Tag: love

Safe Space

Posted on by Ness Gale

Eri Ikezawa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

As I have gotten older, I’ve gotten better at localizing sectors of toxicity in my personal life. 

 

Since I view my internal world as a factory that I need to keep well-oiled, serviced, and maintained to be a functional and happy human being, any source of negativity is like a loose lug nut to me—one that could cause the cog to fall off before causing catastrophic destruction. And so, in order to preserve the sanctity of my internal world, what I need—as any human does—is to feel truly safe.  

 

As per Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we all first require our basic, physiological need of being sheltered and fed to be met. But once these needs are fulfilled, our next immediate requisite is security—or in other words, safety. That is, we need to feel safe before we are able to make it to higher levels on the hierarchy of general human needs—something I truly believe and subscribe to. Just as how a rose will not bloom when it is left unwatered and thirsty or how an abandoned cub will not flourish without its mother in the wild, people will also find it difficult to grow without some optimal conditions being met.  

 

With all that said, what then does a safe space mean to me? 

 

I would personally describe a safe space as anyone or anywhere in which a person—or any other living creature—has the capacity to exist comfortably, without concern of judgment, conflict, prejudice, or animosity. In the same vein, Oxford Dictionary defines it as, “a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm”.

 

My past personal experiences have had a profound and lasting impact on how much I now value the safe space my family and friends provide me—the environment I sought to nurture and nourish, the place I always return to when I feel most vulnerable. As lucky as I feel for what I have now, this was diametrically opposed to how I felt in high school. 

 

Back then, I genuinely didn’t feel like I was surrounded by the most reliable, consistent friends—not to mention, I emotionally didn’t feel all that stable at that time either. I just never felt safe around the people whom I chose to surround myself with. I was so skittish—I was a horse ready to rear onto its hind legs, instincts buzzing cacophonously as a forewarning to gallop away into the horizons. I was plagued with depression and anxiety, feeling there was no safety net for me at any angle. Surviving was my sole focus, the only aspiration I had energy for at the time. 

 

With all that said, I guess the analogy that best describes my delayed self-progression is the process of building a house. If one is equipped with the proper tools and a supportive team, they feel comfortable enough to go at a steady pace, their focus completely on finishing the task at hand. But then again, if someone is trying to build a house but their tools are old and broken with a sparse team of lazy workers, it is hard to feel motivated. And it’s easy to become distracted by everything going wrong. 

 

And so, feeling unsafe, small, and trepidatious with my social surroundings, I found it difficult to take steps forwards and onwards. 

 

The thing is, once you really gather yourself and get even the smallest taste of existing in a safe space—where all the occupants inhabiting that comfortable lacuna accept and love you (whilst gently keeping you accountable)—it gradually becomes easier to sense when anything noxious comes along. And not only that, but you also become less complacent towards its existence. 

 

Perhaps where you were once able to convince yourself that it was too much work untangling yourself from the spindly net of a toxic individual, you now recognize that it’s actually too much work conceding and compromising your peace of mind to placate somebody else. 

 

I began to gradually realize it wasn’t worth trying to wrench water from a stone to pour into someone else’s cup. And it wasn’t worth tiptoeing around to avoid stepping on the mess of eggshells, shrapnel, and glass shards that someone else wasn’t willing to clean up, leaving it for someone else to tidy. Even if I tried to be as vigilant as possible, I was still cutting my feet to accommodate someone else.  

 

And this kind of prolonged wariness is taxing—it’s just not sustainable.

 

The first time extracting a toxic individual from my life was the most difficult. A seemingly insurmountable task since I was so emotionally attached to that person at the time, it had to be an impossible, herculean undertaking. It felt like I was trying to swallow down a colony of angry hornets, each stinger scraping a long wound down my throat as I spoke my truth into existence— “it’s best if we go our separate ways.”

 

What followed the initial declaration of separation is a period of grieving for the attachment and bond I’d lost, but I am eternally grateful for having committed to the healing process. That decision to choose myself, my mental health, and my inner peace fostered a newfound modus operandi for future relationships. 

 

But with all this said, after referring to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the necessity of safety before progressing further in life, I do want to quickly elucidate that it’s not impossible for people to go through hell and back and still come out these amazing pillars of society to look up to. I am only saying that it is a lot harder for people to focus on goals higher up on our pyramids of needs when our most basic ones aren’t being satisfied. 

 

At the end of the day, it is our basic civic duty to become better than the poor circumstances we find ourselves in. With great effort and commitment, we can create our own safe space—with the right people—in order for us to become the best versions of ourselves. 

—

My name is Eri Ikezawa and I have an extended minor in psychology and a major in linguistics. I’m still on the path to quelling questions about myself and the direction I want to head in, but in the meantime, I have always wanted to find a way to help others and contribute to a community dedicated to personal development and self-love.

After Cleaning My Room

Posted on by Ness Gale

Julia Magsombol (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

They say injuries happen, and so does healing. But I just realized how injuries happen in a second, whereas healing occurs over a long time – if not forever. And for a long time, I thought healing was easy, but it was not. 

To me, ended relationships are huge injuries. 

I always clean my room whenever I end things with people, especially when my relationship with them reaches its expiry date. I never know why. I can clean my room whenever I want, and time isn’t really important at all. Maybe it’s my way of healing. 

Last Christmas, I cleaned my room. I removed certain clothes from my closet, arranged my books from most to least favourite, bought bedsheets and replaced my old ones, vacuumed the floor multiple times, bought new flowers and placed them on my table, and decorated. I threw things out. I threw things out that reminded me of the people I had lost. And that was it. I thought that was the end of it, or maybe the last step of me being hurt. 

I tried everything to feel okay by cleaning my room. But in my now very neat and beautiful room, I ended up sitting inside my closet. And I wept, and I wept. I wept for the people and relationships I had lost recently. And I wished I knew how to handle myself and the hurt I was feeling. I hated myself. I hated how these feelings had eventually caught up to me.  

I thought having a new type of space would help me — maybe it did, but it also did not. 

When the holiday was finished, I was still mourning. But for some reason, I started to accept the unpleasant feelings in my heart. Maybe I had no choice, but I knew I had to. 

I cried repetitively. I let the pain run through my body. It was difficult. I wanted all the pain to go away. I hoped what I was doing was right all along. 

***

This February, I realized a lot of things. Ended relationships are difficult to manage. Sometimes we’re so scared of them because we are afraid to face the ugly feelings they have to offer — or maybe we’re afraid of how the people we once loved and cared for will treat us after the relationship has ended. But from what I’ve learned, some relationships need to end, because they are simply changed, like people. And if they’ve changed terribly, it may be time to let them go. 

***

In the first week of January, I talked to a stranger in the mall, whom I had a connection with. It was funny because we’d been going through the same thing. From that point onwards, he was not a stranger to me anymore, but another broken human being. He said one thing before we parted ways. 

“Sometimes, we have to be true even if it’s hard. We have to admit to people, and especially to ourselves, that we are hurting so much, to be able to understand the complexity of pain in our hearts — only then, can we be healed and free.” 

When I got back home, I tried to stop my obsession with cleaning my room. And on the next day, I bought a box of Band-Aids to cover the bruises and cuts on my right knee that I got from moving boxes in my closet. After all, all wounds demand to be taken care of.

[Bio]Julia is a Filipino-Canadian freelance journalist based in Edmonton. One of her goals is to bring comfort to people through her writing. When not writing or reading, you can catch her buying indoor plants, sewing clothes and drinking instant coffee. 

