Category: Relationship

Toxic Relationships: Finding the Courage to Leave

Posted on by Ness Gale

Faizah Latif (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Romantic relationships for some are a blessing, and for others they present a challenge. Valentine’s Day looks different for each individual, as does the journey of love. When an individual makes the brave step towards leaving a relationship that does not serve them well, it is not an easy decision to come to terms with. Surviving through the toxic relationship, they may not even fully realize that they are in an abusive relationship. It may take friends and family to initially bring up the topic, while the victim of abuse will likely deny it and make excuses for the toxic behaviour. However, one can deeply reflect and identify the symptoms of abuse, and then make the decision of whether or not they want to continue enduring pain in the relationship they are in. Friends and family play a vital role in this process because they will be able to identify how the individual has changed throughout the relationship, likely damaging signs that have impacted their self esteem greatly. Individuals may also realize through therapy sessions, or come to terms themselves, that they are in the middle of what feels like an impossible situation. 

Fortunately, there is hope and a way out, even though it may not feel like it in the moment. It takes a courageous leap of faith. Things will be scary and unclear at first, however it is for the better and greater things are coming. When someone is abused in any way whether emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, the individual experiencing the abuse becomes immune to it. When it turns into a daily routine, they start to think it is normal. It takes a great deal of self-reflection to check in and honestly evaluate where we are. Is this person making me become my worst version of myself? Do I have the capacity to grow with this person? Do they make me happy and feel safe? In being truly honest with answering these questions, it will be clear whether or not the relationship in front of us is healthy or not. 

It can be daunting to imagine what life will be like without this person, and it can also feel very lonely. This is where the right support system helps incredibly. Attending a support group to speak to like-minded individuals will help in developing friendships and allow you to know that every other individual in the room went through a similar experience to you. As this is a huge step in changing one’s way of living, it is important to embody self-compassion and to remember that your journey will look different to everyone else’s. As well, there is no linear path to healing and there will be ups and downs to face. Moments of uncertainty and feelings of self-blame will present themselves. This is not the case, and it is important to acknowledge that no one deserves to be abused.

This new journey ahead feels overwhelming, and it is as if a new life begins. However, this does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. In fact, a new beginning signifies growth, resilience, and a way to carve your own path. Leaving a toxic relationship allows you to develop self-awareness and an ability to truly understand the traits that are healthy vs. toxic in a relationship. This can relate to any relationship in our lives, not necessarily a romantic one. Through leaving something toxic, we can better assess our personal boundaries and how we will not let someone mistreat us again. 

Speaking from my personal experience, a few years ago I left a toxic relationship that did not serve me well. It was very difficult in the moment; however, I am now in a much better place. I was able to learn from this experience. After I left the toxic relationship, I went back to school and started working on myself. I developed new hobbies and truly discovered who Faizah is. I have now almost completed my master’s degree in social work, and I hope to use it to advocate for other women in a similar position that I found myself in. I also run a weekly support group for women to discuss Narcissistic Relationships and how we can empower ourselves to set boundaries and live our true purpose. 

Valentine’s Day and love does not always have to be about a romantic relationship, rather we can focus on self-love and determining our self-worth, instead of chasing it in someone else. We need to focus on being kind to ourselves and to remember that we are exactly where we are meant to be. If you have left a toxic relationship, I want you to take a moment to acknowledge how much strength you have.  May you be a guiding light for others and continue to carve your way towards success.

—

Faizah is an aspiring social worker, currently in the process of completing her Master in Social Work (MSW) degree. She enjoys self development and advocating for important causes in the community. Writing is one of Faizah’s passions, and she is honoured to share her writing on the Low Entropy platform in the hopes of providing inspiration.

What Happens After We Found Love?

Posted on by Ness Gale

Andreza Gonçalves (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer.

Love is a simple, four-letter word that seems to be so complex that many people still struggle to find the real meaning behind it.

Some individuals try to define it in books, chronicles, songs, poems, or even in actions and figures. However, it can be said that love is a personal feeling that exists inside of us and that we need to express in some form and receive back to live a healthy and happy life.

It has already been scientifically proven that the human race is a social species, which means that we have a strong desire to live in community, even if we are more introspective and don’t enjoy socializing. The COVID pandemic was a great example of how a person needs to be in touch with others (even if it happens in the lowest proportion possible) to get help and also to interact and not get depressed from feeling loneliness.

