Tag: lifechanges

Like Onions and the Moon

Posted on by andrew

Armed with an arsenal of metaphors, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Nicole Riglietti waxes poetic on the nature of change and how essential it is to the human experience.

 

Change is a constant in our lives. As the moon moves through its monthly phases, so do humans; it’s inevitable. We struggle, we strive, we fail and we survive. We rely on change to help us grow, move forward and evolve. 

 

Sometimes it hits us like a fastball, curved in the wind and aimed right at our face, in a game we didn’t even know we were playing. At times we call on change to help us catapult our lives into a new direction, onto the next adventure that we spent countless hours preparing for with steadfast focus and determination. Then there are times when we long for change. For something. Anything, to fill the gruelling void of our existence. We resist change and we fight it, we even welcome it, celebrating its arrival like an old friend we haven’t seen in years. Change can be a quick fleeting moment, a flash of insight that ignites the spark within, making it impossible to look back. It comes in many waves and forms. 

 

As humans we are all onions, made up of layers through experience, boundaries and moral codes. And as change moves through us, it adds new layers. Its lifeforce lives within each choice we make, no matter how large and grandiose or how trivial and small. Change is a power that’s neither good nor bad, right nor wrong; it just is. And it waits for no one. Change can keep us grounded and humble, or it can shake us to our core, flipping our world upside down, leaving us floating amidst the carnage of a shipwreck, helpless, dazed and mostly confused. Then there’s change, laughing at us, leaving us breathless, gasping for air, paralyzed from the waist down, unable to move, let alone take a step forward. And, yet, we do. Because we are resilient people who rise up and carry on, finding our new paths, discovering our new sense of normalcy. And we adapt, as best as we can. It’s our reactions to events and circumstances that allow us to either keep moving on or pause, take a step back and re-evaluate. 

 

When we surrender to change, giving up control and truly allowing life to unfold, it can lead us to a whirlwind of beauty, of endless opportunities, of new friendships that could last a lifetime. We become elated with a euphoric sense of pride, vigour and astonishment, dancing with the stars, shining our brightest and realizing that, this whole time, we were epic, fearless warriors, defeating all obstacles and defying all odds, standing tall as a tree with its roots entangled in the ground from the murky marsh it was born in. When change occurs, we must embrace our grievances, honour our wins and accept what we cannot understand. 

 

As we adapt and evolve with time, we add another layer to the onion, with a fresh new subtle outlook on life. Until the next time, we smile and welcome change back around.

 

We can all agree that humans, like ogres, have layers. How has change added layers to your life? Let us know in the comments below, or share your experiences with our community in a Low Entropy group session.

There and Back Again: On the Road to Change

Posted on by andrew

Andrew Woods, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Please note that this article contains brief references to substance use.

 

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett

 

From the day-in, day-out perspective, it’s difficult to discern where and when change occurs. Can there possibly be such a thing as change, as we maneuver through the minutiae of our daily lives?

 

Between grocery shopping, our studies, our household chores, our jobs, our family duties … between paying bills and scrolling through politically motivated Facebook memes … where does “change” fit in?

 

And yet, I look back 10 years (or more) and it becomes overwhelmingly obvious that so much has changed. It becomes almost alarming to observe the changes that I’ve undergone. 

 

I was what the nurses called “a frequent flyer.” I wasn’t the only one who had earned that honour, though. Many of “us” had become accustomed to cycling in and out of those hospital wards. I spent Christmases and birthdays there, walking aimlessly up and down the halls, staring blankly out the locked windows overlooking the grounds, chain smoking cigarettes out front with the other patients.

 

After every hospital discharge, I’d keep to the straight and narrow for a couple months, but I’d always find myself back where I started – flushing my prescribed meds and looking to score my drugs of choice.

 

And then I’d end up right back on the ward. 

 

That was my life, in a nutshell, for a good 10 years or so. And oddly enough, I was comfortable with it. After all, I had discovered an identity in that lifestyle. I had taken on various labels: bipolar, mentally ill, obsessive-compulsive, drug seeker, troubled youth … and I began to wear those labels with a sense of misaligned pride. I was caught in a landslide, grasping for anything that would yield some stability. And as a young adult, having a sense of identity offered a bit of steadiness, even when everything else was precariously unbalanced. Predictably, the more I attached to that sense of self, however distorted it was, the more complete I felt. 

 

I was told, early on in my recovery, that change is the only constant in life. Everything else is impermanent and variable … our jobs, our homes, our friends, our family … it’s all either coming or going. But what can absolutely be guaranteed is our own personal evolution. 

The unfortunate reality is, change is difficult. And often we put up a lot of resistance to it. 

Some of us, like myself, have had to hit rock bottom before deciding to embrace change.

