Tag: family

The Joys of Having a Pet

Posted on by andrew

Cassandra Di Lalla (she/her/hers) , Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

If my pet is offering love and care . . . I always take them up on that offer! But I always make sure it’s reciprocated and I also want to ensure they’re comfy and content in return. 

As someone who struggles immensely with mental health, having my pets comfort me is an important part of my everyday life. 

My furry friends are more than just a companion—they’re part of my family and boy are they so much more than just a cute face or a snuggle buddy too!

I’m sure all of you are dying to know about my furry friends so here you have it before anything else . . . there’s Zoey, Deena, and Marley. Zoey is a Siberian Husky/Akita Inu mix, Deena is a Tabby cat, and Marley is a Shih Tzu/Corgi/Mini Poodle mix. 

Yes, it’s a busy household filled with fur and fun . . . sometimes muddy paws but that’s okay too!

My pets are very intelligent girls and they’ve got an incredibly special ability when it comes to being the support system I want and need. These soft and furry little beings sense when something’s wrong and they come straight to my rescue, wagging their tails, racing over to me with their little snack sized paws, etc. 

I’m sure there are many of you who feel that using the “baby voice” with your pets seems more gentle and sensitive (not to mention, more engaged in conversation with them) but in reality, they’re thinking, “What the heck is that noise? Why are you squealing at me, mom?” Yeah, well . . . been there, done that and—GUILTY—I’m still doin’ it. But in fairness, if I were to put myself in their paws (or shoes ’cause that’s a thing), I’d have probably wondered why I sound like that too.

I just have so much love for these furballs and let’s be honest, sometimes we don’t even know what to do or say in order to express our gratitude towards them or our sheer happiness we feel seeing them just be themselves. Their quirks, different personalities, the way they place or fold their paws, the way they take up your personal space but you have to be okay with it because you’ve accepted life as a pet parent, etc. 

Owning a pet is so rewarding but we seem to forget how truly special it is because we get caught up in our own wants and needs. We immerse ourselves in things that are sometimes not the best for us, yet, if you take a look at your dog giving you those puppy dog eyes, all they want are the simple things in life and they are often free. A great example of this would be your time; your dog might simply want to spend time with you whether that be playing, going for a walk, lounging next to you, watching TV with you or even learning new tricks or obedience training.

Most dogs have an abundance of energy and some can probably even run marathons so it’s only natural for them to want to run around or at least be engaged in some sort of mind and body stimulation. Your dog also loves when you talk to them so even though you two communicate differently, make a point of talking to your dog everyday in whatever way you communicate best with them whether that’s speaking a human language or a form of canine language. 

Now, if you look at cats, I’m sure we can all agree that they’re more independent; however, that doesn’t mean your cat cannot help you on your journey to mental wellness. My cat has a very distinct way of saying hello to me every morning by meowing endlessly as if I’ve been ignoring her for a year, and running back and forth from the hallway to the dog bed (yes, the dog bed where her two sisters sleep) back to to the hallway . . . all while still meowing. She’ll hop, prance, and pounce on you without a single care and with total disregard of the fact that you’re either busy doing something or that her nails are sharp. But that’s okay, because, apparently she’s the boss . . . she makes herself heard.

Throughout the day, she likes to check up on me by stepping on my stomach and whacking me with her tail or if I’m in my office, she will gladly climb onto my chair and sit right where my head is (thank you Deena, for so generously deciding to stick your bum where my eyes and mouth are). She will bow her head and purr, which I have come to learn is something cats do to show you they trust you and highly respect you, so I am totally okay with that and, I too, respect her. It’s just funny that we as humans cannot dare put our behinds anywhere near their face without them looking highly offended and perplexed. But what can you do? I have accepted my life as a fur mom for a reason. 

Had a bad day? You have free therapy waiting for you at home. Need a laugh? No worries, the pets have you covered with their constant shenanigans. Need to have a good cry? Let it rain, friends! They will help combat your sadness. Feeling under the weather? They’ll be there to comfort you whether you like it or not because they don’t like seeing you sick. Are you in pain physically, mentally, or both? Let them use their healing powers because otherwise, they’re miserable when you’re not well.

The love and care that my two dogs and cat have for each other and for me never ceases to amaze me. They are the sweetest, most loving creatures with the ability to sense when something is wrong or if you’re not feeling right. And yes, I talk to them about my problems because they don’t talk back . . . they’ll give you their paw or they’ll bump you with their head. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you’re providing them with the love and care they want, need, and deserve but it’s also so relieving knowing that your fur friends are loyal and are there to stay with you until the end.

–

Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create. 

My Four Anchors

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Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

On the 29th of June 2020 I made a promise, and it was that I was going to live for my family, if not for myself. It was a conscious decision that I made entirely on my own when I hit rock bottom for the 30th time. I thought that I would use them as a beacon to drive me forward when hope in myself was scarce. I understand that saying my family is a replacement for hope is kind of cheesy, but in my case it is the truth. As such, there are four people in my life who keep me anchored to the ground in times when I want to fly away. 

 

The first is my mom. She is the one who gave me life, after all. She is the reason I understand the concept of unconditional love, because she has watched her own flesh and blood fall into the lowest form of despair countless times and she has stuck by me, even at possible detriment to her own well-being. My mind can’t begin to process what it must be like for a mother to watch the child she brought into this world, through no fault of her own, want to disappear off the face of it just because her little girl doesn’t believe she is worth it. I want to take this moment to thank my mother for her unwavering strength and her support, as I haven’t made it easy for her. I also want to thank her for taking me to countless physiotherapy and counseling appointments and staying by my side during the hospital stays. But most of all, I want to thank you for seeing me and doing everything you can to understand my mental health in the times when your hugs couldn’t comfort me. 

 

The second is my father, who sadly lost his battle to cancer in 2014, and like my mother, was a big believer in staying strong amidst a whole lot of obstacles. There was a saying he used to repeat to me when I would get insecure about my handicap: “Left side, strong side.” This basically meant that I was strong enough to overcome anything life could throw my way. Naturally, I can become upset thinking about the important milestones he missed and will continue to miss, but on the other hand, it is because my father lived his life to the fullest despite being taken from us way before his time that I have to attempt to live for him. I can’t say for sure that I will live as honestly and courageously as he did because I am not my father, however I can honor his memory by being who I am and spending time with the loved ones he left behind.

