures with another targeted picture which forced them to concentrate on the perceptual aspect of the image, so the amygdala was alarmed the entire time. Meanwhile, the second group was required to match the same pictures to words describing the negative scene instead, which forced all the members to analyze the circumstance linguistically which greatly controlled the emotional impulse.

Although some of us have a tendency to focus and gather fears more than others, it’s important to recognize that the processing of our fear system is extremely malleable. Practically, people can seek treatments like attentional probe tasks and cognitive behavioral therapy for changing dysfunctional patterns of brain reactivity, or habitual interventions like mindfulness-based stress reduction. The brain’s adaptability highlights each and everyone’s capability to reshape our response in fear-activating scenarios. Knowing that we can learn, change, and overcome our fears provides us the hope to revisit the joyful, untroubled days of our youth. 

 Work Cited

[1]Fox, Elaine. Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain: The New Science of Fear and Optimism. Collins, 2012.

[2]“Fear Conditioning.” Behavioral and Functional Neuroscience Laboratory, med.stanford.edu/ sbfnl/services/bm/lm/bml-fear.html#:~:text=Fear%20Conditioning%20(FC). 

[3]Cook, M., & Mineka, S. (1989). Observational conditioning of fear to fear-relevant versus fear-irrelevant stimuli in rhesus monkeys. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 98(4), 448–459

[4]“Interaction Between Reconsolidation and Extinction of Fear Memory – PubMed.” PubMed, 1 Apr. 2023, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brainresbull.2023.02.009.

[5]“Neocortical Modulation of the Amygdala Response to Fearful Stimuli – PubMed.” PubMed, 15 Mar. 2003, https://doi.org/10.1016/s0006-3223(02)01786-9.

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Eli N, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

What is the value that fear has to offer us? How can fear be used as a strength, rather than a hindrance? 

Most of the time, when we think about fear, we think about a situation that interferes with our plans, a scenario we wish to avoid at all cost. The question is, how can we look towards fear, rather than running away from it, and utilize it to empower us and support our growth? 

One way to begin this process is to start with self-awareness. Take a moment to pause everything you are doing, and take a breath. Inhale deeply and allow the air to sink into the body. Become aware of your present environment, the room you are in, the sensations around you and how you are feeling. 

Afterwards, notice what it is specifically that you are afraid of — what current fear is in your life? Oftentimes human beings share very common fears, be they social, financial, professional, emotional or physical concerns.

Once you recognize what it is, see how this fear can offer you a gift — for example, is this fear trying to protect your well-being? Is it attempting to guard a vulnerable part of you? Maybe it is not fully clear to you yet, but a part of your subconscious mind is genuinely trying to stop you from taking a step in the wrong direction. 

For example, maybe you are excited to make a large purchase of a product you really like, but then a fear enters your mind and you question whether you should follow through. That fear might be offering you a gift and helping you avoid a purchase that you will regret in the future. 

Recognizing when a fear is there to protect you can offer you value in situations where you might be going too hastily and not fully recognizing all the potential dangers in front of you.

But what if this fear doesn’t seem to rise from a protective place? What if it comes from some social pressure or limiting belief that is not supporting you? Well, in this case, a useful tool is to reflect on the first time that this limiting belief was introduced to you. Maybe it was as early as kindergarten, from a family member or from a school teacher . . . you can reflect on the person who shared this limiting belief with you, and practice compassion towards this person. Maybe this person passed their own fears onto you, maybe they had a stressful day and didn’t notice how they were speaking, or maybe they didn’t consider how this belief would affect you in the long term.

Either way, now that you have awareness, you can have more power and autonomy over your thoughts, while discerning which ideas are not serving you any longer. This is a very powerful exercise, because it gives you the strength to become free of unnecessary fears while also becoming a more responsible person. This exercise can also offer you the gift of empathy and make you more mindful of the beliefs and ideas you pass on to others. The more aware you become, the better you can remember not to pass on further limiting beliefs that were passed to you by others.

Lastly, fear can be used as a tool to make you more excellent. Sometimes a fear appears in our lives, not necessarily to stop us or to limit us, but rather just to remind us to improve what we are already working on or developing. Sometimes the extra concern in our mind over whether our actions will be received by others is a good thing, because it causes us to improve our craft and make it more beautiful, professional or helpful.