That said, keep in mind that love can be expressed for friends, family, a pet, meaningful objects, or even someone you met, grew to admire, and now wish to marry. This last one is called romantic love and is treated by many as a life goal to achieve happiness.

Some men and women dream about finding someone to marry, have kids, and construct their own nuclear family. A society’s portion even suffers when they notice that it is not that simple to find “the one”, and after they have found them, they feel as if the mission was accomplished and that’s it. 

Of course this idea shouldn’t be generalized, nevertheless, it’s important to mention that loving one another goes way beyond getting married and having children, it can be compared to a seed that must be watered everyday in order not to die. 

To better represent what I want to say, I need to mention a book that sounds pretty coherent to me and that seems to help us understand how it works to “water the seeds of love”. It’s called The Five Love Languages, and it was written by an American pastor, who is also a counselor and writer, named Dr. Gary Chapman.

In his work, Dr. Chapman explains that each one of us has a main love language that demonstrates what we mainly need to feel love. As the book’s title suggests, there are five main languages; acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.

 

These tongues are followed by dialects, but every person has one or two main ways of feeling loved. On the one hand, there are those who sense appreciation when someone cooks them a dish or does the laundry; on the other hand, there are those who experience it when they receive a compliment, a gift, a hug, or attention from a special pal.

With a PhD in adult education, Dr. Chapman proves in his writing that love not only must be cultivated, but that it requires the correct caring. In his thoughts he showed that people who received demonstrations of affection that were distinct from those considered relevant by them tended to not see these actions as manifestations of fondness. This is so serious that some couples were about to split because they no longer felt loved by their once soulmate. 

If you get curious about Dr. Chapman’s doings, I highly recommend you to take his free and online test to discover how you prefer to receive love, so you can get your own conclusions about what has been explained above. 

So, before I faced the Five Love Languages theory, I used to strongly defend the idea that we must acknowledge the appreciation we feel for the people around us, although after it I started to better understand that folks (like my grandmother) were not rejecting my gifts, it was just that it wasn’t the principal way for them to sense my caring. 

After all this reflection we have made about love, we can conclude that love has to be cultivated every day for it not to wither and die, but it also must be cared for correctly. 

It might sound way too hard; however, when you learn how to pour your heart out effectively, it becomes an easier and more valued task that can generate mutual results that are surely worth it both ways.

And remember, if a love tank is full, it is more likely for it to overflow and return to you. Nevertheless, don’t apply this with the intention of receiving anything back, since love is neither selfish nor self-centered.

—

Andreza is a Brazilian attorney, passionate about volunteering, and who wants to cause a good impact in the world. Andreza loves her family, her dog, and traveling. She lives in Brazil and expects you to be touched positively by her words.

Non-Romantic Love: Beautiful and Valid

Posted on by Ness Gale

Eri Ikezawa (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Growing up, I remember love stories playing out through all manners of media—boy meets girl, they fall in love, they encounter trials and tribulations, but ultimately, love triumphs. There are variations, of course, but the recipe for this lauded love story only changes by a pinch more angst and a tablespoon less cliched resolution—not to mention the dire lack of LGBTQ+ and ethnic representation throughout these stories. 

 

We have come a long way since then, thanks to a societal progression that I feel profoundly privileged to witness, but we also still have more to accomplish—and more marginalized communities to represent. It is heartwarming to see love stories including same sex or interracial couples—especially as a mixed child who’d been searching for depictions of couples like my parents in my youth. 

 

Now, there is an area I still think society could still stand to represent and appreciate more—the importance of love in non-romantic form. Whether it is familial love, platonic love, or the love of a pet, all of these forms of love are often overshadowed and undermined in the shadow of romance. 

 

I would like to clarify that I absolutely am not trying to whittle away the significance of romantic love and relationships in the lives of people—but there are many shapes of love that deserve the spotlight as well. Through emphasizing these other types of love, we—as a society—would also be giving comfort to those on the asexual spectrum. 

 

Even for me now, being single from my mid-twenties to the present time, I occasionally find myself feeling insecure and worried about my (lack of) relationship status. But not because I’m inherently concerned—rather, it is the effect of years of societal conditioning and implicit pressure from peers. 

 

There are intermittent moments where I question if there’s something wrong with me or if I should actively be searching for someone before I realize that the voice in my head doesn’t even belong to me. I never feel empty, lonely, or small without a significant other. 

