Month: August 2021

The Scars We Bear

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Jihu Lee (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

The perfect condition doesn’t exist. Or does it? As humans, we seem to have a perpetual desire to fix things back to normalcy or perfection. If we’re sick, we nurse ourselves back to health. If we break an object, we try to mend it. Even at an intangible emotional level, we strive for happiness as the benchmark of our feelings, while turning away from those we label as “bad.” 

 

I want to frame this article around Abigail Johnson’s If I Fix You. This fictional young-adult book is centered on the protagonist Jill and her passion for automotive mechanics and fixing cars. Jill and her father have a loving bond while she and her mother have a dysfunctional relationship. Throughout the book, we also explore Jill’s connection with her new neighbor Daniel, who harbors a history with an abusive father and a broken relationship with his own mother. 

 

Jill’s love for fixing cars that arrive at her dad’s auto shop serves as a brilliant metaphor that fits the story’s theme of recovering “broken” lives and relationships. We often see Jill think in terms of fixing something or someone to normal, as she does with defective cars. She first meets Daniel after overhearing an intense altercation between him and his mother next door. Shortly after, he leaves in his Jeep and Jill picks up on the grinding noise from his brakes, leading her to decide that “he needed new brake pads … probably not the most important problem in his life, but it was the one I could fix.” Right away, we see Jill’s knack for “fixing the broken” kick in, so she resorts to mending something within her control when the person himself is out of reach. But when they begin spending time together more frequently, Jill starts feeling more inclined to let Daniel lean on her as his only support system. 

 

Although Jill’s relationships with her mom and Daniel’s with his are vastly different, they both lead Jill to ruminate over how to fix the relationship or the people involved. After Jill’s mother leaves the family, Jill constantly tries to eliminate her mother’s traces, both in the house and her heart. It seems she initially felt powerless in taking back her happiness, as she tied it so closely to the scars her mother left behind. With Daniel, Jill latches onto their connection on the basis of having an estranged mother. To me, it seemed like Jill’s efforts in trying to fix what she could in Daniel’s life gave her the illusion of control over her own circumstances, even if she only got as far as fixing his brakes. 

 

Towards the end of the book, Jill puts her foot down and tells her mother she will be happier if they no longer are involved in each other’s lives. She also acknowledges that Daniel’s “world had shrunk to include only his mom and [Jill], and he’d latched onto [Jill] because he needed someone.” At this point, Jill accepts that Daniel’s tragic family dynamics are not her responsibility, despite how much they share in common. The two had reached out to the closest thing they thought might save them, but ultimately learned that they cannot use each other to heal. To follow Low Entropy’s mission of personal growth and empowerment, I think If I Fix You is a spectacular illustration of how we can navigate our own lives when all seems lost or unrecoverable. Healing and recovery are more about how our lives go on, despite changes within us, than it is about trying to return to circumstances before adversity. Jill may not have reconciled with her mother or healed Daniel’s trauma, but she put herself on an alternative path for her own healing journey. At the same time, it’s important to recognize how valid it is for grief to still be involved in letting go. For instance, Jill is on track to heal without her mother in her life while simultaneously grieving the loss of a parent. 

 

To wrap up, let’s look at the metaphor of the car in the idea of healing without the need to strive for perfection. When Jill receives her dream car, the Spitfire, as a gift, she takes it on a drive – only for the engine to fail because she had run it prematurely. In my interpretation, this event was a culmination of the lesson that humans do not live, break or heal as cars do. When the Spitfire broke down, Jill thinks, “I’d killed my dream car, and I didn’t have any more time to fix it again, if that was even possible.” She had also resorted to this pattern of thinking when she faced her relationships with her mother and Daniel. A binary system of “fixed and happy” versus “broken and burdened” clouded her ability to envision alternatives. But we as humans have the power to keep going even when we feel broken. Cars can’t run unless they are in the right shape: they either work or they don’t, but people aren’t like that. The scars we bear – visible or invisible – are a testament to how much we have braved in our lives. They are anything but a sign of defect.

 

We have the power to change and uplift ourselves, even if the world seems to be in denial of our progress. There is so much possibility in how we can shape our lives, and no permanent standard to which we must calibrate in order to grow.

 

—

 

My name is Jihu, and I’m from Salt Lake City, Utah! I have been with Low Entropy since May 2021. Some of the things I love are reading, writing, listening to music, playing with my dogs and spending time with my sister!

Variety Shows

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao comments today’s diversity of representation in television, books, movies and music, and its significance in creating a more progressive society.

 

As the general population advocates for popular media to become more diverse in its representation, it’s important to understand why these changes are happening. During the summer of 2020, the Black Lives Matter movement took the spotlight after the murder of George Floyd. Since then, minority representation has become more prominent point in shows, movies and literature alike. Even before that, diversity in art was becoming more and more notable. This is a good thing because it is the first step towards accepting people of colour and LGBTQ+ people into our communities.

 

When the popular Fox TV show Glee first aired at the beginning of the decade and introduced fan favourite gay character Blaine Anderson (played by Darren Criss), it was considered progressive. In fact, Criss has played several gay characters, and has spoken about how “blessed” he feels as a straight male being accepted in the LGBTQ+ community. Now, however, casting a straight actor for any LGBTQ+ character is in fact regressive as it takes away opportunities from LGBTQ+ actors, and Criss himself has pledged to no longer take gay character roles for this reason.

 

Another good example of increasing diversity in media is the beautiful novel written by Angie Thomas called The Hate U Give, which was published in 2017. It touches on the difficulties Black individuals face in modern America, and the discrimination that African Americans face every day. The Hate U Give won awards such as the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Young Adult Literature and has since then been turned into a movie released in 2018 starring Amandla Stenberg, whom you might know as Rue from The Hunger Games. The film received 22 award wins and 37 nominations, including best supporting actor and breakout performance from the African American Film Critics Association. 