 

The third is my twin sister, because she is my laughter in the silence. She is always there to cheer me up when I feel low, and I know no matter what happens I can always count on her. She was the one who stopped taking a test and chased after me when I left school crying my eyes out. Even in the times when we are apart, all I have to do is call or text her and she will be there, whether it’s in person or not. We may go through our own challenges in life, but I know she loves me and she knows I love her, because I’m a weirdo and tell her all the time. All I could ever ask of her is to never change, because she is exactly what I need; I couldn’t ask for a better version of me. 

 

The last is my brother, and to me he is the embodiment of the drive you can have when you put your heart into something. The way he strives for goals and results is inspiring! We may not agree on everything, but I know deep down he has my best interests at heart, so thank you for pushing me harder when I push back.

 

To sum it up, I wouldn’t be here without my family, and I don’t know how I could ever begin to repay them, but hopefully this is a start.

 

P.S. To Buddy, my fluffy puppy, I didn’t forget about you. Thank you for never leaving me alone for a second and showering me with love! 

 

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My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am an English major and aspiring author hoping to bring more positive awareness to disabilities and mental health.

Happy Holidays?

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Emma Quackenbush (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

For some, December 25th represents significant time with family and friends and includes long-standing traditions and rituals. For others, the holidays can be challenging. I, like many, live away from my family. My immediate family lives thousands of kilometres away. This year on Christmas Eve, while my family shared COVID rapid test results and feasted on seafood, I was home wondering if my work would continue after Christmas or not, with another COVID-related shutdown looming. My family tries their best to include me in celebrations, but nothing will replace being there in person. In my experience, many things about Christmas, while pleasant, feel routine but not necessarily merry or bright.

 

I chose to live in my city, far from family, only because I got a job here. I work in a highly competitive industry, so you basically go where the job is. It is cold, the days are short around the winter solstice and it has a culture that I find unrelatable. I am puzzled by people who have grown up here who believe it’s the best place on earth. They embrace the numerous quirks and seem to love suffering cold winters (“At least it’s a dry cold!”) only to luxuriate in mosquito-riddled summers. Maybe you have to have been born here to understand the draw. 

 

I have always felt like an outsider here. That feeling intensifies over the holidays because my work schedule doesn’t allow for time off around the holidays. I see everyone around me getting excited to put up decorations and begin their holiday traditions, but each time someone asks me what my plans are, I feel further alienated from this place and this season. I don’t have an answer that feels genuine to me. 

 

Instead, I feel the financial pressure to buy and exchange gifts. I feel social pressure to have a home decorated just so, attend parties and gatherings and imbibe more than I would otherwise. I feel the emotional pressure to connect with family and friends in some significant way while still balancing one of the busiest times of the year at work. 

 

As I get older, I have learned to set more and more boundaries around these pressures. I’ve learned to say no to food and drink that I know will make me feel off-balance physically. I’ve discovered that the busy work schedule is an excellent excuse for declining invitations, and fortunately, my family and friends understand, or at the very least have accepted, that they will most likely not receive a gift from me. These boundaries help me keep in check with my physical, mental and emotional well-being. Still, I always feel like something is missing.

 

The practice of setting my boundaries has made it difficult to create my own holiday traditions. Most years, I feel like I’m in survival mode. I am more focused on maintaining a healthy balance than planning activities, baking or decorating. I’ve learned to focus my energy on what makes me feel fulfilled and honours my mind, body and soul. That focus looks different from year to year. Still, those things include a lot of self-care, like drinking enough water, exercising, keeping up my writing practice and centring my energy on genuine connections rather than peripheral ones. 

 

Over the years of separation from my family, I’ve discovered that if I don’t create space to establish holiday routines, no matter how large or small, I will easily be swept up into someone else’s vision of the holidays. I’ve always appreciated people reaching out to include me in their events and traditions; however, by accepting these invitations, I’ve found myself putting on a façade and conforming to other people’s expectations. 

 

December 25th, in many ways, is just another day. If you don’t have a family structure where long-held traditions prevail, that’s ok. Maybe there is just as much value in writing yourself a letter to check in and pouring a cup of tea before climbing into bed early.

 

For those who come from big, happy families who embrace each other’s differences and have found ways to celebrate all together, I applaud you. However, the holidays can be difficult, even in the best of circumstances. I long to find a way to create my own traditions, and I know the only way I can do that is by cultivating my well-being. So if you invite me for dinner next year and I respond by saying, “I respectfully decline,” don’t take it personally. I guarantee: it’s not you, it’s me.

 

—

 

Emma Quackenbush is a freelance writer, professional cellist and educator whose focus is on the mind-body connection. Holding a master’s degree from the University of Michigan, Emma has worked in the orchestra field in North America for over a decade. Outside of writing and music, Emma lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba, where she struggles to stay warm in the winters and finds any occasion she can to travel to more temperate climates.

There for You

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Tristan Goteng (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

The hit Fast & Furious saga is filled with thrills, adventure and action. It clearly gives the message that perhaps dealing with evil mafias, driving supercars over 100-meter-tall cliffs and being a priority on the FBI wanted list may not be the greatest idea. However, a deeper, truer message is impactfully showcased throughout all the movies, and that is the importance of family. 

 

What is a family? It is a simple term, but what actually counts as one’s family? Well, a family is composed of people whom you can trust. They are there for you when you need them the most. They care for you and support you in anything you do. But most importantly, they love you. It is so important to have these people by your side as you travel the journey of life to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way. A family doesn’t have to be just relatives, it can be really close friends, teachers, co-workers or, really, anybody who you believe will be there for you. 

 

Trust me, I know that, at times, it may feel like there is no one looking out for you. That you are lonely and don’t have family who are there for you. But, just as the golden rule states, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” Meet people, talk to them, care for them, and I assure you that a good, loving family will be there for you, whether you need them or not. A family goes two ways. When you encounter obstacles, they will guide you and watch your back for you. However, when your family has run into trouble, help them out as well. It creates a stronger bond, and a larger, wholer sense of joy and trust between yourself and your family. 

 

My family consists of my parents, close relatives and friends, both inside and outside of my school community. As a grade 11 student, I face numerous challenges and stressful situations. These include university applications, schoolwork, after-school activities and many other responsibilities. I am positive that I am not the only one who has these problems too. Maybe not exactly the same, but nevertheless issues that, frankly, stop us from enjoying life. However, my family has proved time and time again that they are there to help me overcome these setbacks. Their constant support, enthusiasm and advice has motivated me to keep moving forward so their sacrifices for me will be worth it. That brings me to the next point.