 

And so, as a person who doesn’t put an extreme stock into romance—having no ambition to have children nor being particularly invested in the idea of marriage—I do occasionally wish society and media would demonstrate the same reverence for platonic and familial bonds. Between my close bonds with my family (and pet) and the deep adoration I have for my friends—my chosen family—I have never felt like I have been missing out being a single woman. 

 

I think the pressure oftentimes is infinitely worse for women, heralding women for being mothers and wives, while there is a tacit stigma behind being involuntarily (or voluntarily) childless and unmarried. On the other hand, single men are often viewed as playboys or “silver foxes”—but I digress. 

 

The point is, when I look at the impregnable pillars in my life, from my doting father to my composed mother and to all my reliable, honest friends, I feel so deeply and so strongly that I simply feel fulfilled with all the emotional riches and sentimental wealth I’m blessed with. From my perspective, I truly value my independence to the point where I feel like if a romantic relationship is impeding on my happiness rather than meaningfully contributing to it, I would much rather be alone than wasting energy and making pointless compromises. 

 

None of this is to demonize or disparage people who deeply desire a romantic connection—I simply think society would benefit from focusing on other sources of happiness as well. The steadfast, unwavering support from a friend is just as meaningful to many people as the romantic relationships. 

 

There is even the argument to make that we expect friendships to outlast romantic relationships. That is, people enter relationships knowing that—however improbable or miniscule—there is a possibility that they might part ways with their significant other at some point. People tend to implicitly trust that their long-standing friendships will be lasting and enduring. If this is the case, why don’t we showcase the significance of our friendships in media as often? 

 

The reality is we should be able to decide what we prioritize as being sacred to us—without social or media scrutiny. Although I am never offended, I always do find it wryly entertaining when people ask me why I don’t have a partner at this stage in my life. I can’t help but think, why does it matter? Why do I need one? And if I’m not worried about it, then why are you? 

 

Honestly, the way I look at it, I am currently so focused on accomplishing what I want out of life—I find every personal triumph as an internal accolade, further developing my self-esteem and sense of self. I also profoundly understand that I need my happiness to come from within—I don’t want to outsource contentment and joy, finding a home in someone else. 

 

I believe that if it happens, it will. And if it doesn’t? Well, even now, I am happy with myself and the kind of person I have turned out to be to the point where I fully recognize that my value and worth—especially as a woman—doesn’t come from my relationship status or whether I am a mother. It never has and never will—whether society as a large chooses to acknowledge that is not my problem. 

 

With all this being said, I would like to reiterate again, it is not my goal to mitigate the importance of romantic relationships in any capacity. But it is undeniable that these are the relationships that tend to both take the most precedence in people’s lives and be the primary focus of a lot of media content.

 

I think if people understood and saw that other sources of love can significantly contribute to a fulfilling life, people wouldn’t berate themselves or be scared of “being alone.” Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, as long as you have other balusters in your life, you are—truly—never alone in life. 

–

My name is Eri Ikezawa and I have an extended minor in psychology and a major in linguistics. I’m still on the path to quelling questions about myself and the direction I want to head in, but in the meantime, I have always wanted to find a way to help others and contribute to a community dedicated to personal development and self-love.

Toxins Kill, So Does A Toxic Relationship

Posted on by Ness Gale

Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

A toxic relationship, just like the actual toxin is poisonous, fatal and could lead to damage or an eventual death. While we all have our moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will only take and give nothing but pain in return. However, in an effort to not demonize the benefits of service and sacrifice as part of a good relationship, a healthy relationship is mutually self-giving. These challenges and sacrifices that are healthily accepted should only ebb and flow towards connection and love. 

It would be worthy to note that toxic relationships are beyond the context of romance. Any relationship could become toxic including relationships with co-workers, managers, in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, distant relatives and even towards an object of worship. While many people would defend their toxic relationships only because there is no physical abuse yet, I will have you know that it is only a matter of time till you get to that point, as physical abuse is the extreme manifestation of toxicity. 

Many times, relationships do not end the way they begin, little tweaks, compromises, stretched tolerances made over an extended period changes the dynamics completely. This is even true with human nature and the unending pretense and change we show intentionally and unintentionally. I have learned to become unfazed when someone narrates how their once sweet and tender partner suddenly became a beast. People, especially those closest to us, have a profound impact on our well-being, – though we all experience the difficulties of living and loving imperfect humans, ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy and not frustration.