 

As we talk about diversity in the media, it’s important to continually recognize bodies of work that have showcased marginalized populations. Authors Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera both write novels that have wonderfully written and lovable LGBTQ+ characters. Chloe Gong’s debut novel These Violent Delights is a Romeo and Julliet retelling featuring a Chinese female protagonist and a Russian male protagonist set in 1920’s Shanghai, China. The phenomenon that is Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas is a New York Times Best Seller list history-making novel because it’s the first time that a trans author with a trans book has made it onto said list. Although Thomas has stated that their book should “NOT have been the first” in a tweet, they have also said that it “sure as hell is NOT GOING TO BE THE LAST.” 

 

Celebrities such as Demi Lovato, Sam Smith and Camila Cabello have used their platforms to spread awareness, which has a huge impact on the way that important issues are seen. Camila Cabello talks about current events on her Instagram almost every day, and an artist as famous as Demi Lovato coming out as non-binary is an important precedent for the LGBTQ+ community. While our world is no way perfect, the first step toward it becoming safer for minority groups is accepting them.

 

As we become more inclusive, it should be understood that accepting others is the first step towards accepting oneself. Only through loving those around us can we begin to love ourselves. Becoming less bigoted is a journey, and the only way to start is understanding why stigmatization is is wrong. Homophobia, transophia and racist ideals are taught. Nobody is born hating minorities. People old enough to know better should educate themselves on the impact of their harmful thinking, and the first step to do that is to incorporate diversity in the media that they consume.

 

What shows or books have captured your attention recently, and what have you learned from them? Let us know in the comments below, or on any of our social media platforms!

Lies on Love

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It’s easy to toss around relationship slogans, but what are the implications of these simplistic principles? Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Fiona Woo picks apart some commonly-held beliefs.

 

As a serial monogamist, I’ve been in a fair number of serious and committed relationships. Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of relationship advice floating through social media that I have to say I fervently disagree with. The bulk of it feels like it’s coming from hurt, pain, and fear instead of truth, love and faith. Here are some of the things I hear and what I believe is true and untrue about each claim from my perspective:

 

  1.       If he wanted to, he would.

 

I love this one. It makes me laugh. Think about all the times you’ve wanted to do something and didn’t. Everybody is wired differently and we have our own ways of reacting to situations. Just because you would do or act a certain way in a situation, does not mean other people would do or should do the same. Ultimately, things are rarely this black and white, especially in terms of romantic relationships. It is important to look from different perspectives:

 

  •       Do their words match their actions?
  •       Do they make you feel safe, or do they withdraw emotionally when things are difficult?
  •       Are they putting in effort in ways that you wouldn’t but still show obvious signs of care?
  •       Does your expectation of effort match the effort you put in and the stage of relationship you’re in?

 

Have the courage to get yourself out of clearly harmful or dishonest relationships, but have the grace to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when they’ve messed up and you know their intentions are pure.

 

  1.       If you don’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

 

If you take this at face value, you should be able to be a jerk and the other person just has to take it, right? Wrong. It would be lovely if we could love unconditionally, but healthy relationships require boundaries. Obviously everybody has good and bad days, and it is unacceptable to only be kind to your partner when they are happy and pleasant. However, if you think it is your partner’s responsibility to simply accept and love all of your flaws and negative traits, you are mistaken about what love requires. Love is supportive and caring, but it is also honest, and it is not blind. It is our responsibility as mature adults to try to be better and give our partner a pleasant human being to live with. Creating a healthy relationship comes with responsibilities. If you do not want to take on these responsibilities, don’t attach your life to another. In the same way that it is a parent’s responsibility to be pleasant and try to do their best for their children, you have that same responsibility as someone’s partner. At the altar, you are vowing to and promising someone a life that would be better with you than without you. If not, why would people take on the stresses and difficulties of being in a relationship? We must have grace for each other’s downfalls, but also work to give the best version of ourselves to those we love most. Give and take, that’s what it’s about.

 

  1.       You deserve better.

 

I see people use this as an excuse not to put the necessary effort required for relationships or to defer responsibility from themselves onto the other. I laugh to myself when people say this and I think in my head, “But do you, really?” It is fully possible that you actually do deserve better, but I guess I just want to play devil’s advocate and put the responsibility back onto you. Only when you take responsibility for your part in the situation do you have the power to change or fix the problem. Resist the urge to see relationships from a perspective of who’s better or worse. If they don’t meet your needs, then leave.  Relationships are about compatibility. I think that the less we see others as evil, and more as simply human and imperfect, the better our relationships with others can be. Yes this is a very naïve and innocent way of seeing the world, but it’s how I choose to see people. Yes I’ve been burned by this thinking before, but I still think it’s better than the alternative of being cold, untrusting and bitter.

 

  1.       All men are trash

 

This is just a downright dangerous thing to believe. One, all men are not trash, there are plenty of quality men in the world. Two, it’s not like women are much better. There are inherent differences to the ways women and men are wired, and this causes many problems in relationships. Growing up with many close male and female friendships, I can tell you, they are fundamentally different. Men are straight forward, they generally mean what they say and act in accordance to whatever feels right in the moment. Women are convoluted, they craft their messages carefully and act in alliance to what will help them get what they want long term. Herein lies the problem: we communicate and act in different ways. Hanlon’s razor is a principle that says, “Never attribute malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity”. Men want to make their partners happy just as much as women do, and they fail at it just as much as women do. When you look at every man with disgust you will probably get what you are looking for. You must give trust to receive it. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and then if they betray that trust, walk away. Relationships don’t need to be a big game.

