Category: Mental Health

Twin B

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Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

“What is it like being a twin?” is the question I get asked second-most often, after “What is it like being disabled while your sister is able-bodied?” Those questions are pretty loaded, so I just try to give the simplest answer I can: it’s not easy. From the moment you and your twin are brought into this world, you are labeled with the letters A and B, depending on which one of you made it out first. To most people, I am sure a simple hospital protocol like this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but I took this label to heart and wore it on my sleeve, telling myself it was my fate to be second best. Looking back on my 21 years, I see it had nothing to do with my sister and more to do with my own insecurities that couldn’t help but be fostered as I struggled with daily life as a girl with cerebral palsy.

 

Being a twin felt like being in a constant competition, but it was one where I was only playing against myself. I also want to make it clear that my sister is the most important thing in my life, and I can say that because she doesn’t hold my resentments against me. She knows that my life has extra challenges that I didn’t ask for, so instead of fighting against me in this pointless race, she takes care of me and makes me want to become the best version of myself. However, I would be lying if I said that traces of jealousy don’t still linger. How could they not? My sister said to me once, “Having a twin is like having another you roam the earth, and it’s almost like you are witnessing an alternate version of your life.”

 

We may have the same face, but that doesn’t mean everything is bound to match. It is because of our different circumstances that we were given our own personalities and interests. Thus, the things we got to experience in life were not even close to being a mirror image. For instance, when my sister got to ride her bike, I was doing my weekly physiotherapy, and in high school while she was eating lunch with her friends, I was leaving school to go to counseling for my depression and anxiety. All in all there were some really good moments and some that were really bad. I was so happy growing up with a built-in best friend to hang out with and then,when we got older, I was really sad when I could no longer tag along with her. She had made her own friends. I couldn’t just steal them away and she was doing activities that my social anxiety found challenging. 

 

In conclusion, I am still struggling with the same problems, like believing that she is better than me or that there are moments in life she will have that I feel can’t ever have, such as getting a boyfriend or driving a car. The important part is that I have learned to slowly quiet these thoughts of inadequacy, but it’s still a work in progress. I couldn’t say being a twin is hard for everyone, but I would hope that every twin learns to cherish the unbreakable bond they were blessed with, and just forget about the alphabet.

 

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My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am a 21 year old English major at Capilano University with hopes of eventually writing YA novels and spreading disability and mental health awareness.

Self-Therapy: An Introduction

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Anastasia Lee (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Therapy is expensive. Each session can cost between $60 and $250 or even more, potentially racking up thousands of dollars per patient per year. Although therapy is effective, it is not a solution for everyone, and there is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Everybody’s psychological needs differ, and sometimes professional psychological treatment isn’t enough.

 

Depression and anxiety are becoming more and more common as psychological disorders, especially after a year-long global pandemic. Mental health decline is on the rise, peaking in the past decade, and it is worsening due to debilitating economic conditions. Losing jobs, homes and assets can be traumatic, as being stripped of your necessities can force you into survival mode. The cost of living is becoming more and more expensive. Considering these major challenges and dramatic changes in the environment, it is no surprise that depression and anxiety are becoming more prevalent in our society.

 

Self-therapy, which is any healing tool that provides mental alleviation and emotional support, has the potential to become the future of mental health therapy. It focuses on the individual becoming dependent on their cognitive and support systems, instead of relying on others for therapy. It is bringing back the power to the individual and creating a solid foundation for their mental health. It is not a replacement for therapy with a trained professional, but more so a way to cope with challenging, complex circumstances when one cannot afford therapy.

 

I must re-emphasize that self-therapy is not a substitute for therapy. It is a coping mechanism. There is no professional training required for self-therapy, and therefore it is not considered an form of medical therapy.

 

What is self-therapy?

 

Self-therapy is a potentially effective practice with all kinds of benefits: processing negative thoughts and emotions; coping healthily with trauma; rediscovering unconscious, shadow aspects; reflecting on your actions, habits and behaviors; keeping track of your progress and much more. Self-therapy isn’t limited to a specific set of practices. It is formed and shaped according to the needs and desires of the individual. Self-therapy is very much like self-care; it is for the mind and heart.

 

How is it an effective tool for coping with negative thoughts and emotions?

 

Self-therapy is a channel for self-expression and conscious processing. It brings unconscious and subconscious programming to the conscious surface. It is essential for working through trauma, which is often responsible for negative thoughts and emotions. Whether through journaling, voice messages, videos or other forms of self-therapeutic expression, it is a productive and constructive coping mechanism for releasing heavily suppressed thoughts and emotions. In this way, they do not remain trapped within the psyche, where they wreak havoc on our mental and emotional well-being.

 

How do I prepare for self-therapy?

 

  1. Intention-Setting: Before diving into self-therapy, evaluating your intentions for why you believe therapy is necessary and how you will undergo the process is essential for an effective session. Every session doesn’t have to be the same, and depending on the needs of the individual, the intentions can differ as desired. This intention-setting practice can be performed in various ways: writing down purposes in a journal, repeating them aloud in front of a mirror, sharing them with a trusted friend or family member, or expressing these intentions through art and music, to name a few.

 

  1. Creating a Safe Space: Your sanctuary can be created anywhere. Whether it’s your bedroom or outside in nature, being where no distractions or problems can reach you is the best place to be. It can be by yourself or with a friend or trusted partner, and it is encouraged to have someone assist you in the process if possible. You can put on music or surround yourself with the things you love and appreciate the most in life. Build your safe space as you like, and change your environment as needed.

 

  1. Practice Vulnerability: If you’ve spent years hiding who you truly are from the world, then it’s time to open up and express yourself, finally. Use your voice to talk about your thoughts and emotions. Don’t overthink anything you’re saying. Just speak. Detach from any judgments projected on you. Take it easy on yourself and ease away from being self-critical. It is okay to have flaws and imperfections, and practicing vulnerability requires accepting these aspects of yourself. Become more comfortable listening to your voice, feeling your emotions and hearing your thoughts.

 

  1. Ask Yourself Questions: When practicing self-therapy, it’s essential to guide yourself with the right questions. It is beneficial for you also to ask yourself questions to assist you with your healing process. Write down your own questions and answers throughout each session and, if needed, go completely off track and dive deeper into what needs confrontation. Every session is meant to be for your personal needs, so do exactly what you feel is best for you.

 

  1. Acquire the Right Tools: Self-therapy is relatively cheap and easy. The essential tools needed are a journal, pen and mirror. Of course, these aren’t requirements. Self-therapy can be talked through without notes, but having a mirror may help you connect with your body, language and ways of expression. A journal and pen may be useful for writing down things you want to remember in future sessions, while also tracking your progress and seeing what you need to work on and integrate.

 

—

 

My name is Anastasia. I am 22 years old, and I am from California. Ever since I was a kid, writing has been my passion because it is a channel of self-expression. With every piece of writing, I hope to build a collected masterpiece of art to share with the world.

