Tag: toxic

Toxic Relationships: Finding the Courage to Leave

Posted on by Ness Gale

Faizah Latif (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Romantic relationships for some are a blessing, and for others they present a challenge. Valentine’s Day looks different for each individual, as does the journey of love. When an individual makes the brave step towards leaving a relationship that does not serve them well, it is not an easy decision to come to terms with. Surviving through the toxic relationship, they may not even fully realize that they are in an abusive relationship. It may take friends and family to initially bring up the topic, while the victim of abuse will likely deny it and make excuses for the toxic behaviour. However, one can deeply reflect and identify the symptoms of abuse, and then make the decision of whether or not they want to continue enduring pain in the relationship they are in. Friends and family play a vital role in this process because they will be able to identify how the individual has changed throughout the relationship, likely damaging signs that have impacted their self esteem greatly. Individuals may also realize through therapy sessions, or come to terms themselves, that they are in the middle of what feels like an impossible situation. 

Fortunately, there is hope and a way out, even though it may not feel like it in the moment. It takes a courageous leap of faith. Things will be scary and unclear at first, however it is for the better and greater things are coming. When someone is abused in any way whether emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually, the individual experiencing the abuse becomes immune to it. When it turns into a daily routine, they start to think it is normal. It takes a great deal of self-reflection to check in and honestly evaluate where we are. Is this person making me become my worst version of myself? Do I have the capacity to grow with this person? Do they make me happy and feel safe? In being truly honest with answering these questions, it will be clear whether or not the relationship in front of us is healthy or not. 

It can be daunting to imagine what life will be like without this person, and it can also feel very lonely. This is where the right support system helps incredibly. Attending a support group to speak to like-minded individuals will help in developing friendships and allow you to know that every other individual in the room went through a similar experience to you. As this is a huge step in changing one’s way of living, it is important to embody self-compassion and to remember that your journey will look different to everyone else’s. As well, there is no linear path to healing and there will be ups and downs to face. Moments of uncertainty and feelings of self-blame will present themselves. This is not the case, and it is important to acknowledge that no one deserves to be abused.

This new journey ahead feels overwhelming, and it is as if a new life begins. However, this does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. In fact, a new beginning signifies growth, resilience, and a way to carve your own path. Leaving a toxic relationship allows you to develop self-awareness and an ability to truly understand the traits that are healthy vs. toxic in a relationship. This can relate to any relationship in our lives, not necessarily a romantic one. Through leaving something toxic, we can better assess our personal boundaries and how we will not let someone mistreat us again. 

Speaking from my personal experience, a few years ago I left a toxic relationship that did not serve me well. It was very difficult in the moment; however, I am now in a much better place. I was able to learn from this experience. After I left the toxic relationship, I went back to school and started working on myself. I developed new hobbies and truly discovered who Faizah is. I have now almost completed my master’s degree in social work, and I hope to use it to advocate for other women in a similar position that I found myself in. I also run a weekly support group for women to discuss Narcissistic Relationships and how we can empower ourselves to set boundaries and live our true purpose. 

Valentine’s Day and love does not always have to be about a romantic relationship, rather we can focus on self-love and determining our self-worth, instead of chasing it in someone else. We need to focus on being kind to ourselves and to remember that we are exactly where we are meant to be. If you have left a toxic relationship, I want you to take a moment to acknowledge how much strength you have.  May you be a guiding light for others and continue to carve your way towards success.

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Faizah is an aspiring social worker, currently in the process of completing her Master in Social Work (MSW) degree. She enjoys self development and advocating for important causes in the community. Writing is one of Faizah’s passions, and she is honoured to share her writing on the Low Entropy platform in the hopes of providing inspiration.

Toxins Kill, So Does A Toxic Relationship

Posted on by Ness Gale

Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

A toxic relationship, just like the actual toxin is poisonous, fatal and could lead to damage or an eventual death. While we all have our moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will only take and give nothing but pain in return. However, in an effort to not demonize the benefits of service and sacrifice as part of a good relationship, a healthy relationship is mutually self-giving. These challenges and sacrifices that are healthily accepted should only ebb and flow towards connection and love. 

It would be worthy to note that toxic relationships are beyond the context of romance. Any relationship could become toxic including relationships with co-workers, managers, in-laws, parents, siblings, friends, distant relatives and even towards an object of worship. While many people would defend their toxic relationships only because there is no physical abuse yet, I will have you know that it is only a matter of time till you get to that point, as physical abuse is the extreme manifestation of toxicity. 

