Tag: mentalhealth

Mental Health and Addiction; Ending the Stigma

Posted on by andrew

Taylor Caldarino (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

What is stigma? How is it harmful and how does it discourage people from receiving and accessing care and harm reduction in regard to addiction and mental health issues? What are the ways we, as a society, can erase the stigma around mental health and addiction? These are questions I would like to try to answer. First off, let’s start by talking about what stigma is. Stigma is defined as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” There are three groups of stigma, self-stigma, social stigma, and structural stigma; each comes with its own set of difficulties and hurdles. I think it is also important to note that addiction is listed in the diagnostic statistical manual 5 for mental disorders. 

In the sense of mental health and addiction, why is stigma bad? Well, this is because stigma often coincides with guilt, shame, predispositions and embarrassment. First, let’s talk about how these feelings are particularly bad for those struggling with mental health issues. Stigma can decrease the rates at which people access mental health services. Why should we care? This is because a lack of access to care can increase suicide rates, decrease treatment rates, cause a decrease in educating others about mental health and as well as decrease diagnostic rates. 

Self-stigma causes an individual struggling with addiction or other mental health issues to feel shame due to negative societal beliefs. People often condemn these populations from society, describing them as scary, a threat, lazy and other derogatory terms. This can cause the person suffering to avoid seeking help when they want or need to due to the fear of being judged or feeling as though their mental health struggles are their fault which adds to the barriers to healthcare these populations face. 

Social stigma is the view that others hold about the stigmatized group, this leads people to be fearful of these groups. Social stigma can also result in a lack of empathy for those struggling, this can result in not perceiving these populations as equal which can affect laws and programs in place to help these individuals. Social stigma also leads to the not-in-my-neighborhood effect (NIMBY) in which services have a hard time finding locations to start their programs since there are often protests about locations opening up. An example of this would be a safe injection site, some might say it will encourage drug use in their area, destroy their area, cost taxpayers more money, or cause used needles to be found in the area. I have been in an apartment where there was a safe injection site below and the people who lived there said they have never experienced any issues in the years they have been living there and that the people who use this facility are nothing but respectful. I thought that was an interesting thing to say since people who are a victim of addiction are often seen and labeled as dangerous and destructive. However, this just proves that this stigma is untrue, there are parents with young kids that live in the building and they feel safe. 

I would also like to briefly explain what addiction care and harm reduction are since educating is a way to help end stigma. Addiction care and harm reduction can include programs such as safe injection sites and programs that allow users to safely detox from a substance such as methadone treatments and managed alcohol administration. Addiction stigma is problematic because it impacts the laws surrounding addiction care and harm reduction, this coincides with structural stigma. Structural stigma is embedded into the system so it results in the poor treatment of those with mental health and addiction issues. These individuals often have their struggles minimized. 

The idea that decriminalizing drugs, opening safe injection sites, or providing methadone treatment will encourage drug use is an allegory. If these become the norm does that mean you will start using these drugs if you do not have the urge or have not already? Probably not, those who want to engage in recreational drug use probably are already. Not only does de-stigmatizing drug use help those who have an addiction but can also reduce costs since these facilities save lives and decriminalizing drugs results in fewer people incarcerated. One person in a hospital bed costs about $8,000 per day for standard care or one person incarcerated costs up to $259 per day. The loved ones of those struggling and those struggling may also feel relief knowing that the risk of developing diseases from unclean needles will be decreased, they can freely test their substances to ensure they know what they are taking and know that there is a non-judgemental community there for them if they do decide to recover. 

How can we end the stigma around addiction and mental health? Well, this is through anti-stigma education which can help reduce stigma in all settings such as school and work settings (especially healthcare). Guest speakers who have dealt with mental health issues or professionals in the mental health field coming into schools can also help destigmatize addiction and other mental health issues. It is important to let people know that addiction is a mental health disorder and is not “self-inflicted” like many think. If there is less societal stigma, self-stigma may also be reduced. There is also less of a chance of feeling shame and structural stigma through a shift in perspective and policies.

 

—

 

My name is Taylor, and I am currently majoring in psychology and minoring in gerontology at Simon Fraser University. I also love to hike and cook!

The Benefits of Emotional Support Animals When Going Through Addiction and Mental Health Recovery

Posted on by andrew

Continue reading “The Benefits of Emotional Support Animals When Going Through Addiction and Mental Health Recovery”

A Journey to Recovery

Posted on by andrew

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

When you search up how to define recovery, the first thing to pop up is the following definition: it is “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.” At first glance, this seems like a perfectly acceptable definition but if you sit and think about it, it offers up a vague answer to something that is actually quite complicated. In my opinion, recovery can mean a lot of different things to many different people and situations. I think it is unfair to put the word “normal” within the definition because firstly, I don’t believe there is such a thing as normal in this world and secondly, I think it puts high expectations on something that is very difficult and that pressure can cause harm. 

 

I can’t speak for others because everyone has their own way of working on and defining their recovery but in my case, if I were to say what my recovery looks like for me, I would describe it as a nonlinear journey. To me, there is no straightforward path to the top of the mountain, it’s jagged and bumpy with many routes. I also think that it’s the most realistic way of looking at life. I have learned overtime that we all want some clear idea of where we are headed: there is security and comfort in that and I have felt that urge to have all the answers many times. However, there is also something comforting in giving up control and letting the wind direct you where it wants. 

 

I am not saying that this method is meant for everyone. Some people strive in structured environments and they feel anxious without it but personally, I think you should always explore different alternatives and find the one that works best for you. I may not have had to recover from alcohol or drug abuse, but I have been in a fight within my own mind for years trying to reclaim control while also searching for happiness and meaning in my life. I have noticed that I can fixate so hard on one little slip up that it can completely erase all the progress I made the previous day. I have to allow myself room for errors so when I do fall, I am more prepared the next time so it doesn’t feel like the world crashed alongside me. I also think it would be beneficial if individuals who aren’t struggling or recovering from something took a minute and accepted the fact that even if it is hard to watch your loved one recover, they aren’t going to be fine overnight. Recovery takes time and a lot of wounded souls can feel like Humpty Dumpty who falls off the wall just waiting for someone to put them back together and I think even though that support is helpful and may seem easier. I think we need to remember that we are able to help ourselves, even if we just don’t believe it yet. 

 

In conclusion, just remember to be patient with yourself and the things life puts in your path and even though it sucks sometimes, it does make you a stronger and better person. I truly believe that. However, if my words lack gravity with the masses, take a moment to listen to “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus and keep these lyrics in your heart as a sort of mantra: 

“[t]here’s always going to be another mountain, I’m always going to want to make it move, always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m going to have to lose, it isn’t about how fast I get there, it isn’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.” 

 

At the end of the day, when you do finally feel like you have reached a place of healing and can live a good life you will be able to look back at the person you once were and appreciate the journey. 

– 

My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am a university student who has a passion for writing. I hope that through my blog posts people can connect with me and learn something. I also want to bring constant awareness to mental health and the disabled community and I believe I can do that best at Low Entropy.

Relapse, Don’t Give Up

Posted on by andrew

Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Tragedies of life are almost unavoidable no matter the route you take. Some-way, some-how like poison ivy, it attaches to your skin, makes you uncomfortable, phases you out, beats you down, knocks you off. In all of these theatrics, you could fall many times, stumble, stagger, give up, relapse, get better, move on, relapse again, throw in the towel or build resilience for real. The unending cycle and nightmare just seems to double more than the 360 degree route of emotions anyone could possibly attain. The question remains, which route is easier when pursuing stability? Relapse countless times or simply accept defeat and end it all? 

“I am giving it all up, I gave it my all and can’t seem to get any better, I am tired of giving everyone around me reasons to be concerned, I no longer want to be the complainant, drama queen and attention seeker in my family and among my friends, I am going to my peaceful place and hope everyone gets their peace too. Sorry for all the pain I caused, I really really tried.” These were the exact notes Benita Ima-Abasi left as she ended her life. We were all livid and numbed after her body was discovered by her neighbor. Ima, as we all fondly called her, had been our friend for about 5 years, she was the most cheerful and tender spirited in the group. I was in total shock for days as I had seen her two days earlier.

A few months preceding her death, Ima had lost her job at the nations monument bank barely six months after being promoted to the managerial level. She would often complain to us about the challenges of being a female boss and how she had to work twice as hard to command respect. After three months, she assured us of “totally killing it” followed by the news of her demotion and ultimate termination for an event she described as a “setup”. We all encouraged her, checked in on her, helped update her resume and sent new opportunities her way. She was doing better every day, she brightened up, although there were days she cried hard and sulked. In the end, we all assumed it was her process and believed she would get up and move on,  who knew that she was sinking deeper and deeper into the dark side until she was enveloped by the hands of chronic depression. 

In the evening that I saw her last, I had asked, “Ima, how are you doing for real?” She gave the generic answer we all give to such a question, “I am fine my dear.” Before she could go any further, I was distracted by the sight of the neighborhood clown who liked her. We all began to laugh and jumped from one story to the other. When the news of her death was shared, I wasn’t sure if it was the lie she gave me as an answer or the fact that I didn’t care enough to get the real answer that killed her.  The lies we tell!

Sometimes, when you are very close to someone, you are usually the last to know about their demons. The masks we wear as smiles, the lies we tell to make ourselves believe are often the reason for our unhappiness and ultimate doom. Relapse is a normal recovery process and not the failure of it. Very often there are many stages people struggling with recovery go through before they can finally heal, be it emotional, mental or physical. The hardest part is accepting that the actions we struggle with are addictive and harmful to us. Alcoholism, sex addictions, shopping addictions, drug abuse, chronic depression are all examples of daily struggles we try to overcome time and time again. 