The Highly Personalized Art of Defending Yourself from Cannonballs

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Christina Liao (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Your emotions can overwhelm you in an instant, like a cannonball. One minute, you’re walking. The next, you’re doubling over from a wave of anxiety. One minute, you feel fine. The next, you feel like you can’t get out of bed. You can’t move, you can’t breathe. The pit in your stomach feels like it will never end. Crisis mode will start in any second. 

 

This feeling is obviously not great, but did you know that there are ways that you can prevent it? To prevent you from going past the point of no return? One way is to write your thoughts down on a piece of paper, and then just throw that paper away. Whenever you feel like your emotions start to become too much, pick up a pen and lay down a piece of paper. Then, write down everything that you’re feeling at that moment. The pen and paper are your friends, your therapists, your muses. Whatever you want to call them. Once you’re finished, put the pen down. Crumple up the paper in a tight ball, then throw it into the nearest garbage bin. Don’t even keep it so you can read it at a later time, just throw the paper out. If you try to read it, you will just give yourself more anxiety.

 

Another thing that helps me is reading. It’s a great hobby that can temporarily distract you from your own life. You can fight dragons with queens and experience a life-changing type of love, all from the comfort of your couch. If you find that your emotions are starting to take a toll, maybe you should go read a good book as a distraction. I suggest The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab and These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong, if you’re interested in fantasy. 

 

The methods that I’ve suggested may work for some, but not others. I’ve just personally found that they’re good ways to keep my own emotions in check. Please understand that it’s important to control your emotions so they don’t become overwhelming, but also know that sometimes you just can’t. Everyone has different ways of preventing crises because everyone deals with things differently. You need to find your own way of calming yourself down. Whether it’s listening to music, meditating or writing your thoughts down like I suggested, you should have a strategy to calm yourself down whenever you feel like your emotions are starting to take you over. 

 

At the end of the day, you should be the one to control your own emotions, and not let your emotions control you. You are the one who chooses how you will accomplish that. There are countless articles on how to control your emotions and countless articles that will tell you which one is the best for you. However, you’re the only one who can decide for yourself how to maintain a good mindspace. Keeping a good headspace is important, and preserving good mental health even more so.

 

Don’t let a cannonball of emotions ruin your day. Everyone gets overwhelmed; it’s a natural part of life.

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My name is Christina and I am currently a student at Simon Fraser University in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. I love listening to music, reading, writing and, honestly, anything Marvel. In short, I’m a total nerd. I volunteer as a blog writer here at Low Entropy.

Reason to Roam

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Simin Ghaffari (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Administrative Assistant

 

Walking has always been a great form of exercise, and it is a great way to boost your physical and mental well-being. Walking has helped me relieve my stress and find peace during a pandemic.

 

When I was 11 years old I read a book, a Bertrand Russell biography. He was a polymath, and worked in philosophy, mathematics and logic. He walked three kilometres a day and used that time to think and create things

 

My math was very bad at school, but I thought if I started walking like him, I would be great at math. 

 

I didn’t become good at math at all, nor philosophy, but walking became my habit. When I am sad, or need to think or plan, I go for a walk and it helps me mentally and physically by allowing me to focus on the beauty of nature.

 

I walk, and the benefit of walking helps me so much. Especially during the pandemic, walking in nature helps me to stay mentally and physically active, and also helps me see more beauty in nature and the people around me, and I start taking pictures of everything. These little things make me happy in those moments, and I forget all the problems in the world and in my life

 

Now, as I am getting older with osteoarthritis in my knees, sometimes I have to beg my legs to cooperate, but walking is still joyful. 

 

Walking can help your mental health. Studies show it can help reduce anxiety, depression and negative mood. It can also boost self-esteem and reduce symptoms of social withdrawal. To experience these benefits, aim for 30 minutes of walking, three days a week.

 

***

 

I am a person who doesn’t give up easily. I stand up when things are not right, no matter what I have to lose. I am friendly, minimal and concerned about the environment. I enjoy photography, dance, music and nature. I enjoy everything, and I am eager to learn new things. – Simin Ghaffari

You Matter

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Christina Liao (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Sometimes, days become stormy and you feel worthless. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you look at the mirror in the morning. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you leave your house. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” your brain thinks as you keep your head down and can’t hear your thoughts over the noise. Everyone can feel insignificant on cloudy days, and when that’s happening it’s crucial to remember that you matter. When your brain says “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,” it’s important to let your heart respond with “I matter, I matter, I matter,” even when you can’t quite bring yourself to believe it. Power through it, and there’s going to be a light on the other end of the tunnel when you get there. 

 

When you start to feel like you’re worthless or not good enough, it’s key to take a step back, reevaluate yourself and continue on with your day. On some days, it may be hard to look over the dirt and grime, but time prevails and you will eventually feel better, the harder you try. On some days, it seems as if pain becomes an endless pit. Loneliness, worthlessness and overthinking can completely consume your life. When that happens, it is important to take a break from whatever you’re doing and think about the things that make you happy. Go read a book, listen to some calming music, take a walk. Do something that makes you feel at ease. That’s always worked for me, at least. Distracting myself from thoughts about things that I know shouldn’t matter but still worry about has always been a good strategy.

 

Emotions can become overwhelming, and it’s important to find ways to distract yourself when they do. Whether it’s sitting down and watching some television or meditating, it’s important to compose your feelings and keep them in check. Overthinking is unhealthy, but when you’re stressed it becomes almost second nature to overthink. Stress and anxiety come hand-in-hand. Feeling stressed is unavoidable, but it’s important to handle it in a healthy way. Take some breaks, steady your breathing and sleep better. The stress will pass as time passes. Anxiety however, can become a problem, because if it is a constant in your day then it doesn’t go away. Different people deal with it by using different methods, and it’s important to find your own method that is catered to you. If things become really bad, maybe it’s time to find a trained professional to help you through your troubles. Therapists really help and more people are in therapy than you might think. The stigma against getting help really shouldn’t be a thing, because it’s normal to seek it when you need it.

 

Many celebrities are advocates of mental health because they have their own problems with it. Someone as successful as Taylor Swift still goes through anxiety like everyone else, and that makes her just as human as anyone else. In fact, Taylor probably has more anxiety than you and I, having to deal with a global audience assessing her appearance every second of her life. It’s important for the stigma against mental health treatment to be nullified, because everyone has their troubles and those involving mental health problems are normal. Even someone like Taylor Swift goes through them and comes out stronger when they get out the other end.

 

It’s a good strategy to know when you need help and when you’re in a good place – monitor your emotions. Keep a mood tracker handy, write a journal to keep your thoughts in check, whatever works for you is what you need to do to be aware of your mental state. Especially in the midst of this pandemic, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. When you do, remember to relax, distract yourself and just breathe. Power through it, and you’ll come out from a tough spot stronger than ever. Life is messy, and it’s okay to feel like your emotions are overloading your life. Just find healthy ways to contain them when it happens and power through the darkness.

 

***

 

My name is Christina and I am currently a student at Simon Fraser University in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. I love listening to music, reading, writing and, honestly, anything Marvel. In short, I’m a total nerd. I volunteer as a blog writer here at Low Entropy.