Managing Writer’s Block

Posted on by Ness Gale

Stephanie W., Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Fiction writers, blog writers, playwrights, regardless of what kind of writer you are, if you write then there is a high possibility you’ve experienced writer’s block. Writer’s block is a rather

common phenomenon where writers fail to find the right words to create the product they desire. Whether it be due to the lack of ideas or inspiration, or when there simply isn’t enough creative

juices, all result in large amounts of frustration and no progress being done. Of course, this does not indicate anything wrong with you, and whatever the reason may be, there are always ways

to counter writer’s block. 

 

  1. Write as much as comes to mind as possible 

 

Try filling up a page with as many words as possible, whatever it may be, without stopping. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, just make sure to pour whatever thoughts come to mind

without going back and editing it. The point of this exercise is to simply get you started, even if what you end up with doesn’t contain anything you’ve written. After all, that’s the beauty of a first draft – it’s supposed to suck. 

 

  1. See what others have written about your topic. 

 

Venturing out and getting inspiration from other people can help inspire new ideas and gain motivation. Sources of ideas can come from anywhere, whether it be from other people’s writing

on the internet or even conversation’s you’ve had with friends and family. Digging through other people’s brains can help you see new perspectives or encourage you to see areas others have

missed. Oftentimes, ideas come from the most unlikely of places, so remember to not dismiss something just because you think it’s unlikely to inspire you. 

 

  1. Create a writing schedule but remember to take breaks

 

Set some time in your schedule dedicated to writing and only writing. Finding a rhythm that works for you reminds yourself to get into the zone of pure focus, words may just naturally flow

onto the page. It also helps to ensure that progress is being made. Of course, reminding yourself to take breaks in your writing rhythm is equally as important. 

 

  1. Change your environment 

 

Bring your laptop to your local coffee shop or library where there is little to no possibility you’d be tempted by distractions. In a space where your options are to either write or simply do

nothing, it is more likely that you’d opt to write. Going out and changing your usual routine may be just what you need to get those creative gears turning. 

 

  1. Get someone else to read your work 

 

After completing a draft, getting a new set of eyes always helps in getting a new perspective on your work, especially since familiarity with your writing can result in you missing some little

errors you otherwise would not have noticed. Writing can be a very personal procedure, but don’t be afraid to put it out there and receive negative feedback, as words you may not want to hear may

end up being the most helpful critique. 

 

Writer’s block can be very discouraging and demotivating, but remember that it can’t be overcome if you give up. Remember to not be too harsh on yourself, and that there are many others out there

that are in the same position you’re in right now. Of course, there are a plethora of other methods of getting over writer’s block that may be more up your alley, so be sure to find

what’s right for you. You’ve got this!

–

Leave your thoughts for Stephanie in the comments below. You can also follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and YouTube to stay up-to-date with Low Entropy news!

Toxic Relationships: Finding the Courage to Leave

Posted on by Ness Gale

Faizah Latif (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Romantic relationships for some are a blessing, and for others they present a challenge. Valentine’s Day looks different for each individual, as does the journey of love. When an individual makes the brave step towards leaving a relationship that does not serve them well, it is not an easy decision to come to terms with. Surviving through the toxic relationship, they may not even fully realize that they are in an abusive relationship. It may take friends and family to initially bring up the topic, while the victim of abuse will likely deny it and make excuses for the toxic behaviour. However, one can deeply reflect and identify the symptoms of abuse, and then make the decision of whether or not they want to continue enduring pain in the relationship they are in. Friends and family play a vital role in this process because they will be able to identify how the individual has changed throughout the relationship, likely damaging signs that have impacted their self esteem greatly. Individuals may also realize through therapy sessions, or come to terms themselves, that they are in the middle of what feels like an impossible situation. 

Fortunately, there is hope and a way out, even though it may not feel like it in the moment. It takes a courageous leap of faith. Things will be scary and unclear at first, however it is for the better and greater things are coming. When someone is abused in any way whether emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, the individual experiencing the abuse becomes immune to it. When it turns into a daily routine, they start to think it is normal. It takes a great deal of self-reflection to check in and honestly evaluate where we are. Is this person making me become my worst version of myself? Do I have the capacity to grow with this person? Do they make me happy and feel safe? In being truly honest with answering these questions, it will be clear whether or not the relationship in front of us is healthy or not. 

It can be daunting to imagine what life will be like without this person, and it can also feel very lonely. This is where the right support system helps incredibly. Attending a support group to speak to like-minded individuals will help in developing friendships and allow you to know that every other individual in the room went through a similar experience to you. As this is a huge step in changing one’s way of living, it is important to embody self-compassion and to remember that your journey will look different to everyone else’s. As well, there is no linear path to healing and there will be ups and downs to face. Moments of uncertainty and feelings of self-blame will present themselves. This is not the case, and it is important to acknowledge that no one deserves to be abused.

This new journey ahead feels overwhelming, and it is as if a new life begins. However, this does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. In fact, a new beginning signifies growth, resilience, and a way to carve your own path. Leaving a toxic relationship allows you to develop self-awareness and an ability to truly understand the traits that are healthy vs. toxic in a relationship. This can relate to any relationship in our lives, not necessarily a romantic one. Through leaving something toxic, we can better assess our personal boundaries and how we will not let someone mistreat us again. 

Speaking from my personal experience, a few years ago I left a toxic relationship that did not serve me well. It was very difficult in the moment; however, I am now in a much better place. I was able to learn from this experience. After I left the toxic relationship, I went back to school and started working on myself. I developed new hobbies and truly discovered who Faizah is. I have now almost completed my master’s degree in social work, and I hope to use it to advocate for other women in a similar position that I found myself in. I also run a weekly support group for women to discuss Narcissistic Relationships and how we can empower ourselves to set boundaries and live our true purpose. 

Valentine’s Day and love does not always have to be about a romantic relationship, rather we can focus on self-love and determining our self-worth, instead of chasing it in someone else. We need to focus on being kind to ourselves and to remember that we are exactly where we are meant to be. If you have left a toxic relationship, I want you to take a moment to acknowledge how much strength you have.  May you be a guiding light for others and continue to carve your way towards success.

—

Faizah is an aspiring social worker, currently in the process of completing her Master in Social Work (MSW) degree. She enjoys self development and advocating for important causes in the community. Writing is one of Faizah’s passions, and she is honoured to share her writing on the Low Entropy platform in the hopes of providing inspiration.

How to Support Loved Ones During Hard Times

Posted on by Ness Gale

Grace Cheng (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

No one likes to see their loved ones in pain, and we are more than willing to assist them in any way we can. Any number of situations could arise, such as a loved one suffering from an illness, the break-up of a relationship, bereavement, or struggling to make a difficult decision.

 

Providing support to loved ones during tough times can be challenging. Sometimes you may feel that there is nothing you can do or that you are not qualified or strong enough to help.  It can be challenging to determine if a loved one needs advice, a sympathetic ear, or even some tough love, especially when the wrong approach may lead to them feeling worse about their situation.  When people are struggling with difficult issues in their lives, it takes patience, understanding, and empathy to be able to help them.

Here are nine ways that you can support your loved ones during hard times:

  1. Be There

The thing you most want to do is be there for your loved ones when they are going through tough times. It can be difficult to cope with grief, but showing empathy and support can make a big difference. 

      2. Be a Positive Influence

Try not to focus too much on the negatives when you are spending time with your loved ones, particularly if you know they are going through a difficult time. When you are aware that they are feeling down, try to plan something fun that will take their mind off of it for a short while. You may use the opportunity to have a chat with them, as well as to just have some fun and unwind. In some cases, they are more willing to share their problems when they are relaxed, so it may be more effective to approach an issue in this manner rather than through an intense conversation.