I have encountered many people with different addictions who wished to get better, who relapsed frequently and those who could not win their battles and accepted defeat They all had similar reasons for their state of mind which in no particular order included; Societal influence and judgements against those suffering from addiction and mental illness, lack of a close support system, financial incapacitation, high cost of treatment and rehabilitation homes, scarcity of safe spaces to share and unburden their minds.

In my awakening, it was clear that I too had failed as a friend, confidant and shoulder to cry on too many times, just like many of us have failed to acknowledge our roles in human relationships. We have often asked others how they are doing without really listening intently to those answers, we have often blocked out people’s feelings because we are saving ourselves from being desensitized. We have called people’s emotions ‘weak’ because we failed to acknowledge the disparity distribution of courage and pain threshold. We have advised people to “snap out of it” without empowering them with the right tools and environment. We have judged, harshly dismissed and meted out unfair treatments, we have stigmatized mental health to the point that no one would accept help from us. We have become the biggest nightmares to ourselves that accepting defeat has been the best solution to most challenged people. In order to help our family and friends through their struggles, it is important that we enlighten ourselves on cognitive therapy interventions and reframe how relapse is viewed and work towards changing the views of those who need them. 

My biggest resolution of not letting anyone around me feel defeat, hit rock bottom or at least face them alone have often been countered by situations beyond my control. However, I keep trying my best to be a better friend, to listen more, to be available and present, to be supportive, to be more understanding, to be open minded, to learn, to reach out, to fall and rise, to offer hope, to be the hope, to accept help and to give the same, to love unconditionally and without reservation, to go the entire nineyards without looking back at my fears, to conquer, to celebrate and be celebrated, to take pride in my little accomplishments, to appreciate myself and others. To give hugs and let myself be wrapped up in warmth. To give kisses and accept them as they come. To have, to hold, to cherish and most of all, to accept that life is worth living. To embrace relapse and reject defeat. To live each day with contentment. To hope against hope that everything will be alright, to imagine that the odds would forever be in my favor.

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have laughed the loudest, cried the hardest. I have been thrown down and stomped on, but also  received love more than my heart can contain.  I never gave up, I stood up in hope and found my center. I hope you can too!

 

—

 

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!

Ending the Stigma Surrounding Mental Health

Posted on by andrew

Cassandra Di Lalla, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Mental health as a whole is one of those things where uncertainty is okay because mental health is a non-linear element in life and it can go in any direction, not based on wants or needs, but based on situations, feelings, events and unfortunately tragedies.

 

Mental health knows no boundaries and mental health does not discriminate. The wellness of our minds is sometimes, though more often than not, completely out of our control. We might give anything a go just because we are so desperate to keep ourselves mentally well, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way because some mental illnesses feel like big bullies and are always finding ways and reasons to attack us when we’re already feeling low. 

 

Sadly, mental health is often frowned upon, still…to this day, and we’re almost in 2023. For those who struggle with such issues, it is so complex and not just “sadness” or “anger” creeping up on us but much more than that and a lot harder to endure. We go through so many challenges in life wondering why whoever is above us is testing us like this. 

 

When people do not take the time to educate themselves or those who do not wish to learn about the constant struggles relating to mental health, it really makes us feel as though we’re total outcasts. Groups that struggle with their mental health are already marginalized enough because there are so many people in the world that turn the other way when mental health is involved or if a person with a disability is thrown into the mix (and yes, mental health does fall into that category).

 

The world’s views on mental health are completely upside down, so, I guess you can say that the world’s views are still “under construction”. 

 

Have you ever heard of people saying that we’re attention seekers, we’re manipulative, we’re psycho, we’re delusional, etc.? Yes, so have I…on several occasions. And you know what? That’s not okay. What IS okay is to not feel okay all the time. That’s perfectly normal…for any human being on the face of this earth.

 

Here are a few ways in which you can help myself and our marginalized community:

  • Accept us for the good, the bad, and the ugly (oh, and sometimes the unknown)

Yes, that statement sounds like something that would typically be in a wedding vow and that’s okay but, mental health as a whole often takes you for a ride. They’re not always joyrides and sometimes these rides will first require an entrance or admission fee to the amusement park (equivalent to accepting the fact that you’ve been diagnosed with a mental illness) followed by waiting in line for a ride (which is having to find professional help such as a therapist) and then once you’re on the ride, there are bumps, twists and turns, it’s shaky and it throws you in the air making you feel like the ride will fall off the tracks (and that’s the stage where you are having to deal with all of these emotions and feelings…the most challenging part of mental illness).

  • Educate yourselves and practice patience

Imagine how we feel dealing with this everyday. Now, if you’re having a hard time understanding something or you’re unsure about a term used – please educate yourselves, ask questions, show compassion. Please have patience when it comes to learning and have patience with us as we try our hardest to navigate and explain our struggles freely though at times we find it easier to have things left unsaid or other times we wish that things were just left unread. There are moments when we feel as though it is less complicated if others didn’t know; however, we understand that our actions or our way of thinking would probably make much more sense if we took the time to share our story because then people would also truly see why we behave a certain way or why sometimes our bad days seem everlasting and our good days are so minimal. Patience should undeniably be a two-way street in this instance.

  • Don’t fight us, tell us to calm down, or say things like “Get over it”

We are not trying to be hostile. We are not trying to instill fear in you. We are not trying to inflict emotional damage on you by unknowingly playing the guessing game. We are up and down with our emotions. We are unsure and sometimes uncomfortable. If we become agitated, angry, sad, scared, or anything in between – please do not fight us and tell us that it’s all in our head, that we need to calm down, and that we’ll “get over it”. Try the following instead: “We’ll be okay. We’ll figure things out. We’ll talk about it if and when you feel comfortable. We’ll explore healing. We’ll find our zen.” By using a positive and non-invasive approach, you are reassuring the individual that they’re in a safe and non-judgemental environment where they can seek help if they decide that’s the next step they want and need to take. Remember, it already takes heaps of courage for us to confront our demons and to accept the fact that these demons made an unwelcome visit because they’re confident that we’re the perfect person to fall victim to their wrongdoings. They knock at our doors at ungodly hours of the day, entering our life for a surprise stay…a couple hours, some days, a few months…my gosh, they’ve even extended their stay for as long as they feel suitable or until they find their new scapegoat.

  • Be an advocate, spread awareness, fundraise/campaign

I mean, we’re just stating the obvious. But, you’d be surprised at how little mental health is actually talked about in this day and age – how nobody really wants to shed light on the wellness of your mind. Many workplaces still have the audacity to raise an eyebrow when we ask for a day off as a result of mental health. It’s quite sickening that having a single day to rest and recuperate psychologically is a problem to most employers/businesses. I’m not only tired but I am exhausted and sometimes I just don’t have the strength, willpower, or interest to wake up the next day and just be…just live. We have every right as an employee and as a human being to take a break. The need for “me” time and self-care. We have the right to put our health first. We have the right to be accommodated. We have the right to feel lost in our thoughts and feelings, and we definitely have the right to be heard on a universal level. So, SPEAK LOUDER and don’t ever be afraid to OPEN UP. Employers do not have the right to brush you under the rug or terminate you due to mental illness. Other human beings do not have the right to judge you based on your struggles. 

 

You can be our voice if we sometimes fall short of our own expectations (or society’s expectations for that matter) and you can also be our voice when we feel we have no voice left from the constant rejection or redirection from others. You can be the support system that lacks in some places whether that be a corporate office, a retail store, an uncomfortable setting, etc. You can post/share mental health initiatives or even fundraise. There’s always a way to help even if you are only one person, because that’s one more lifeline than what we had before…one more person who can save a life, and one more person who can end the stigma. We can’t reverse the stigma or go back in time but we can lend our ears to listen, offer a shoulder to cry on, be static when our emotions are dynamic, and be the calm after the storm. 

 

Honestly, the list of ways to help is exhaustive. There’s always a way for people to be a place of comfort for those struggling with their mental health. I am human and I am your equal. Nothing more, nothing less. Please be kind and don’t take for granted another beating heart. By saving them, you may have also been saved.

 

—

 

Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create.

Inspiring Hope in Recovery

Posted on by andrew

Elizaveta Garifullina, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Can we influence the recovery process? Undoubtedly, we can. Our faith and our thoughts can worsen our health or improve it.

 

Many diseases can appear because of our psychosomatics. Many people believe that diseases are a factor in us doing something wrong. It may seem complicated, but the great thing is that we can also positively impact our health. If we have strong faith in our recovery, we can accelerate the process of healing. 

 

Just imagine one person constantly saying that he will never be rich in his life, and the second person is sure that his fortune will be abundant and he will build his own profitable business. Who will be more successful? The answer comes to mind almost immediately, of course, the second person, because the first one sabotages his success. 

 

It is the same with health. Two people may have the same health condition. They are given the same medications; they follow the same routine. But the first person is sure that his health is too bad and he will not recover, and the second not only believes and hopes but also knows that he will recover. This person has decided that he will recover; he has no doubts or anxiety. Anxiety will only worsen your health; it never helps anything.

 

I want to give an example of the story “The Last Leaf” by the excellent writer William Sydney Porter, known to the world under the pseudonym O. Henry. Two girls settled in an apartment, organizing a tiny painting studio there. One of the girls is seriously ill; she was diagnosed with pneumonia. The doctor fears for the girl’s life as Jonesy prepares to die. She decided that as soon as the last leaf fell from the ivy outside the window, the final minute of her life would come.