Wounded Child

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Ling-Yee Sze, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I personally think that I am quite experienced in feeling lonely. The feeling of loneliness was most pervasive in my teenage or adolescent years.

 

I have always enjoyed alone time. A lot of activities that I enjoy – drawing, reading, playing music, etc . . . are usually conducted independently.

 

When I was a kid, I lived with my grandparents in a small village in a southern province in China. They were quite permissive and busy with physical work. I had great fun playing by myself alone. I did not feel lonely at all; my parents’ love for me was always in the back of my mind. One of my most vivid memories from those years was sitting in the middle of a motorbike, between my grandpa at the front and my grandma at the back.

 

Then many incidents that I would now define as traumas happened after I went to Hong Kong at the age of five that created some negative emotional imprints on me. As a sensitive child, I developed a lot of negative beliefs and coping mechanisms in interacting with people, which resulted in me feeling lonely in or after social interactions.

 

A big wound I have is in my social ability. When I first met my mum at five years old, she perceived me as self-centred and lacking discipline. I do not remember what I did, but one night she beat me and dragged me to the garbage room. That is by far the biggest trauma I have around being rejected and unlovable.

 

Later, my belief of not being social enough or unlovable was reinforced when some teachers indicated that I should spend less time being an observer in group activities. On Parent’s Day, my teacher asked if I was an only child because I didn’t participate in as many peer groups as she thought I should.

 

I carried this wound of feeling socially inadequate into interacting with others. In order to manipulate people into liking me more and appear to be more engaged in groups, I tried very hard to people-please and read others’ minds, and did not dare to push any boundaries. I used this mode to interact with my peers and teachers in my primary school years, then every day after returning home I felt alive and able to be myself again, and not wear the mask of a temperless good girl. I enjoyed a very intimate, sharing, vulnerable relationship with my grandma.

 

The real challenge for me came after my grandma passed away when I was 14. Suddenly my world collapsed, and I felt the intense belief that no one really respected, accepted, loved and made me feel significant other than my grandma. Coupled with some other wounds, such as believing that I was weird, unorganized and timid, or that only outgoing girls were deserving of love, or that my sexual desires made me unlovable, my adolescent years following her death were very rough emotionally.

 

I sought validation and love in indirect ways – I tried to be perfect in every drawing I made so that my peers and teachers would praise me, I tried watching 10 hours of Korean TV series nonstop to immerse myself in the world of the main female characters and feel undivided and loyal love from the main

male characters. These ways to meet my needs for love and connection helped me to forget about the pain for some time, but they were not helping me at the root level.

 

It has only been in recent years, when I stepped into personal development and self-healing, that I began to see my loneliness in different and much more empowering ways. Love and connection is vital to every single person at every stage of life. A lot of my false beliefs about my lovableness stems from the emotional imprints created when I was small. They carried into my adulthood because my brain at the time of these traumatic events perceived interaction and being vulnerable as unsafe, as leading to rejection and shame. In order to better be prepared and protect myself from danger and future interactions, I developed coping or soothing strategies to meet my needs for connection while keeping myself safe.

 

However, when I believed people around me were dangerous and interactions were unsafe, I was not present in my interactions at all. I hid the majority of myself – my traits, my needs and my emotions. The longer the interactions were, the more exhausted and drained and lonely I would feel after. I would then go back home and numb myself by watching television or listening to songs – only when I was all alone would I feel safe to fully be myself.  In those moments I felt so lonely and hopeless and trapped and empty.

 

Now I am working to reconnect with myself – my emotions, my needs and my boundaries – to see who I really am when there is no fear of being judged or shamed, shifting from critical self-talk to a more compassionate tone and replacing self-shaming with self-acceptance. When I fully accept and see and hear and respond to myself, I feel less lonely and I feel able to communicate to other people what I am about and what I need. Even if sometimes these interactions are not satisfying, I’ve started to trust that I can set boundaries and give love and connection to myself, especially my wounded child.

 

—

 

Hi, my name is Ling-Yee Sze and I am a personal development enthusiast who began a self-help journey four years ago. Along the way, I have met many inspiring people. I hope to share my personal stories and collected learnings with you!

Your Own Personal Brat

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Anna Bernsteiner examines the concept of anxiety through the lens of a toxic relationship with a fellow with an unfortunate name.

 

Let’s talk about everyone’s annoying little friend Anxiety. Known for various crimes. Creeping inside your brain at night, twisting and turning your thoughts so you doubt and question your entire being. Constantly trying to convince you of all the things that can go wrong and all the failures ahead. And making a sport out of reminding you of every single insecurity that has ever crossed your mind.

 

Charming fellow. 

 

I call mine Brat. ‘Cause then I can say,

“My anxiety is such a brat.” Annoying, spoiled little kid. I think that’s pretty accurate. I can’t just kick him out, so I guess I have to learn how to live with him. Maybe I should befriend him. Tell everyone about him.

But how hard is it to admit your problems to another human being? Or, even better, how hard is it to admit it to yourself? 

 

It’s not as easy as saying

Hey you, I have anxiety. It’s difficult sometimes. It occasionally takes over and feels like I can’t move or think about anything else. I feel like a failure, worthless. Stick with me, I guess? 

 

A little anxiety is normal, it’s your body trying to watch out for you, trying to protect you.

Maybe you get the shivers when thinking about a big test coming up, the first day at work or presenting in front of a big audience. 

 

Yet what if this kid grows up to be a constant disruptive abusive adult who doesn’t want to be controlled or leave you alone?

What then? 

What if it seems like life is too overwhelming for you. Nothing you do is enough or works out. Constant doubt. Constant fear. Constantly on your mind. 

 

Honestly, between you and me, I have not yet found a way to get rid of him. Kid or adult. Still living in my head rent-free. Having tantrums and trashing the place. 

So why am I even writing this, if I have absolutely no solution? 

 

Here is why. Growing up, mental health has always been a scary topic to talk about. Anxiety wasn’t a thing. A new sickness just invented. People seeking attention. Weird. You just didn’t talk about it. 

So it’s time to shine a light on the topic. Normalizing anxiety. Normalizing struggles. Normalizing fear. 

When reading this, did it sound familiar? Did you feel like you have experienced this before? 

Identifying the culprit is a great first step to taming your own personal Brat. See how anxiety is triggered. And if you know what triggers yours. You take some control back. 

 

Think about it this way. There are lots of Brats out there and their number doesn’t get smaller. The opposite. Chances are there are people in your life feeling overwhelmed and anxious too. 

And as always, sharing pain makes it feel just a little less scary. So instead of spreading Brats all around by staying silent, you can choose to share. You can choose to tell the people that care about you. You can choose to acknowledge your struggles. 

 

And say, Hey my anxiety is a brat.

 

What about yours?

 

Brat’s the worst. Nobody likes that guy. How do you deal with characters like Brat? Comment below or talk your anxiety out with an empathetic group of listeners in a Conscious Connections meeting.