 

  1.       If he really loved me, then X, Y and Z . . .

 

This is just a general observation of people’s attachment to what love has to look like or mean. I believe two things:

 

  1. True love is without attachment or expectation.
  2. Relationships are about more than just love.

 

If you believe that relationships work if there’s enough love and don’t if there’s not, your ideas about relationships may be too romanticized. Love is about having care for another regardless of the situation, but having a relationship is about building a life together. Somebody can genuinely love you and still prioritize themselves over you. Selfishness is a natural and necessary aspect of human evolution. The best way to love your partner is with a sense of detachment that allows both of you space to thrive as individuals. On the other hand, if you value partnership, you will have to embrace a level of sacrifice to do things for the benefit of your partnership that may or may not be immediately beneficial to you. Healthy relationships are a balance between the desire to be loved and the desire to give love. The partner who can achieve an ideal balance with you is the relationship worth fighting for.

 

Are there any common relationship notions out there that grind your gears? Vent a little in our comments section, or on any of our social media platforms – that’s what the internet is all about!

Moving Forward

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Regrets . . . we’ve had a few. But, then again . . . Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Julia Magsombol offers some advice on how to get back up and on our way. 

 

Moving forward in our everyday lives wasn’t easy, especially when we have committed many mistakes in the past. We all commit mistakes simply because we are humans. When they become too much to handle, we sometimes get stuck in the past. We can’t move forward anymore. Most of the time, our mistakes from the past control us and our lives in the present, which can negatively affect our future. So how can we move forward in our lives when we’ve made tons of mistakes?

 

I took different courses, such as philosophy, sociology and ethical studies, in university. In those classes, we talked about several topics and issues that covered advice on how to manage ourselves when we’ve committed mistakes from the past and how to avoid them again in the future. I would say that those did not help at all. Besides different professors explaining those lectures in a complicated manner, they sometimes added theories on human minds that I couldn’t grasp. Those classes were interesting, but I did not enjoy them all. After all, how could those professors or philosophers from ancient Greece tell us to manage our lives with complicated theories? Could those life theories and deep vocabularies help us move forward or make better life choices? Maybe, but I didn’t feel like they could. 

 

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I still do now. I am a human with flaws, and I am imperfect. I’ve had a lot of failed relationships. Sadly, I’ve also failed in my relationship with myself. Sometimes I still can’t accept my mistakes, and I’m still not healed. I sometimes wake up in the morning thinking if I can still do it. At night, I’ve been an insomniac, unable to sleep. In short, my past mistakes have controlled me and my decision-making. I have regrets, and I wish I could turn back time. I’ve struggled to achieve inner peace. I have difficulty accepting my mistakes, but I’ve figured out coping mechanisms. I’ve numbered all the things I should remember whenever I want to give up because of the mistakes I’ve committed, and here they are:

 

  1. Just cry

Some people think that crying is for the weak, or that crying is for vulnerable people who can’t figure out the solutions to the mistakes they have committed. But so what? We are human beings who feel pain. It is alright to cry and let your emotions out. 

 

  1. Learn from your mistakes 

I know this sounds cliché, but it’s true. As the Mad Hatter from Alice Through the Looking Glass said, “You might not change the past, but you might learn something from it.” We can’t time travel like we see in movies. We can never go back to the time we committed mistakes and avoid them. All we can do is learn from those experiences. 

 

  1. Don’t repeat your mistakes 

Sometimes, when we commit mistakes, we repeat them again. We may never know the real reason, but we shouldn’t commit another mistake that will make us suffer more. It is okay to commit mistakes once in a difficult situation, but not repetitively. 

 

  1. The mistakes you’ve committed don’t define you

Sometimes, we are left with difficult decisions, and we can’t do anything about them. We are just humans who commit mistakes in different situations. We are not perfect, so we shouldn’t let mistakes define who we are and overshadow the goodness in ourselves. 

 

  1. Don’t hurt yourself 

We might blame ourselves for all the mistakes we have made. Sadly, we might get mad and hurt ourselves, both physically and emotionally. It is alright to get mad, but hurting ourselves isn’t right. After all, we only have ourselves in the end. 

 

  1. There’s always tomorrow.

Annie from Annie sings, “The sun will come out tomorrow, so you gotta hang on ‘til tomorrow.” It isn’t easy to move forward, but there’s always tomorrow to do better things, to be the best version of ourselves. We are never too late in life. We are free to live and to do the things we love. Give yourself a chance on your own tomorrow and hang in there. 

 

I haven’t forgotten all the mistakes I’ve committed or moved on from them, but reading this, the advice I’ve created for myself, helps me to cope and, sometimes, to get me on track once again. It isn’t easy to move on forward when you’ve made a lot of mistakes. But keep in mind that it is never impossible to move forward. We can always keep trying.

 

How do you pick yourself up again when you’ve made a mistake? Let us know in the comments below, or talk it through with some supportive peers at a Conscious Connections meeting!

The Mental Health Revolution Might Be Televised

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And now, back to our regularly scheduled mental health conversations: Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao identifies a trend in television shows exploring issues like self-love and loss.

 

In today’s media, topics such as self-worth, self-love and grief are discussed in a much more prevalent way, and externalities of these discussions tend to be very positive. With the media educating people on these subjects, consumers are more educated and aware of them. CW shows such as The Vampire Diaries and The 100, or Marvel’s WandaVision, all include these discussion points throughout the course of their shows. Many of the characters showcased have inner conflicts related to these subjects, and are written in a way that makes viewers understand them on a personal level.