For example, maybe you are a good painter who wants to display a painting in an art gallery. But you have a fear that people will not like it or that it’s not quite ready yet. Well, maybe your fear has a point. Maybe spending a few extra hours on the final details of the painting will turn it from ok into a masterpiece.

If you utilize this type of fear properly, you will become a very talented, skilled and respected person. Some of the most successful people in the world listen to their fears properly, and use them in order to make them the best people they can be, and you can do the same, by becoming aware, attentive and open to listening to your fears.

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Arsh Gill, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

Anxiety and uncertainty go hand in hand, being interrelated in the sense that both are natural and inevitable. You can never say for certain how things are going to play out in life, and you never know how or when anxiety can come or go.

There’s uncertainty in many aspects of our journey through life.

To begin, as I strongly relate to this being a student myself, there is lots of uncertainty when it comes to school. Uncertainty can arise in even the smallest of aspects of going to a lecture, such as who will I end up sitting by? Where will I park my car? Will I be able to find my building? Doubts such as these promote anxiety regarding future situations that we must face, and present a learning curve. The only reason I feel stressed out when walking into a class where I don’t know anybody is because I then think that I don’t have a seat in that class. Where do I sit? Who should I approach to become friends with? Will there be anyone else sitting by themselves? It is the uncertainty that things will work out in my favour that causes my level of anxiety to be raised rapidly. If I knew things were certain, such as having a good professor and having friends in that class, I wouldn’t think twice about attending the lecture. Instead, if anything, I would feel more relaxed and motivated to go to my class.

Another example is the uncertainty in meeting career goals. Now, though we should be believers in ourselves and reach for the stars, are we really just setting ourselves up for disappointment and failure from this? Becoming a lawyer, chiropractor, general practitioner or pursuing many other careers within Canada is extremely challenging, as the number of seats offered to students in these fields is very limited. This then causes many students to have to go abroad. The desire to reach these goals causes one to experience a disproportionate amount of anxiety, as their entire future hangs in the balance, and they are forced to spend years in places where they might not want to be. Although these are more structured career options, others such as being a social media influencer, model or artist can breed anxiety in different ways, as these careers don’t  have the same guarantee of success. There’s uncertainty there, in that one may find themselves suddenly switching career paths in order to make a stainable living and a failed passion can cause a ton of anxiety.

Another often-challenging aspect in life is finding a partner, your so-called soulmate whom you will be spending the rest of your life with. There’s uncertainty in the aspect of ever actually finding this person. What if this person doesn’t exist? What if you never run into the person of your dreams, or even the person you could see yourself settling with? Now, if you’re reading this and you haven’t met this person in life yet, chances are I probably raised some doubt in your mind, making you feel anxious about how uncertain the future.

Remember, anxiety is all too common and it’s never spoken about enough, but that doesn’t mean you’re alone.

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Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

When I looked up the term “losing control” on the internet, the definition that appeared was this: “To become unable to control one’s emotions or actions; to abandon rationality and reason.” Thus, I realized how often I have felt that I have lost control in my short life, almost as if my brain was on autopilot and I was no longer in charge of things I did and said. I always just put it down as a part of my mental health journey, a road I am still on to this day, but looking back on it, I think it’s fair to say that many people who don’t actively struggle with a mental disorder can still feel at times that they don’t have any control over themselves or their lives. It’s natural as human beings, who don’t have all the answers to where we go from here or why certain things happen in the world, to feel as if we are free-falling out of an airplane, just hoping our parachutes work and we can one day land on solid ground. 

I and many other people try so hard to live with intention and have every choice calculated to the best possible outcome. Still, in my experience, no matter how much I want to plan out everything and always be on my best behavior, constantly getting along with everyone, life has never once allowed me this level of control 100 percent of the time. It can be scary sometimes, especially when you slip out of your character and hurt someone you never intended to, or your behavior and impulses get you into a situation that seems to have no solution. The fact is, many factors can tip the scale and make us have only a slight grasp of our emotions and rationality. But I am not getting into the science or psychology of it all, and I don’t have the answers on how to control yourself at all times, because I think that’s impossible. 