The Mental Health Revolution Might Be Televised

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And now, back to our regularly scheduled mental health conversations: Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao identifies a trend in television shows exploring issues like self-love and loss.

 

In today’s media, topics such as self-worth, self-love and grief are discussed in a much more prevalent way, and externalities of these discussions tend to be very positive. With the media educating people on these subjects, consumers are more educated and aware of them. CW shows such as The Vampire Diaries and The 100, or Marvel’s WandaVision, all include these discussion points throughout the course of their shows. Many of the characters showcased have inner conflicts related to these subjects, and are written in a way that makes viewers understand them on a personal level.

 

Clarke Griffin, one of the protagonists of The 100, battles self-worth in a way that really makes us see the person beneath all the armour. She would go to many lengths to protect her people, even by dooming the entirety of another population. After having been branded the title of “Commander of Death,” she consistently wonders if she is a “good” person or a “bad” one, even though it is because of her actions that everyone she loves is alive. One idea that the show often touches on is that maybe there are no bad guys. Nobody is born a bad person, but everyone has done things we regret. That by no means makes somebody a bad person, but even someone who’s inherently good has done bad deeds. Whether it’s lying to a friend or not talking to their parents more before they died, everyone has experiences that they wish they could take back. However, this does not make them terrible people, or less worthy of love. Clarke battles this throughout the show’s seven seasons after having to constantly sacrifice things to survive and save the ones that she loves.

 

A show that explores self-love through the eyes of a character is CW’s The Vampire Diaries. A character that has battles of whether he’s worthy of love is Damon Salvatore, who’s one-half of the Salvatore brothers. He says that he wants to be known as the “bad brother” so he isn’t expected to be good. Being a good person can be hard sometimes; it gets exhausting. Everyone has times where they want to be selfish. Because of this, Damon wonders if he’s worthy of love. He knows he’s selfish, but he would still do anything for the love of his life. Through Damon we understand that everybody is worthy of love, especially someone who’s ready to give up everything to save others. Just because someone thinks they’re a bad person does not mean they’re not worthy of love. In fact, if someone is aware that they’re not “good,” that realization usually indicates a goodness within. Nobody is born a bad person, everyone has light and dark inside of them.

 

In Marvel’s 2021 show WandaVision, grief and its five stages is one of the main themes. Wanda Maximoff battles grief after losing her beloved Vision in Avengers: Infinity War. Her life in WandaVision is a whirlwind of grief, and leads to her accepting her loss and becoming very powerful. Discussing topics like this sheds the light on very real emotions that people feel when they lose a loved one. Marvel has released many limited series shows in 2021, and they all talk about important topics. With the large platform that Marvel has, these stories can go a long way toward educating people about the subjects they need to understand in order to accept others who are dealing with tough times.

 

Having shows that reach a large audience discuss these topics is an improvement upon society because it brings light to important issues. It educates the people that consume said content and creates material for discussion. Only with discussion can a society become more empathetic, educated and kind. These kinds of mainstream conversations are an important step to a world that is more accepting, and therefore loving. 

What TV shows have had a positive influence on you? Let us know in the comments below or on our community site so we can all binge watch some quality content!

The Art of Resilience

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Through the theme of resilience, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Christina Liao finds the link between fantasy and reality.

 

Spoiler alert: this article may contain spoilers for Six of Crows.

 

Six of Crows is a fantasy novel that features six protagonists, and is part of a duology that shows how resilience can get anybody through anything – even raiding a top-level security government building. Chosen as one of Time magazine’s contenders for the top one hundred best fantasy books of all time, it’s a heist story written by Leigh Bardugo, and is inspired by the likes of the film Ocean’s Eleven. It is a contemporary example of resilience in media, and encourages modern-day readers to want to be more like the characters in the book.

 

The characters in Six of Crows all exhibit resilience at some point throughout the series, whether it’s Kaz’s never-ending scheming and conning, Jesper accepting himself and the powers that he has or Inej finding ways to be grateful towards a life that’s been nothing but hardship. It shows that no matter how young, resilience is necessary in order for success. 

 

Of all of the novel’s six protagonists, Matthias Helvar is the most resilient. Not only was he imprisoned in one of the most brutal prisons in a foreign country because of someone he trusted, he also changed his antagonistic world view about Grisha (people who practice magic) throughout the course of the two books, only to die at the end. Matthias is from a country known as Fjerda, and his people actively hunt Grisha because they think that they’re unnatural abominations. After falling in love and pledging his life to the same person he thought betrayed him, however, Matthias had to unlearn years of propaganda from his government and the country that he served and loved. Even as he died, his final wish was for his lover – Nina Zenik – to show mercy to his people, the same people who saw him as a traitor for associating with a Grisha, and the same people who ended up killing him.

 

Matthias is the very image of resilience – even though he died, he stayed resilient to the very end and was the embodiment of honour.

 

In everyday life, resilience can be seen in less dramatic, but equally profound ways. A child falling off their bike and getting up, a student who does not do well on an exam and then proceeds to study harder, or a single parent who continues to go to work even on the worst of days. Resilience is something that everyone has the ability to find inside them, and rise up from hardship, even though it’s difficult.

 

It is because resilience is difficult that it is also so important. A person needs to be resilient if they wish to succeed. Although life can throw curve balls at us and put us in difficult situations, resilience is the key to get us through those tough times. Through art, we can see that it’s an art to be resilient. If everyone engages with this art, our society can only become stronger.

 

Tell us about a time you had to be resilient. Share your stories in the comments below, or in person at a Conscious Connections meeting!

 

Anxiety: How I Live with It

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From recognition to management, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Kanak Khatri has had plenty of experience with anxiety disorder, and some advice to share on how to actually create value from it.

 

What is Anxiety Disorder?

 

Some days I realise that I am not going to get a lot of sleep because of a minor occurrence in my life. Other days, my nerves get agitated for seemingly no reason. As much as it is human and totally normal to be anxious, nervous and apprehensive sometimes, some people, like myself, have more pronounced and disproportionate experiences. That is anxiety disorder.

 

How Did I Identify It?

 

I had lived with anxiety disorder for several years before I realized that I needed help. The first step towards managing it was when I identified and accepted that I had anxiety, and now I had to live it. So, how did I identify my anxiety disorder? One effect of my anxiety disorder was its physical symptoms.  Anxiety manifests physically with symptoms like rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, upset stomach, rapid breathing and restlessness. All this was happening from merely thinking about future events like a quiz or an interview, and sometimes for no reason.  I also noticed that my anxiety disorder also affected the relationship that I had with myself. I was trying to be best at everything, and if I wasn’t, I felt shame and guilt. I was exhausted preparing for everything day and night, because nothing seemed good enough. I assumed the worst in every situation; I couldn’t stop the negativity in my train of thought. In addition, when times got tough, I closed off emotionally and avoided any kind of socializing. Although I knew there was something in me that I needed to acknowledge and address, I just did not want to accept it. In retrospect, I realize that if I had addressed it sooner, I’d be even healthier now.

 

How Do I Manage It?