 

      3. Listening

Listening  is sometimes the best thing you can do for your loved ones. Just being willing to listen to their problems will help them feel less alone and isolated. If they are having difficulty communicating, let them know that you are available whenever they are ready. It is important to remember that offering support is not the same as providing advice. Listen to what they have to say and give them space to speak without interjecting your own opinions or advice into the conversation. When you listen to your loved ones, you will have a better understanding of what they are going through, which will allow you to determine what you can do to help them.

 

      4. Be Empathetic

Putting yourself in the shoes of a loved one is one of the best things you can do when they confide in you.  It is important to empathize with them and to understand where they are coming from, not to only say, “Oh, that’s awful,” or simply to give them advice without empathizing with their situation.  Think about what you needed from your loved one during difficult times in your own life, particularly if the person is a family member. Whenever possible, tell them, “I understand how you feel,”, and if they ask you or you feel it will help, share similar experiences you have had in the past.

 

      5. Be Patient

It is important to remember that everyone’s path is different and that they must follow it at their own pace. Patience is critical to supporting your loved ones. By being patient with them, you are letting them know that it does not matter how long it will take them to get better, the number of treatments, or the difficulties that may arise, as you will always be there for them and that it is okay to take their time to get better. It will give them hope and comfort if you demonstrate your patience, especially if progress is slow or stalled, which will also help alleviate any guilt they may feel about not getting better sooner. Having realistic expectations is essential. For example, if you are dealing with someone who has a chronic illness, keep in mind that there is no quick fix. It will take time for things to heal and improve, nothing ever happens overnight.

 

      6. Avoid Judgment

Being there for someone requires that you refrain from making judgments.  It is common for people to feel unable to reach out to others when they are struggling, because they fear that their problems will be minimized or dismissed.  It is imperative to put aside all preconceived notions and judgments before trying to console someone in their time of need so that they do not view you in this manner.

 

      7. Offer Physical Touch

Put a gentle hand on their shoulder. By conveying empathy through physical touch, you are sure to make them feel a little better or at least cared for.  Sometimes all they require is a hug. No words are necessary – just open your arms and they will hug you.  Hold on for as long as possible in order to demonstrate that you are there for them.  

 

      8. Be Soft

During times of suffering, people may become distant, depressed, or angry.  There is no doubt that it is easy to lose your temper when someone behaves in this manner towards you, but unfortunately, pain and suffering can bring out our worst characteristics. You must avoid using a “tough-love” approach and remain calm, as your loved one needs to feel that their relationship with you is an emotionally safe one.  Be compassionate and speak from the heart to them.  It is more likely that they will turn to you if you are kind and compassionate, and getting angry with them will simply not accomplish anything.  

 

      9. Keep Checking In

Remind your loved ones that you are always available for conversation or time spent together. Ensure that you follow up regularly with texts or calls and set reminders to contact them on days that may be particularly difficult for them, such as birthdays and anniversaries. People who experience hardship often receive a tremendous amount of support in the first few weeks or months and then feel forgotten as friends and family return to their everyday routines—so even if it is just a quick weekly hello, being there for them over the long term can make all the difference.

 

Being present for loved ones does not only mean being physically present, but also being emotionally, mentally, and spiritually available at all times.  

–

Grace has an accounting and finance background. She enjoys reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and playing sports.

Unseen Inequalities and Unspoken Bullying

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Najmuddin Hossaini (he/him/his), Low Entropy Volunteer writer

Dealing with the concept of relationships is an examination of a phenomenon that is complex and multifaceted. Relationships are somehow a predetermined value in a human community that holds countless ups and downs. Analyzing the historical and social apparition of relationships makes it clear that they have been vital to forming love, friendships, hatred, terrible mistakes, big misunderstandings, basal narratives and withheld stories. Therefore, probing each dimension of our associations requires patience, a lot of time and comprehensive research. However, in this brief article, we are going to take a look at inequalities in relationships. 

What is equality in a relationship? 

Equality in a relationship means that your partner has as much influence and importance as you. The central core of equality is the amount of respect that both sides show each other. Equality is an ideal state that should be established between two parties, or at least they should make an honest effort to demonstrate it.

What is inequality in a relationship? 

Inequality in a relationship means that the power and influence of the parties are out of balance. One of the sides becomes more dominant than the other, which can make the less dominant individual feel ignored, disrespected, unvalued or resentful. This situation may happen gradually, suddenly, intentionally or unintentionally; however, in the end, it will produce an unpleasant outcome. 

Some concrete examples of inequality in relationships

The symptoms of exercising authority in a relationship can seem innocuous, from the way two people decorate their room, extending to all matters of shared life. By looking at the items in the bedroom of two people who are in a relationship, for instance, we might find the person who has more power allocating more facilities of the room for themself, arranging their personal belongings in their preferred places and decorating the room according to their taste. This way of applying power might be so subtle that neither party is aware of the mechanism.

In addition, the way people express common issues, conflict, resolutions and love may be completely different between people with power imbalances in their relationship. In the way they raise their child, look for work, entertain themselves, travel and socialize, the party who enjoys a superior position will likely assert more of their opinions and taste. These actions of influence can continue until they turn from seemingly normal interactions into open bullying.

What are influencing factors?

Many elements bring inequality in a relationship. These factors include, but are not limited to, social status, family dissimilarities, differences in education, economic factors, religious beliefs and psychological issues. Exploring and examining such influences would require a detailed discussion, which is out of the scope of this brief piece.

What do we get?

Although many relationships have a very beautiful appearance and seem wonderful from the outside, many individuals are in unequal situations. Bullying, oppression and coercion have cast a heavy shadow on many relationships. That is why the phrase “toxic relationship” has seen wide usage in today’s discourse. When it comes to relationship norms, questioning, critical examination, self-evaluation, humility, tolerance and morality may be the way forward.

[Bio]Najmuddin Hossaini holds a master’s in philosophy from Savitribai Phule Pune University, and a bachelor’s in journalism and political public relations from Herat University. He has published articles on human rights, women’s rights, peace talks, Taliban extremism, violence, environmental issues, recognition and creativity.

What Happens After We Found Love?

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Andreza Gonçalves (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer.

Love is a simple, four-letter word that seems to be so complex that many people still struggle to find the real meaning behind it.

Some individuals try to define it in books, chronicles, songs, poems, or even in actions and figures. However, it can be said that love is a personal feeling that exists inside of us and that we need to express in some form and receive back to live a healthy and happy life.

It has already been scientifically proven that the human race is a social species, which means that we have a strong desire to live in community, even if we are more introspective and don’t enjoy socializing. The COVID pandemic was a great example of how a person needs to be in touch with others (even if it happens in the lowest proportion possible) to get help and also to interact and not get depressed from feeling loneliness.

That said, keep in mind that love can be expressed for friends, family, a pet, meaningful objects, or even someone you met, grew to admire, and now wish to marry. This last one is called romantic love and is treated by many as a life goal to achieve happiness.

Some men and women dream about finding someone to marry, have kids, and construct their own nuclear family. A society’s portion even suffers when they notice that it is not that simple to find “the one”, and after they have found them, they feel as if the mission was accomplished and that’s it. 

Of course this idea shouldn’t be generalized, nevertheless, it’s important to mention that loving one another goes way beyond getting married and having children, it can be compared to a seed that must be watered everyday in order not to die. 