What I can say, at least pulling from my own experiences, is that you can learn from the moments when you don’t feel quite yourself or when you feel the world is ganging up on you, and what you learn will give you the clarity and the bravery to face what’s next. At least, that’s what I like to believe. Surprisingly, the film Frozen 2 offered some excellent advice on what to do when everything seems out of control, you feel hopeless and you don’t know what to do next. It’s pretty simple: “Do the next right thing.” First, take a breath and try your best not to succumb to those dark emotions. Also, try not to think about the future, stay in the moment and take it one step at a time, because all you can do is the next right thing, and you can feel some sense of control, and life won’t seem so overwhelming.

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My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am an aspiring writer with something to say as I try to figure things out. More than anything, I want to be able to connect with people through my writing, and I want to be a constant advocate of disability and mental health awareness.

Grace Cheng (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

People are biologically hard-wired to avoid risk and instead choose the path of least resistance, often opting out of trying new things due to anxiety, fear or uncertainty. This can stifle innovation, growth and self-actualization. To understand why people often avoid trying something new, it is necessary to understand the psychological, social and environmental barriers involved.

• Comfort Zones and Fear of the Unknown

People feel comfortable and at ease in their comfort zones because they are familiar with their surroundings and activities. Although this provides a sense of stability, it can also hinder personal growth and limit opportunities for exploration. Many people are reluctant to venture outside their comfort zones because they fear discomfort, challenges and failure. Our brains can trigger a stress response when we encounter something unfamiliar, whether it is a new hobby, career change or cuisine. It is an evolutionary adaptation that protects us from potential dangers, but in modern times, it often hinders our ability to take advantage of exciting opportunities.

The key to overcoming this obstacle is to recognize that real growth occurs when people embrace discomfort and take calculated risks. Build your comfort gradually by taking small steps. Make it a habit to step outside of your comfort zone regularly. Every step taken beyond your comfort zone will expand your horizons and boost your self-esteem. Your confidence will grow as you become more familiar with the unfamiliar.

• Lack of Self-Confidence

A lack of self-confidence is one of the most common barriers to trying new things. Individuals often underestimate their abilities and doubt their capacity to succeed in unfamiliar fields. A gradual process of building self-confidence involves setting attainable goals, celebrating small wins and reframing negative self-talk. Individuals can boost their self-esteem and become more willing to try new things when they recognize their strengths and acknowledge that setbacks are part of the learning process.

• Negative Past Experience

Failures in the past can cause apprehension and reluctance to try similar things in the future, which can prevent people from exploring. The key to overcoming such challenges is to frame them as valuable learning experiences, rather than insurmountable setbacks. By reflecting on what went wrong and how to improve, individuals can avoid repeating past mistakes. Every setback is an opportunity for success, and resilience is a key trait that can be cultivated through perseverance and self-reflection.

• Peer Pressure and Social Expectations

The social influences of peer pressure and societal expectations can significantly influence whether someone is willing to try something new. A fear of judgment or rejection by others can be a powerful deterrent. Social norms and expectations may lead people to avoid activities they genuinely enjoy, even if they do not conform.

The best way to overcome peer pressure is to prioritize your values and aspirations over external expectations. Look for individuals who share your interests and are supportive of your personal development. Life choices should be aligned with your values and passions rather than dictated by societal pressure.

• Time Constraints and Priorities

Today’s fast-paced world can overwhelm people with daily commitments and responsibilities. Work, family and other obligations often leave little time for trying new things. There is no doubt that this constraint can be a legitimate barrier to exploration, but recognizing the importance of personal growth and balance in one’s life is essential.

This issue can be addressed by allocating time to new experiences deliberately. Plan them as if they are any other commitment. Organizing your time and establishing boundaries will enable you to discover and grow as a person.

• Perceived Difficulty

When one believes that trying new things is too difficult or beyond one’s capabilities, it can paralyze one’s attempts. People can underestimate their ability to learn and adapt to new challenges. 

The key to overcoming this barrier is to break down complex endeavors into smaller, more achievable steps. Every expert was once a beginner, and mastery can only be achieved through practice and time.

Mentorship and guidance can be obtained from those with more experience. By embracing a growth mindset, you will understand that your abilities can develop over time with time and effort.