 

A strong wind with rain and snow rages outside all night, mercilessly tearing the leaves from the old ivy, which means that the girl does not have long to live. When Jonesy asks her friend to open the curtains in the morning, she sees that a yellow-green leaf is still holding on to the ivy stalk. And on the second and the third day, it still holds on and does not want to fly away.

 

Then Jonesy finds hope, believing it is too early for her to die because such a small leaf was kept there, despite the strong wind. So she can handle it. The doctor then tells the girl that the disease has receded and Jonesy’s health was on the mend. Only later do we find out that this leaf was painted by an old artist who sacrificed his life and went out at night in such weather to save the girl by painting his masterpiece. 

 

Sometimes all the pills in the world are powerless if a person is sure that the disease is more potent than him. But if a person has hope and faith, medicines will be a thousand times more effective. 

 

Faith, confidence, and calmness are reflected in our brain activity, which leads to a healthy mind and, as a result, a healthy body. A healthy brain performs many critical mental functions simultaneously, producing a large number of waves of brain activity of different frequencies reflecting these functions.

 

With today’s stressful lifestyle, we often show increased beta activity. Many are looking for ways to produce alpha waves – peaceful existence and relaxation to overcome this negativity. When we raise our alpha and theta (including mu) activity through constructive processes – meditations, exercises, through audio-visual stimulation, we achieve changes in the state of consciousness or “alpha activity.” We must learn how to produce alpha waves on a daily basis through meditation or other tools.

 

When the frequency of brain waves slows down, we plunge into the depths of the subconscious. The higher the frequency of brain waves, the more active the consciousness and the more attention we pay to the outside world, which is not always a good thing.

 

Remember that our mind can be a cure.

 

—

Leave your thoughts for Elizaveta in the comments below — better yet, start up a dialogue with the Low Entropy community in person at a Conscious Connections meeting or online at our community site. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

Mental Health & My Son

Posted on by andrew

Neema Ejercito (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I hate my mother’s heart sometimes. I think I complained about this to my husband when our boys were both toddlers. When I had just been freed from breast-feeding, upgraded to a stroller that doubled as a shopping-bag hanger, and had them bring their own mascot-brand bags complete with water bottle, snack, wipes, pull-ups, and a change of shirt. I told my husband how unfair it was that we fell in love with our boys in spite of being peed, pooped, and barfed on. The sleepless nights, the painstaking balance between taking the high road vs. meltdowns, and then the reward of it all is that they can leave us and function as independent adults?!

 

Although I have somehow shared this sentiment with my boys, I have also always ended with the fact that I would not have it any other way and that I would do anything I can for them. I am very fortunate that my boys, now in their teens, talk to me candidly about their friendships and fears. Lately, I’ve noticed that even after they’ve told me something that bothers them, even if they’re okay after having done so, the sadness, disappointment, worry, whatever it is, stays with me. And I just have to have my own thing to get through what they’ve just shared. I’m thankful I have that in my husband.

 

Today, we allowed our son to take a mental health break. What started off as a regular school day started to feel peculiar when he kept lingering around me and my husband and hugging us over and over again. I finally asked him what was up, and he shared that the bombing of Ukraine really shook him (sorry for the pun). I had told him before about a comedian who talked about how adults and kids are living in reverse now. When this comedian asked his adult friends how they were doing, they talked about video games they played or movies they’d seen. But when he asked the same of his teen nieces and nephews, they talked about politics or climate change.

 

Just like this comedian, I was worried for our teens and for mine even more particularly. My gut reaction to comfort my son was to tell him to play video games but he had already been playing a lot of them. Instead, I tried to tell him that the best way that he could help in the situation was to actually make the most of what he had, to go to school, do his best, etc. I told him that right now, a teen his age in Ukraine would be wishing he were anywhere else but there and that all he had to think about was the boredom of school.

 

I asked him if staying home would help, and he said it just didn’t seem fair that he would get to stay home on top of what was happening. I told him that Daddy had done the same for me when I was down to the point of paralysis, and that we would do the same for him. At that point, he relented and went up to his room for a bit.

 

The thought that I had two other kids to get to school kept me from completely breaking down, but as I loaded up the dishes into the dishwasher, I could feel the hot tears about to burst. It was a good thing my eyes caught my other son’s sandwich still in the toaster oven. He might forget to bring it to school again. I reminded him about it, and thankfully, he cracked a joke.

 

So today, just as my husband has done for me countless times before, we are taking my son out on a mental health date. I am so, so happy he came to me, and that we can still do something about it with him. I feel for teens similar to him, who are overwhelmed by the world that we teach them to be positive about, even though we’ve made such a sh*t pile of a mess.

 

I really don’t have any answers for my son. I don’t even have any for myself! All I know right now is, I’m here for him.

 

—

Neema Ejercito is a professional writer, director, and creative writing mentor. Her 3D edutainment series for beginning readers, AlphaBesties, is showing in YouTube Japan and Prairie Kids. When she’s not writing or mentoring, she manages her household with her very supportive husband and three children.

Pushing Past Procrastination

Posted on by andrew

Pamela Musoke (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

You lack self-confidence.

 

That’s a loaded observation. How does it make you feel when you say it? Or when someone else says it?

 

For some, admitting it is a way of hiding, using it as an excuse to maintain the status quo. It is where we would rather be, and maybe that’s enough for now. We all have our seasons.

 

Other times, it’s viewed, at first, as this massive chasm between where we are and where we desire to be, which is both scary and daunting. But eventually we find ourselves gravitating towards wanting, and soon, a call to action! Our wants trump our fears! Well, truthfully, it often ends up being more of an ebb and flow between the two states. I say this because we also hesitate as we become acutely aware of every single flaw we think may bring about failure and impact how we progress.

 

The trick is distancing yourself enough to recognize these are self-limiting views, brought on by past experiences that have, sometimes, injured the way we value ourselves. This may be one of the most aggravating, yet self-loving acts of compassion we can perform. It is a place to start, creating a road map we can follow, sometimes with the help of a mental health professional. We follow the clues to get to the seed of thought that has created enough self-doubt to paralyze us into inaction or move us to seek distractions.

 

Procrastination is one such distraction we are all familiar with. I will use myself as an example, because I tend to procrastinate when I face something hard or unfamiliar.

 

I used to think my procrastination equaled laziness. I would beat myself up for leaving tasks or projects to the last moment, usually to my detriment. But I got wiser. I began to notice my feelings when I felt unsure, and my instinct to delay. The fear of failure was so strong, I needed the pressure of time to overcome and act.

 

Exploring this through extensive journaling and help from people I trusted helped me realize that my need for perfectionism wouldn’t allow me to start. It wasn’t seen as an opportunity to learn and grow, but rather a threat — a mark of shame that could otherwise blemish my perfect(ish) record with failure. At this stage, I would be living in my own personal hell, and by the words of Dante Alighieri, abandon all hope and move on to something else that validated me.

 

And when I failed, I would rationalize my failures, which turned into rationalizing what I just rationalized, creating a vicious cycle of endless rationalizing. And as you can imagine, I would whip myself into a crazed frenzy — overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, believing I lacked the talent to excel. Such memories were hard to overcome and quickly ingrained, shaking confidence and impacting how I faced future challenges. 

 

But I turned it around, taking back some control. Procrastination has become my warning sign to pause and reflect on why I feel uneasy or uncomfortable about a course of action. And this is where step one comes into play . . .

 

I sit with my feelings for a while, trying to understand and eventually label them or describe them, being brutally honest and open about myself and my reactions. Admitting our truth can be eye-opening. 

 

For me, step two is not about slaying any dragon, but inviting it to tea. I start a friendly conversation with “Sir Lack of Self-Confidence” until I find myself thinking about recurring themes. I usually prefer to freewrite, a technique I learned from reading The Artist’s Way that helps you get out of your own way to get to the heart of the matter. It is a process I practice daily, to start the day with a positive mindset. The act itself is very freeing and cathartic, and I find solutions to challenges that initially had me in knots! 

 

Step three is all about processing. I find the underlying issue is usually my irrational fear of failing. I remind myself that I can’t fail something that hasn’t started. This helps me slow my thinking enough to recognize that these feelings are indicators of something that is missing, be it skill or knowledge. I find that once I start seeing through the trees, I get excited because I have found the inklings of a way in.

 

Step four and I am feeling better-prepared to take on the challenge. I hack complex projects into tiny, manageable actions. They start very simply, with actions that take no more than a few minutes to complete. It feels significantly less daunting and empowering. Encouraged to build momentum, I patiently work through tough entanglements, feeling more confident that I can achieve the intended goal.

 

Mind you, this can sometimes be a very slow process. I am learning to be kind to myself, choosing, instead, to celebrate that I am taking action instead of hiding.

 

I end this entry by emphasizing how becoming aware of self-limiting thoughts is a gift given to you, allowing you to dive deeper and learn about your inner world, and how you can help yourself blossom like a lotus flower. 

 

If you were to sit down with “Sir Lack of Self-Confidence,” or any other self-limiting thought, and have a friendly conversation over a nice cup of your favorite beverage, what would that conversation shed light on that you could act on today?

 

—

 

Pamela has a public health background. She enjoys reading, creative writing, and watching psychological thrillers and mysteries with the occasional comedy.

My Four Anchors

Posted on by andrew

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

On the 29th of June 2020 I made a promise, and it was that I was going to live for my family, if not for myself. It was a conscious decision that I made entirely on my own when I hit rock bottom for the 30th time. I thought that I would use them as a beacon to drive me forward when hope in myself was scarce. I understand that saying my family is a replacement for hope is kind of cheesy, but in my case it is the truth. As such, there are four people in my life who keep me anchored to the ground in times when I want to fly away. 