 

Clarke Griffin, one of the protagonists of The 100, battles self-worth in a way that really makes us see the person beneath all the armour. She would go to many lengths to protect her people, even by dooming the entirety of another population. After having been branded the title of “Commander of Death,” she consistently wonders if she is a “good” person or a “bad” one, even though it is because of her actions that everyone she loves is alive. One idea that the show often touches on is that maybe there are no bad guys. Nobody is born a bad person, but everyone has done things we regret. That by no means makes somebody a bad person, but even someone who’s inherently good has done bad deeds. Whether it’s lying to a friend or not talking to their parents more before they died, everyone has experiences that they wish they could take back. However, this does not make them terrible people, or less worthy of love. Clarke battles this throughout the show’s seven seasons after having to constantly sacrifice things to survive and save the ones that she loves.

 

A show that explores self-love through the eyes of a character is CW’s The Vampire Diaries. A character that has battles of whether he’s worthy of love is Damon Salvatore, who’s one-half of the Salvatore brothers. He says that he wants to be known as the “bad brother” so he isn’t expected to be good. Being a good person can be hard sometimes; it gets exhausting. Everyone has times where they want to be selfish. Because of this, Damon wonders if he’s worthy of love. He knows he’s selfish, but he would still do anything for the love of his life. Through Damon we understand that everybody is worthy of love, especially someone who’s ready to give up everything to save others. Just because someone thinks they’re a bad person does not mean they’re not worthy of love. In fact, if someone is aware that they’re not “good,” that realization usually indicates a goodness within. Nobody is born a bad person, everyone has light and dark inside of them.

 

In Marvel’s 2021 show WandaVision, grief and its five stages is one of the main themes. Wanda Maximoff battles grief after losing her beloved Vision in Avengers: Infinity War. Her life in WandaVision is a whirlwind of grief, and leads to her accepting her loss and becoming very powerful. Discussing topics like this sheds the light on very real emotions that people feel when they lose a loved one. Marvel has released many limited series shows in 2021, and they all talk about important topics. With the large platform that Marvel has, these stories can go a long way toward educating people about the subjects they need to understand in order to accept others who are dealing with tough times.

 

Having shows that reach a large audience discuss these topics is an improvement upon society because it brings light to important issues. It educates the people that consume said content and creates material for discussion. Only with discussion can a society become more empathetic, educated and kind. These kinds of mainstream conversations are an important step to a world that is more accepting, and therefore loving. 

What TV shows have had a positive influence on you? Let us know in the comments below or on our community site so we can all binge watch some quality content!

Alone with Everybody

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Connie Wong describes how solitude can be just as valuable as friendship.

 

I have enjoyed hanging out with my friends since elementary school. With friends, you are less worried about walking alone awkwardly and they can be there when you feel bored and need company. By middle school, we had around ten people who always gathered together to share our thoughts and feelings within our group.

 

There is endless fun within a group, but they can also create problems simultaneously: you could easily feel left out if you’re the shy kid in the group. As well, sometimes you want to fit in, but it can be time-consuming to participate. Being involved in group activities can take up my study time, or just the moments that I wish to spend alone quietly. 

 

Later, as I graduated from middle school, I went to a new high school where the students had already known each other for two years before I transferred. It wasn’t challenging for me to find a friend there, but I was hoping to find a friend group like I previously had. I started to glance at each corner of the school and see where I could fit in.

 

Eventually, after a long observation, I decided to give up because, in my opinion, none of the groups I saw felt welcoming. The in-group bias made their friendships stronger and more connected inside, and it was clear what they might look for in new members. I understood because that’s what I would have thought back in middle school.

 

I decided to stay at school as little as I could to avoid being an outlier who did not belong to any of the friend groups. One day I needed to ask questions before an important exam. As soon as I was done with the question I went to the library, where everyone was told to sit alone for social distancing. This place was absolutely a shelter for me to conceal my awkwardness.

 

I took out my supplies and turned to look out the library windows: many students were sitting outside by themselves. Some were reading books, some were enjoying their lunch, and some were just confidently walking around in the school.

 

“Don’t they feel awkward when they see others gather as a group and they look left out?” I wondered.

 

I stared at them for a few more minutes, and I answered myself.

 

“No, they’re perfectly fine without a friend beside them.”

 

If I didn’t grow up as part of a group, I might have felt more natural spending my time alone in public. However, being alone after spending most of my time with the group was a nightmare for me. It made me feel like a lonely performer on a stage. Seeing others living perfectly fine without friends around them helped me release my tension, and I gradually learned to be confident by myself in a crowd.

 

Everyone has a choice in whether to join a group or work alone. I’m not an introvert or an extrovert: I’m a person who loves being both and trying to balance them. Spending too much time socializing is exhausting for me, but it is also difficult for me to stay at home for more than three days.

 

Friendships can play important roles in our life, but allowing them to take over your schedule is not healthy. Learning to be alone is essential because you never know when you might be separated from your friends. Always stay patient and calm when you need to go through some time alone. Only that will make your friendships grow stronger.

Are you an introvert or extrovert? An ambivert, maybe? An omnivert, perhaps? Or maybe you’re something else entirely? Let us know in the comments below, or join our community platform to make a whole bunch of instant connections! And whoever you are, we appreciate you!

Mastering Magnetism

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Nour Saqqa argues that integrity is key to becoming a better leader, and outlines the path to achieve a reputation that will earn the trust of others.

 

Did you know that your greatest personal asset is the way that others know you? That’s right, it’s your reputation. Your reputation can be the reason why you get promoted or fired. And in today’s academic and business worlds, if you want to set yourself apart from others and be noticed as an up-and-coming leader, you need to invest in the most important trait that’s associated with having a good reputation and being a great leader—integrity.