To better represent what I want to say, I need to mention a book that sounds pretty coherent to me and that seems to help us understand how it works to “water the seeds of love”. It’s called The Five Love Languages, and it was written by an American pastor, who is also a counselor and writer, named Dr. Gary Chapman.

In his work, Dr. Chapman explains that each one of us has a main love language that demonstrates what we mainly need to feel love. As the book’s title suggests, there are five main languages; acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.

 

These tongues are followed by dialects, but every person has one or two main ways of feeling loved. On the one hand, there are those who sense appreciation when someone cooks them a dish or does the laundry; on the other hand, there are those who experience it when they receive a compliment, a gift, a hug, or attention from a special pal.

With a PhD in adult education, Dr. Chapman proves in his writing that love not only must be cultivated, but that it requires the correct caring. In his thoughts he showed that people who received demonstrations of affection that were distinct from those considered relevant by them tended to not see these actions as manifestations of fondness. This is so serious that some couples were about to split because they no longer felt loved by their once soulmate. 

If you get curious about Dr. Chapman’s doings, I highly recommend you to take his free and online test to discover how you prefer to receive love, so you can get your own conclusions about what has been explained above. 

So, before I faced the Five Love Languages theory, I used to strongly defend the idea that we must acknowledge the appreciation we feel for the people around us, although after it I started to better understand that folks (like my grandmother) were not rejecting my gifts, it was just that it wasn’t the principal way for them to sense my caring. 

After all this reflection we have made about love, we can conclude that love has to be cultivated every day for it not to wither and die, but it also must be cared for correctly. 

It might sound way too hard; however, when you learn how to pour your heart out effectively, it becomes an easier and more valued task that can generate mutual results that are surely worth it both ways.

And remember, if a love tank is full, it is more likely for it to overflow and return to you. Nevertheless, don’t apply this with the intention of receiving anything back, since love is neither selfish nor self-centered.

—

Andreza is a Brazilian attorney, passionate about volunteering, and who wants to cause a good impact in the world. Andreza loves her family, her dog, and traveling. She lives in Brazil and expects you to be touched positively by her words.

Non-Romantic Love: Beautiful and Valid

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Eri Ikezawa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Growing up, I remember love stories playing out through all manners of media—boy meets girl, they fall in love, they encounter trials and tribulations, but ultimately, love triumphs. There are variations, of course, but the recipe for this lauded love story only changes by a pinch more angst and a tablespoon less cliched resolution—not to mention the dire lack of LGBTQ+ and ethnic representation throughout these stories. 

 

We have come a long way since then, thanks to a societal progression that I feel profoundly privileged to witness, but we also still have more to accomplish—and more marginalized communities to represent. It is heartwarming to see love stories including same sex or interracial couples—especially as a mixed child who’d been searching for depictions of couples like my parents in my youth. 

 

Now, there is an area I still think society could still stand to represent and appreciate more—the importance of love in non-romantic form. Whether it is familial love, platonic love, or the love of a pet, all of these forms of love are often overshadowed and undermined in the shadow of romance. 

 

I would like to clarify that I absolutely am not trying to whittle away the significance of romantic love and relationships in the lives of people—but there are many shapes of love that deserve the spotlight as well. Through emphasizing these other types of love, we—as a society—would also be giving comfort to those on the asexual spectrum. 

 

Even for me now, being single from my mid-twenties to the present time, I occasionally find myself feeling insecure and worried about my (lack of) relationship status. But not because I’m inherently concerned—rather, it is the effect of years of societal conditioning and implicit pressure from peers. 

 

There are intermittent moments where I question if there’s something wrong with me or if I should actively be searching for someone before I realize that the voice in my head doesn’t even belong to me. I never feel empty, lonely, or small without a significant other. 

 

And so, as a person who doesn’t put an extreme stock into romance—having no ambition to have children nor being particularly invested in the idea of marriage—I do occasionally wish society and media would demonstrate the same reverence for platonic and familial bonds. Between my close bonds with my family (and pet) and the deep adoration I have for my friends—my chosen family—I have never felt like I have been missing out being a single woman. 

 

I think the pressure oftentimes is infinitely worse for women, heralding women for being mothers and wives, while there is a tacit stigma behind being involuntarily (or voluntarily) childless and unmarried. On the other hand, single men are often viewed as playboys or “silver foxes”—but I digress. 

 

The point is, when I look at the impregnable pillars in my life, from my doting father to my composed mother and to all my reliable, honest friends, I feel so deeply and so strongly that I simply feel fulfilled with all the emotional riches and sentimental wealth I’m blessed with. From my perspective, I truly value my independence to the point where I feel like if a romantic relationship is impeding on my happiness rather than meaningfully contributing to it, I would much rather be alone than wasting energy and making pointless compromises. 

 

None of this is to demonize or disparage people who deeply desire a romantic connection—I simply think society would benefit from focusing on other sources of happiness as well. The steadfast, unwavering support from a friend is just as meaningful to many people as the romantic relationships. 

 

There is even the argument to make that we expect friendships to outlast romantic relationships. That is, people enter relationships knowing that—however improbable or miniscule—there is a possibility that they might part ways with their significant other at some point. People tend to implicitly trust that their long-standing friendships will be lasting and enduring. If this is the case, why don’t we showcase the significance of our friendships in media as often? 

 

The reality is we should be able to decide what we prioritize as being sacred to us—without social or media scrutiny. Although I am never offended, I always do find it wryly entertaining when people ask me why I don’t have a partner at this stage in my life. I can’t help but think, why does it matter? Why do I need one? And if I’m not worried about it, then why are you? 

 

Honestly, the way I look at it, I am currently so focused on accomplishing what I want out of life—I find every personal triumph as an internal accolade, further developing my self-esteem and sense of self. I also profoundly understand that I need my happiness to come from within—I don’t want to outsource contentment and joy, finding a home in someone else. 

 

I believe that if it happens, it will. And if it doesn’t? Well, even now, I am happy with myself and the kind of person I have turned out to be to the point where I fully recognize that my value and worth—especially as a woman—doesn’t come from my relationship status or whether I am a mother. It never has and never will—whether society as a large chooses to acknowledge that is not my problem. 

 

With all this being said, I would like to reiterate again, it is not my goal to mitigate the importance of romantic relationships in any capacity. But it is undeniable that these are the relationships that tend to both take the most precedence in people’s lives and be the primary focus of a lot of media content.

 

I think if people understood and saw that other sources of love can significantly contribute to a fulfilling life, people wouldn’t berate themselves or be scared of “being alone.” Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, as long as you have other balusters in your life, you are—truly—never alone in life. 

–

My name is Eri Ikezawa and I have an extended minor in psychology and a major in linguistics. I’m still on the path to quelling questions about myself and the direction I want to head in, but in the meantime, I have always wanted to find a way to help others and contribute to a community dedicated to personal development and self-love.

Toxins Kill, So Does A Toxic Relationship

Posted on by Ness Gale

Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

A toxic relationship, just like the actual toxin is poisonous, fatal and could lead to damage or an eventual death. While we all have our moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will only take and give nothing but pain in return. However, in an effort to not demonize the benefits of service and sacrifice as part of a good relationship, a healthy relationship is mutually self-giving. These challenges and sacrifices that are healthily accepted should only ebb and flow towards connection and love. 

It would be worthy to note that toxic relationships are beyond the context of romance. Any relationship could become toxic including relationships with co-workers, managers, in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, distant relatives and even towards an object of worship. While many people would defend their toxic relationships only because there is no physical abuse yet, I will have you know that it is only a matter of time till you get to that point, as physical abuse is the extreme manifestation of toxicity. 