• Lack of Resources

A lack of resources is another obstacle to trying something new. Resources can be material, such as finances, tools or equipment, or emotional, such as support, guidance and confidence. The risk of not getting a return from an investment is one of the major reasons people hesitate to try something new.

Explore cost-effective alternatives or seek financial assistance to overcome this barrier. Trying new things without a significant financial burden can be achieved by creative solutions, such as joining community groups.

While various factors prevent us from trying new things, they are not insurmountable. Identifying and overcoming these obstacles allows us to reach our full potential and lead more fulfilling lives, filled with exploration and personal growth. By adopting these strategies, we open ourselves up to a world of exciting possibilities and endless opportunities for personal growth.

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Grace has an accounting and finance background. She enjoys reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and playing sports.

Eri Ikezawa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

It’s Saturday, September 16th, 2023, and it is a pretty mundane morning so far. 

I had just slapped the barest essentials on my face, a little moisturizer, sunscreen and a bit of blush, and some eyebrow pomade to fill in the blanks, and I was out the door. 

It’s a hot, humid day, but by this point, I’d gotten used to the stickiness that I’d have to suffer through until I returned home to wash it off before bed, so I barely reacted as the sweltering heat consumed me the moment the safe embrace of the air conditioner could no longer reach me. 

I find crowds — anywhere with hordes of people — to be incredibly overstimulating, so I mute the world with the help of my AirPods and I am as prepared as I can be for the long commute waiting for me when I walk into the subway station. 

As soon as I sit down, I let my mind wander, sensing that the last vestiges of my sleepiness haven’t quite escaped me yet. For the first few stops, nothing out of the ordinary occurs, but at one point, I look up to see a person sitting across from me that I knew, in my heart, would cause skepticism and judgment from other passengers on the train. 

It was my third week in Asia, and my first time having seen someone dressed and presenting in a fashion that was so intensely atypical to the current trends of the country I was in. They had many visible tattoos, strikingly colored hair, vivid blue eye contacts and an outfit that stood out from everyone else I’d seen so far in the entirety of the three weeks I had been there. 

Now, let me quickly interrupt — I, by no means, felt any sense of prejudice or discriminatory sentiments towards that person myself. But, as an Asian with a deep sense of awareness of how being considered “other,” “foreign” or “different” can be a herculean challenge — a burden to shoulder — in Asian culture, often met with disapproval and unkindness, I felt a multitude of different emotions in that moment. 

First, a sense of awe and admiration, knowing that the pressure of society to conform in Asia is incredibly intense and unavoidable, and wonder over how the person before me managed to present themselves as they pleased with such blatant carefreeness. And a sadder part of me wondered, “Were they really carefree?” 

Second, I did observe the disheartening — but unfortunately almost expected — glances of disapprobation from other commuters, one woman even choosing to abandon her seat instead of sitting next to him. I felt the squeezing clutch of anxiety’s hands on my neck, suffocating me as I sensed the critical attitudes of the other people around me hone in on one individual — all because he didn’t blend in, because he chose to dress and present himself differently. 

Of course, as I’d mentioned earlier, I knew that these attitudes about uprooting traditional expectations and customs existed in Asia as an Asian person, but I had never witnessed the prejudicial attitudes so profoundly and evidently as I did in that moment.  

Now, my intention here is not to solely single out Asian countries. This type of attitudinal cruelty and discrimination exists in all countries, all continents, across the board — this just happened to be the most recent moment that stood out to me, the one that pulled at my heartstrings the most. 

My deeper point is that stereotyping — when used sparingly with margin for error and willingness to adjust labels or boundaries — can be useful for the human brain. Without some level of categorization, it would be incredibly difficult for us to process information about people, cultures or anything else. In its base form, with no resentment or contempt being inherently held towards anyone, stereotyping can be an innocuous way to create mental groupings. 

But the problem is that stereotyping is more often than not used to make harmful generalizations about a group of people. And these perspectives on people, problematic and insidious, are often imparted to the next generation of people too. 

I do not claim that I am guilt-free of this either. Whether it was the influence of society as a whole or people closer to me as an individual, there have been hostile views I have upheld about groups of people too. But as I grew older, I simply began to quietly question the validity of these stereotypes. 