 

Depending on the severity of the anxiety disorder, management may require professional help. This was my case, as it was accentuated by the loss of a close family member. However, many ways in which I manage my anxiety disorder are easy to adopt and adjust. After I identified and acknowledged my anxiety disorder, I started making a list of things that triggered my anxiety. This included deadlines, interviews, doing something new (like starting a new job) and basically most things that involved uncertainty. These triggers caused my mind to overflow with thoughts and what-ifs.

 

Scheduling my daily life and following a routine: Following making the list, I had to manage those things in such a way that they did not give me anxiety. Knowing I had control kept my anxiety in check. The most significant change that helped me was micromanaging my days and knowing the things I would get done each day. I would set reminders in my calendar, so I never missed any important event. For things that required preparation, like an interview, I gave myself plenty of time, so I would not exhaust myself. My scheduling also included waking up and sleeping at a fixed time, to give all my activities enough time.

 

Improving my relationship with myself: I came to terms with the fact that I do not have to be perfect. Making mistakes is what makes me human and gives me room for improvement. And I can never be totally prepared for life; I must deal with things as they come. I also made myself understand that everything has a chance of failure, and that I should not be negative when things don’t work. In other words, I took rein of my train of thoughts and now I know when to stop.

 

Practicing relaxation techniques: Two of the practices that really helped me were meditation and using a diffuser. I regularly meditate with a candle, which involves simply focusing on my breathing and the candle’s flame. I feel it makes me really focused, releasing a bit of anxiety with every breath I exhale. Using essential oils like lavender and chamomile with a diffuser has also helped me relax during the day and sleep at night.

 

How Has My Life Changed?

 

These changes did not happen overnight. For me, they took a few weeks to implement, and I still have a few sporadic bad days. But having a routine and schedule have not only reduced my anxiety, it has also given me advantages in life. My over-preparation proved to be fruitful for my interviews and my job, in general. There used to be a time when my anxiety was my weakness, but in time I believe it will turn it into my strength. This is how I live with my anxiety. I hope my story helps you live with yours too.

 

Do you have experience with anxiety? How do you manage it? Let our compassionate community know on our social media channels, in the comments below or at a Low Entropy meeting!

Beyond Difficult

Posted on by andrew

It’s all too easy to ignore others’ struggles. Marginalization is real, and it is perpetuated when the needs of smaller, disadvantaged populations are deprioritized in favour of the overriding concerns (or comforts) of those in power. Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Elizabeth Atkinson understands this all too well.

 

Let’s just call a spade a spade. Living with a disability is difficult. Living with a disability during a global pandemic when you are a high-risk individual? Beyond difficult. It takes a different kind of strength that most people won’t understand. This is not to dismiss the issues that healthy people without disabilities have had during this pandemic. I do not mean to suggest that the pandemic has been easy on anyone. Everyone has their own personal struggles, and being a high-risk person during a global pandemic is my struggle. Everyday I battle fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and a pituitary adenoma, as well as multiple autoimmune disorders that require me to take immunosuppressants. This makes me very high risk for illness in general, let alone COVID-19. 

 

Isolation is one of the major issues chronically ill people are facing during the pandemic. Staying home and staying safe is something everyone should try to do, because when this illness spreads, you may or may not know if you are a carrier. Staying home to stay safe is easier said than done. Some people tell me to “get out for a walk,” or “go for a drive.” This is also easier said than done. Personally, getting out for a walk can be an ordeal, depending on the day, the weather, my energy levels, whether or not I have access to my walking supports, etc. Plus, depending on where you live, getting out for a walk may surround you with people, making social distancing an unviable option. For example, I live in a crowded area, and leaving the house for a quick stroll surrounds me with people who may or may not be wearing masks and respecting personal boundaries. I also cannot drive due to the side effects of my medications. These restrictions compound COVID-19-related isolation, which leads to feeling trapped by your illness more so than usual. Sometimes what works for healthy people without disabilities does not work for people in the chronic illness community. 

 

Living through this global pandemic while having a disability has also brought on a lot of mixed emotions. Fewer people say hurtful comments such as, “I wish I could stay home all day and not have to work.” I guess some people are realizing that having to stay home is not the same as getting to stay home. One is a lack of choice, while the other is considered a privilege. However, I would take back this minor satisfaction for people to be able to live freely. I experience another mixed emotion seeing many jobs being worked remotely. Many organizations have expressed interest in keeping certain jobs as remote work even after the worst of this pandemic has passed. I am very happy more remote work jobs are available and it is being seen as a more viable option. However, I can’t help but be frustrated that, after years of begging for this issue to be looked at, it took healthy people without disabilities needing a solution for most workplaces to come up with one. I can’t help but admit that it does sting that the disably community’s cries for accomodation were not enough in the past. 

 

Other solutions to problems people with disabilities face, such as contactless delivery, the ease of ordering groceries and having them delivered to the door, etc., are all good changes that I hope stay in place post-pandemic. While the systems in place are certainly not perfect, they are helping make staying isolated easier. One way these systems can be improved is having groceries delivered to the door, instead of to the lobby, if you live in a multi-unit building. I have to frequently put in the note to the delivery person, “Please bring to door – disabled and cannot carry groceries.” Even with this added note, sometimes my groceries are still dropped off in the lobby and I have to come up with creative ways to get them upstairs to my fridge. Often, but not always, I can rely on the kindness of strangers. This is

not ideal, as it takes away feelings of independence. Additionally, it is hard to rely on strangers when you are supposed to be keeping your distance. 

 

One of the worst parts of this pandemic has been the lack of consideration for high-risk people. The number of people who say or write insensitive comments such as, “Oh, I am okay, this illness only affects people with underlying conditions or old people,” is astounding. This complete disregard for my life and others just like me is so widespread and so hurtful. It comes from family, from friends and from strangers, and reading it never gets easier. It has led me to lose multiple friends and other people I previously viewed as support, as they relentlessly made their opinions on where people with disabilities land on the social ladder very well known. The more people think they’re immune from serious consequences due to the virus, the longer the lockdowns and isolation periods will be for people who cannot safely take the same risks as others. It is a reminder that I am viewed as less than others because my body does not work in the same ways. 

 

All in all, I hope this pandemic teaches people a valuable lesson about treating disabled people with kindness, compassion and accommodation. I hope people remember how isolation and lack of freedoms can make a person feel deeply restricted. More than anything, I hope people remember that everyone is facing a struggle, and now is the time to be kind and considerate. Disabled people, just like me, deserve better than to feel like they come in last.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective with us, Elizabeth. If you’ve got a story to tell, bring it to a Conscious Connections meeting, or tell it on any one of our social media channels.

Turning To-Do into Done

Posted on by andrew

 

 

It’s analysis paralysis – if you’re all about ideas, overthinking can create a logjam that stalls your best intentions, leading to burnout. Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Emma Norton explores how we can process those ruminating thoughts in healthy ways, to get you back up and running.

 

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Our modern society is all about goal-oriented hustling to achieve some sense of status. Confronted with overwhelming pressures – whether external or self-imposed – we create an unhealthy dynamic for ourselves. 