A while ago, I was at the hospital to visit my neighbor Lila who had suffered a first degree burn from a home fire. With her life hanging in the balance, I couldn’t help but wonder if her situation would be any different had she made other choices, loved herself enough, left her marriage, which has now been blunted by endless abuse. Lila was set ablaze accidentally by her husband while they argued on infidelity on his part, yes, right, “accidentally”. Lila had been married for 10 years, and each of those years had a progression pattern, from silent treatment, being neglected, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, arguments and fights bothered on infidelity and financial irresponsibility, until the climax of being accidentally set ablaze.  The first night I met her closely was the night she had run to my house wearing only underwear. She had a black eye and scratch marks, she had gotten into a fight yet again, not that we are unaware of those high pitched voices and thundering sound from the next house, but there was only so much intervention we could offer. She needed to save herself at the very least. Lila left once with her two kids, we all were happy, rejoicing that she finally chose health and herself, only to see her return after a month on account that her husband had apologized and promised to change. Her mother had advised her to reconcile with her husband as divorce was shameful and not taken lightly in their family, her spiritual mentors had advised her to fast and pray for her husband as it was the devil trying to destroy her marriage.

Conversely, I encouraged her to leave the sickened marriage and suddenly became the enemy. As I sat by her bed side and watched her draw her last breath, I had all kinds of emotions and thoughts running through my mind, there are simply no words to describe the chaos my mind experienced in those moments. Lila is no more, I’m certain there are many women and men like Lila, who held their toxic relationships hostage and refused to let go, with the false hope that things will get better. 

One problem out of many, is that a lot of troubled relationship habits were baked into our culture, we have been enshrined to worship romantic love and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexuality. All genders have been encouraged to objectify each other to the point of seeing marriage as the best achievement and our partners as the prize we win in life. The religious teachings and cultural beliefs of so many people have been flawed to the point of no return. We have been brainwashed into accepting irresponsible partnerships as the only guaranteed pathway to societal recognition and respect.

I could welcome you to my country where single women are abused for not being able to score a man, where single men of a certain age are pressured by all and sundry to get a wife as their generational continuity is in double jeopardy. Welcome to my country where parents force their daughters to remain in an abusive marriage to avoid the shame and opinion of relatives, neighbors and friends. I could welcome you to my country where religious leaders and counselors recommend that couples pray and remain in a toxic relationship. I could welcome you to my country where we blame the devil for our acts of abuse and negligence rather than be accountable. I could welcome you to my country where people scorn each other and compete on which marriage is the happiest using social media as the validation tool. I could welcome you to my country where your married friends cut you off because you are no longer worthy of their presence and status. I could welcome you, but I’d rather not because your country probably shares the same sentiments. 

Many of us entered relationships without realizing that a lot of our beliefs and habits are toxic to begin with. We enter relationships prioritizing love over the core components of a healthy relationship which is respect, trust and affection. With this mindset, we run the complete circle and end up with an emotionally damaged society. As relationships evolve, intimacy becomes companionship, companionship becomes complacency, complacency becomes contempt as the maximum limit of toxicity is now achieved. IT IS TIME TO LEAVE! Build that courage to leave alive or get dragged out in a body bag.

While exploring the signs of toxic traits in a relationship, these stood out the most; From partners who kept emotional score cards to obsession and jealousy, controlling, projection of insecurity, doing the bare minimum while expecting others to always bend backwards. Dishonesty, disrespect, negative financial behaviors, resentments, toxic communications filled with sarcasm, gaslighting conversations and extreme criticism fueled by contempt. These traits led to the unhappiness, ultimate doom and complete annihilation of anything healthy and sweet that was previously available in the relationship. I dare say that the greatest gift you can give to somebody else is the gift of your own personal development, filled with self-love and a healthy sense of confidence. 

The road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not easy. Most people will not be able to scale it and commit towards recovery. There are chances that things could change for the better, however, I write as a prime advocate of mental health, in this instance, I would always prescribe the solution of leaving alive. I always encouraged victims to take a break, to give it all up, to let go of whatever investment is holding them down. I always prescribed the courage to love yourself selfishly while choosing the gift of life and happiness over the pains and exertion.  My prescriptions are usually countered as harsh and extreme, regardless, I stand by my statement and convictions. 

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu. As a firm believer of healthy relationships and self-love, I insist you own your past, take the step towards changing your future, because you are worthy of great love and healthy partnership. 

—

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!