 

Integrity involves being honest and moral and trustworthy and consistent. A person with integrity is not only accountable, self-aware and responsible, but also makes ethical decisions in any given situation. Those who have integrity become magnets, attracting people and opportunities. 

 

Let’s face it, people will not buy anything from or follow individuals they don’t trust. So, what are three actions you can take today to help you become a better leader? 

  • Keep Your Word 

 

Words are powerful — but actions are even more powerful. With words, you can convey a willingness to do something. But how you act actually demonstrates your level of willingness. Whenever you — or anyone — say you will do something, others expect you to do it. 

 

When you choose not to honour your commitments enough times, you will often find others running in the other direction when they see you. When, however, you honour your word and follow through on commitments, others are more likely to trust that you will do so in the future. 

 

Honouring your word establishes you as reliable and trustworthy. It also allows you to have more influence on others in both your social life and at work. This means that more people will listen to what you have to say. 

 

Whether or not you choose to keep your word not only impacts your relationships, but also the overall strength of your character. It’s easy to make promises and break them. When, however, you choose to keep your promises, each act of integrity strengthens your character.

  • Live in Truth and Analyze Your Key Relationships Regularly

 

To live in truth with yourself, you must live in truth with each person in your life. It means refusing to say or do something that you don’t believe is right. It means refusing to stay in any situation where you’re unhappy with the behaviour of another person because you refuse to compromise your values. 

 

Part of being able to live in truth with yourself and others involves becoming more self-aware — being able to see yourself more accurately by better understanding who you are and what your values are, how you situate yourself in this world and what motivates you.

 

Becoming more self-aware is one of the most powerful ways to grow as a leader. For instance, in a book titled Leading So People Will Follow, Erika Andersen discovers that individuals who are more self-aware become more successful leaders.   

  • Study People of Strong Character

 

Sometimes, the best way to learn is through example. This can involve learning through observation or through reading about and studying other people’s success stories. This also applies to developing integrity. 

 

You can develop yours by studying people of strong character like Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher, Vishen Lakhiani, and Jay Shetty—leaders whose core values and business ethics have allowed them to change the world. 

 

How many of these actions will you practice today? 

 

While developing your integrity and becoming a better leader does not happen overnight, implementing a strategy that involves incorporating specific daily practices into your lifestyle will help you become a better leader. 

 

All you soon-to-be great leaders out there: what will you do to make yourself into the person you know you can be? Or are you already there? Tell us about your journey in the comments below, or on any of our social media channels!

Breaking the Mirror

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Jihu Lee examines the fine line between empathy and codependency.

 

What does empathy mean to you? Some of us may give more to others than we do for ourselves. Others may be there to listen while a friend vents. Whatever you do to exercise empathy, we may have a basic definition in mind of what that means, perhaps something like “putting oneself in another’s shoes to understand their perspective.” But, while we may think we know what empathy is and is not, I have noticed over time that we may engage in behaviors that are deceivingly ’empathetic’ and actually harmful. Does empathy have boundaries beyond which it is no longer considered as such? 

 

The idea of being empathetic with boundaries intact may sound paradoxical. After all, isn’t the point of empathy to touch others’ lives with open arms? To a significant extent, this is certainly the case. Roman Krznaric, Ph.D, author of the article “Six Habits of Highly Empathetic People,” acknowledges that part of empathy means expanding the boundaries of “our moral universe.” But Krznaric adds that empathetic people not only strive to uplift others around them, but to improve their own lives as well. These are the six habits of empathetic people, as Krznaric describes them: 

 

  1. Cultivate curiosity about strangers. 
  2. Challenge prejudices and discover commonalities. 
  3. Try another person’s life. 
  4. Listen hard and open up. 
  5. Inspire mass action and social change. 
  6. Develop ambitious imagination. 

 

I personally find these observations eye-opening because they lead to a conversation about how empathetic people with boundaries can touch others profoundly. Let’s frame our discussion by looking at what empathy without boundaries is like. 

 

Do you find yourself striving to make someone else’s life better while depriving yourself of your own needs? Do you hesitate to stand up for yourself by holding another person accountable for their actions out of fear that you might upset them? Repeated occurrences of such subservient behavior are no longer characteristic of empathy, but rather, codependency. 

 

Codependency, at its core, is neglecting one’s own well-being to meet others’ needs or to gain approval. This behavior can often start in childhood, where children may feel they deserve love only if they make their parents happy and carry this idea into adulthood. Codependent people often program themselves to be hypervigilant to their parents’, friends’ or partners’ emotions for external validation. But by constantly seeking outside approval to fill the emptiness inside, we lose our sense of self and identity; we become so fixated on the emotions of those around us that we fail to regulate our own. For instance, if you ever find yourself giving unsolicited advice in an effort to “fix” another, it may indicate hypervigilance and the desire for control over an emotional state that is not your own. 

 

Similarly, I believe holding back from encouraging others to outgrow maladaptive coping mechanisms is a sign of wanting to please the other person – an effort to preserve a relationship that survives on our compliance rather than our ability to stand up for ourselves. We lose our sense of self in mirroring someone else. For instance, imagine you have a significant other with unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape the burden of their heavy realities. Rather than encouraging them to seek help, you allow your partner to continue their unhealthy behavioral patterns out of fear that you might lose them if you stood up to them. 

 

How does this relate to empathetic people and their habits? Let’s recall Krznaric’s words, that we strive to better our own lives when expanding our moral universe to others. Essentially, empathetic people excel at reaching out without overextending and balancing care for others with care for themselves.