 

Cherish your family. It may not be visible on the outside, but your family might be sacrificing a lot for your success. At bare minimum, they spend their time and effort on your cause. At most, it could be large sums of financial resources, pride or valuable possessions. Make sure you give back to them, and be grateful for what they have done. Always, and I cannot stress this enough, remember your roots, where you come from and who was originally there. Because this is where you started, and without a start, you can never finish and achieve your goals. 

 

—

 

My name is Tristan Goteng, and I am currently a high school student studying at St.George’s Senior School. I love writing and helping others overcome common obstacles that block us from growing!

Taking Care

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Emily Iorio (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

When I think back to my earliest memories, I often wonder if I’ve dreamt them into existence. Memories so lapsed that they appear to me as blurred colours, as scents or feelings. I remember spending afternoons hanging off my mother’s legs as she spoke to the neighbour, Debbie. I can recall the vibrant colours of her skirt and the smell of the hot driveway asphalt as I ran circles around her feet, peeking through her legs at Debbie’s perfectly manicured lawn. I remember racing across the hall to my parents’ bedroom after waking from a bad dream, the feeling of refuge under their heavy beige duvet (because even the most relentless of monsters couldn’t get me under there). No matter how foggy the memories, I never forget the feeling of safety in the presence of loved ones. From my earliest memories, I was cared for – deeply. 

 

Let me begin by acknowledging how fortunate I was for the childhood I reminisce about. I grew up in a home with a wonderful family who loved me tremendously, and for that I am grateful. But as many of us do, I took for granted that feeling of security, of knowing that someone would always be there to make calm of my chaos. Even as I matured into adulthood, I looked to my parents for advice – after all, who really knows anything about winter tires or taxes? No matter how sticky a situation I found myself in, my parents had a way of reassuring me that all would be okay. That speeding ticket or ex-boyfriend wouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of my existence.

 

I suppose I was naïve in my belief that I had decades of trial-and-error left ahead of me, with my parents there to pick up the pieces. My mid-twenties panned out quite differently than I had hoped. One by one, my older brother, mother and step-father were diagnosed with terminal illnesses, each of them requiring a significant amount of care.

 

This threw my world into chaos, into entropy, if you will. The hierarchy I trusted no longer existed, and I felt I had no one to confide in to ensure I stayed afloat. With so much on everyone’s plate, there was no room to entertain my mundane tribulations. I stayed afloat nonetheless because my options were to sink or swim. What mattered was looking after my family, a brand-new, full-time commitment that prompted me to quit my job in order to be a present caretaker and to spend more cherished moments with the ones I loved before they were gone.

 

Perhaps you can relate. And if you can, I am incredibly sorry. The pain and trepidation of caring for an ill parent is unexplainable. All of a sudden, the unwavering individuals who held your hand through summertime scraped knees, academic failures and gut-wrenching heartbreak, are helpless – unable to act as the safety you’ve always relied on.  

 

There is something incredibly unsettling and downright scary about physically caring for a parent. Especially as a young caretaker. Accidently hurting my parents or being unable to understand their needs were very real fears of mine. Seeing the fear that my parents expressed caused me to spiral at times. I figured that if they were fearful, I certainly should be as well. Putting on a brave face was no easy feat. There were arguments, frustrations and miscommunications almost constantly. We memorized hospital hallways, morning and bedtime bathroom routines, and the monotonous alarms that signified an empty IV bag. There was lost sleep, emergencies and countless mistakes. 

 

But above all else, there was a mutual, deep appreciation. 

 

Amid the fear and unknown, I felt especially grateful for the opportunity to show my family the love and security that they have always shown me. When it came to gratitude, we left nothing unsaid – although there were days where gratitude manifested in defeated glances, tears and half-smiles.

 

It is curious to me why I was destined to be a caretaker. What I do know is that my capacity for empathy and compassion has become my most honourable trait. The wisdom of my mother’s last months, the courage of my brother’s final moments and the way my step-father approached his situation with his strong will and humour will sit with me for the rest of my life. The memories of these days will grow foggy, and to be quite honest, I hope they do. But unwavering in recollection will always be the gratitude I feel for what I was able to provide my mother, step-father and brother – the comfort of that heavy beige duvet during what felt like a nightmare we’d never wake from. A place where even the most relentless of monsters couldn’t get them. Safe in my presence, and cared for – deeply. 

 

—

Leave your thoughts for Emily in the comments below — better yet, start up a dialogue with the Low Entropy community in person at a Conscious Connections meeting or online at our community site. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

Duties of the Eldest Sibling

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Florence Ng (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

As the eldest daughter in an Asian immigrant family, a lot of my personal journey has been trying to discover and rediscover who I am as an individual. Specifically, defining myself outside of my relationships. I find that one of the most difficult things the world asks of me is to be the protagonist in my own story.

 

Over the years, I’ve met many people like me: classic people-pleasers, perfectionists and people who don’t know how to service themselves in the same way they service others. Of the many people I’ve met, and among my closest friends, I find it interesting, yet not altogether surprising, that many of these take on elder sibling or even parental roles in their family systems. There seems to be a similarity in the way our anxieties manifest and in the way we wrestle with what we owe others and what we owe ourselves. We are content to play supporting roles and uplift others while putting ourselves aside over and over.

 

Those like me have spent lifetimes learning how to draw boundaries while trying to hold onto our self-worth. It isn’t easy, as I’ve come to find, when you grow up learning that love is conditional and must be earned. Boundaries seem impossible to navigate, because failing to stretch ourselves over the canyon for others to safely walk over us feels selfish. We learn that we must be self-sacrificing in our roles, putting the family system first before ourselves, and we learn that the act of saying no is rebellion, and rebellion creates tension. The lasting effects of all this can be traumatic. 

 

I confess that there are times I’m afraid to trust, to simply accept any love that comes my way at no cost. In those times, I remind myself that the world is not always as we perceive it to be. I am worthy of the care that I give to others, and I deserve the same kindness that I think everyone else deserves. 

 

If you find yourself in a similar camp, you are not alone. Even if you do not have a parental role in your family but feel the weight of such responsibilities on your shoulder, I am certain there is an army of us behind you.

 

I have to tell you this: we are among the most resilient in the world. We’ve spent our lives adapting, expanding and contracting, moving like liquid through every trial. To quote Brené Brown in Braving the Wilderness:

 

The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It’s the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid—all in the same moment. A wild heart can also straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle of the world, while also cultivating its own moments of joy.

 

Learning to straddle this tension hasn’t been easy. The struggle to achieve the highest good for others and for ourselves might feel impossible and never-ending. 