 

Regardless of how you experience burnout or where it is derived from, you can trace its roots back to your neural wiring. How do you handle stress, and what triggers it for you? 

 

In my experience, I have always been a highly creative person: I generate ideas. I also, as a positive, can be organized and complete tasks. But I often felt overwhelmed, taking on duties that weighed me down simply because I was capable. Working on multiple projects at once or being a support for others going through hard times, I got used to going through a burnout cycle. Recently, as I have been working to streamline my life in many ways, I acknowledged that the stress I was feeling came from a key factor: I have often had a hard time turning thoughts into action.

 

Why? I’m all about the ideas. I can connect things and find the reasoning in most scenarios well beyond anyone else. If you spark my creativity, I can come up with a multitude of magical concepts for you. But in the excitement, my to-do list builds up so quickly that I ruminate on its items instead of crossing them off.  

 

I experience burnout because I have the inspiration to do all these great things, but the overwhelm comes from thinking I have to do everything independently. As an independent worker, I feel like I have to do everything myself. This comes from a mistrust in others built up over the years, as well as a lack of boundaries when it comes to taking more on than necessary. Burnout from both control issues and people-pleasing often comes from the same source: thinking there is something to prove. It comes from the worry of letting others down or being pressured to perform beyond your current capacity. I can look back to these experiences as great lessons that helped me level up and prove myself. But the real lesson was that my opinion was the only one that truly mattered in the end. 

 

I have been reviewing the idea of turning thoughts into action as I have realized the mental stress that I impose upon myself instead of chipping away at that to-do list. Here are some tools I have been implementing with great success lately:

 

Join a Networking Group

This is not just for professionals: if you are a new parent who is feeling burnt out or a student feeling overwhelmed, there are community-minded groups to participate in. Find something relatable to your scenario. Just talking with others helps, as does being open to their perspectives. It can also help you realize you are not alone, and from a professional standpoint, you may very well find others with whom you can collaborate.

 

Exercise

I often exercise to the point of burnout, but I also manage the other stressors in my life during these sessions. When running, for example, I can take a lot of those ideas swirling around in my head and give them (literal) legs. Taking this time to connect my mind and body helps me refocus and get out of my head. I always prioritize exercise within my schedule because it is such a valuable outlet for me and my pent-up energy.

 

Have Your Non-Negotiables

Depending on whether you are a disciplined, routine-oriented person or a free-flowing, take-life-as-it-comes kind of person (I fall somewhere in the middle), have your non-negotiables. Taking a break from the ruminating thoughts and redirecting your focus to a non-negotiable activity or practice for some time (even if it is a planned time in your schedule) is crucial.

 

Pick three non-negotiables you have to incorporate into your day/week/month. These are your actions. These are the movements that you can use to ground your thoughts. For me, it’s running, painting and giving myself manicure/pedicures. The latter also conveniently supports the first two! As you can see, my list includes physical activity, creativity and self-care, all of which I can redirect my thoughts into. Try this for yourself!

 

What are your three non-negotiables? Is your favourite one “reading the Low Entropy blog?” Sure it is! Let us know your other two in the comments below or on any of our social media channels!

Healing Scars

Posted on by andrew

Reflecting on the past shed light on Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Niklas Chiang’s persistent fear of failure. With this insight, Niklas was able to start mending wounds, both old and new.

 

I recently started a new job, amid the COVID-19 pandemic. I was scrolling through a job posting website when I came across a posting where the company was looking to expand and hire more behavioural interventionists (BI). A BI works under an applied behavioural analysis (ABA) therapist to implement programs to help children with autism develop social, cognitive, and fine and gross motor skills. I had just graduated from university and was looking to gain experience in both physical and occupational therapy. This job seemed perfect to gain experience in developing and implementing programs that I might one day use if I were to become an occupational therapist. I applied, got an interview, then received the BI position.

 

Since I did not have a background in psychology, I knew I would have to work a little harder to understand what the ABA therapist was saying and demonstrating. The sessions were not always easy to follow because there was so much to observe, and so little time to process everything. I decided to take notes instead, and reflect on the sessions when I got home. This continued for about a month before the therapist decided I was ready to handle my first 1:1 session with the child. When that day came, I woke up nervous but optimistic, excited and terrified. When it was time to start my session, I tried to apply all the techniques the ABA therapist taught me. In the end, the session did not follow the plan I had in mind, but the child made some improvements, so I was content. I talked about the experience the following day to my supervisor. She was thrilled to hear about the session and decided I was ready to learn more.

 

For the next few weeks, we worked together again, and just like before, we worked on many different areas. I took notes, went home to reflect on them, then tried to implement my learnings in the following session. Just like before, she believed in me after a few sessions of working together, so she scheduled another 1:1 session for me. This time, nothing felt right. The session was difficult because every attempt I made to teach the child was met with resistance. By the end of the session, I felt like a complete failure. I didn’t teach the skills I wanted to, and believed the next session would go even worse. This failure stuck with me in my head. My internal voice started ringing in my brain. It told me how much of a failure and a useless BI I was, and that the therapist would reprimand me for the poor session I had. I quickly became emotionally distraught and defeated. I wanted to go home and think about how I had failed to do my job correctly. I didn’t want to do anything else except remind myself of my mistakes.

 

As I was walking back to my car, I asked myself why I had such an intense reaction. My reactions were not new to me. I had always reacted to failure poorly, but never understood why. Only one memory stood out to me. I was in grade four and had my very first provincial exam. There were two sections: reading and comprehension, and math. Both sections were difficult, but reading and comprehension was much harder. When I got back my results, I saw that I had failed the comprehension portion of the exam. I told my parents that night, and was reprimanded for my poor performance. My parents could not believe the score I got, and as punishment, I had to rewrite my essay from the exam. I rewrote it a first time, showed my parents, got reprimanded, and was told to write it again. I rewrote it a second time, showed my parents, got reprimanded, and was told to write it again. It wasn’t until after the fourth or fifth try that they deemed the quality acceptable enough for me to stop. After each of my failures, not only was I scolded by my parents, I felt humiliated and left with more tears running down my eyes.

 

Although this happened many years ago, I still felt that humiliation when I thought about it. It was not until I took a moment to reflect that I started to see why my response to failure was exaggerated and detrimental. Every time I brought a new essay to my parents, I was met with criticism, which lowered my self-esteem and confidence. In psychology, this is termed “positive punishment” (McLeod, 2018). B.F. Skinner, the founder of operant conditioning, believed that behaviours can be modified based on whether they are met with reward or punishment

(McLeod, 2018). Pleasant rewards will reinforce behaviour, while unpleasant stimulus will

reduce behaviour (McLeod, 2018). There are four categories: positive and negative

reinforcement, and positive and negative punishment (Ackerman, 2020). It is important to highlight that punishment does not mean physical punishment, but anything that is unpleasant. In my situation, my parents unknowingly engaged in positive punishment. They introduced an unpleasant punishment (reprimanding me), which functioned to decrease my willingness to participate in a second attempt. The result? Failure-avoidant behaviour to prevent the humiliating experience from happening again.