 

What we can take away from this idea is that we serve others better – with more understanding and validation – if we are good to ourselves and in tune with our own emotions. 

 

All six habits of empathetic people have a common thread connecting them: the ability to support authenticity while striving to understand and uplift others. It takes authenticity to inspire others and create change, because then people look up to you and not a mirror of themselves. We need to be grounded in our own identity to cultivate a vibrant imagination that uniquely captures us. When others are in emotional distress, we need to hold space and be a listener without desiring to fix them. In a similar manner, we cannot lose ourselves when trying another person’s life or reaching out to a stranger. Before standing up for what’s right, we need to hold onto our sense of self that guides our moral compass.

 

It certainly isn’t an easy overnight transformation from codependency to empathy. But emotional awareness of codependency alone is a strong step towards change. As a community, I encourage us to remind one another that our own minds and bodies matter. Practice setting boundaries to bring yourself peace, rather than disregarding boundaries and undermining your own well-being in an attempt to keep the peace. Wanting to help others is undoubtedly a strength of one’s character, but helping yourself will synergistically uplift both sides. 

 

Sources: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201711/are-you-codependent-or-just-caring-person

https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/the-link-between-high-sensitivity-empathy-and-codependency/

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/difference-between-empathy-and-codependent-behavior-for-hsps

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1

 

Celebrate your identity with the Low Entropy community by sharing what makes you uniquely you at our community site or on any of our social media platforms – we can’t wait to hear your voice!

The Art of Resilience

Posted on by andrew

Through the theme of resilience, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao finds the link between fantasy and reality.

 

Spoiler alert: this article may contain spoilers for Six of Crows.

 

Six of Crows is a fantasy novel that features six protagonists, and is part of a duology that shows how resilience can get anybody through anything – even raiding a top-level security government building. Chosen as one of Time magazine’s contenders for the top one hundred best fantasy books of all time, it’s a heist story written by Leigh Bardugo, and is inspired by the likes of the film Ocean’s Eleven. It is a contemporary example of resilience in media, and encourages modern-day readers to want to be more like the characters in the book.

 

The characters in Six of Crows all exhibit resilience at some point throughout the series, whether it’s Kaz’s never-ending scheming and conning, Jesper accepting himself and the powers that he has or Inej finding ways to be grateful towards a life that’s been nothing but hardship. It shows that no matter how young, resilience is necessary in order for success. 

 

Of all of the novel’s six protagonists, Matthias Helvar is the most resilient. Not only was he imprisoned in one of the most brutal prisons in a foreign country because of someone he trusted, he also changed his antagonistic world view about Grisha (people who practice magic) throughout the course of the two books, only to die at the end. Matthias is from a country known as Fjerda, and his people actively hunt Grisha because they think that they’re unnatural abominations. After falling in love and pledging his life to the same person he thought betrayed him, however, Matthias had to unlearn years of propaganda from his government and the country that he served and loved. Even as he died, his final wish was for his lover – Nina Zenik – to show mercy to his people, the same people who saw him as a traitor for associating with a Grisha, and the same people who ended up killing him.

 

Matthias is the very image of resilience – even though he died, he stayed resilient to the very end and was the embodiment of honour.

 

In everyday life, resilience can be seen in less dramatic, but equally profound ways. A child falling off their bike and getting up, a student who does not do well on an exam and then proceeds to study harder, or a single parent who continues to go to work even on the worst of days. Resilience is something that everyone has the ability to find inside them, and rise up from hardship, even though it’s difficult.

 

It is because resilience is difficult that it is also so important. A person needs to be resilient if they wish to succeed. Although life can throw curve balls at us and put us in difficult situations, resilience is the key to get us through those tough times. Through art, we can see that it’s an art to be resilient. If everyone engages with this art, our society can only become stronger.

 

Tell us about a time you had to be resilient. Share your stories in the comments below, or in person at a Conscious Connections meeting!

 

Living Sustainably: Five Easy Tips

Posted on by andrew

It’s a handful of low-effort, eco-friendly choices from Low Entropy eco-friendly volunteer writer Nour Saqqa!

 

When you hear bloggers, global organizations, artisans, and environmental activists tossing around the phrase ‘sustainable living’ enough times, you begin to wonder what it means and why you should care about it. 

 

Sustainable living involves becoming more aware of how your food choices, your clothing purchases and, among other things, your use of energy impact the environment. It means living in a way that reduces your environmental impact and supports both present and future generations. When you live more sustainably, you can improve your health, save money and feel happier.

 

Even though a sustainable lifestyle looks different for everyone, there are areas where you can reduce your personal and societal environmental impact. Here are a few examples of actions you can take to start living a more sustainable lifestyle today. 

 

  1. Replace Plastics with More Eco-Friendly Alternatives 

 

Replacing plastics may sound like a challenging task, especially since we all live in a plastic-filled world. But there are many alternatives — and it’s becoming easier to find them. Reducing your use of plastics can be as simple as replacing your plastic water bottles, straws, single-use cups and lunch boxes with ones made from stainless steel. Stainless steel products are not only much more durable than plastics, but are also free of toxic chemicals like Bisphenol A, also known as BPA. Other alternatives include glass, beeswax-coated cloth, wood, bamboo or cardboard that’s not coated in plastic. 

 

  1. Use Less Household Energy

 

Consuming less power at home is both good for you and the environment. When you dial down your electricity use, you save money and help reduce the number of toxins released into the environment. Using less electricity also means that you’re helping conserve limited resources such as water, fossil fuels, minerals, nuclear energy and natural gases. You can start by switching off appliances you’re not using — and that includes a tablet that you just left on your couch or computer desk. Other ways involve replacing your incandescent lights with LED lights and buying a more water-efficient showerhead. No matter how many of these changes you decide to make, any minor change counts.