How does having a distinctive hair color, piercing or tattoo impact a person’s work ethic or capacity for professionalism? Why shouldn’t people be hired for their credentials instead of making decisions based on ethnicity or gender?  Why do people need to be part of organized religion to be a good person?

I just had questions for traditional notions that were being promoted and endorsed, wondering as time elapsed if we shouldn’t make modifications to former beliefs that no longer seemed relevant or beneficial. Not to mention it didn’t seem fair to me to generalize an entire population of people when I really should make judgment calls instead about people and their characters based on how the individuals themselves behaved. 

So now I have reached a point where even if an errant, ugly thought comes into my head that I don’t like, I understand that that is likely the influence and impact of societal conditioning to think a certain way or believe specific generalizations. I instantly troubleshoot and remind myself that no one wants to be alienated or generalized without being given a chance to prove themselves, as there is only one thing that matters: Are they a good person? 

Here, I do think that I benefit greatly from living in Vancouver, a society of multiculturalism and liberties. I have learned well over the years not to be discriminatory or judgmental based off petty first impressions, and this is something I wish will become more crucial in future generations. The reality is that there are no benefits that come from unfair stereotyping and alienation, but approaching people with kindness, acceptance and empathy will always reap great profits in the goal of peace amongst people. 

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My name is Eri Ikezawa and I have an extended minor in psychology and a major in linguistics. I’m still on the path to quelling questions about myself and the direction I want to head in, but in the meantime, I have always wanted to find a way to help others and contribute to a community dedicated to personal development and self-love.

Lauren Long (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

There are a lot of things that I’m afraid of. Spiders, snakes and sharks are just some of my fears, but my biggest fear is public speaking, and today I am going to tell you the story of how I overcame it. 

All through my school years, from my elementary school days to university, I hated public speaking. I dreaded giving presentations in class because I would wake up in the morning with a knot in my stomach the size of Texas, which would later be accompanied by sweaty hands, stumbling over my words and avoiding eye contact with my peers. I would rush through my presentation so I could be done more quickly and sit back down. I was bullied a lot because I was the shy kid at school, the nice one, and I was not very good at standing up for myself. The few times that I tried, I would be laughed at by my classmates, which resulted in me having lower self-esteem and hating class presentations even more.

It was not until I got to university that my self-esteem improved, and instead of being nervous about oral presentations, I became more comfortable each time I did a presentation. Even if I fumbled or made a mistake, I was able to make a comeback with humor. Of course, it helped that I was presenting to a room full of adults, and not a room of judgmental kids. By the time I left university, I not only had more self-esteem, but I had begun to take back the power that had been taken from me. Little did I know that my newfound confidence in being a public speaker would be tested in a completely different way in the form of giving a speech as the maid of honour at my sister’s wedding last summer. 

My sister and her now-husband got engaged in 2019, with plans to marry in August 2020. Of course, as it did with all things, the COVID-19 pandemic shook up their plans and they decided to have a small, immediate-family-only wedding on their original date, with plans to have the big wedding a year later. I was relieved because it gave me more time to write and edit my speech, even though I already had a draft written on my computer that I was happy with.

With the vaccine rollout in 2021, it was decided that the big wedding would be pushed back to summer 2022 so that everyone had the chance to get vaccinated.

Flash forward to 2022: as the wedding date crept nearer, it hit me like a freight train going 100 miles per hour that I was going to be in front of a lot of people, the majority of whom I didn’t know. I had a lot of sleepless nights as I laid awake with my fear of public speaking as my bedfellow. I remember sitting at the dinner table with my parents and them asking if I wanted to practice my speech with them because they could see how nervous I was about it, but the months of June and July were a whirlwind of activity as we entered the hair-straight-back phase of final preparations for the wedding and I never got the chance.

Of course, as if the stress of completing the final preparations for the wedding and my fear over my speech weren’t enough, my parents and I all tested positive for COVID in the month of July. My dad tested positive just before I left for my sister’s bachelorette weekend, my mom got it the next week and then I got it the week before the wedding. A domino effect. After staying in bed for five days, I was thrust headfirst into the downhill run to the wedding along with my parents, which were made worse by the fact that we were all still recovering from COVID and having to deal with the opinions of certain people who kept trying to take over every little aspect, even though it was my sister’s wedding day and not theirs or their children’s.