 

The first is my mom. She is the one who gave me life, after all. She is the reason I understand the concept of unconditional love, because she has watched her own flesh and blood fall into the lowest form of despair countless times and she has stuck by me, even at possible detriment to her own well-being. My mind can’t begin to process what it must be like for a mother to watch the child she brought into this world, through no fault of her own, want to disappear off the face of it just because her little girl doesn’t believe she is worth it. I want to take this moment to thank my mother for her unwavering strength and her support, as I haven’t made it easy for her. I also want to thank her for taking me to countless physiotherapy and counseling appointments and staying by my side during the hospital stays. But most of all, I want to thank you for seeing me and doing everything you can to understand my mental health in the times when your hugs couldn’t comfort me. 

 

The second is my father, who sadly lost his battle to cancer in 2014, and like my mother, was a big believer in staying strong amidst a whole lot of obstacles. There was a saying he used to repeat to me when I would get insecure about my handicap: “Left side, strong side.” This basically meant that I was strong enough to overcome anything life could throw my way. Naturally, I can become upset thinking about the important milestones he missed and will continue to miss, but on the other hand, it is because my father lived his life to the fullest despite being taken from us way before his time that I have to attempt to live for him. I can’t say for sure that I will live as honestly and courageously as he did because I am not my father, however I can honor his memory by being who I am and spending time with the loved ones he left behind.

 

The third is my twin sister, because she is my laughter in the silence. She is always there to cheer me up when I feel low, and I know no matter what happens I can always count on her. She was the one who stopped taking a test and chased after me when I left school crying my eyes out. Even in the times when we are apart, all I have to do is call or text her and she will be there, whether it’s in person or not. We may go through our own challenges in life, but I know she loves me and she knows I love her, because I’m a weirdo and tell her all the time. All I could ever ask of her is to never change, because she is exactly what I need; I couldn’t ask for a better version of me. 

 

The last is my brother, and to me he is the embodiment of the drive you can have when you put your heart into something. The way he strives for goals and results is inspiring! We may not agree on everything, but I know deep down he has my best interests at heart, so thank you for pushing me harder when I push back.

 

To sum it up, I wouldn’t be here without my family, and I don’t know how I could ever begin to repay them, but hopefully this is a start.

 

P.S. To Buddy, my fluffy puppy, I didn’t forget about you. Thank you for never leaving me alone for a second and showering me with love! 

 

—

My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am an English major and aspiring author hoping to bring more positive awareness to disabilities and mental health.

Self-acceptance and the Legend of Narcissus

Posted on by andrew

Susan Turi (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

O’ glass-eyed pond off the wild beaten track, 

from where clouds abscond on days overcast 

along furrowed path, carved stone-cold black 

wherein hoof and foot print in iron cast- 

like a coin you lie forgotten yet bright 

dropped by a God out his pocket of tweed, 

smothered by heather and rimm’d in twilight 

stumbling upon you in moments of need. 

Tho’ rains have stayed and left like a rude guest 

gouging deeper your fossil-d peat-grave, 

mud-eyed, and still’d in cosmic reflect, 

I kneel at the orbits of heaven’s gaze; 

for even in doubt and lost opportunes 

the glass-eyed pond shall reveal my fortunes. 

 

~S.T 

 

The legend of Narcissus is a well-known Greek myth that many are familiar with. Narcissus, the handsome son of a river god and a nymph, allegedly spurned the advances of the goddess Echo, and came across a lake or a pond while out hunting. Upon catching his own reflection in it, he falls in love with himself. Doomed until death to never love anyone but himself, a daffodil blooming on the edges of the pond where he once stood is a reminder of this curse.

 

But wait a minute. Why a beautiful daffodil — a joyful reminder of summer on its way — and not a weed? And how did Narcissus come across this pond in his wanderings? Gazing into the mirrored pond, did he not also admire the vast sky filled with swallows reflected behind his silhouetted form, or the bulrushes shivering at the pond’s edge? This is one of the reasons I find this legend fascinating, as there are so many questions about how and why Narcissus came to this pond and what happened after he stared at his own reflection. One thing is certain though, the legend of Narcissus is a lesson about the relationship, or lack thereof, with one’s inner self, and accepting who one really is. By falling in love with his reflected image, Narcissus was doomed to negate the unique myriad textures and hues within himself, which exist at the core of everyone and are explored and tested through our interpersonal relationships. 

 

It’s true that we all have our narcissistic tendencies, to varying degrees. This was encouraged, as it is today, in ancient Greece, with pressure to conform to stereotypical standards of status and beauty. Yet believing that who we see reflected back at us via a mirror — or society — is all that we are is what the legend of Narcissus warns us about. Focusing on cultivating a facade acceptable to society in denial of one’s own unique qualities can only lead to long-term disillusionment, as one’s facade also encompasses popular tastes in fashion, career choices and goals, and one’s own ambition and extroversion.

 

Knowing who you are as a person is integral to your mental health and self-acceptance. One’s first steps towards self-knowledge is universal — seeing ourselves reflected in our mother’s eyes. We feel acknowledged and realise our importance. She is the pond to our Narcissus. But as we mature, we develop awareness of others beyond our reflection. We understand that the pond has not been created in the forest for us, but for the deer to drink from, for the fish and frogs to make their home therein. We learn that during dry spells the pond may recede, and that during wet weather it may breach its rim and flood the surrounding meadow. Once we have realized that we have no control over nature’s instincts to evolve, we realize that change happens to us, whether we want it or not. To remain in this limbo state, in the first stage of development — like Narcissus did — to fall in love with one’s own reflection, is a refusal of a natural tendency to grow into ourselves and discover our complexities. A question we may ask of ourselves in difficult moments, when driven by negative emotions, is whether it is okay to stay who we are, with our self-perceived contradictions and weaknesses. But this question is dependent on whether who you are as a person — your persona — serves your inner self and is not a manufactured facade to satisfy external expectations. Which brings me back to the legend of Narcissus. 

 

A particular variation on the legend that I like is that Narcissus was led to the pond by Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, who wanted to punish him for rejecting Echo by bewitching him into falling in love with himself. I like this version, as it suggests that Narcissus was duped into being fatally attracted to himself. After a day of hunting, after all, it would have been more likely that Narcissus would have been tired, with little energy for admiring his own reflection. He may have examined his gaunt reflection in the quietude of the pond and its surroundings, and pondered upon his furrowed brow and lined face, and instead of falling in love with a shallow, idealized self, he may have contemplated the reflected cosmos and then asked of himself, “Who am I, really?” Perhaps the daffodil that grows on the banks of rivers and lakes, or at the sides of ponds, is an optimistic reminder to get to know and accept one’s true self — including one’s darker self — to be one’s own compass, resisting the urge to believe in a superficial facade, and to embrace the unique person that blooms inside every one of us. 

 

References:

https://www.britannica.com/topic/Narcissus-Greek-mythology 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology) 

 

—

 

I am a writer, illustrator and painter living in Montreal, Canada with a degree in fine arts. I began my career as a production artist for design studios and ad agencies, before deciding to devote myself  purely to self-expression through writing and painting. I am currently at Concordia University majoring in creative writing and English literature.

Twin B

Posted on by andrew

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

“What is it like being a twin?” is the question I get asked second-most often, after “What is it like being disabled while your sister is able-bodied?” Those questions are pretty loaded, so I just try to give the simplest answer I can: it’s not easy. From the moment you and your twin are brought into this world, you are labeled with the letters A and B, depending on which one of you made it out first. To most people, I am sure a simple hospital protocol like this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but I took this label to heart and wore it on my sleeve, telling myself it was my fate to be second best. Looking back on my 21 years, I see it had nothing to do with my sister and more to do with my own insecurities that couldn’t help but be fostered as I struggled with daily life as a girl with cerebral palsy.

 

Being a twin felt like being in a constant competition, but it was one where I was only playing against myself. I also want to make it clear that my sister is the most important thing in my life, and I can say that because she doesn’t hold my resentments against me. She knows that my life has extra challenges that I didn’t ask for, so instead of fighting against me in this pointless race, she takes care of me and makes me want to become the best version of myself. However, I would be lying if I said that traces of jealousy don’t still linger. How could they not? My sister said to me once, “Having a twin is like having another you roam the earth, and it’s almost like you are witnessing an alternate version of your life.”

 

We may have the same face, but that doesn’t mean everything is bound to match. It is because of our different circumstances that we were given our own personalities and interests. Thus, the things we got to experience in life were not even close to being a mirror image. For instance, when my sister got to ride her bike, I was doing my weekly physiotherapy, and in high school while she was eating lunch with her friends, I was leaving school to go to counseling for my depression and anxiety. All in all there were some really good moments and some that were really bad. I was so happy growing up with a built-in best friend to hang out with and then,when we got older, I was really sad when I could no longer tag along with her. She had made her own friends. I couldn’t just steal them away and she was doing activities that my social anxiety found challenging. 

 

In conclusion, I am still struggling with the same problems, like believing that she is better than me or that there are moments in life she will have that I feel can’t ever have, such as getting a boyfriend or driving a car. The important part is that I have learned to slowly quiet these thoughts of inadequacy, but it’s still a work in progress. I couldn’t say being a twin is hard for everyone, but I would hope that every twin learns to cherish the unbreakable bond they were blessed with, and just forget about the alphabet.