 

  1. Use Your Bike Whenever You Can

 

Swapping your car with your bike can also be a great way to stay fit and benefit the environment. Cycling will help you feel less depressed and less stressed. It will also help improve your posture and joint mobility. For many, this mainly aerobic activity can also increase muscle strength, flexibility and cardiovascular fitness. 

 

Every time you cycle, you also help reduce air pollution, parking problems and the number of burned non-renewable fuels — and these are just a few of the benefits. Imagine if you knew them all. So, the next time you plan to go on a short trip, think of all the positive changes you can make to your health and the environment’s health just from changing your transportation. 

 

  1. Wash Clothes in Cold Water 

 

If you were just sick and slept on your bed, you should probably rinse your clothes with hot water. In any other instance, cold water is the better option. Cold water requires a lot less energy than hot water, and this means that you can save some real money by making this change. Cold water also helps your clothes last longer, and removes stains effectively. Clothes are also less likely to shrink, wrinkle or fade in cold water. When you choose to use cold water, the environment will also thank you because this action helps prevent more carbon pollution. 

 

  1. Upcycle Your Clothes 

 

Upcycling is an easy way to reuse what you already have by transforming it into something new. In the process, you also help reduce greenhouse gas emissions and textile waste — waste that ends up in landfills and takes a long time to decompose or get rid of. By being more sustainable with clothes, you can make a difference. 

 

Choosing to live sustainably doesn’t have to be so challenging. And sometimes, the best approach is to start small. It can be as simple as swapping your plastic bottle with a stainless steel one or using less water when you shower. No matter what eco-friendly changes you decide to make today, it will be worthwhile for both you and all future generations. 

 

Do you have any ideas for easy, eco-friendly lifestyle changes? Like Nour says, every little bit counts! Share with us in the comments below or on any of our social media channels!

Uniquely Beautiful

Posted on by andrew

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Anais Delépine reminds us that we’re all one-of-a-kind, and reveals how appreciating that can create positivity within our diverse communities.

 

Everyone in this world is diverse, and that is okay.

 

Traits such as physical aspects are visible. Some are less so: we have different sexual orientations, we do not think or act the same way, and we all have different social and cultural backgrounds. Beliefs and opinions forged early in age may change over time as one matures.

 

Some enjoy listening to music, others don’t. Some like playing soccer, others enjoy football. One person’s faith may be oriented toward Buddhism while another is agnostic. Some believe that fighting for world peace is a number one priority ,while others may think climate change is the most critical world challenge.

 

All in all, there may be someone similar to you in many aspects, but there will never be someone that is exactly like you in every aspect. All these traits are a reflection of our personalities and make us unique and rich.

 

Diversity is beautiful as long as one remains true to themselves.

 

Trouble comes when one hides their true self, consciously or unconsciously. Why would they do that? They want to be liked or avoid being judged, so they show others what they think those others want to see, or the kind of person they think those others want them to be. Situations may also reveal one’s personality: even if, for example, one person is the sweetest being on this planet, this aspect can easily change in a second. Something drastic could happen and make that person become rude and aggressive all of a sudden. Of course, this phenomenon can also happen in a positive way. 

 

Although diversity is beautiful, our differences may lead to conflicts when communicating.

 

We can overcome these challenges by working toward better understanding our own personalities. Are you a doer, a socializer, a thinker, a relater or a subtle mix of all that? Know your true colors and leverage your strengths while working on your potential limiters. Once this knowledge has been acquired, you can start to understand others and establish a common ground where discussions can take place amongst all of our different diverse personalities. That’s how the most beautiful ideas and relationships arise in this world!

 

Are you a doer, a socializer, a thinker, a relater or a subtle mix of all that? Let us know in the comments below, or among a small group of supportive peers at a Conscious Connections meeting!

Ours to Discover

Posted on by andrew

Human beings have created a multitudinous array of wonderful cultures. How could we not feel the rush of curiosity and adventure when we encounter the uniqueness of any of them? Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Alexandra Dadivas speaks on the beauty of embracing difference.

 

At present, there are almost eight billion people on Earth. all of whom are scattered throughout seven different continents and 195 countries. They are divided by race, religion, cultural background and experiences. With all of these qualities making us so different, one might start to wonder how any of us could come together when the world couldn’t put us further apart.

 

I was born and raised in a Roman Catholic family. Hence, the holidays were a big deal! We had seven-foot-tall trees sprinkled with countless decorations that matched the rest of the house, cookies and milk waiting for a very special guest and presents for everyone we knew, all in celebration of the birthday of our Jesus. For a long time, it was all I knew. What didn’t occur to me was that not everybody believed in the same things that I did. At school, those candy canes that my classmates handed out were merely in the spirit of the holidays, not because it held any spiritual value to them personally. I decided to accept it, for all that mattered was that everybody was celebrating Christmas, right?

 

When I was 10, I met one of my closest friends, Aaliyah. It was such a rare and exciting connection, because we were alike in almost every single way. When Christmastime came around, I noticed she wasn’t as enthusiastic as the rest of the class was. I asked her why, and she said she didn’t celebrate Christmas, at least not this one. With wide eyes, I wondered what she meant, and she explained that she was Muslim and that her religion, Islam, had their own holidays, such as Eid and Ramadan. As much as I was taken aback, I was fascinated. She was someone who didn’t share my Christmas, but had her own kind that she celebrated in other ways. This dissimilarity actually brought us even closer, for we were both eager to learn about each other’s religion and how we could include each other in it. We made a pact that on her holidays, she would give me presents, and on mine, I’d do the same. Of course, as children, that was our favorite part, but as we got older I realized how beautiful our friendship had grown to become because of this difference. Despite the fact that the joy came from different sources, we bonded even more over our love for each others’ religions.