 

Even so, we’re trying.

 

For that, I’m proud of us!

 

—

 

Hello! My name is Florence, and I’m an educator, storyteller, traveller, avid board game collector and curious, lifelong learner, among many other things. I’m passionate about human connection and mental well-being, and I love meeting new people! 

Leave your thoughts for Florence in the comments below — better yet, start up a dialogue with the Low Entropy community in person at a Conscious Connections meeting or online at our community site. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

Staying Centered in a Time of Family

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Pavleen Badhesa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

The holiday season is approaching and there is excitement in the air, as many prepare for family functions, community events and winter activities. Amidst all the excitement, the season can be overwhelming for many, including myself. Family obligations can be major contributors to this feeling of being overwhelmed. This magical season allows many of us to spend more time with family. However, this time can also bring pressure, as we try to allocate time for family duties. To best support yourself, implement the five guiding principles below: 

  • Ensure your happiness.

 

In any family event or activity, make sure you are going in with a healthy mindset. With all the pressures and obligations ingrained in us to serve others, we tend to forget to check in with ourselves and our own happiness levels. Give yourself a quick break and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Whether that be something in your relationship with a family member or a five-minute personal breather, take the time to check in and ensure your happiness is being fulfilled. 

  • Participate in what you want.

 

In many family relationships, you may feel you have a duty to participate in activities and/or conversations that you do not particularly enjoy. These unpleasant situations are not necessarily a family obligation. Instead, try to have open discussions about starting traditions that suit you. There are many family activities that are traditional, and some traditions should be kept alive, but also allow yourself to experiment with new ones that you might enjoy more. 

  • Allow yourself to rest.

 

Ensure you are taking the time to recharge and rest, as family obligations and events may be draining. I know for myself this is necessary, as I am introverted and need time to charge my social battery. We all love our friends and family, but it is okay to need time away to rest up and bring our best selves back. 

  • Try to learn something new. 

 

Use the time with family as an opportunity to learn something new from a loved one! Growing up with our families, we may forget that those in our lives have a plethora of skills and experiences they can share with us, whether it is a recipe you have always enjoyed from family dinner or a card trick your grandpa used to perform for you. Anything small or big has the power to foster connection and allow you to enjoy time with your loved ones. 

  • Be present. 

 

Sometimes, when we are running around and trying to get everything done for everyone, we are not actually helping anyone. The core value underlying all family events and get-togethers is being present with each other and connecting. Focus on trying to clear the stresses and worries out of your mind, even if only for five minutes. The clarity will allow you to be present and feel the energy around you, and maybe even see your loved ones in a new way. 

 

Family obligations and duties vary in expectations and delivery for each family. The time spent with your family should spark joy, connection and relaxation. Implementing the five tips above will encourage these results, while allowing you the time to take care of yourself. I hope everyone has an amazing winter season filled with love, connection and hot chocolate!

 

—

 

Leave your thoughts for Pavleen in the comments below — better yet, start up a dialogue with the Low Entropy community in person at a Conscious Connections meeting or online at our community site. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

With All Due Respect

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Julia Magsombol (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

“Youth are supposed to be society’s tomorrow, but that’s all gone now. Youth are horrible and disrespectful. You can never expect anything from them.” 

 

A shocking line, isn’t it? It’s a line that I hear from different elders at every family gathering. Many young people may have heard it as well. And let’s all admit it: it’s tiring. 

 

I grew up in a very conservative family. My family and relatives are all strong believers in our culture, and they strongly maintain traditions. Trust me, I have seen enough of our elders trying to judge and provoke younger people. It’s wonderful to listen to elders and to let them guide us, but their lectures can sometimes be difficult to handle. 

 

Depression? It’s because you don’t have religion.

 

Last two years ago, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety because of school and personal problems at home. My face completely changed from before, when I was mentally stable. In the middle of winter, I was with my mom and we both went to a small grocery store. I didn’t look good. I was wearing an old hoodie and jogging pants. My mom knew all the people there who loved to gossip. The moment I entered the store, I could feel all the elderly women staring at me and talking amongst themselves. They said one thing to me: “You’re probably not okay because you have no God to believe in.”

 

The moment when those women said that to me, I was confused. I was a very religious person then. How could they criticize my belief and religion, just because I didn’t look good during that time?

 

When things sometimes don’t work in our lives, we can’t expect our religion to remove all our problems. It works for some people, but not for everyone. That’s one of the things that some elders should understand.

 

Sometimes, weight matters all the time.

 

As an Asian woman, our weight matters all the time. We should never gain weight and become fat. We are told that being fat is ugly and that no man could ever like us. My grandma used to tell my cousin to never get fat because it’s wrong and ugly. I clearly remember how my cousin became very conscious of her weight then and started eating less. She was only nine then. Sometimes weight does indeed matter. But remember, while weight may matter to some, it doesn’t have to matter to us too. We should never judge someone by their weight. We can eat what we want. We can be healthy. We can be ourselves. We don’t need to be skinny or have a specific weight for people to like us. We can appreciate ourselves for whoever we are. 

 

Your dreams do not matter. Mine do. 

 

We often hear from elders or parents that art or degrees that do not involve a doctorate or engineering are worthless. I dropped my dreams once. I hope others won’t do that just because their elders said so. It may sound a cliché, but we only live once. Life is too short to live for somebody else. It may be hard to achieve our dreams, but we should never surrender them because of others. We should still pursue them.

 

Stop discriminating against women. 

 

“Women are a disgrace.” 

Growing up as a woman in Canada made me realize how we are oppressed because of our gender and sexuality, and opened my eyes to the toxicity of our culture and family hierarchies. 

 

When I was growing up, I noticed how my uncles used to brag about how their sons were doing things that involved their sexuality. My relatives took these comments as jokes, but there was no such open conversation for women. 

 

I realized that there’s this belief from elders that women should not lose their virginity, but men should lose it right away. Women are constantly shamed for having sex, but men are always rewarded. Do those things matter? The concept of virginity should be gone, both for men and women. We should never be treated as lesser or greater because of our gender or sexuality.

 

You can never answer back. 

 

Lastly, younger people can’t respond to elders. It’s considered rude to talk back to elders, because they know better. Elders assume that when younger people answer back, it is a sign of disrespect. It isn’t. We are only expressing our opinions. 

 

Final thoughts: what should we do? 

 

Those are some of the brutal experiences I have experienced with elders, and there are more. How do we handle this kind of dysfunction? The answer is left for us to decide, but we should remember that mutual respect must come first.