Many times, relationships do not end the way they begin, little tweaks, compromises, stretched tolerances made over an extended period changes the dynamics completely. This is even true with human nature and the unending pretense and change we show intentionally and unintentionally. I have learned to become unfazed when someone narrates how their once sweet and tender partner suddenly became a beast. People, especially those closest to us, have a profound impact on our well-being, – though we all experience the difficulties of living and loving imperfect humans, ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy and not frustration.

A while ago, I was at the hospital to visit my neighbor Lila who had suffered a first degree burn from a home fire. With her life hanging in the balance, I couldn’t help but wonder if her situation would be any different had she made other choices, loved herself enough, left her marriage, which has now been blunted by endless abuse. Lila was set ablaze accidentally by her husband while they argued on infidelity on his part, yes, right, “accidentally”. Lila had been married for 10 years, and each of those years had a progression pattern, from silent treatment, being neglected, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, arguments and fights bothered on infidelity and financial irresponsibility, until the climax of being accidentally set ablaze.  The first night I met her closely was the night she had run to my house wearing only underwear. She had a black eye and scratch marks, she had gotten into a fight yet again, not that we are unaware of those high pitched voices and thundering sound from the next house, but there was only so much intervention we could offer. She needed to save herself at the very least. Lila left once with her two kids, we all were happy, rejoicing that she finally chose health and herself, only to see her return after a month on account that her husband had apologized and promised to change. Her mother had advised her to reconcile with her husband as divorce was shameful and not taken lightly in their family, her spiritual mentors had advised her to fast and pray for her husband as it was the devil trying to destroy her marriage.

Conversely, I encouraged her to leave the sickened marriage and suddenly became the enemy. As I sat by her bed side and watched her draw her last breath, I had all kinds of emotions and thoughts running through my mind, there are simply no words to describe the chaos my mind experienced in those moments. Lila is no more, I’m certain there are many women and men like Lila, who held their toxic relationships hostage and refused to let go, with the false hope that things will get better. 

One problem out of many, is that a lot of troubled relationship habits were baked into our culture, we have been enshrined to worship romantic love and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexuality. All genders have been encouraged to objectify each other to the point of seeing marriage as the best achievement and our partners as the prize we win in life. The religious teachings and cultural beliefs of so many people have been flawed to the point of no return. We have been brainwashed into accepting irresponsible partnerships as the only guaranteed pathway to societal recognition and respect.

I could welcome you to my country where single women are abused for not being able to score a man, where single men of a certain age are pressured by all and sundry to get a wife as their generational continuity is in double jeopardy. Welcome to my country where parents force their daughters to remain in an abusive marriage to avoid the shame and opinion of relatives, neighbors and friends. I could welcome you to my country where religious leaders and counselors recommend that couples pray and remain in a toxic relationship. I could welcome you to my country where we blame the devil for our acts of abuse and negligence rather than be accountable. I could welcome you to my country where people scorn each other and compete on which marriage is the happiest using social media as the validation tool. I could welcome you to my country where your married friends cut you off because you are no longer worthy of their presence and status. I could welcome you, but I’d rather not because your country probably shares the same sentiments. 

Many of us entered relationships without realizing that a lot of our beliefs and habits are toxic to begin with. We enter relationships prioritizing love over the core components of a healthy relationship which is respect, trust and affection. With this mindset, we run the complete circle and end up with an emotionally damaged society. As relationships evolve, intimacy becomes companionship, companionship becomes complacency, complacency becomes contempt as the maximum limit of toxicity is now achieved. IT IS TIME TO LEAVE! Build that courage to leave alive or get dragged out in a body bag.

While exploring the signs of toxic traits in a relationship, these stood out the most; From partners who kept emotional score cards to obsession and jealousy, controlling, projection of insecurity, doing the bare minimum while expecting others to always bend backwards. Dishonesty, disrespect, negative financial behaviors, resentments, toxic communications filled with sarcasm, gaslighting conversations and extreme criticism fueled by contempt. These traits led to the unhappiness, ultimate doom and complete annihilation of anything healthy and sweet that was previously available in the relationship. I dare say that the greatest gift you can give to somebody else is the gift of your own personal development, filled with self-love and a healthy sense of confidence. 

The road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not easy. Most people will not be able to scale it and commit towards recovery. There are chances that things could change for the better, however, I write as a prime advocate of mental health, in this instance, I would always prescribe the solution of leaving alive. I always encouraged victims to take a break, to give it all up, to let go of whatever investment is holding them down. I always prescribed the courage to love yourself selfishly while choosing the gift of life and happiness over the pains and exertion.  My prescriptions are usually countered as harsh and extreme, regardless, I stand by my statement and convictions. 

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu. As a firm believer of healthy relationships and self-love, I insist you own your past, take the step towards changing your future, because you are worthy of great love and healthy partnership. 

—

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!

Love Isn’t a One Time Thing

Posted on by Ness Gale

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

For as long as I can remember I have always been infatuated with the idea of love and romance, getting my first taste of it through fairy tales like Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, believing that true love’s kiss was genuinely the most powerful magic in this world. In addition to the media I was consuming on a regular basis I grew up with parents that had been together since high school and I believed I should strive for the same thing; a love that endures.

 It wasn’t until I got past my primary days that my relationship towards love started to change almost to a more bitter degree. Don’t get me wrong I have always felt nostalgia for fairytales and have held tight to the belief that everyone deserves a happy ending but now that I have more life experience I have seen love take shape in many different ways and I understand now that love is something that doesn’t just apply in a romantic context. Thus, when I am asked a question like “Is it possible for a person to have more than one great love in their life?” My answer would be very different to the one I would have given at 13 years old. 

Therefore, I no longer believe that people can only have one great love in this life because romantic love is not the only type of love we can experience and it is also not the most important one either, at least in my eyes. Someone I used to love once told me that “you can’t love anyone else until you learn to love yourself” and those words have been stitched into my heart ever since. So now learning to love myself more than anyone ever will is one of my main aspirations, because although meeting someone you can connect with is such a beautiful and special thing I think being able to love yourself despite all the flaws you may see or all the obstacles you might face alone qualifies as one of the greatest forms of love. I would count myself lucky if ever met one other person I could love that deeply but also feel secure knowing that if that love were to come to an end due one of many inexplicable reasons I would still have that love for myself that will sustain me through the rest of my time on earth. 

At the end of the day within my own mind and heart I feel that we can encounter many different types of love in our lives and they can all be wonderful. For instance, the love I have for my dog and the love that he has for me is without conditions. Another example of a profound love we can share in a platonic way is with our friends. Hence, I trust that I have proved that love is not a one-time thing, however I do think the happily ever after part is up to us. 

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My name is Cristina Crescenzo I’m a just a girl who loves to write and while I am going to school Low Entropy is a place I can share my passion and ideas with a diverse group of individuals. My main goal is always will be to spread awareness for mental health and the disabled community. 

Is Loving Easy?

Posted on by Ness Gale

Bethany Howell (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I once believed love to be something that occurs to a person – a passive process that is both inevitable and all-encompassing. That is what I was taught through countless forms of media consumed by my childhood self. Love seemed to be something just out of reach for me at that age. Sure, I knew what it was like to have crushes – the youthful flip of the stomach when I saw that one individual – but love was something greater than that. I had just assumed that I would stumble upon the life-changing event that is love when I was old enough or wise enough to finally deserve it. 