Finally, the big day arrived, and as we finished the last-minute details, I could feel the knot of anxiety growing tighter and tighter. The moment I’d been agonizing about for months was drawing nearer with every passing minute. Two years previously, I hadn’t had to give my speech, but I was so overcome with emotion that I cried through part of the ceremony and afterwards, and I was worried I would start crying hard enough that no one would be able to understand me.

My youngest cousin, who was also a bridesmaid and giving a speech that evening, took me into a quiet room and closed the door behind us. She held my hand and calmed me down as I read through my speech, and after I finished, she told me I was going to be amazing.

After the ceremony, photos of the wedding party and dinner had taken place, it was time. I began to speak, looking at my sister and her husband for the majority of the speech, but also periodically looking at the audience to make sure I was engaging with them.

When I was done speaking, my brother-in-law and sister both got up and embraced me at the same time, with my brother-in-law saying, “You were so confident up there, I’m so proud of you.” After the speeches were done and the evening moved towards the dancing part of the wedding, my parents both came up to me and told me how proud they were, with people I hadn’t even met until that day following closely behind. One of my great uncles told me it was worth coming all the way from Alberta just to hear that speech.

Although July 30, 2022 was a day steeped in grief, it was also a happy one. Happiness and sorrow can exist side by side, and that’s what that day was like. I may have been terrified to speak publicly at my sister’s wedding, but I know now that I have the confidence to stand up in front of a room full of people, and I have my sister to thank for that. If she hadn’t asked me to be her maid of honour, I may have never overcome my fear of public speaking.

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Olivia Alberton (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

As humans, it is innate to want to know what people think of us. Generally, we want people to like us. Knowing that someone enjoys our company, respects us and seeks us out makes us feel good about ourselves. I believe this feeling starts from a young age. In the playground as a child, you want to be part of the group, to be asked to join the game of tag and to laugh with others, rather than be laughed at. When we feel liked, we feel secure in ourselves and consequently, our sense of self-worth becomes tied to what people think of us. Unfortunately, the idea of wanting to be liked by people generally stays with us as we grow older and go to high school, attend post-secondary institutions and enter the workforce. Conversely, knowing that someone does not like you, whether they have verbalized this to you directly or you have heard it through the rumor mill, is a hard pill to swallow, but is easier to move on because you are not in the dark. 

However, what happens when you do not know what someone thinks of you? This perhaps is a more difficult emotion to navigate. It is the silence surrounding the lack of knowledge of what someone thinks of you that breeds insecurity. Naturally, we become uncomfortable with the silence, because then we start to overanalyze the interactions and conversations we have with the people who are “silent” with us- “Was that smile genuine?” “Was that sarcasm?” “What did they mean by that?” By overanalyzing and agonizing over every small detail, we start to second-guess ourselves and our actions, which consequently makes us feel unsure of ourselves. We are taken back to that child in the playground craving the need to be liked and to fit in. I too have fallen victim to feeling insecure in myself because of the “silence.” However, as I have gotten older, I have tried to not let that silence bother me.  

The key to this is to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, in this case to become comfortable with not knowing what someone thinks of you. I believe that it is when we accept this fact that we achieve a sense of freedom. We do not have to perform and maintain a certain image of ourselves with the belief that this is how we are “supposed” to be liked. Drowning yourself in other people’s opinions of you is both tiring and unfair to yourself. I learned that to be happy and confident in myself, I need to focus on how I view myself — do I like the person I am becoming? That is what the focus should be. I admit, it is easier said than done and it has taken time to be okay with the silence. Once I learned not to let what people think of me get in the way of how I see myself, I felt lighter and more confident. In addition, it is also important to realize that, most of the time, the individuals whose opinion of us we seem to value and seek generally do not deserve such esteem.   

We must accept that, for the most part, we cannot know what most people think of us. Nor should we expect to know, because when we place that expectation on ourselves, we start to live for others and not ourselves. Therefore, let us all let go of that insecurity and be comfortable in the uncomfortable silence.   

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Olivia is a recent McMaster University graduate with a combined honours in English & cultural studies and history. She loves to read, write and, of course, drink coffee.