 

As time goes on and I am exposed to an even wider variety of people, the same exhilarating feeling runs through me every time I discover someone who has a different cultural upbringing than me. Every person is an opportunity to learn more about what every corner of the world has to offer. Even my immediate friend group shows so much diversity. Of the six of us, one is Scottish, two are Indian, another is Mexican, Aaliyah is Arab, and I am Filipino. Everybody makes an effort to explore each other’s traditions and backgrounds, and though these efforts are small, whether it be trying a traditional food or just giving them holiday greetings, there are powerful meanings behind them. It says that we respect one another’s differences as much as we embrace them.

 

I firmly believe that having diversity in one’s social circle increases the likelihood of feeling that prejudice is wrong. Whenever I come across someone who is racist and assumes, for instance, that all Black people are violent, I speak up as loud as I can because I think of my African-American friends, who have been through so much discrimination and pain. I defend Aaliyah and her kind family when somebody shames them on their religion or their home country, Palestine. My friends show me the best parts of humans – the parts that I will always stand up for, no matter what.

 

Having connections with people from all over the world allows you to see past the negativity that society has pinned on them, to the beauty of it all. It increases your admiration, curiosity and overall respect for every race, religion and culture that makes up humanity. Friendship itself is already an incredible thing, but once you delve into everything that makes a person, it becomes so much more real, and yet more magical at the same time. 

Share your culture with the Low Entropy team at our community site, or in person at a Conscious Connections meet-up!

Masculine & Feminine Energies: Understanding Our Duality

Posted on by andrew

Masculine? Feminine? Why not both? Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Emma Norton explains.

 

Life is designed based on energetic polarities, and our purpose is to strive for balance.

 

  • Positive and Negative
  • Dark and Light
  • Masculine and Feminine

 

The list goes on. The Law of Polarity explains these dualities as ubiquitous. Perhaps our biggest misconception of these dualities is manifest in our creation of masculine and feminine stereotypes, particularly as applied to assigned gender. Furthermore, we have been living within an arguably toxic patriarchal system that perpetuates unhealthy behaviors in both energies. Based on the sexual organs you are born with, you are assigned a gender. This creates a boxing-in of antiquated behaviors that are more detrimental than they are good. They do, in theory, simplify things. But the societal shaming of interests not deemed stereotypical of our assigned gender impedes our ability to be multifaceted people.

 

Understanding our duality, particularly within our Masculine and Feminine energies, can have a massive impact on our self-awareness.

 

We can evolve our interactions with the world and engage in our interests without hesitation by embracing this duality and discarding the notion that we must be more of one energy than the other.

Based on the chart above, you can start to gather a sense of these aspects being polarities to one another. One would not exist without the other. When we can see these aspects within ourselves and others, we can better discern our choices. To segregate things based on gender is ludicrous, because our bodies are not always representative of our inner world, and that’s okay. Removing these limitations from ourselves enables us to heal and become more well-rounded individuals. We can realize that we don’t need external validation from others to thrive.

 

When considering terms like gender-bending and androgynous, we must accept the premise that we all hold both masculine and feminine energies by nature. Shaming a male for being overly emotional or a female for being too tough are examples of outdated stereotypes that can lead to insecurity. When we feel awkward in our truth, we hide it. Cultivating a deeper awareness of our internal dualities would lessen these issues greatly.

 

In our efforts to be balanced, we can as well come to identify when we are out of alignment. Using myself as an example, I feel balanced when I am creative, receptive and nurturing. I also value my logic and planning abilities, so I try to project them through my professional development or even my exercise activity. With writing as an example, it’s highly creative for me, and my voice is authentically feminine in its compassion, but I am also planning out the structure, editing the content and coordinating with clients, which is my masculine portrayal of energy. When I am too focused on the former, I am happy, but paralyzed by the next steps because I don’t feel rooted security. When I focus on the latter, I become anxious because I am exerting too much energy into planning and not doing. Marrying the value of the two energies I embody together allows me to take intuitive action. 

 

It is difficult, in our society, to remove the pressure to stereotype that results from unhealthy masculine energy. Our desire to assimilate is our downfall. All we have seen is out of alignment, and therefore out of integrity. We will save the lesson on generational trauma for another day, but I see it as a survival instinct and desire for safety that stems from wounded masculine energy. I have seen clear examples of this, how the effects of the patriarchal societal system alter the choices for all gender identities. It’s simply out of whack. 

 

I am more aware of my empathic abilities now. I have always seen through to the underlying pain of others. This often kept me in a balanced, neutral state before any conditioning seeped into my brain from the external world. With all I have learned and understand about my duality, I can look back and apply my understanding of unbalanced energies to old wounds for further healing. It’s fascinating to look back and understand the defense mechanisms of bruised egos (including my own) which I, of course, could not fully grasp at the time. 

 

People and society can and will share their perspectives on whether you are more masculine or feminine, aside from your assumed identification. Many stereotypes tend to cloud our discernment of self-identity.

The simple message is that we embody both as energies. We have the opportunity to find our wholeness when we take ownership of our duality and work toward a balance. 

 

Hey! Using italics at the end of an article is my thing! You’re taking my thing! It’s all I’ve ever known! Sigh. While I reflect on what this means for my identity, dear reader, consider joining a Conscious Connections session, where you can discuss the impact of gender stereotyping and internal energies with a group of awesome Low Entropy community members.