One thing I was too young to realize was that it is something given without needing to be deserved. Love, at its best, is both unconditional and purposeful. Though it took many years and many trials, I see now that love is not something that occurs to a person, but something that a person must seek out; love is not a passive process, but an active one. Each day I choose to love my partner, far past the phase of butterflies and nervous glances. Years pass and love still remains through my own power of will and loyalty. There are days when love seems like a battle – a war against myself to fight on the side of those that I hold dear; however, there are other days where it is impossible not to love and not to be loved in return, even if you did not want it to be the case. Love is a challenge, but, with the right person, love can also come so easily. It is almost a sort of oxymoron, being both so effortful but also so completely impossible to avoid. 

I know this sounds cheesy, but I have also realized that love is a promise to be made and to be kept. Just like a promise, love can be hard to keep and can sometimes be better broken or left behind; however, the best type of love is a promise shared and kept – this is the steady love we all search for. To love and to be loved, in my mind, is the purest form of vulnerability. That in itself can be terrifying. There is hope, however, as with this vulnerability comes a level of safety one can only get in a relationship with another being. There have been times that, despite my best efforts, love was not meant for me – a promise meant to be broken. Great effort goes into loving someone, but even greater effort is required to stop loving them. A broken promise stings in a way nothing else can. This is a truth that adds to both the complexity and difficulty of the act of love. Even with all of the evidence supporting its dangerous nature, love cannot be ignored, nor can be dodged, though I have tried many times. Loving is not easy, but stepping outside of it is borderline impossible.

Love may not be exactly what I pictured as a child. Though it was difficult to comprehend, even at that tender age I was experiencing love. The love of my mother was something that permeated every portion of my life. My younger self had one thing right after all – love truly is all-encompassing. I still feel my mother’s love today through our daily text conversations and her voice in my mind reassuring me when I struggle. Now this love is mixed with the love I feel for my partner, for my best friend, and for myself. Just as my religious upbringing taught me, there exists in everyone an abundance of love that does not diminish when spread out amongst many people. My love is not diluted nor is it the same across individuals. Of course, I love my friend in a different way than I love my partner, but it is all still love and affection. 

To conclude – is loving easy? It depends who you ask or even at what moment you ask them. If you were to ask me all those years ago, I would have told you, “Of course loving is easy! It must be as easy as falling asleep!” Coming from a hesitant insomniac, loving may always be a bit more difficult than it first appears. When deeply analyzing it, however, I realize I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just as there would be no light without dark, there would be no beauty in love without its pain and hardship. It is the complexity and duality of love that gives us the wonderful reward that is connection. 

—

My name is Bethany Howell and I am a university student in my final semester of studying psychology with a focus on families and children. I have a passion for writing and mental health and my ultimate goal since age 13 has been to make a difference in the world through helping others, which is how I ended up here at Low Entropy!

Finding Love in Every Corner of Life

Posted on by Ness Gale

Cassandra Di Lalla (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Love can be found in many different areas of our lives, not just in romantic relationships.

 

Love is one of life’s many treasures and it comes in many forms; it is powerful but it is deserving to every human.

 

Love is everywhere, love is boundless. 

 

It’s the kind of thing that you either look for or the one that finds you, or maybe even happens out of nowhere and when you least expect it. 

 

Love comes in different shapes and sizes, in any colour, at any age or stage in life; love does not discriminate over any sort of barrier whether it is medical, financial, emotional, physical, etc. Because love leads in life. 

 

We share love with our family members, our pets, our significant others, our friends, and we even share love with things we are passionate about or that make us feel as though the world is our oyster, but we also share love with people in general like a communal love…a universal love.
 

I value and I cherish both the love that I put out into the world and the love that I receive in return but I know that the love I feel for some is a different kind of love that I feel for others. My mother, my father, and my brother along with fur friends all fit in the same category of being my “Ride or Die”. They are the very definition of the saying ‘Family is forever’. My mother was the first woman I ever loved and my father was the first man I ever loved. I have always been able to count on them no matter the situation. My parents were always my rock and they never ceased to amaze me. My mother and father truly gave me unconditional love and I could only hope that they felt my unconditional love a million times stronger! It is thanks to my parents that I understand what love is and it is thanks to them that I’m able to express my love freely and unapologetically. The gift of a loving and caring family is what makes the weight of the world seem a little less heavy and life’s challenges seem a little less stressful.

 

To those of you who have a significant other, the love you feel towards one another is very special and very personal. It is the kind of love that many hope for, and that others may stumble upon, but it is one that not everybody has. It is an incredible feeling falling in love, being in love, and sharing the same love amongst one another. Being in a relationship is magical but it is not perfect, though looking beyond those imperfections is all part of the journey you’re on together. Your acceptance, your patience, your caring, and your kindness with one another is what leads to the final destination which is thought to be enjoying life together. 

Finding love in a romantic kind of way is nearly a full-time job because as humans, we’re looking for a partner whose values and morals line up nicely with ours, those who have a kind heart and are genuine with good intention, those who will be there for you through thick and thin, and with you in sickness and in health, etc. This kind of relationship is so special because our intention is to spend the rest of our lives with this person – our partner in crime and our other half. We want to be able to keep our heads above life’s deep waters and resist the urge to let go and allow ourselves to drown just because we were consumed by life’s tumultuous twists and turns. I have a fiancé and honestly, he’s been my lifeguard the entirety of our relationship…constantly pulling me out of life’s everlasting bodies of water because when my thoughts wander and flee – I feel like I’m drowning in despair.

When it comes to our pets, they deserve immeasurable praise; they’re undeniably loyal and they want nothing but your happiness and well-being because to them, that’s what matters most. Our pets always have the best possible intentions and are endlessly showering us with love and care. Some might say it’s overbearing but honestly, they deserve the world and then some. Our fur friends are non-judgemental, playful, loving, and intelligent creatures that always put us first despite how they’re feeling. They are always putting their owners up on a pedestal even if they themselves are the ones that need assistance from their humans. They’re selfless and will fight for you 100% of the time because they’re honoured to be a part of your family and forever grateful that you’ve given them a home filled with cuddles, snacks, and love. I cannot express enough how much I truly love animals, they just fill my heart. I’ve owned fish, cats, dogs, hamsters, birds, and mice. I’m currently still a pet owner and I guarantee that I’ll always be a fur mom.

Did you know there’s also such a thing as the love between a human and their passion(s)? Yep! It makes perfect sense to love something you’re passionate about. Whatever it is that you do is perhaps also something that reminds you that loving is easy and being loved is revolutionary; love will show you the light. 

Care to guess what other kind of love is important? Self love, you guessed it! Oh my heavens…this one is absolutely not done enough! Loving yourself and caring for yourself is a huge priority, and there’s more than a handful of ways to help yourself in doing so. Self love is being mindful of who you are as a person and learning new things everyday. It is accepting yourself for who you are. Self love is about appreciating the person you were, the person you are, and the person you will become because all three of those instances did, does, and will serve a purpose in your life. It is important to love yourself wholeheartedly and take the best care of yourself in order for you to live healthily. Since happiness is homemade, go ahead and create your own elixir for pure sunshine and smiles. Oh, and don’t forget to always add a dash of sass so you know that you’re compensating for real life scenarios because in the real world – there’s no such thing as a perfect day. You’re entitled to saying “Oh, dang it” if things go wrong but just be sure to keep your head up and hug yourself afterwards. Self love will make your not-so-perfect day into a nearly perfect day. 