 

—

 

My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am a 21 year old English major at Capilano University with hopes of eventually writing YA novels and spreading disability and mental health awareness.

Video Gaming and Mental Health: It’s Super Effective

Posted on by andrew

Blaine Hancock (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Let’s face it – life can be pretty hard sometimes. It can be incredibly draining on your mental health to have to juggle a job, family, friends, school, errands, etc. The question is, what can we do to help lower our stress and keep our mental health in check?

 

I’m sure you know of several different strategies such as exercising, listening to your favorite songs and eating healthy foods. However, have you ever considered that playing video games may be an excellent way to lower your stress and help your mental health? Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t do the other strategies I listed (because you definitely should), but it may be wise to consider gaming as a strategy too! Here are just a handful of the positive effects video games can have on your mental health.

 

Note: This article only applies to a low-to-moderate amount of gaming. Playing video games too often may not be great for your mental health. Just like everything else in life, moderation is key!

 

Lower Anxiety (Brief Escape)

 

First and foremost, playing video games can help you escape your daily grind and lower your anxiety. Video games provide a source of fun that can often be lacking in life. They transport you to a world where you, and maybe a few friends, are able to run, jump, explore, discover and have amazing times! This brief escape into a realm of fun can help calm your mental health and may provide you with more perspective on your current life stressors.

 

Sense of Accomplishment

 

After beating a tough video game level you’ve tried to complete a dozen times, you feel a sense of accomplishment that is absolutely unrivalled. This feeling can do wonders for your positivity and confidence levels, which in turn can completely revamp your mental health. This sense of accomplishment can also come from simply completing minor tasks that help to progress you in a game. Keep completing those quests and rebuild your mental health at the same time!

 

Increase Creativity

 

One interesting positive effect of video games is their ability to spark creativity. Video games often contain incredibly creative art/visuals, music and writing. Hearing and seeing these interesting works can inspire you to add some creativity to your own life! This creativity could be as big as wanting to create your own video game, or as small as simply wanting to add a bit more color to your wardrobe. Either way, feeling more creative and passionate about something is an awesome way to combat mental health struggles.

 

Strengthen Social Connections

 

Creating new social connections or building on established ones always has a positive impact on your mental health. One way of helping to create new social connections or build on old ones is to throw some video games into the mix. Adding video games into a social setting creates a common element for everyone to talk about and have fun bonding over. Also, video games are often a casual enough activity that you all can discuss your lives/stressors while still gaming together and enjoying one another’s company. Social connections can be strengthened and your happiness will skyrocket!

 

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “What are a few video games I could play to experience some of these positive effects?” My three suggestions are Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Stardew Valley and Super Mario Party. You will have an absolute blast with these three games, and your stress levels will surely lower. Best of luck in your mental health/video game journey!

 

—

 

Leave your thoughts for Blaine in the comments below – better yet, start up a dialogue with the Low Entropy community in person, at a Conscious Connections meeting or online at our community site. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

Self-Therapy: An Introduction

Posted on by andrew

Anastasia Lee (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Therapy is expensive. Each session can cost between $60 and $250 or even more, potentially racking up thousands of dollars per patient per year. Although therapy is effective, it is not a solution for everyone, and there is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Everybody’s psychological needs differ, and sometimes professional psychological treatment isn’t enough.

 

Depression and anxiety are becoming more and more common as psychological disorders, especially after a year-long global pandemic. Mental health decline is on the rise, peaking in the past decade, and it is worsening due to debilitating economic conditions. Losing jobs, homes and assets can be traumatic, as being stripped of your necessities can force you into survival mode. The cost of living is becoming more and more expensive. Considering these major challenges and dramatic changes in the environment, it is no surprise that depression and anxiety are becoming more prevalent in our society.

 

Self-therapy, which is any healing tool that provides mental alleviation and emotional support, has the potential to become the future of mental health therapy. It focuses on the individual becoming dependent on their cognitive and support systems, instead of relying on others for therapy. It is bringing back the power to the individual and creating a solid foundation for their mental health. It is not a replacement for therapy with a trained professional, but more so a way to cope with challenging, complex circumstances when one cannot afford therapy.

 

I must re-emphasize that self-therapy is not a substitute for therapy. It is a coping mechanism. There is no professional training required for self-therapy, and therefore it is not considered an form of medical therapy.

 

What is self-therapy?

 

Self-therapy is a potentially effective practice with all kinds of benefits: processing negative thoughts and emotions; coping healthily with trauma; rediscovering unconscious, shadow aspects; reflecting on your actions, habits and behaviors; keeping track of your progress and much more. Self-therapy isn’t limited to a specific set of practices. It is formed and shaped according to the needs and desires of the individual. Self-therapy is very much like self-care; it is for the mind and heart.

 

How is it an effective tool for coping with negative thoughts and emotions?

 

Self-therapy is a channel for self-expression and conscious processing. It brings unconscious and subconscious programming to the conscious surface. It is essential for working through trauma, which is often responsible for negative thoughts and emotions. Whether through journaling, voice messages, videos or other forms of self-therapeutic expression, it is a productive and constructive coping mechanism for releasing heavily suppressed thoughts and emotions. In this way, they do not remain trapped within the psyche, where they wreak havoc on our mental and emotional well-being.

 

How do I prepare for self-therapy?

 

  1. Intention-Setting: Before diving into self-therapy, evaluating your intentions for why you believe therapy is necessary and how you will undergo the process is essential for an effective session. Every session doesn’t have to be the same, and depending on the needs of the individual, the intentions can differ as desired. This intention-setting practice can be performed in various ways: writing down purposes in a journal, repeating them aloud in front of a mirror, sharing them with a trusted friend or family member, or expressing these intentions through art and music, to name a few.

 

  1. Creating a Safe Space: Your sanctuary can be created anywhere. Whether it’s your bedroom or outside in nature, being where no distractions or problems can reach you is the best place to be. It can be by yourself or with a friend or trusted partner, and it is encouraged to have someone assist you in the process if possible. You can put on music or surround yourself with the things you love and appreciate the most in life. Build your safe space as you like, and change your environment as needed.

 

  1. Practice Vulnerability: If you’ve spent years hiding who you truly are from the world, then it’s time to open up and express yourself, finally. Use your voice to talk about your thoughts and emotions. Don’t overthink anything you’re saying. Just speak. Detach from any judgments projected on you. Take it easy on yourself and ease away from being self-critical. It is okay to have flaws and imperfections, and practicing vulnerability requires accepting these aspects of yourself. Become more comfortable listening to your voice, feeling your emotions and hearing your thoughts.

 

  1. Ask Yourself Questions: When practicing self-therapy, it’s essential to guide yourself with the right questions. It is beneficial for you also to ask yourself questions to assist you with your healing process. Write down your own questions and answers throughout each session and, if needed, go completely off track and dive deeper into what needs confrontation. Every session is meant to be for your personal needs, so do exactly what you feel is best for you.

 

  1. Acquire the Right Tools: Self-therapy is relatively cheap and easy. The essential tools needed are a journal, pen and mirror. Of course, these aren’t requirements. Self-therapy can be talked through without notes, but having a mirror may help you connect with your body, language and ways of expression. A journal and pen may be useful for writing down things you want to remember in future sessions, while also tracking your progress and seeing what you need to work on and integrate.

 

—

 

My name is Anastasia. I am 22 years old, and I am from California. Ever since I was a kid, writing has been my passion because it is a channel of self-expression. With every piece of writing, I hope to build a collected masterpiece of art to share with the world.

The Highly Personalized Art of Defending Yourself from Cannonballs

Posted on by andrew

Christina Liao (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Your emotions can overwhelm you in an instant, like a cannonball. One minute, you’re walking. The next, you’re doubling over from a wave of anxiety. One minute, you feel fine. The next, you feel like you can’t get out of bed. You can’t move, you can’t breathe. The pit in your stomach feels like it will never end. Crisis mode will start in any second. 

 

This feeling is obviously not great, but did you know that there are ways that you can prevent it? To prevent you from going past the point of no return? One way is to write your thoughts down on a piece of paper, and then just throw that paper away. Whenever you feel like your emotions start to become too much, pick up a pen and lay down a piece of paper. Then, write down everything that you’re feeling at that moment. The pen and paper are your friends, your therapists, your muses. Whatever you want to call them. Once you’re finished, put the pen down. Crumple up the paper in a tight ball, then throw it into the nearest garbage bin. Don’t even keep it so you can read it at a later time, just throw the paper out. If you try to read it, you will just give yourself more anxiety.

 

Another thing that helps me is reading. It’s a great hobby that can temporarily distract you from your own life. You can fight dragons with queens and experience a life-changing type of love, all from the comfort of your couch. If you find that your emotions are starting to take a toll, maybe you should go read a good book as a distraction. I suggest The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab and These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong, if you’re interested in fantasy. 

 

The methods that I’ve suggested may work for some, but not others. I’ve just personally found that they’re good ways to keep my own emotions in check. Please understand that it’s important to control your emotions so they don’t become overwhelming, but also know that sometimes you just can’t. Everyone has different ways of preventing crises because everyone deals with things differently. You need to find your own way of calming yourself down. Whether it’s listening to music, meditating or writing your thoughts down like I suggested, you should have a strategy to calm yourself down whenever you feel like your emotions are starting to take you over. 

 

At the end of the day, you should be the one to control your own emotions, and not let your emotions control you. You are the one who chooses how you will accomplish that. There are countless articles on how to control your emotions and countless articles that will tell you which one is the best for you. However, you’re the only one who can decide for yourself how to maintain a good mindspace. Keeping a good headspace is important, and preserving good mental health even more so.