 

I had to do something … different.

 

I didn’t really see any other alternative … I didn’t want to risk uncovering what was beneath rock bottom.

 

I went all in. Change or no change.

 

Exercise.

Diet.

Meditation.

Breathwork.

Social supports.

Therapy.

 

Taking on the challenge of modifying my every conditioned thought and behaviour was no easy task. In fact, it was an impossible task. I didn’t realize that true change would need to come from within, that it was a slow, painful process, and that I was in it for the long haul. Maybe that’s why change is so very difficult for us – because the journey to lasting change follows a steep and rocky road, and everyone falls down along the way. 

 

I certainly admit to falling down along this journey. Not just once … but many times I’ve fallen.  And perhaps in falling down I learned life’s most valuable lesson – always get back up.

 

Nowadays, my sense of identity has expanded beyond what I could’ve previously imagined. Not in an egoic, full-of-myself kind of way. But in a way that is conducive to healing, and living a better, more fulfilling life. There have been many lessons learned over the past several years, and admittedly … I learned some of those the hard way.

 

I emphasize, however, that embracing self-growth, and the journey along our own self-evolution … it isn’t some kind of chore like doing the dishes or folding laundry.

 

No, witnessing the myriad of ways in which we, as individuals, flourish through all of life’s challenges is by far the most rewarding experience available to us.

 

In fact, that is why we’re here.

 

That’s it.

 

To evolve, to grow, to nurture and thrive.

 

And it isn’t about moving from point A to point B, as if life is a roadmap with a destination marked in red ink.

 

Instead, I think our journeys through life often lead us right back to where we started, to a world that is strangely familiar, and relatively unchanged.

 

And we realize that it was never about changing the world.

 

It was about changing ourselves.

 

The Fearless Art of Changing Your Life

Posted on by andrew

They are common notions, that life-changing experiences occur rarely and require drastic measures. Not so, posits Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Daniel Wilkens. Daniel proposes that, at any time, we are surrounded by a myriad of life-altering, low-barrier opportunities, just waiting to make us into the best versions of ourselves.

 

Sometimes change is forced upon us. Sometimes it’s for the better, but not always. Often we struggle to accept change and have to find ways to deal with new realities. But if we are feeling like we’re spinning our wheels and not getting anywhere, we don’t have to wait for changes to happen and hope they are positive. We can initiate change ourselves, sometimes with very little effort.

 

A number of years ago, I was given the opportunity through work to volunteer at the local high school track for the Relay for Life cancer fundraiser. They were looking for a photographer and, being handy with a camera, I volunteered my services. I was to photograph the event and present them with a digital record of their efforts – no big deal. I didn’t even blink at giving four or five hours to a good cause. I’m so glad I did! 

 

My first year was a real eye-opener. It was one of the biggest events in the town, with multiple teams, dozens of volunteers and hundreds of spectators, donators and well-wishers. There were people present who were cancer survivors themselves. Participants were thrilled that someone was there to take pictures of their accomplishments. Most ended up laughing, posing, being silly and getting family members together for group shots.

 

Did volunteering that one afternoon change my life? Absolutely! I met town council members, business people, entertainers and other photographers. Because of it I got offers to shoot weddings, engagements and sporting competitions. I cemented great friendships. People still recognize me from my time there. I went on to volunteer in this capacity for another seven years.

 

The point is, changing things up doesn’t have to involve a big, scary, complicated commitment. It can be simple and rewarding. Seeking personal growth is not just admirable, it’s essential. And the best part is, you can do it anytime!

 

Think about that – you can change your life at any time. I know so many people who are stuck in ruts. They go to the same job, hang out with the same people, listen to the same music, eat the same food, drive the same route to work – and then wonder why they are bored, listless, uninspired and unhappy. If you don’t like your current circumstance – change it! You can reshape your life in a couple of hours if that’s what you want to do.

 

I’m not suggesting you quit your job, run away and go live off the grid. I am saying that making personal adjustments is quicker and less intimidating than most people realize or are led to believe. Little changes can lead to huge results without jeopardizing your stability. 

 

Everything you know, everyone you meet and everything you do has the potential to change your life. Everything connects to everything else. People come and go (and come back) throughout your life. Never pass up a chance to help someone out for no reason. It’s not just exercising human decency. A junior staff member you help with a minor problem now can resurface as your supervisor at another company years down the road. You will have a built-in good relationship with that person because you once took a few minutes out of your day. Is *that* creating change for yourself? Of course.