 

—

 

Julia Magsombol is currently a journalism student from Edmonton, Canada, who desires to bring hope to people through her writing. When not writing or reading, you can catch her sewing clothes, painting nature and drinking instant coffee.

10 Rules to Survive Your European Family Christmas Party

Posted on by andrew

Anna Bernsteiner (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

If you haven’t noticed, Christmas is around the corner. The smell of freshly baked cookies in the air, Christmas movies on TV and merry music coming from the radio. Ho ho ho, it’s gonna happen. Have you gotten all the presents yet?

Now, it doesn’t matter if you are a Christmas person or not, you won’t get around this one essential event.

Major. Super important.

It’s Christmas family dinner.

Oh yes, I remind you that it is socially EXPECTED that you attend, at least where I come from. Let me tell you how to survive a European family party – and I should know, I have survived many.

Being a guest invited to a Christmas party is very very rare, so feel extra special to get a look behind the curtains of this European family spectacle.

 

First and foremost, imagine it like this: it’s all nicely decorated, with a freshly cut Christmas tree with chocolate umbrellas, swiss chocolate balls, lights and ornaments that all match together. Eighteen individually wrapped presents sit under the tree, including grandma’s knitted socks, homemade brioche braids as big as your arm that taste like heaven and traditional fruit bread that only tastes good with apricot jam, if you ask me. Placed around the tree are two big, long dining tables, too many chairs to count — someone unpacked the patio furniture to get additional seating arrangements. The mountain range outside is not snowy because of climate change but greyish, and if you squint your eyes enough it looks like snow! Oh, it’s Christmas time. 

 

But food is the priority. If you ask anyone at the table why they are here, they will jokingly answer with, “Well, just for the food,” then laugh as if they’ve just made a really funny joke before conceding, “No, no, it’s so good to see you all.” 

Of course, this is all spoken in a language that even Google Translate doesn’t understand, so the FBI can’t listen in either. 

As I said, food is the absolute center of every European family. Why? Europeans love their food. They actually invented quite a lot of it, if you think about it. The Italians invented pasta, the Germans their sausages, the French their baguettes, the English well, baked beans for breakfast I guess, the Austrians the croissant . . . yes you read that right, Google it please, it’s true. Just a fact to throw in during your family dinner for distraction in case you need it 🙂 You are welcome. 

 

But let me just quickly give you an idea of why food is such an important part. First of all, we are talking about . . . Delicious. Homemade. European. Food . . . that a little kind grey-haired grandma just made by herself all morning long. With herbs that she froze from her own garden and eggs from the neighbor’s chickens, milk from the cows next door . . . you get the picture. You won’t ever taste anything like it. 

And that’s why everyone keeps showing up. But not just for the main dish. The desserts even get a separate little table.

Five — and I swear I am not exaggerating— ginormous cakes, each prettier than the last, are presented there in silent competition. Traditional chocolate cake, of course, next to something with lots of heavy cream, sugar, ladyfingers and rum. I won’t even bother describing it cause I could never do it justice. 

It’s always cake at this family party. After all, we love our pastries. 

 

And, as we are on the topic, I do believe every family has some basic types of characters attending their parties. The one uncle who always starts with politics and gets everyone into a heated discussion. The aunt that keeps pouring wine into everyone’s glasses without asking. A bunch of people sitting at the side not participating, the drunk cousin, and someone who just sits and observes all evening. And this observer is me. I know exactly how to survive that 6+ hour party. Trust me, you are in good hands. 

 

Rule Number 1: Start with staying in the background when entering the room, so you don’t have to shake 30 hands while making small talk about the weather and how much weight aunt Lilly lost. No, stay back, say hello to the people you sit with, and move on to Rule Number 2: Look for someone with good stories to get some laughs in. But remember Rule Number 3: Never make yourself the center of attention at this family party. 

 

Rule Number 4: The best tactic is to try and be first in line when it’s time to eat. Talk to grandma and casually wait until she announces that food is ready. There are 30 starving people behind you waiting, so you better put all you can on that plate and eat it. If you don’t eat it, somebody else will. 

 

Rule Number 5: Next, only one of the five cakes can be the most delicious. Figure out which one it is. Hire a cousin to help you taste test. Then cut a slice or two. Enjoy. 

 

Rule Number 6. The noise, you have to understand, will be astronomical. Prepare to be deaf for an hour after. The uncle discussing politics will start eventually, and you’d better be prepared for some real hardcore rock concert noise. These people have very loud voices to start with so imagine having to hit the table with your fist in order to get anyone’s attention. 

 

Rule Number 7: That takes me to my next point — sit somewhere where you can easily escape. Not right in the middle, next to relatives who can talk louder than a fire alarm. As I said, you don’t want to be the center of attention at any family party, and especially not with 29 relatives surrounding you. And the reason for that is simple: they know things about you that even you don’t know. 

 

Rule Number 8: In case you want to leave, don’t announce it or you won’t leave at all. Trust me, there will suddenly be so much to discuss about your life, childhood experiences and embarrassing moments. Which brings us to Rule Number 9: This is the reason why no one ever brings guests. 

 

There is an unspoken rule: Never bring a new boyfriend or girlfriend to family dinner unless the person can handle pressure, loud noises, screaming and answering questions to the satisfaction of a bunch of Europeans who all don’t agree with each other on anything but food. If you are vegetarian don’t come at all, or keep it a secret. Just don’t reveal too much while they pick you apart. 

 

And Rule Number 10: Come prepared! Have a drink or two beforehand, plan an excuse to leave and someone to pick you up, and grab as many chocolate umbrellas and swiss chocolate balls as you can before departing. 

 

And that’s it! Follow these rules and you are going to be alright and will easily survive any family party, unless . . .

Unless you are THE black sheep in the family. 

Then I just have one thing to say to you . . . Run. 

 

But this is all of course just a story, not at all based on actual people . . . well . . . who am I kidding, they can’t read this anyway. 

 

I hope your family party will be just as entertaining, with great food and great company — hopefully a little quieter, but just as jolly!

 

—

 

Hi, I’m Anna, I’m a student and I write blogs for Low Entropy. In my free time I like to explore new countries and cultures, try new foods, languages and meet new people, and I try to write interesting articles 🙂

Sibling Dynamics

Posted on by andrew

MacKenzie Chalmers (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

The traditional idea of family has changed through our transforming society. Blended families are now common, creating various kinds of siblings: 

 

Full Siblings: Siblings who share the same biological parents. 