 

So how did I overcome my failed session? I took a moment to reflect on it. Instead of letting the failures control and humiliate me, I decided to take control instead. I thought back to my mistakes and identified how I could improve for the next session. That shifted my perspective from seeing my session as a failure, to a session with many opportunities. I am not defined by my first attempt, nor necessarily my second attempt. I am defined by my ability to keep moving forward and improving in spite of my failures. I am trying to redefine my situation so I don’t have to live with this fear anymore. While my experience may not be unique or profound, it did help me understand a critical period of my life where failure left a scar I never let heal. I have a long journey ahead of me to overcome my fear of failure, but each step I take is a step in the right direction.

 

References

 

Mcleod, S. (2018, January 21). What is operant conditioning and how does it work? Retrieved

March 29, 2021, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html

 

Ackerman, C. (2020, October 17). 12 Examples of Positive Punishment & Negative Reinforcement Retrieved March 29, 2021, from https://positivepsychology.com/positive-punishment/

How have you been shaped by your past? Share your stories with Low Entropy by joining one of our Conscious Connections meetings or creating an account with our Low Entropy Community social network!

Pretty Young

Posted on by andrew

Please note that this article examines suicide and suicidal ideation.

 

“That’s high,” I think, staring down onto the slowly moving waves. Hands clenched around the orange-red railing. 

What color even is this bridge? Orange or red? I don’t know. I don’t need to know now. Complete stillness. It seems like time stopped entirely, or at least it has for me. 

Water. 

Cold. 

Death. 

Do I actually want to?

No other way-

“HEY.”

Like a bullet piercing through glass, his voice stops my rushing thoughts. “Hey, what are you doing?”

He is surprisingly calm. It makes me feel calm. Or does it? I don’t respond. 

“What’s your name?”

It’s like my body wants to save me and before I can stop I hear words pouring out of my mouth.

“Okay.” He pauses. “You know how cold that water is, right?” 

“No.” I’m not sure he even heard me. 

“Probably 50, 53 degrees.” Like I can actually feel it, goosebumps start covering my body. Leave. 

Not your life. 

Mine. 

No other way. 

Do it.

No don’t.

Stop.

There is no chance to finish a single thought, constantly interrupted by his voice behind me. So close. It’s not the right timing. There is no other way.

“I don’t know you but you seem pretty young to give up on life now.”

You don’t know, I want to say but am interrupted by a sudden familiar sound. I hear my mother’s voice as if she was standing right next to me. I turn my head.

“If you give me your hand I can help you get back up. It’s not too late. There is always hope. There is always a way.”

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

My thoughts are screaming.

A way. He says there is a way. 

There is just one thing. I’m standing on the edge. On the edge of this bridge which isn’t even golden. Just a rusty dull orange. 

And I’m seconds away from living or dying. 

 

The Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular suicide site in the United States, which has one of the highest suicide rates among wealthy countries. Having spent a lot of time in San Francisco, I used to cross the Bridge regularly, wondering about people who see no other way in life than suicide. How can you help if you don’t know what is going on in someone else’s mind?

 

I came across the story of a young man trying to take his life at the Golden Gate Bridge. An officer rescued him by convincing him to climb back up. The reason the young man decided to live is because the officer actually listened to him. 

 

I have heard stories about people dying by suicide who didn’t seem depressed or unhappy. No one really knows what’s going on inside someone else. Mental health issues like depression and anxiety are an ever-growing problem in our society and can affect anyone.

 

Especially in this isolating time, check-in with your loved ones and make sure they are okay.

 

Mental health issues don’t make you weak or a bad person.

Ask for help. 

You are not alone. 

 

Canada:

 

Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566

 

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: 1-800-463-2338

 

Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645

 

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

 

United States: 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

 

Disaster Distress Hotline: 1-800-985-5990

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

Changing Careers: The Bright Side!

Posted on by andrew

When you’re stuck in the drudgery of a job you don’t like for long enough, the status quo can feel like a shadow cast from a monumental, immovable obstacle. Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Blaine Hancock, however, reminds us that if we’re willing to charge in a different direction, brighter days might be just around the corner.

 

Changing careers can be an incredibly frightening process. Leaving a career you dislike to pursue a different path can be difficult to even consider. Why leave a consistent paycheque? Why leave a career you’ve dedicated years of your life to? Why leave a job you worked so hard to get? Taking a big step away from all that you have known is never easy.

 

Well, I’m here to tell you that, though there are a few scary things about leaving a career, there are also MANY good reasons to change or consider changing careers! You will feel a renewed sense of ambition, you may reconnect with old passions you left in the dust, and much more! Hooray for the bright side! Let’s take a closer look at some positives that can come from a career change.

 

Renewed Ambition

 

After working at a job for an extended period of time, especially if it’s a job you’re not particularly fond of, you often lose your sense of motivation and struggle to pull yourself out of a monotonous routine. Once you take the step of deciding to change careers, you will feel an enormous sense of renewed ambition and drive. You will be more motivated than ever to figure out your next path. This ambition and drive will also translate to many parts of your life you have been neglecting or pushing aside. Use this ambition to create the best version of yourself.

 

Explore New Paths

 

Of course, the most obvious positive that can come from a career change is the ability to explore new career paths. Although the amount of options to consider may feel overwhelming at first, you will quickly realize that it can be so much fun to look into the next chapter of your life! Do you look for a career in a similar field? Do you do a complete 180 and change your career aspirations entirely? Do you go back to university or take a free online class? The world is your oyster!

 

Reconnect with Old Passions

 

When we change careers, we often reflect on our past and what we did, or didn’t do, to reach our current position in life. This reflection can help us remember certain pursuits and activities we used to like, but ended up temporarily kicking to the curb to pursue our current career. Reconnecting with these old passions will help you to recognize that you have way more interests than just the ones you’re pursuing currently. Furthermore, it will help you to realize that there are other career options that might be a perfect fit for you.

 

Reevaluate Your Mental Health

 

One interesting positive that can come from a career change is a reevaluation of your mental health. While working in a career you dislike, you often don’t fully realize the negative effects it can have on your mental health. Stepping away will give you more time to reevaluate how you are doing and figure out the best way to rejuvenate your mental well-being. Also, this gives you an opportunity to think about switching to a career that’s better for your mental health, or at least think about how you can better handle your mental health while working.

 

After reading this blog, you still might be hesitant and afraid to change careers or consider changing careers. That’s totally okay and understandable: it’s not an easy decision. But don’t forget, there are just as many positive reasons for a career change as there are scary ones. Remember to look on the bright side!

 

Have you made a big career change in your life? Tell us about your decision and how it’s turning out in the comments or in person with a Low Entropy discussion group!

There and Back Again: On the Road to Change

Posted on by andrew

Andrew Woods, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Please note that this article contains brief references to substance use.