 

“It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” the old saying goes. Personally, I think it’s a good healthy chunk of both. I’m addicted to lifelong learning. You can take online courses on absolutely any topic that exists. Those courses are often reasonably priced and in-depth. For as little as the price of a fast food lunch you can learn Photoshop, how to perform card tricks (fool your friends!), how to cook with white wine and so on. Any knowledge you acquire gives you more tools in your life-changing arsenal. Knowledge gives new layers, new perspectives and new outlooks. A spontaneous remark to an acquaintance about a course you’re taking could spin your life in a whole new direction.

 

Being proactive, interacting with people and searching out new experiences are the best ways I know to make lifelong changes. You may not always know how those changes will manifest – but they’ll happen. Granted, this was all easier a year ago, when you could join a gym, join a theatre group, go on a bus trip, attend a craft workshop, take guitar lessons, get a part time job at the cafe downtown, etc. Hopefully those opportunities will return in some form. And even though we are at this crazy time in our history, it’s still possible to meet new people and make new connections.

 

Network, network, network. Expanding your circle will always pay off. Learn new things, make new friends, believe in yourself and don’t be afraid to change your life for the better.

 

What would you like to do to make your life better? Share your ideas live with others in a Low Entropy meet-up, or simply jot a few words in the comments below!

Gusto in a Dangerous Time

Posted on by vwideski

As we round the corner on the first month of a new, hopeful year, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Mike Vaness pauses to reflect on what still might be salvaged from the flaming wreckage of 2020.

It would be a massive understatement to say that 2020 was a tumultuous year. Our lives have changed in ways that mimic works of fiction. However, we persevered and made it through, anticipating a brighter new year and promising to better ourselves. This is the time to make some positive changes, bring about new habits or start new hobbies. On the other hand, these new resolutions are often challenging and overly ambitious, and many of us have undoubtedly fallen back into old habits. As such, in 2021, I feel that instead of racing toward a “New Year, New Me,” perhaps we should look back upon the year we’ve just wrapped up, and find some positivity and growth that was mixed within all the chaos.

Looking back on the holiday season, I think it would be safe to say that our normal routines and expectations completely changed. Normally we would have been busy working out travel plans, matching schedules with work and social events, and attempting to see everyone and go all the places we could. This year there was a lot more emphasis on staying home with online shopping and shipping. It was hard to deal with the reality that we could not visit family or friends during the time when being with our loved ones was most important. I know when this realization first sank in for me, I was feeling quite depressed and sad. I haven’t been able to see my family in over a year, and it does not look like that will change for months to come. With that in mind, I have also come to realize how thankful I am for the new technology that allowed us to be more digitally connected than ever before. 

When I sat down on Christmas morning with just my partner and myself at home, we had a quiet breakfast, opened a couple gifts and took a much more calm and slow pace. We both commented that we were not exactly missing the pressure of having to keep to a tighter schedule – although I admit we don’t have children in our household, so this may not have been the same experience for everyone! We then began to set up a Zoom call for my family, and it was amazing to be able to see everyone’s faces when we spoke with them. It just brings a new level of communication that helps fill the void of not being together in person just a little bit more. New technology is by no means a replacement for being with friends and family in person, but I’m still glad it offers more than what we have had in the recent past.

The flexibility of technology can be positively applied to other aspects of our lives as well, with people being able to work from home and finding an entirely new sense of work and life balance. People have discovered all kinds of new hobbies and projects because they were encouraged to stay home. Many people have been able to explore different creative avenues that before may have been overlooked. I myself have found that I enjoy trying new and different recipes in the kitchen, and trying things that are a bit unusual. It has been an uplifting and fun experience that has allowed me to expand my repertoire for weekday meals.

Looking back at how our lives have changed, we can also focus on how best to move forward. We can see how things have changed on a grand scale, and while we may not want to maintain many of those changes once the public becomes a safer place, there are always some changes that can be made for the better. There is no reason, once we gain more freedom, why we cannot continue our creative pursuits. I will continue to look into new things to try in the kitchen, as well as working with other crafts. For instance, I recently bought equipment to work with casting resin, and am looking forward to trying it out to see where it can lead for future projects.

While we have all had our lives upended, in the end we can either completely ignore the past or try to move forward with gusto and fervor. I think there is a lot of good that can be had from looking to the past, reflecting, learning and gaining perspective. The past year was one of sadness and chaos, but there are bits and pieces that we can pull from it to help us keep moving forward. For 2021 we can try to bring about a new us, because we have grown even in the shadow of a disastrous year. We made it through, and now we can take the best parts of ourselves and decide who we get to be.

Who are you going to be in 2021? How much of 2020 will you take with you? Comment, keep an eye on this space and check out some Low Entropy virtual programming in the new year!