Many times, relationships do not end the way they begin, little tweaks, compromises, stretched tolerances made over an extended period changes the dynamics completely. This is even true with human nature and the unending pretense and change we show intentionally and unintentionally. I have learned to become unfazed when someone narrates how their once sweet and tender partner suddenly became a beast. People, especially those closest to us, have a profound impact on our well-being, – though we all experience the difficulties of living and loving imperfect humans, ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy and not frustration.

A while ago, I was at the hospital to visit my neighbor Lila who had suffered a first degree burn from a home fire. With her life hanging in the balance, I couldn’t help but wonder if her situation would be any different had she made other choices, loved herself enough, left her marriage, which has now been blunted by endless abuse. Lila was set ablaze accidentally by her husband while they argued on infidelity on his part, yes, right, “accidentally”. Lila had been married for 10 years, and each of those years had a progression pattern, from silent treatment, being neglected, emotional, verbal and physical abuse, arguments and fights bothered on infidelity and financial irresponsibility, until the climax of being accidentally set ablaze.  The first night I met her closely was the night she had run to my house wearing only underwear. She had a black eye and scratch marks, she had gotten into a fight yet again, not that we are unaware of those high pitched voices and thundering sound from the next house, but there was only so much intervention we could offer. She needed to save herself at the very least. Lila left once with her two kids, we all were happy, rejoicing that she finally chose health and herself, only to see her return after a month on account that her husband had apologized and promised to change. Her mother had advised her to reconcile with her husband as divorce was shameful and not taken lightly in their family, her spiritual mentors had advised her to fast and pray for her husband as it was the devil trying to destroy her marriage.

Conversely, I encouraged her to leave the sickened marriage and suddenly became the enemy. As I sat by her bed side and watched her draw her last breath, I had all kinds of emotions and thoughts running through my mind, there are simply no words to describe the chaos my mind experienced in those moments. Lila is no more, I’m certain there are many women and men like Lila, who held their toxic relationships hostage and refused to let go, with the false hope that things will get better. 

One problem out of many, is that a lot of troubled relationship habits were baked into our culture, we have been enshrined to worship romantic love and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexuality. All genders have been encouraged to objectify each other to the point of seeing marriage as the best achievement and our partners as the prize we win in life. The religious teachings and cultural beliefs of so many people have been flawed to the point of no return. We have been brainwashed into accepting irresponsible partnerships as the only guaranteed pathway to societal recognition and respect.

I could welcome you to my country where single women are abused for not being able to score a man, where single men of a certain age are pressured by all and sundry to get a wife as their generational continuity is in double jeopardy. Welcome to my country where parents force their daughters to remain in an abusive marriage to avoid the shame and opinion of relatives, neighbors and friends. I could welcome you to my country where religious leaders and counselors recommend that couples pray and remain in a toxic relationship. I could welcome you to my country where we blame the devil for our acts of abuse and negligence rather than be accountable. I could welcome you to my country where people scorn each other and compete on which marriage is the happiest using social media as the validation tool. I could welcome you to my country where your married friends cut you off because you are no longer worthy of their presence and status. I could welcome you, but I’d rather not because your country probably shares the same sentiments. 

Many of us entered relationships without realizing that a lot of our beliefs and habits are toxic to begin with. We enter relationships prioritizing love over the core components of a healthy relationship which is respect, trust and affection. With this mindset, we run the complete circle and end up with an emotionally damaged society. As relationships evolve, intimacy becomes companionship, companionship becomes complacency, complacency becomes contempt as the maximum limit of toxicity is now achieved. IT IS TIME TO LEAVE! Build that courage to leave alive or get dragged out in a body bag.

While exploring the signs of toxic traits in a relationship, these stood out the most; From partners who kept emotional score cards to obsession and jealousy, controlling, projection of insecurity, doing the bare minimum while expecting others to always bend backwards. Dishonesty, disrespect, negative financial behaviors, resentments, toxic communications filled with sarcasm, gaslighting conversations and extreme criticism fueled by contempt. These traits led to the unhappiness, ultimate doom and complete annihilation of anything healthy and sweet that was previously available in the relationship. I dare say that the greatest gift you can give to somebody else is the gift of your own personal development, filled with self-love and a healthy sense of confidence. 

The road from a toxic relationship to a healthy one is not easy. Most people will not be able to scale it and commit towards recovery. There are chances that things could change for the better, however, I write as a prime advocate of mental health, in this instance, I would always prescribe the solution of leaving alive. I always encouraged victims to take a break, to give it all up, to let go of whatever investment is holding them down. I always prescribed the courage to love yourself selfishly while choosing the gift of life and happiness over the pains and exertion.  My prescriptions are usually countered as harsh and extreme, regardless, I stand by my statement and convictions. 

My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu. As a firm believer of healthy relationships and self-love, I insist you own your past, take the step towards changing your future, because you are worthy of great love and healthy partnership. 

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My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!