 

Half-Siblings: Siblings who only share one biological parent between them. 

 

Step-Siblings: Siblings who are children of different parents who have married. These siblings are not biologically related.

 

Adopted Siblings: Individuals who are the biological children of someone else, but have been legally adopted into a family with other children. They are not biologically related to the children in the adopting family.

 

Foster Siblings: Individuals who are raised by someone who is not their parent, alongside that parent’s children. 

 

Regardless of the type of sibling you have, similar sibling dynamics can be experienced. You could be the sibling that feels forgotten or invisible. You could be the sibling that feels a duty to protect the younger one. You could be the sibling that demands attention, or wants the attention to disappear. A sibling can be your best friend in life or your worst enemy. You may love spending time with them, or fight against them for everything. 

 

The evolution of siblings’ relationships over time can be represented in four general ways: 

 

  1. You are close when you are older, and distant when you are younger.
  2. You are close when you are younger, and distant when you are older.
  3. You have always been close growing up and as adults.
  4. You have never been close growing up and as adults.

 

In earlier years, the difference in age between siblings can significantly affect sibling relationships. A larger age gap can create distance between siblings, as you may lack shared experiences in the present.

 

Siblings who are very close in age, on the other hand, may struggle due to experiencing the same milestones at the same time. You may fight constantly, as both of you are living under the same roof or even share a room with one another, creating a lack of privacy and space. Tension might build, and all you might want is to be away from one another.

 

When siblings transition into adulthood, the dynamic can change. Both of you have left the family home and are in the process of forming new lives for yourselves. If you were close when you were younger, the process of post-secondary school, working new jobs, meeting new people and forming a new family can create a distance between siblings as communication decreases. In other cases, siblings can grow closer with age. You are not living together, and are able to enjoy each other’s company when you both desire. You can experience life on your own and get a new perspective on the other sibling when you do not have to see them every day. You can miss them now. Growing up, you may feel boxed in with your sibling, but now you might want to hear about their lives and ask them for their opinion and advice about situations you are both experiencing.

 

Age differences seem to be less noticeable as adults, and you can more easily bond over common interests and common experiences. Friendships can be formed despite age gaps.

 

The dynamic between siblings can be progressions of friendship, fighting, love and attention-seeking. They can be ever-changing relationships that should not be feared. If you are worried about the state of your relationship with your sibling – especially as adults – communication is key. There are many ways to communicate digitally if face-to-face is not possible. Video chatting and instant messaging are great tools. Pick up the phone and call them. You can be traditional and send them a hand-written letter. Let them know you are thinking of them.

 

Regardless of the state of your relationship with your sibling, they likely most understand your life, as they grew up with similar family dynamics. If it is possible to maintain a positive dynamic with your sibling, you’ll have a life-long friend with an irreplaceable familial bond. 

 

—

 

MacKenzie is a digital media enthusiast with interests in various aspects of media. She takes part in novel hunting, photo and video creating and creative writing.

Unloading Emotional Baggage: Family Friction

Posted on by andrew

Sejin Ahn (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

What comes to your mind first when thinking about the word “family”?

 

Is it a shelter for you where you can rest and gain fresh energy? Or is it a place you want to escape from? Family seems to have a simple, single definition at first glance. But in reality, it has various connotations that are often very opposite from each other, and its complexity can give individuals heavy emotional baggage.

 

Emotional baggage from family can become a tangled thread you cannot untangle, turning into an unwelcome, lifelong friend. It can impact your journey through life, taking the lead and determining which direction you go, as well as the decisions you make.

 

Even though carrying emotional baggage can be impactful, most people do not even recognize its presence, especially when they are young. Failure to lighten emotional baggage can trap people in a loop of anger, helplessness and regret.

 

One of the very common forms of emotional baggage from family is feeling guilty and full of regret. As this phenomenon becomes more pervasive within our society, having the emotional baggage naturally starts to be treated as normal that is acceptable.

 

Parents design their children’s future, taking care of tons of things from the tiny little parts of life to the biggest ones. People who decide not to take the road their parents carved can feel like betrayers who have abandoned their family, even though they are not.

 

Here are some tips to let go of emotional baggage from family:

 

  1. Ask yourself who you are

To be aware of the emotional issues you face, you should know who you are and where you stand. Be curious about yourself, because the best way to prepare a solution to a problem is knowing the part you play in the process.

 

  1. Learn how to release your negative emotions

Emotional baggage involves various negative feelings – stress, anger, anxiety, sadness, regret and guilt. There are many ways to release your negative feelings. Researching healthy ones that work for you will allow you to not only to gain new, positive energy, but also give you time to refresh your mind and relax.

 

  1. Have conversations with your family

It is important to face problems with family. In modern society, lack of conversation between family members is a serious issue. Without communicating, people don’t know what others think and cannot develop a solution that works for everyone.

 

  1. Do what you want and what makes you happy

The most important part of letting go of the emotional baggage from family is to be yourself. The top priority in your life needs to be yourself. If you find something that makes you happier than ever, go for it and do your best to achieve your dream. Do not let others take control of your life.

 

—

My name is Sejin Ahn and I was born in South Korea, where I was raised for 20 years. I am a communication major at Simon Fraser University. I love looking at the world from various perspectives!

Only You

Posted on by andrew

Bethany Howell (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I was asked a lot throughout my childhood what it was like to have no siblings. An answer couldn’t easily be formed. “Well,” I would say, “How am I supposed to know?” How could I? I had never known anything else. I found the question silly, like asking a fish what it’s like to swim. When truly trying to answer this question, however, I would say I enjoyed being an only child. Overall, I was quite happy growing up, getting all of the gifts and being showered with affection at my request. Most of the time, I loved being the center of attention and I loved all that was given to me from family. I loved the relatives that adored me – their first grandchild. More children came along, of course, from uncles and aunts, and I was no longer the only one, but I would always be the first in my grandparents’ eyes. 

 

However, there were times when I wished I had a sibling. I was given all the blame, all the brunt of my family’s burdens in my youth; this was the main reason I envied my peers, as they had siblings to push into the spotlight. I remember sitting alone while my parents were out, wishing I had  a sibling simply with whom to play board games and talk about crushes. I guessed that a close friend would do, but I was lacking that as well.