Alone This Time

Posted on by dev_team

As the matriarch and primary caregiver in her troubled family, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Kathy Woudzia had her fill of responsibilities and challenges. These roles became her identity, and she was good at them. But what happens to a person when all that was familiar disappears, and they’re left to pick up the pieces left behind?

Please note that this article discusses substance use.

In this past year many changes have occurred in my life. Since I was 21 I’ve been a mother and wife. I’m 58 now and the kids have all left home. I never really understood the term “empty nest syndrome”, but I certainly understand that sentiment now. When I became a wife and mother that became my identity, how I defined myself. Because I became a mom at such a young age, I gave up a post-secondary education. Although I enrolled in online university courses for certifications in health and fitness studies and business, I never completed my degree. 

Over the years I held jobs as a bookkeeper, library technician and conference planner, but held no formal education in any of those areas. When I was 32 my marriage to my first husband and father of three children ended. He had struggled with alcoholism for years. Six years later I met my second husband, a professional, and at the age of 41, was blessed with my fourth child. Because his job was so demanding, we decided that I would primarily stay home, raise the kids and look after the household. 

In September 2015 my beautiful little granddaughter was born. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware that her mom, my daughter, and her partner were addicted to opioids. My granddaughter was born addicted to opioids and needed to be slowly weaned off over the course of one month. Because my daughter and her partner were ill-equipped to care for her in a safe and responsible way, I was compelled to resign my on-call position with the Richmond School District as a library technician and begin to care for my first grandchild. Later, my daughter would move in with my husband while she was recovering from her opioid addiction. 

Many addictions include relapses, and that was the case with my daughter and her partner. For three years I was not only the wife of my husband and mother to one teenager still living at home, but I became a 24-hour on call caregiver to my daughter, her partner and my granddaughter. My days were overfilled with family obligations. I couldn’t wait to have some alone time!

Throughout my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s I have been parenting with little to no regard for self-improvement in areas outside of family. I devoted so much time to them that I failed at keeping old friendships or starting new ones. When my daughter was in recovery and went back to her position as a science teacher, I spent my days caring for my granddaughter, cooking, cleaning, shopping and working out. That was my life minute-to-minute, day-to-day, year-to-year. It is amazing how quickly the days turned to years and the years turned to decades. I had no profession outside of being a professional wife and mother.

Then, in 2018, things began to spiral downhill. On April 22, 2018, my daughter, mother of my granddaughter, died of an accidental opioid overdose. Suddenly my world was turned upside-down. The loss of my eldest daughter was devastating and I missed her dearly. When she passed away I also lost my granddaughter because she moved to Vancouver Island to be with her dad, who was recovering there with his family.

Initially, the lack of constant attending to others was a welcome one as I was fatigued with caring for so many people and having so little time to myself. Now it was just my 17-year-old daughter, who barely needed me and my husband to look after her. I filled my days with shopping and working out with some new friends I had made after the loss of my daughter. I enrolled in a writing course with New York University and began writing about my daughter. Then another blow. My only sibling, my brother, died of complications due to alcoholism. Another devastating loss exactly one year to the date my daughter had passed. 

Six months after my brother passed I began struggling with mental health problems of my own. I began experiencing bipolar symptoms. I was admitted to a hospital for one month in January 2020. When I was released from the hospital my husband had moved out of our home. Soon after, my husband had officially left me, my daughter went to university and I found myself completely alone.

The old parable, “the grass is always greener on the other side” is certainly true in my case. From wishing for alone time to longing for the busy days where I didn’t have a minute to myself, I have now realized I do not enjoy my time on my own. Not having developed many hobbies (outside of writing and exercising) or friendships, I often find myself very lonely and depressed. Because my job was professional wife and mother, I now find my life significantly vacant of activities I used to enjoy.

For the past four decades, a constant flurry of activity gave me a sense of purpose. In the absence of a husband or children to care for, I have now lost my identity. In raising my children, I was propelled by a desire to ensure my children transitioned to successful adults. In my mind, I was convinced that because they had graduated from universities with degrees, that meant success. My daughter once said in a card, “mom, if us kids were your employees then you would win employer of the year award”. That summed it all up for me. I had put all of my energy into what I viewed as my profession, motherhood. I completely immersed myself in activities that were centred on my kids and husband. Without either as a conduit to stay busy, I now find myself with loads of spare time and no  purpose: a toxic combination. 

Empty nest syndrome did not have meaning for me until I experienced it. In addition, I have experienced additional substantial losses in my life. The reality is, I have no one left to look after. In facing “ENS” head-on, I am compelled to find a new purpose outside of my husband and children – a new identity.

Do you have any advice for anyone who might be experiencing ENS? Or maybe you have your own struggle to share, to let us know we’re not so alone after all. Please let us know in our comments section or in person at a Low Entropy meeting.