 

Don’t let a cannonball of emotions ruin your day. Everyone gets overwhelmed; it’s a natural part of life.

—

 

My name is Christina and I am currently a student at Simon Fraser University in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. I love listening to music, reading, writing and, honestly, anything Marvel. In short, I’m a total nerd. I volunteer as a blog writer here at Low Entropy.

Reason to Roam

Posted on by andrew

Simin Ghaffari (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Administrative Assistant

 

Walking has always been a great form of exercise, and it is a great way to boost your physical and mental well-being. Walking has helped me relieve my stress and find peace during a pandemic.

 

When I was 11 years old I read a book, a Bertrand Russell biography. He was a polymath, and worked in philosophy, mathematics and logic. He walked three kilometres a day and used that time to think and create things

 

My math was very bad at school, but I thought if I started walking like him, I would be great at math. 

 

I didn’t become good at math at all, nor philosophy, but walking became my habit. When I am sad, or need to think or plan, I go for a walk and it helps me mentally and physically by allowing me to focus on the beauty of nature.

 

I walk, and the benefit of walking helps me so much. Especially during the pandemic, walking in nature helps me to stay mentally and physically active, and also helps me see more beauty in nature and the people around me, and I start taking pictures of everything. These little things make me happy in those moments, and I forget all the problems in the world and in my life

 

Now, as I am getting older with osteoarthritis in my knees, sometimes I have to beg my legs to cooperate, but walking is still joyful. 

 

Walking can help your mental health. Studies show it can help reduce anxiety, depression and negative mood. It can also boost self-esteem and reduce symptoms of social withdrawal. To experience these benefits, aim for 30 minutes of walking, three days a week.

 

***

 

I am a person who doesn’t give up easily. I stand up when things are not right, no matter what I have to lose. I am friendly, minimal and concerned about the environment. I enjoy photography, dance, music and nature. I enjoy everything, and I am eager to learn new things. – Simin Ghaffari

You Matter

Posted on by andrew

Christina Liao (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Sometimes, days become stormy and you feel worthless. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you look at the mirror in the morning. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you leave your house. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you keep your head down and can’t hear your thoughts over the noise. Everyone can feel insignificant on cloudy days, and when that’s happening it’s crucial to remember that you matter. When your brain says “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” it’s important to let your heart respond with “I matter, I matter, I matter,” even when you can’t quite bring yourself to believe it. Power through it, and there’s going to be a light on the other end of the tunnel when you get there. 

 

When you start to feel like you’re worthless or not good enough, it’s key to take a step back, reevaluate yourself and continue on with your day. On some days, it may be hard to look over the dirt and grime, but time prevails and you will eventually feel better, the harder you try. On some days, it seems as if pain becomes an endless pit. Loneliness, worthlessness and overthinking can completely consume your life. When that happens, it is important to take a break from whatever you’re doing and think about the things that make you happy. Go read a book, listen to some calming music, take a walk. Do something that makes you feel at ease. That’s always worked for me, at least. Distracting myself from thoughts about things that I know shouldn’t matter but still worry about has always been a good strategy.

 

Emotions can become overwhelming, and it’s important to find ways to distract yourself when they do. Whether it’s sitting down and watching some television or meditating, it’s important to compose your feelings and keep them in check. Overthinking is unhealthy, but when you’re stressed it becomes almost second nature to overthink. Stress and anxiety come hand-in-hand. Feeling stressed is unavoidable, but it’s important to handle it in a healthy way. Take some breaks, steady your breathing and sleep better. The stress will pass as time passes. Anxiety however, can become a problem, because if it is a constant in your day then it doesn’t go away. Different people deal with it by using different methods, and it’s important to find your own method that is catered to you. If things become really bad, maybe it’s time to find a trained professional to help you through your troubles. Therapists really help and more people are in therapy than you might think. The stigma against getting help really shouldn’t be a thing, because it’s normal to seek it when you need it.

 

Many celebrities are advocates of mental health because they have their own problems with it. Someone as successful as Taylor Swift still goes through anxiety like everyone else, and that makes her just as human as anyone else. In fact, Taylor probably has more anxiety than you and I, having to deal with a global audience assessing her appearance every second of her life. It’s important for the stigma against mental health treatment to be nullified, because everyone has their troubles and those involving mental health problems are normal. Even someone like Taylor Swift goes through them and comes out stronger when they get out the other end.

 

It’s a good strategy to know when you need help and when you’re in a good place – monitor your emotions. Keep a mood tracker handy, write a journal to keep your thoughts in check, whatever works for you is what you need to do to be aware of your mental state. Especially in the midst of this pandemic, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. When you do, remember to relax, distract yourself and just breathe. Power through it, and you’ll come out from a tough spot stronger than ever. Life is messy, and it’s okay to feel like your emotions are overloading your life. Just find healthy ways to contain them when it happens and power through the darkness.

 

***

 

My name is Christina and I am currently a student at Simon Fraser University in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. I love listening to music, reading, writing and, honestly, anything Marvel. In short, I’m a total nerd. I volunteer as a blog writer here at Low Entropy.

Wounded Child

Posted on by andrew

Ling-Yee Sze, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I personally think that I am quite experienced in feeling lonely. The feeling of loneliness was most pervasive in my teenage or adolescent years.

 

I have always enjoyed alone time. A lot of activities that I enjoy – drawing, reading, playing music, etc . . . are usually conducted independently.

 

When I was a kid, I lived with my grandparents in a small village in a southern province in China. They were quite permissive and busy with physical work. I had great fun playing by myself alone. I did not feel lonely at all; my parents’ love for me was always in the back of my mind. One of my most vivid memories from those years was sitting in the middle of a motorbike, between my grandpa at the front and my grandma at the back.

 

Then many incidents that I would now define as traumas happened after I went to Hong Kong at the age of five that created some negative emotional imprints on me. As a sensitive child, I developed a lot of negative beliefs and coping mechanisms in interacting with people, which resulted in me feeling lonely in or after social interactions.

 

A big wound I have is in my social ability. When I first met my mum at five years old, she perceived me as self-centred and lacking discipline. I do not remember what I did, but one night she beat me and dragged me to the garbage room. That is by far the biggest trauma I have around being rejected and unlovable.

 

Later, my belief of not being social enough or unlovable was reinforced when some teachers indicated that I should spend less time being an observer in group activities. On Parent’s Day, my teacher asked if I was an only child because I didn’t participate in as many peer groups as she thought I should.

 

I carried this wound of feeling socially inadequate into interacting with others. In order to manipulate people into liking me more and appear to be more engaged in groups, I tried very hard to people-please and read others’ minds, and did not dare to push any boundaries. I used this mode to interact with my peers and teachers in my primary school years, then every day after returning home I felt alive and able to be myself again, and not wear the mask of a temperless good girl. I enjoyed a very intimate, sharing, vulnerable relationship with my grandma.

 

The real challenge for me came after my grandma passed away when I was 14. Suddenly my world collapsed, and I felt the intense belief that no one really respected, accepted, loved and made me feel significant other than my grandma. Coupled with some other wounds, such as believing that I was weird, unorganized and timid, or that only outgoing girls were deserving of love, or that my sexual desires made me unlovable, my adolescent years following her death were very rough emotionally.

 

I sought validation and love in indirect ways – I tried to be perfect in every drawing I made so that my peers and teachers would praise me, I tried watching 10 hours of Korean TV series nonstop to immerse myself in the world of the main female characters and feel undivided and loyal love from the main

male characters. These ways to meet my needs for love and connection helped me to forget about the pain for some time, but they were not helping me at the root level.

 

It has only been in recent years, when I stepped into personal development and self-healing, that I began to see my loneliness in different and much more empowering ways. Love and connection is vital to every single person at every stage of life. A lot of my false beliefs about my lovableness stems from the emotional imprints created when I was small. They carried into my adulthood because my brain at the time of these traumatic events perceived interaction and being vulnerable as unsafe, as leading to rejection and shame. In order to better be prepared and protect myself from danger and future interactions, I developed coping or soothing strategies to meet my needs for connection while keeping myself safe.

 

However, when I believed people around me were dangerous and interactions were unsafe, I was not present in my interactions at all. I hid the majority of myself – my traits, my needs and my emotions. The longer the interactions were, the more exhausted and drained and lonely I would feel after. I would then go back home and numb myself by watching television or listening to songs – only when I was all alone would I feel safe to fully be myself.  In those moments I felt so lonely and hopeless and trapped and empty.

 

Now I am working to reconnect with myself – my emotions, my needs and my boundaries – to see who I really am when there is no fear of being judged or shamed, shifting from critical self-talk to a more compassionate tone and replacing self-shaming with self-acceptance. When I fully accept and see and hear and respond to myself, I feel less lonely and I feel able to communicate to other people what I am about and what I need. Even if sometimes these interactions are not satisfying, I’ve started to trust that I can set boundaries and give love and connection to myself, especially my wounded child.

 

—

 

Hi, my name is Ling-Yee Sze and I am a personal development enthusiast who began a self-help journey four years ago. Along the way, I have met many inspiring people. I hope to share my personal stories and collected learnings with you!

Your Own Personal Brat

Posted on by andrew

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Anna Bernsteiner examines the concept of anxiety through the lens of a toxic relationship with a fellow with an unfortunate name.

 

Let’s talk about everyone’s annoying little friend Anxiety. Known for various crimes. Creeping inside your brain at night, twisting and turning your thoughts so you doubt and question your entire being. Constantly trying to convince you of all the things that can go wrong and all the failures ahead. And making a sport out of reminding you of every single insecurity that has ever crossed your mind.