 

I was asked once or twice about why I am an only child and whether my parents had tried (and failed) to have more children. What a personal question that was, looking back, if not for me, for my mother. What if it were a medical condition? What if she only had me through extreme pain and suffering? Up until recently, I had believed my mom to have struggled with fertility in my youth, simply because of the number of times I had been told that that was probably the reason I was alone. Along with this, my father had told me it took years to have me – a lie to make me feel unworthy. He would hold above my head the pain my mother went through during labour, during childbirth, and dealing with an infant. I only realize as an adult that this too was manipulation and that he had never offered to help her. My father never truly raised me; my mother had raised me for the both of them, and that is something for which I look up to her.

 

For a long time, I did not plan on having children; I didn’t want to bring children into a bad world, and I realize now that is what my mother tried to avoid as well. But I also know that not having me would have been a waste of her love. Her role as a mother is one she took on with pride and with skill. Each day I think about all I am grateful for, and she is always at the top of my list. I see now that I too want to be like her. 

 

As I consider having children of my own, I ask myself the same question my mother was faced with – how many children should I have? My mother chose to not have another after me to save them from the pain that she found my father pushed onto me. I have no doubt in my mind that what she did was right. She did not want to bring someone into the world to feel pain. She, however, failed to account for another aspect of my early life – her influence. Her love for me was insurmountable and unimaginably vast. She saved me from so much, if not my father and my environment, then myself, and I love her more than I can express. I want to raise a child (or children), yes, in a world filled with inequality and pain, but in a bubble of my warmth and care. I want to adore my child(ren) the way I was adored. Though my younger self would disagree, life is worth the bad simply to experience the good and I would like to share that.

 

—

 

My name is Bethany Howell and I am a third-year university student majoring in psychology and minoring in family and child studies. I have a passion for writing and mental health and my ultimate goal since age 13 has been to make a difference in the world through helping others, which is how I ended up here at Low Entropy!

Twin B

Posted on by andrew

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

“What is it like being a twin?” is the question I get asked second-most often, after “What is it like being disabled while your sister is able-bodied?” Those questions are pretty loaded, so I just try to give the simplest answer I can: it’s not easy. From the moment you and your twin are brought into this world, you are labeled with the letters A and B, depending on which one of you made it out first. To most people, I am sure a simple hospital protocol like this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but I took this label to heart and wore it on my sleeve, telling myself it was my fate to be second best. Looking back on my 21 years, I see it had nothing to do with my sister and more to do with my own insecurities that couldn’t help but be fostered as I struggled with daily life as a girl with cerebral palsy.

 

Being a twin felt like being in a constant competition, but it was one where I was only playing against myself. I also want to make it clear that my sister is the most important thing in my life, and I can say that because she doesn’t hold my resentments against me. She knows that my life has extra challenges that I didn’t ask for, so instead of fighting against me in this pointless race, she takes care of me and makes me want to become the best version of myself. However, I would be lying if I said that traces of jealousy don’t still linger. How could they not? My sister said to me once, “Having a twin is like having another you roam the earth, and it’s almost like you are witnessing an alternate version of your life.”

 

We may have the same face, but that doesn’t mean everything is bound to match. It is because of our different circumstances that we were given our own personalities and interests. Thus, the things we got to experience in life were not even close to being a mirror image. For instance, when my sister got to ride her bike, I was doing my weekly physiotherapy, and in high school while she was eating lunch with her friends, I was leaving school to go to counseling for my depression and anxiety. All in all there were some really good moments and some that were really bad. I was so happy growing up with a built-in best friend to hang out with and then,when we got older, I was really sad when I could no longer tag along with her. She had made her own friends. I couldn’t just steal them away and she was doing activities that my social anxiety found challenging. 

 

In conclusion, I am still struggling with the same problems, like believing that she is better than me or that there are moments in life she will have that I feel can’t ever have, such as getting a boyfriend or driving a car. The important part is that I have learned to slowly quiet these thoughts of inadequacy, but it’s still a work in progress. I couldn’t say being a twin is hard for everyone, but I would hope that every twin learns to cherish the unbreakable bond they were blessed with, and just forget about the alphabet.

 

—

 

My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am a 21 year old English major at Capilano University with hopes of eventually writing YA novels and spreading disability and mental health awareness.

From Jamshedpur

Posted on by andrew

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Prateek Sur shares details of his childhood and surroundings in Jamshedpur, a small city in India, and how they both shaped his life and career.

 

The place where I grew up had an enormous effect on the way I think today as a mature adult. I grew up in the city of Jamshedpur, which is in the Indian state of Jharkhand. It used to be in the state of Bihar, until November 15, 2000 when the state was divided in two.

 

Jamshedpur is one of the very few planned cities in India, and the reason for that is it’s an industrial town. Two of the biggest companies in India, Tata Steel, and Tata Motors, have their biggest plants in this city. The entire district is a goldmine for minerals like iron ore, coal, copper, bauxite, etc. That’s primarily the reason why numerous industries were established in Jamshedpur and the adjoining cities over the past 100-plus years.

 

Growing up in such an industrial district, you invariably end up knowing a lot about minerals that are hidden deep inside our earth. You end up having a fascination for geography and minerals. That was probably why I loved the subject the most when in school. Even though I didn’t end up pursuing it as a career, I still have a fascination for the geography of the varied places I visit and read about. My wife always asks me what I do with that unnecessary information about a place that I might never end up visiting in my entire life. But I find reading books and watching shows about the lifestyle of varied cities from across the world helps me understand how people from different places behave, and what good things I can pick from their culture, which I can then incorporate into my life. I find pleasure in that.  

 

Also, I am a Bengali by birth. Bengalis are known to be readers and thinkers. That’s probably why, when I am on the public transport traveling to work, I am the only one who’s reading a book to while away the time while the rest are all glued to their smartphones. I enjoy reading a lot more, and I credit that to the zillions of books that I’ve read growing up. My dad is a voracious reader, and all through my childhood, I saw him reading a lot of books, which inculcated in me the same habit. This also resulted in me having a better hold on the English language and its grammar than any of my friends in school and college. That’s why I ended up being a writer, while most of my friends are either engineers, doctors or businesspeople.

 

Bengalis are also known for their inclination towards creative arts. In every Bengali family you will likely find that the son or the daughter is either enrolled in a singing or a dance class, or learning how to paint or play some instrument. My mom was a great singer and has a bachelor’s degree in music. She got me into singing as well, and I completed a bachelor’s degree in music as well. To this day, I enjoy singing songs and playing the keyboard whenever I have time. Plus, it is a great way to add life to the crowd during house parties.

 

In Jamshedpur, I was Bengali growing up in a predominantly Hindi-speaking society. This resulted in my Hindi being impeccable. That, coupled with my flair for writing, has led to me composing numerous poems in Hindi.