Platonic love, also known as a friendship, is often hard to come by in this day and age because so many people turn their backs on one another or can’t be bothered getting to know someone to the core. Instead, they are very judgemental and more often than not – people get picked on because they’re different or simply because their personality is different than yours. Some other people walk into your life and stay there until the end…wanting to spend a day shopping with you, going out for a coffee or tea, discovering new places, going on adventures, or maybe just crafting at home or talking about life in general. It’s definitely nice to have someone to talk to or connect with that isn’t a family member because sometimes, we need that unbiased opinion or we need to see things from a completely different perspective and that’s okay. Although it seldom happens, it’s such a pleasant experience when you instantly click with someone and a lifelong friendship begins to blossom.

So, I wanted to add this one in here because there is a sense of love that one feels when helping others in need or when you’ve volunteered your time somewhere out in the community or anywhere in the world. You didn’t have to but you chose to out of the goodness of your heart. One small gesture can make a difference and oftentimes, that enables you to form a bond and maybe even a different kind of love too. See? You’ve got to start somewhere…one step at a time. Many people don’t realize how powerful community movements can be but if more people would chip in by providing their time and efforts (even as a one time deal), the world would be less divided, less cold and cruel, but more blessed. Planet earth would benefit from having more love poured into it rather than hate and that’s why lending a hand to make life more bearable is a rewarding path, an unforgettable journey, and the coolest destination. 

Love is evolving in the most beautiful way and I just hope humanity will learn from it…love is a force to be reckoned with. 

—

Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create. 

The Joys of Having a Pet

Posted on by andrew

Cassandra Di Lalla (she/her/hers) , Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

If my pet is offering love and care . . . I always take them up on that offer! But I always make sure it’s reciprocated and I also want to ensure they’re comfy and content in return. 

As someone who struggles immensely with mental health, having my pets comfort me is an important part of my everyday life. 

My furry friends are more than just a companion—they’re part of my family and boy are they so much more than just a cute face or a snuggle buddy too!

I’m sure all of you are dying to know about my furry friends so here you have it before anything else . . . there’s Zoey, Deena, and Marley. Zoey is a Siberian Husky/Akita Inu mix, Deena is a Tabby cat, and Marley is a Shih Tzu/Corgi/Mini Poodle mix. 

Yes, it’s a busy household filled with fur and fun . . . sometimes muddy paws but that’s okay too!

My pets are very intelligent girls and they’ve got an incredibly special ability when it comes to being the support system I want and need. These soft and furry little beings sense when something’s wrong and they come straight to my rescue, wagging their tails, racing over to me with their little snack sized paws, etc. 

I’m sure there are many of you who feel that using the “baby voice” with your pets seems more gentle and sensitive (not to mention, more engaged in conversation with them) but in reality, they’re thinking, “What the heck is that noise? Why are you squealing at me, mom?” Yeah, well . . . been there, done that and—GUILTY—I’m still doin’ it. But in fairness, if I were to put myself in their paws (or shoes ’cause that’s a thing), I’d have probably wondered why I sound like that too.

I just have so much love for these furballs and let’s be honest, sometimes we don’t even know what to do or say in order to express our gratitude towards them or our sheer happiness we feel seeing them just be themselves. Their quirks, different personalities, the way they place or fold their paws, the way they take up your personal space but you have to be okay with it because you’ve accepted life as a pet parent, etc. 

Owning a pet is so rewarding but we seem to forget how truly special it is because we get caught up in our own wants and needs. We immerse ourselves in things that are sometimes not the best for us, yet, if you take a look at your dog giving you those puppy dog eyes, all they want are the simple things in life and they are often free. A great example of this would be your time; your dog might simply want to spend time with you whether that be playing, going for a walk, lounging next to you, watching TV with you or even learning new tricks or obedience training.

Most dogs have an abundance of energy and some can probably even run marathons so it’s only natural for them to want to run around or at least be engaged in some sort of mind and body stimulation. Your dog also loves when you talk to them so even though you two communicate differently, make a point of talking to your dog everyday in whatever way you communicate best with them whether that’s speaking a human language or a form of canine language. 

Now, if you look at cats, I’m sure we can all agree that they’re more independent; however, that doesn’t mean your cat cannot help you on your journey to mental wellness. My cat has a very distinct way of saying hello to me every morning by meowing endlessly as if I’ve been ignoring her for a year, and running back and forth from the hallway to the dog bed (yes, the dog bed where her two sisters sleep) back to to the hallway . . . all while still meowing. She’ll hop, prance, and pounce on you without a single care and with total disregard of the fact that you’re either busy doing something or that her nails are sharp. But that’s okay, because, apparently she’s the boss . . . she makes herself heard.

Throughout the day, she likes to check up on me by stepping on my stomach and whacking me with her tail or if I’m in my office, she will gladly climb onto my chair and sit right where my head is (thank you Deena, for so generously deciding to stick your bum where my eyes and mouth are). She will bow her head and purr, which I have come to learn is something cats do to show you they trust you and highly respect you, so I am totally okay with that and, I too, respect her. It’s just funny that we as humans cannot dare put our behinds anywhere near their face without them looking highly offended and perplexed. But what can you do? I have accepted my life as a fur mom for a reason. 

Had a bad day? You have free therapy waiting for you at home. Need a laugh? No worries, the pets have you covered with their constant shenanigans. Need to have a good cry? Let it rain, friends! They will help combat your sadness. Feeling under the weather? They’ll be there to comfort you whether you like it or not because they don’t like seeing you sick. Are you in pain physically, mentally, or both? Let them use their healing powers because otherwise, they’re miserable when you’re not well.

The love and care that my two dogs and cat have for each other and for me never ceases to amaze me. They are the sweetest, most loving creatures with the ability to sense when something is wrong or if you’re not feeling right. And yes, I talk to them about my problems because they don’t talk back . . . they’ll give you their paw or they’ll bump you with their head. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you’re providing them with the love and care they want, need, and deserve but it’s also so relieving knowing that your fur friends are loyal and are there to stay with you until the end.

–

Cassandra Di Lalla lives life purposefully. She enjoys reading, writing and mental health initiatives. She’s an animal lover for life and an innovative individual always finding new ways to create. 

Lies on Love

Posted on by andrew

It’s easy to toss around relationship slogans, but what are the implications of these simplistic principles? Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Fiona Woo picks apart some commonly-held beliefs.

 

As a serial monogamist, I’ve been in a fair number of serious and committed relationships. Recently I’ve been seeing a lot of relationship advice floating through social media that I have to say I fervently disagree with. The bulk of it feels like it’s coming from hurt, pain, and fear instead of truth, love and faith. Here are some of the things I hear and what I believe is true and untrue about each claim from my perspective:

 

  1.       If he wanted to, he would.

 

I love this one. It makes me laugh. Think about all the times you’ve wanted to do something and didn’t. Everybody is wired differently and we have our own ways of reacting to situations. Just because you would do or act a certain way in a situation, does not mean other people would do or should do the same. Ultimately, things are rarely this black and white, especially in terms of romantic relationships. It is important to look from different perspectives:

 

  •       Do their words match their actions?
  •       Do they make you feel safe, or do they withdraw emotionally when things are difficult?
  •       Are they putting in effort in ways that you wouldn’t but still show obvious signs of care?
  •       Does your expectation of effort match the effort you put in and the stage of relationship you’re in?

 

Have the courage to get yourself out of clearly harmful or dishonest relationships, but have the grace to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when they’ve messed up and you know their intentions are pure.