 

Charming fellow. 

 

I call mine Brat. ‘Cause then I can say,

“My anxiety is such a brat.” Annoying, spoiled little kid. I think that’s pretty accurate. I can’t just kick him out, so I guess I have to learn how to live with him. Maybe I should befriend him. Tell everyone about him.

But how hard is it to admit your problems to another human being? Or, even better, how hard is it to admit it to yourself? 

 

It’s not as easy as saying

Hey you, I have anxiety. It’s difficult sometimes. It occasionally takes over and feels like I can’t move or think about anything else. I feel like a failure, worthless. Stick with me, I guess? 

 

A little anxiety is normal, it’s your body trying to watch out for you, trying to protect you.

Maybe you get the shivers when thinking about a big test coming up, the first day at work or presenting in front of a big audience. 

 

Yet what if this kid grows up to be a constant disruptive abusive adult who doesn’t want to be controlled or leave you alone?

What then? 

What if it seems like life is too overwhelming for you. Nothing you do is enough or works out. Constant doubt. Constant fear. Constantly on your mind. 

 

Honestly, between you and me, I have not yet found a way to get rid of him. Kid or adult. Still living in my head rent-free. Having tantrums and trashing the place. 

So why am I even writing this, if I have absolutely no solution? 

 

Here is why. Growing up, mental health has always been a scary topic to talk about. Anxiety wasn’t a thing. A new sickness just invented. People seeking attention. Weird. You just didn’t talk about it. 

So it’s time to shine a light on the topic. Normalizing anxiety. Normalizing struggles. Normalizing fear. 

When reading this, did it sound familiar? Did you feel like you have experienced this before? 

Identifying the culprit is a great first step to taming your own personal Brat. See how anxiety is triggered. And if you know what triggers yours. You take some control back. 

 

Think about it this way. There are lots of Brats out there and their number doesn’t get smaller. The opposite. Chances are there are people in your life feeling overwhelmed and anxious too. 

And as always, sharing pain makes it feel just a little less scary. So instead of spreading Brats all around by staying silent, you can choose to share. You can choose to tell the people that care about you. You can choose to acknowledge your struggles. 

 

And say, Hey my anxiety is a brat.

 

What about yours?

 

Brat’s the worst. Nobody likes that guy. How do you deal with characters like Brat? Comment below or talk your anxiety out with an empathetic group of listeners in a Conscious Connections meeting.

The Mental Health Revolution Might Be Televised

Posted on by andrew

And now, back to our regularly scheduled mental health conversations: Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao identifies a trend in television shows exploring issues like self-love and loss.

 

In today’s media, topics such as self-worth, self-love and grief are discussed in a much more prevalent way, and externalities of these discussions tend to be very positive. With the media educating people on these subjects, consumers are more educated and aware of them. CW shows such as The Vampire Diaries and The 100, or Marvel’s WandaVision, all include these discussion points throughout the course of their shows. Many of the characters showcased have inner conflicts related to these subjects, and are written in a way that makes viewers understand them on a personal level.

 

Clarke Griffin, one of the protagonists of The 100, battles self-worth in a way that really makes us see the person beneath all the armour. She would go to many lengths to protect her people, even by dooming the entirety of another population. After having been branded the title of “Commander of Death,” she consistently wonders if she is a “good” person or a “bad” one, even though it is because of her actions that everyone she loves is alive. One idea that the show often touches on is that maybe there are no bad guys. Nobody is born a bad person, but everyone has done things we regret. That by no means makes somebody a bad person, but even someone who’s inherently good has done bad deeds. Whether it’s lying to a friend or not talking to their parents more before they died, everyone has experiences that they wish they could take back. However, this does not make them terrible people, or less worthy of love. Clarke battles this throughout the show’s seven seasons after having to constantly sacrifice things to survive and save the ones that she loves.

 

A show that explores self-love through the eyes of a character is CW’s The Vampire Diaries. A character that has battles of whether he’s worthy of love is Damon Salvatore, who’s one-half of the Salvatore brothers. He says that he wants to be known as the “bad brother” so he isn’t expected to be good. Being a good person can be hard sometimes; it gets exhausting. Everyone has times where they want to be selfish. Because of this, Damon wonders if he’s worthy of love. He knows he’s selfish, but he would still do anything for the love of his life. Through Damon we understand that everybody is worthy of love, especially someone who’s ready to give up everything to save others. Just because someone thinks they’re a bad person does not mean they’re not worthy of love. In fact, if someone is aware that they’re not “good,” that realization usually indicates a goodness within. Nobody is born a bad person, everyone has light and dark inside of them.

 

In Marvel’s 2021 show WandaVision, grief and its five stages is one of the main themes. Wanda Maximoff battles grief after losing her beloved Vision in Avengers: Infinity War. Her life in WandaVision is a whirlwind of grief, and leads to her accepting her loss and becoming very powerful. Discussing topics like this sheds the light on very real emotions that people feel when they lose a loved one. Marvel has released many limited series shows in 2021, and they all talk about important topics. With the large platform that Marvel has, these stories can go a long way toward educating people about the subjects they need to understand in order to accept others who are dealing with tough times.

 

Having shows that reach a large audience discuss these topics is an improvement upon society because it brings light to important issues. It educates the people that consume said content and creates material for discussion. Only with discussion can a society become more empathetic, educated and kind. These kinds of mainstream conversations are an important step to a world that is more accepting, and therefore loving. 

What TV shows have had a positive influence on you? Let us know in the comments below or on our community site so we can all binge watch some quality content!

Turning To-Do into Done

Posted on by andrew

 

 

It’s analysis paralysis – if you’re all about ideas, overthinking can create a logjam that stalls your best intentions, leading to burnout. Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Emma Norton explores how we can process those ruminating thoughts in healthy ways, to get you back up and running.

 

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Our modern society is all about goal-oriented hustling to achieve some sense of status. Confronted with overwhelming pressures – whether external or self-imposed – we create an unhealthy dynamic for ourselves. 

 

Regardless of how you experience burnout or where it is derived from, you can trace its roots back to your neural wiring. How do you handle stress, and what triggers it for you? 

 

In my experience, I have always been a highly creative person: I generate ideas. I also, as a positive, can be organized and complete tasks. But I often felt overwhelmed, taking on duties that weighed me down simply because I was capable. Working on multiple projects at once or being a support for others going through hard times, I got used to going through a burnout cycle. Recently, as I have been working to streamline my life in many ways, I acknowledged that the stress I was feeling came from a key factor: I have often had a hard time turning thoughts into action.

 

Why? I’m all about the ideas. I can connect things and find the reasoning in most scenarios well beyond anyone else. If you spark my creativity, I can come up with a multitude of magical concepts for you. But in the excitement, my to-do list builds up so quickly that I ruminate on its items instead of crossing them off.  

 

I experience burnout because I have the inspiration to do all these great things, but the overwhelm comes from thinking I have to do everything independently. As an independent worker, I feel like I have to do everything myself. This comes from a mistrust in others built up over the years, as well as a lack of boundaries when it comes to taking more on than necessary. Burnout from both control issues and people-pleasing often comes from the same source: thinking there is something to prove. It comes from the worry of letting others down or being pressured to perform beyond your current capacity. I can look back to these experiences as great lessons that helped me level up and prove myself. But the real lesson was that my opinion was the only one that truly mattered in the end. 

 

I have been reviewing the idea of turning thoughts into action as I have realized the mental stress that I impose upon myself instead of chipping away at that to-do list. Here are some tools I have been implementing with great success lately:

 

Join a Networking Group

This is not just for professionals: if you are a new parent who is feeling burnt out or a student feeling overwhelmed, there are community-minded groups to participate in. Find something relatable to your scenario. Just talking with others helps, as does being open to their perspectives. It can also help you realize you are not alone, and from a professional standpoint, you may very well find others with whom you can collaborate.

 

Exercise

I often exercise to the point of burnout, but I also manage the other stressors in my life during these sessions. When running, for example, I can take a lot of those ideas swirling around in my head and give them (literal) legs. Taking this time to connect my mind and body helps me refocus and get out of my head. I always prioritize exercise within my schedule because it is such a valuable outlet for me and my pent-up energy.

 

Have Your Non-Negotiables

Depending on whether you are a disciplined, routine-oriented person or a free-flowing, take-life-as-it-comes kind of person (I fall somewhere in the middle), have your non-negotiables. Taking a break from the ruminating thoughts and redirecting your focus to a non-negotiable activity or practice for some time (even if it is a planned time in your schedule) is crucial.

 

Pick three non-negotiables you have to incorporate into your day/week/month. These are your actions. These are the movements that you can use to ground your thoughts. For me, it’s running, painting and giving myself manicure/pedicures. The latter also conveniently supports the first two! As you can see, my list includes physical activity, creativity and self-care, all of which I can redirect my thoughts into. Try this for yourself!

 

What are your three non-negotiables? Is your favourite one “reading the Low Entropy blog?” Sure it is! Let us know your other two in the comments below or on any of our social media channels!

The Importance of Trying, in Trying Times

Posted on by andrew

We could resign ourselves to the dreadfulness of the pandemic, and allow ourselves to deteriorate along with the general state of the world. Indeed, many of us have. Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Joana Baker, however, is having none of that: with five simple steps and a ton of compassion, Joana gives us an injection of optimism to channel into our self-care practices, for everybody’s benefit.