 

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett

 

From the day-in, day-out perspective, it’s difficult to discern where and when change occurs. Can there possibly be such a thing as change, as we maneuver through the minutiae of our daily lives?

 

Between grocery shopping, our studies, our household chores, our jobs, our family duties … between paying bills and scrolling through politically motivated Facebook memes … where does “change” fit in?

 

And yet, I look back 10 years (or more) and it becomes overwhelmingly obvious that so much has changed. It becomes almost alarming to observe the changes that I’ve undergone. 

 

I was what the nurses called “a frequent flyer.” I wasn’t the only one who had earned that honour, though. Many of “us” had become accustomed to cycling in and out of those hospital wards. I spent Christmases and birthdays there, walking aimlessly up and down the halls, staring blankly out the locked windows overlooking the grounds, chain smoking cigarettes out front with the other patients.

 

After every hospital discharge, I’d keep to the straight and narrow for a couple months, but I’d always find myself back where I started – flushing my prescribed meds and looking to score my drugs of choice.

 

And then I’d end up right back on the ward. 

 

That was my life, in a nutshell, for a good 10 years or so. And oddly enough, I was comfortable with it. After all, I had discovered an identity in that lifestyle. I had taken on various labels: bipolar, mentally ill, obsessive-compulsive, drug seeker, troubled youth … and I began to wear those labels with a sense of misaligned pride. I was caught in a landslide, grasping for anything that would yield some stability. And as a young adult, having a sense of identity offered a bit of steadiness, even when everything else was precariously unbalanced. Predictably, the more I attached to that sense of self, however distorted it was, the more complete I felt. 

 

I was told, early on in my recovery, that change is the only constant in life. Everything else is impermanent and variable … our jobs, our homes, our friends, our family … it’s all either coming or going. But what can absolutely be guaranteed is our own personal evolution. 

The unfortunate reality is, change is difficult. And often we put up a lot of resistance to it. 

Some of us, like myself, have had to hit rock bottom before deciding to embrace change.

 

I had to do something … different.

 

I didn’t really see any other alternative … I didn’t want to risk uncovering what was beneath rock bottom.

 

I went all in. Change or no change.

 

Exercise.

Diet.

Meditation.

Breathwork.

Social supports.

Therapy.

 

Taking on the challenge of modifying my every conditioned thought and behaviour was no easy task. In fact, it was an impossible task. I didn’t realize that true change would need to come from within, that it was a slow, painful process, and that I was in it for the long haul. Maybe that’s why change is so very difficult for us – because the journey to lasting change follows a steep and rocky road, and everyone falls down along the way. 

 

I certainly admit to falling down along this journey. Not just once … but many times I’ve fallen.  And perhaps in falling down I learned life’s most valuable lesson – always get back up.

 

Nowadays, my sense of identity has expanded beyond what I could’ve previously imagined. Not in an egoic, full-of-myself kind of way. But in a way that is conducive to healing, and living a better, more fulfilling life. There have been many lessons learned over the past several years, and admittedly … I learned some of those the hard way.

 

I emphasize, however, that embracing self-growth, and the journey along our own self-evolution … it isn’t some kind of chore like doing the dishes or folding laundry.

 

No, witnessing the myriad of ways in which we, as individuals, flourish through all of life’s challenges is by far the most rewarding experience available to us.

 

In fact, that is why we’re here.

 

That’s it.

 

To evolve, to grow, to nurture and thrive.

 

And it isn’t about moving from point A to point B, as if life is a roadmap with a destination marked in red ink.

 

Instead, I think our journeys through life often lead us right back to where we started, to a world that is strangely familiar, and relatively unchanged.

 

And we realize that it was never about changing the world.

 

It was about changing ourselves.

 

Practicing Self-Compassion to Improve Mental Health: My Personal Experience

Posted on by vwideski

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Vivien Hannos discusses how being kind to herself creates opportunities for personal growth and improved mental health.

It was 1980, on Valentine’s Day, when I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. I was only five years old. It was a life-altering diagnosis and the end of my childhood innocence. I had to learn how to administer my own shots of insulin and deal with both high and low blood sugar difficulties.

Low blood sugar reactions happen when there is not enough sugar in the bloodstream due to an excess of insulin. They cause me to become confused and shaky, and it is a life-threatening situation if I do not consume juice or sugar immediately. High blood sugar, on the other hand, is equally bad and, over time, can require limb amputation or result in kidney issues or blindness. 

My parents, at the time of diagnosis, thought that I needed to do a sport so that I would not lose my limbs to diabetic complications. My dad signed me up to learn to skate at Kerrisdale Arena, and that is where my love of skating started. It wasn’t long before I was wrapped up heavily in the competitive figure skating way of life. I practiced for hours and fell many times in my attempts to land new jumps so I could compete at a high level of skating.

Figure skating, being a subjective sport, relies on judges to determine the rankings of the competitors. I believe that over time, as a result of my disordered thinking of being judged continuously and my desperation to try to advance my ranking, I often examined myself in my attempts to fix my faults and gain a competitive edge. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was learning how to be too self-critical. For example, judges would look at how you behaved, what you wore, your facial expressions and how your body looked, and these were all factors in how one would place in rankings. I dwelt on my negative attributes daily and gave myself constant self-criticism.

According to Dr. Aaron T. Beck, the creator of cognitive behavioral therapy, depression can be caused by negative thinking. Therefore, spending a lot of time in a state of negative self-reflection as I did, can and did lead to an altered mood.

To make matters worse, severe depression, if left untreated, can cause a shift into psychosis, which leaves a person unable to tell what is real and not real while in that state. 

This is exactly what happened to me. I got sick with psychosis in 2006 after suffering unknowingly with depression for many years. At the time, leading up to the diagnosis and after already completing my university degree in communications, I was in a school that was training me for medical transcription and under a lot of stress, which put further strain on my brain.

This mental illness devastated me because of many factors. Not only was I humiliated to have a mental illness because of the stigma around mental health issues, but I also felt unlovable and rejected by society.

Psychosis is a serious mental illness, but is treatable with proper medication, which can bring the individual back into reality. As long as the medication is taken at an appropriate dosage, the state of being disconnected from society can be rectified. However, all you hear in the news are stories of people who are violent with mental illness. This is actually quite rare, but stigma remains.

I was brought under the careful watch of a psychiatrist, and with medication and talk therapy (cognitive behavioural therapy), I was told and shown that I was actually very hard on myself. This was the turning point.

I needed to change, and changing is very hard to do. It takes practice. I started to look at myself as imperfect beauty: I am beautiful because of the flaws that I have, not ugly because of my flaws. After retraining my brain to think in this manner by writing in my journal daily, I found that relationships were easier to maintain, and my confidence in myself grew.

I also found that allowing myself to make mistakes frequently, without judging myself, helped as well. It wasn’t long before I noticed that my mood was improving. My mood was further helped with an antidepressant, but the real benefit is from the positive self-compassion I have now.

Have you experienced your own journey toward self-compassion and kindness? Share your stories in the comments, or check out Low Entropy’s services for opportunities to spread positivity to others in a virtual meeting.