 

  1.       If you don’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.

 

If you take this at face value, you should be able to be a jerk and the other person just has to take it, right? Wrong. It would be lovely if we could love unconditionally, but healthy relationships require boundaries. Obviously everybody has good and bad days, and it is unacceptable to only be kind to your partner when they are happy and pleasant. However, if you think it is your partner’s responsibility to simply accept and love all of your flaws and negative traits, you are mistaken about what love requires. Love is supportive and caring, but it is also honest, and it is not blind. It is our responsibility as mature adults to try to be better and give our partner a pleasant human being to live with. Creating a healthy relationship comes with responsibilities. If you do not want to take on these responsibilities, don’t attach your life to another. In the same way that it is a parent’s responsibility to be pleasant and try to do their best for their children, you have that same responsibility as someone’s partner. At the altar, you are vowing to and promising someone a life that would be better with you than without you. If not, why would people take on the stresses and difficulties of being in a relationship? We must have grace for each other’s downfalls, but also work to give the best version of ourselves to those we love most. Give and take, that’s what it’s about.

 

  1.       You deserve better.

 

I see people use this as an excuse not to put the necessary effort required for relationships or to defer responsibility from themselves onto the other. I laugh to myself when people say this and I think in my head, “But do you, really?” It is fully possible that you actually do deserve better, but I guess I just want to play devil’s advocate and put the responsibility back onto you. Only when you take responsibility for your part in the situation do you have the power to change or fix the problem. Resist the urge to see relationships from a perspective of who’s better or worse. If they don’t meet your needs, then leave.  Relationships are about compatibility. I think that the less we see others as evil, and more as simply human and imperfect, the better our relationships with others can be. Yes this is a very naïve and innocent way of seeing the world, but it’s how I choose to see people. Yes I’ve been burned by this thinking before, but I still think it’s better than the alternative of being cold, untrusting and bitter.

 

  1.       All men are trash

 

This is just a downright dangerous thing to believe. One, all men are not trash, there are plenty of quality men in the world. Two, it’s not like women are much better. There are inherent differences to the ways women and men are wired, and this causes many problems in relationships. Growing up with many close male and female friendships, I can tell you, they are fundamentally different. Men are straight forward, they generally mean what they say and act in accordance to whatever feels right in the moment. Women are convoluted, they craft their messages carefully and act in alliance to what will help them get what they want long term. Herein lies the problem: we communicate and act in different ways. Hanlon’s razor is a principle that says, “Never attribute malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity”. Men want to make their partners happy just as much as women do, and they fail at it just as much as women do. When you look at every man with disgust you will probably get what you are looking for. You must give trust to receive it. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and then if they betray that trust, walk away. Relationships don’t need to be a big game.

 

  1.       If he really loved me, then X, Y and Z . . .

 

This is just a general observation of people’s attachment to what love has to look like or mean. I believe two things:

 

  1. True love is without attachment or expectation.
  2. Relationships are about more than just love.

 

If you believe that relationships work if there’s enough love and don’t if there’s not, your ideas about relationships may be too romanticized. Love is about having care for another regardless of the situation, but having a relationship is about building a life together. Somebody can genuinely love you and still prioritize themselves over you. Selfishness is a natural and necessary aspect of human evolution. The best way to love your partner is with a sense of detachment that allows both of you space to thrive as individuals. On the other hand, if you value partnership, you will have to embrace a level of sacrifice to do things for the benefit of your partnership that may or may not be immediately beneficial to you. Healthy relationships are a balance between the desire to be loved and the desire to give love. The partner who can achieve an ideal balance with you is the relationship worth fighting for.

 

Are there any common relationship notions out there that grind your gears? Vent a little in our comments section, or on any of our social media platforms – that’s what the internet is all about!

Choose Kindness

Posted on by andrew

From Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Ellie Gibbard.

As the world continues to go through devastation and grief, I think that we need to keep reminding ourselves of the phrase “in a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

This week I connected with a young woman in one of my online summer classes who moved to Canada from India three years ago. Seeing her pop up in one of my breakout rooms this week reminded me that her family and friends are still living in India. I decided to reach out and ask her how she was doing with all of the tragic COVID-19 deaths that are occurring there. Her response was heartbreaking – and not just because of what her family is experiencing.

Much of her family have/had COVID-19, including her parents, and some of her close friends are in critical condition. The loss she had experienced was overwhelming. She found it hard to put the helplessness and grief she was feeling into words. Hearing this was hard, but somehow still not the worst part about what she had to say. She said that the messages and words she had received from the non-Indian people in her community had been of blame, hate and disrespect. In response to a “pray for India” post, she received messages like, “Why would we pray for you when you probably didn’t pray for other countries when they suffered?” Others remarked that it was India’s fault and that the country deserved what was happening.

Millions of people are dying. When someone is experiencing loss of any kind, the first response should not be to search for and place blame. Knowing that someone is going through something of this level of tragedy gives us an opportunity to support them and love them, not to tell them that their country asked for it.

As many tragic and devastating events continue to ruthlessly take place around the world, we are provided with opportunities to spread love, or place blame and spread hate. When these opportunities arise, choose to spread kindness and love into people’s lives. Staying educated on why certain things are happening is important, but we can do that while still being kind and supportive.

Choose to spread love, choose to be supportive, choose to be kind.

Love Yourself Like You Love Yourself

Posted on by andrew

During this time of year, the world reverberates with proclamations of love for families, friends and partners, but Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Satkar BK reminds us that we also need to love ourselves with that same energy. 

 

Every February, I can’t help but see all the love in the air. Whether it be watching rom-coms or marriage proposal videos on YouTube, I find myself drawn to the idea of love during the most romantic month of the year. It’s easy to imagine a lot of us being attracted to the idea of love. We, humans, are social creatures by nature, and love is another way for us to be connected. Although science may say love is purely a chemical reaction to help us reproduce as a species, anyone who has ever been in love will tell you that it is so much more. Love can be the greatest feeling in the world, or one of the most terrifying, sometimes at the same time. The feeling of love has fueled incredible things throughout history, from the story of The Iliad to the invention of medical gloves. When we have someone we care for so deeply, we can seemingly accomplish anything. 

 

This leads me to the topic for today’s blog. What would happen if we loved ourselves like we love the ones around us? What if we surprised ourselves with flowers? What if we stayed up late to watch our favorite shows? What if we helped ourselves through our toughest times without any hesitation? It’s remarkable to think of the many things we could do at a drop of a hat for our parents, friends and loved ones, in contrast to how difficult it may be to give ourselves even one compliment. I could tell my partner how her smile could outshine a supernova, but I cringe when I stare too long into a mirror. I could shower my cat with all the affection she can handle, but I struggle with patting myself on the back. What I’ve discovered is the love that I feel for others is so much stronger than the love I allow for myself. 

 

The reason I and many others struggle with treating ourselves the same way we treat others is because we see ourselves for our mistakes and imperfections, and see others for the best versions of themselves. We accept that no one is perfect, but expect perfection from ourselves. This Valentine’s Day, why don’t we take the challenge to love ourselves like we love others. To see ourselves as amazing in the way that others do, and to look past the little problems that exist only to us. This is a difficult concept that I haven’t come close to mastering, but it’s one that is incredibly important. We have an infinite amount of love to give throughout our lives and it would be a shame if we could not give some of that love to ourselves. Even if it’s just a little bit, I ask every single person who reads this to take just a moment, look at all the wonderful things you’ve done in your life, look towards the wonderful things you will continue to do and say, “I love you.” 

 

Loving yourself can be challenging. We all need help in one way or another. Low Entropy is dedicated to helping you . . . yes, you! . . . appreciate how wonderful you truly are: keep an eye on some of the programs we offer and start by telling us what you love about yourself this Valentine’s Day.