 

A report on mental health data from the COVID-19 pandemic showed a worrying trend. COVID-19’s adverse effects have led to the deterioration of mental health among a large segment of the population. Findings from the US Census Bureau show that more than 42% of Americans reported symptoms of anxiety or depression in December of last year. That’s a huge increase compared to the 11% who reported the same symptoms in the year prior.

 

Amid so many tragedies, it can be difficult to tend to your well-being. But that is precisely why you should do so in the first place. You owe it to yourself to care for yourself. Here are five simple ways you can do just that:

 

Eat Right and Get Enough Hours of Sleep

 

Health is a crucial part of your well-being, so don’t neglect it. Get enough hours of good-quality sleep to help you recharge and face each day. Also, make sure to eat enough nutritious food, even if you don’t feel like it. Nourishing your body is the first step to taking better care of yourself, so make it a habit! Try meal planning if you’re having trouble with sticking to a healthy diet, or if you’re pressed for time during the week. Because when your body is healthy, it’s easier for you to go about your day.

 

Keep an Eye on Your Posture

 

Posture is another thing that can greatly affect your overall health. Proper posture improves spine health, supports your muscles and keeps your blood vessels healthy. Plus, correct posture makes you less likely to suffer from back or neck pain. Fortunately for you, there are plenty of things you can do to improve your posture.

 

One option is to purchase a standing desk. This article on standing desks shares how it can lessen the user’s back pain. Sitting for too long can hurt your back and your posture, so having the option to stand up while doing work is sure to help. You can also get lumbar supports. This review of the best lumbar supports states that the use of these tools can improve your circulation and seated posture. Lumbar supports redistribute pressure and encourage you to sit properly. And once you’ve made that a habit, you’re more likely to carry yourself with a natural, healthy posture. Goodbye, back pain!

 

Get Invested in a Hobby

 

Let’s talk about leisure activities. Now that you have a little more time on your hands, it’s a great opportunity to get into a hobby. This can be anything that you enjoy — gaming, painting or writing, among plenty of other choices. Just be sure to pick an activity that you have fun doing. This feature on making time for hobbies highlights the importance of scheduling it into your day, even if it’s only for a few hours a week. It’s a powerful way to recharge and make time for yourself. Setting a goal for that hobby helps too. For instance, if you’re getting back into reading, try to read a certain number of books per month. This will motivate you to read more!

 

Stay in Touch with Loved Ones

 

Social connection can do wonders when you’re cooped up in your home for so long. Positive social interactions can greatly improve one’s mental and physical well-being, so it’s worth scheduling some video calls with friends and family. Ask them how they are and if they’ve been keeping safe. They’re sure to appreciate the gesture! To make sessions more interesting, you can even host a game night or a movie marathon with your loved ones.

 

Love Yourself

 

Finally, you need to remember to love yourself. Yes, the world is in a really scary state, but that isn’t an excuse to let yourself go. In another one of our blog posts, we talk about the importance of loving oneself despite the challenges that come with it. We could all benefit from allowing ourselves to love ourselves. It ensures that we care for our bodies the right way and gives us a more optimistic outlook on ourselves. So, loving yourself is essential, especially in such difficult times.

 

How are you taking care of yourself during these challenging times? Give us some tips in the comments below, or share them with supportive peers at a Conscious Connections meeting!

Pretty Young

Posted on by andrew

Please note that this article examines suicide and suicidal ideation.

 

“That’s high,” I think, staring down onto the slowly moving waves. Hands clenched around the orange-red railing. 

What color even is this bridge? Orange or red? I don’t know. I don’t need to know now. Complete stillness. It seems like time stopped entirely, or at least it has for me. 

Water. 

Cold. 

Death. 

Do I actually want to?

No other way-

“HEY.”

Like a bullet piercing through glass, his voice stops my rushing thoughts. “Hey, what are you doing?”

He is surprisingly calm. It makes me feel calm. Or does it? I don’t respond. 

“What’s your name?”

It’s like my body wants to save me and before I can stop I hear words pouring out of my mouth.

“Okay.” He pauses. “You know how cold that water is, right?” 

“No.” I’m not sure he even heard me. 

“Probably 50, 53 degrees.” Like I can actually feel it, goosebumps start covering my body. Leave. 

Not your life. 

Mine. 

No other way. 

Do it.

No don’t.

Stop.

There is no chance to finish a single thought, constantly interrupted by his voice behind me. So close. It’s not the right timing. There is no other way.

“I don’t know you but you seem pretty young to give up on life now.”

You don’t know, I want to say but am interrupted by a sudden familiar sound. I hear my mother’s voice as if she was standing right next to me. I turn my head.

“If you give me your hand I can help you get back up. It’s not too late. There is always hope. There is always a way.”

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

My thoughts are screaming.

A way. He says there is a way. 

There is just one thing. I’m standing on the edge. On the edge of this bridge which isn’t even golden. Just a rusty dull orange. 

And I’m seconds away from living or dying. 

 

The Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular suicide site in the United States, which has one of the highest suicide rates among wealthy countries. Having spent a lot of time in San Francisco, I used to cross the Bridge regularly, wondering about people who see no other way in life than suicide. How can you help if you don’t know what is going on in someone else’s mind?

 

I came across the story of a young man trying to take his life at the Golden Gate Bridge. An officer rescued him by convincing him to climb back up. The reason the young man decided to live is because the officer actually listened to him. 

 

I have heard stories about people dying by suicide who didn’t seem depressed or unhappy. No one really knows what’s going on inside someone else. Mental health issues like depression and anxiety are an ever-growing problem in our society and can affect anyone.

 

Especially in this isolating time, check-in with your loved ones and make sure they are okay.

 

Mental health issues don’t make you weak or a bad person.

Ask for help. 

You are not alone. 

 

Canada:

 

Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566

 

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: 1-800-463-2338

 

Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645

 

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

 

United States: 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

 

Disaster Distress Hotline: 1-800-985-5990

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

There and Back Again: On the Road to Change

Posted on by andrew

Andrew Woods, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Please note that this article contains brief references to substance use.

 

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett

 

From the day-in, day-out perspective, it’s difficult to discern where and when change occurs. Can there possibly be such a thing as change, as we maneuver through the minutiae of our daily lives?

 

Between grocery shopping, our studies, our household chores, our jobs, our family duties … between paying bills and scrolling through politically motivated Facebook memes … where does “change” fit in?

 

And yet, I look back 10 years (or more) and it becomes overwhelmingly obvious that so much has changed. It becomes almost alarming to observe the changes that I’ve undergone. 

 

I was what the nurses called “a frequent flyer.” I wasn’t the only one who had earned that honour, though. Many of “us” had become accustomed to cycling in and out of those hospital wards. I spent Christmases and birthdays there, walking aimlessly up and down the halls, staring blankly out the locked windows overlooking the grounds, chain smoking cigarettes out front with the other patients.

 

After every hospital discharge, I’d keep to the straight and narrow for a couple months, but I’d always find myself back where I started – flushing my prescribed meds and looking to score my drugs of choice.

 

And then I’d end up right back on the ward. 

 

That was my life, in a nutshell, for a good 10 years or so. And oddly enough, I was comfortable with it. After all, I had discovered an identity in that lifestyle. I had taken on various labels: bipolar, mentally ill, obsessive-compulsive, drug seeker, troubled youth … and I began to wear those labels with a sense of misaligned pride. I was caught in a landslide, grasping for anything that would yield some stability. And as a young adult, having a sense of identity offered a bit of steadiness, even when everything else was precariously unbalanced. Predictably, the more I attached to that sense of self, however distorted it was, the more complete I felt. 

 

I was told, early on in my recovery, that change is the only constant in life. Everything else is impermanent and variable … our jobs, our homes, our friends, our family … it’s all either coming or going. But what can absolutely be guaranteed is our own personal evolution. 

The unfortunate reality is, change is difficult. And often we put up a lot of resistance to it. 

Some of us, like myself, have had to hit rock bottom before deciding to embrace change.

 

I had to do something … different.

 

I didn’t really see any other alternative … I didn’t want to risk uncovering what was beneath rock bottom.

 

I went all in. Change or no change.

 

Exercise.

Diet.

Meditation.

Breathwork.

Social supports.

Therapy.

 

Taking on the challenge of modifying my every conditioned thought and behaviour was no easy task. In fact, it was an impossible task. I didn’t realize that true change would need to come from within, that it was a slow, painful process, and that I was in it for the long haul. Maybe that’s why change is so very difficult for us – because the journey to lasting change follows a steep and rocky road, and everyone falls down along the way. 

 

I certainly admit to falling down along this journey. Not just once … but many times I’ve fallen.  And perhaps in falling down I learned life’s most valuable lesson – always get back up.

 

Nowadays, my sense of identity has expanded beyond what I could’ve previously imagined. Not in an egoic, full-of-myself kind of way. But in a way that is conducive to healing, and living a better, more fulfilling life. There have been many lessons learned over the past several years, and admittedly … I learned some of those the hard way.

 

I emphasize, however, that embracing self-growth, and the journey along our own self-evolution … it isn’t some kind of chore like doing the dishes or folding laundry.

 

No, witnessing the myriad of ways in which we, as individuals, flourish through all of life’s challenges is by far the most rewarding experience available to us.

 

In fact, that is why we’re here.

 

That’s it.

 

To evolve, to grow, to nurture and thrive.

 

And it isn’t about moving from point A to point B, as if life is a roadmap with a destination marked in red ink.

 

Instead, I think our journeys through life often lead us right back to where we started, to a world that is strangely familiar, and relatively unchanged.

 

And we realize that it was never about changing the world.

 

It was about changing ourselves.