 

My parents were both bankers. Thus the value and importance of money were always instilled in my psyche, right from my childhood. I knew that money was important, and that it was a driving force to having a good life. They instilled in me the sense of wanting to be independent and the urge to make it on my own, without any nepotistic favours. I managed to do that, and I am proud of that fact. Whatever I do, I try to never short-change myself or my work.

 

Also, apart from music, my parents had a huge love for movies. That was passed onto me as I watched numerous films a week right through my childhood. I was watching and re-watching films not just from India, but across the world. That helped me develop a taste for good cinema. I managed to couple that with my love for writing, and today I write movie reviews for a number of print and online publications in India.

 

Finally, my love for living in the big cities emerged as I was growing up in Jamshedpur. It’s a very lousy town, to be honest, and the city shuts down pretty much by 8 p.m. I couldn’t hang out with my friends late in the evening if I wanted to, as nothing was open. It was during those years that I made up my mind that I wanted to live in big cities. Starting from going to college in Chennai to living for almost 10 years in Mumbai, and now being in the process of shifting over to Vancouver – I have always preferred big city life. The germ of that infatuation began to grow during my childhood in Jamshedpur.

 

In closing, I would like to say that where someone grows up has an immense effect on the way they end up living life as an adult. Right from the society within which they grew up to their parents’ backgrounds, to the city they grew up in – everything contributes to that person’s overall growth. All these things from my childhood have slowly and steadily impacted my adult life. You are a sum total of all that you’ve seen, felt and learned in your childhood.

 

What has stuck with you from your childhood? What environmental factors have shaped your life? Share your journey with us at a Conscious Connections meeting or in the comments below!

Alone This Time

Posted on by dev_team

As the matriarch and primary caregiver in her troubled family, Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Kathy Woudzia had her fill of responsibilities and challenges. These roles became her identity, and she was good at them. But what happens to a person when all that was familiar disappears, and they’re left to pick up the pieces left behind?

Please note that this article discusses substance use.

In this past year many changes have occurred in my life. Since I was 21 I’ve been a mother and wife. I’m 58 now and the kids have all left home. I never really understood the term “empty nest syndrome”, but I certainly understand that sentiment now. When I became a wife and mother that became my identity, how I defined myself. Because I became a mom at such a young age, I gave up a post-secondary education. Although I enrolled in online university courses for certifications in health and fitness studies and business, I never completed my degree. 

Over the years I held jobs as a bookkeeper, library technician and conference planner, but held no formal education in any of those areas. When I was 32 my marriage to my first husband and father of three children ended. He had struggled with alcoholism for years. Six years later I met my second husband, a professional, and at the age of 41, was blessed with my fourth child. Because his job was so demanding, we decided that I would primarily stay home, raise the kids and look after the household. 

In September 2015 my beautiful little granddaughter was born. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware that her mom, my daughter, and her partner were addicted to opioids. My granddaughter was born addicted to opioids and needed to be slowly weaned off over the course of one month. Because my daughter and her partner were ill-equipped to care for her in a safe and responsible way, I was compelled to resign my on-call position with the Richmond School District as a library technician and begin to care for my first grandchild. Later, my daughter would move in with my husband while she was recovering from her opioid addiction. 

Many addictions include relapses, and that was the case with my daughter and her partner. For three years I was not only the wife of my husband and mother to one teenager still living at home, but I became a 24-hour on call caregiver to my daughter, her partner and my granddaughter. My days were overfilled with family obligations. I couldn’t wait to have some alone time!

Throughout my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s I have been parenting with little to no regard for self-improvement in areas outside of family. I devoted so much time to them that I failed at keeping old friendships or starting new ones. When my daughter was in recovery and went back to her position as a science teacher, I spent my days caring for my granddaughter, cooking, cleaning, shopping and working out. That was my life minute-to-minute, day-to-day, year-to-year. It is amazing how quickly the days turned to years and the years turned to decades. I had no profession outside of being a professional wife and mother.

Then, in 2018, things began to spiral downhill. On April 22, 2018, my daughter, mother of my granddaughter, died of an accidental opioid overdose. Suddenly my world was turned upside-down. The loss of my eldest daughter was devastating and I missed her dearly. When she passed away I also lost my granddaughter because she moved to Vancouver Island to be with her dad, who was recovering there with his family.

Initially, the lack of constant attending to others was a welcome one as I was fatigued with caring for so many people and having so little time to myself. Now it was just my 17-year-old daughter, who barely needed me and my husband to look after her. I filled my days with shopping and working out with some new friends I had made after the loss of my daughter. I enrolled in a writing course with New York University and began writing about my daughter. Then another blow. My only sibling, my brother, died of complications due to alcoholism. Another devastating loss exactly one year to the date my daughter had passed. 

Six months after my brother passed I began struggling with mental health problems of my own. I began experiencing bipolar symptoms. I was admitted to a hospital for one month in January 2020. When I was released from the hospital my husband had moved out of our home. Soon after, my husband had officially left me, my daughter went to university and I found myself completely alone.

The old parable, “the grass is always greener on the other side” is certainly true in my case. From wishing for alone time to longing for the busy days where I didn’t have a minute to myself, I have now realized I do not enjoy my time on my own. Not having developed many hobbies (outside of writing and exercising) or friendships, I often find myself very lonely and depressed. Because my job was professional wife and mother, I now find my life significantly vacant of activities I used to enjoy.

For the past four decades, a constant flurry of activity gave me a sense of purpose. In the absence of a husband or children to care for, I have now lost my identity. In raising my children, I was propelled by a desire to ensure my children transitioned to successful adults. In my mind, I was convinced that because they had graduated from universities with degrees, that meant success. My daughter once said in a card, “mom, if us kids were your employees then you would win employer of the year award”. That summed it all up for me. I had put all of my energy into what I viewed as my profession, motherhood. I completely immersed myself in activities that were centred on my kids and husband. Without either as a conduit to stay busy, I now find myself with loads of spare time and no  purpose: a toxic combination. 

Empty nest syndrome did not have meaning for me until I experienced it. In addition, I have experienced additional substantial losses in my life. The reality is, I have no one left to look after. In facing “ENS” head-on, I am compelled to find a new purpose outside of my husband and children – a new identity.

Do you have any advice for anyone who might be experiencing ENS? Or maybe you have your own struggle to share, to let us know we’re not so alone after all. Please let us know in our comments section or in person at a Low Entropy meeting.