Tag: depression

Twin B

Posted on by andrew

Cristina Crescenzo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

“What is it like being a twin?” is the question I get asked second-most often, after “What is it like being disabled while your sister is able-bodied?” Those questions are pretty loaded, so I just try to give the simplest answer I can: it’s not easy. From the moment you and your twin are brought into this world, you are labeled with the letters A and B, depending on which one of you made it out first. To most people, I am sure a simple hospital protocol like this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but I took this label to heart and wore it on my sleeve, telling myself it was my fate to be second best. Looking back on my 21 years, I see it had nothing to do with my sister and more to do with my own insecurities that couldn’t help but be fostered as I struggled with daily life as a girl with cerebral palsy.

 

Being a twin felt like being in a constant competition, but it was one where I was only playing against myself. I also want to make it clear that my sister is the most important thing in my life, and I can say that because she doesn’t hold my resentments against me. She knows that my life has extra challenges that I didn’t ask for, so instead of fighting against me in this pointless race, she takes care of me and makes me want to become the best version of myself. However, I would be lying if I said that traces of jealousy don’t still linger. How could they not? My sister said to me once, “Having a twin is like having another you roam the earth, and it’s almost like you are witnessing an alternate version of your life.”

 

We may have the same face, but that doesn’t mean everything is bound to match. It is because of our different circumstances that we were given our own personalities and interests. Thus, the things we got to experience in life were not even close to being a mirror image. For instance, when my sister got to ride her bike, I was doing my weekly physiotherapy, and in high school while she was eating lunch with her friends, I was leaving school to go to counseling for my depression and anxiety. All in all there were some really good moments and some that were really bad. I was so happy growing up with a built-in best friend to hang out with and then,when we got older, I was really sad when I could no longer tag along with her. She had made her own friends. I couldn’t just steal them away and she was doing activities that my social anxiety found challenging. 

 

In conclusion, I am still struggling with the same problems, like believing that she is better than me or that there are moments in life she will have that I feel can’t ever have, such as getting a boyfriend or driving a car. The important part is that I have learned to slowly quiet these thoughts of inadequacy, but it’s still a work in progress. I couldn’t say being a twin is hard for everyone, but I would hope that every twin learns to cherish the unbreakable bond they were blessed with, and just forget about the alphabet.

 

—

 

My name is Cristina Crescenzo and I am a 21 year old English major at Capilano University with hopes of eventually writing YA novels and spreading disability and mental health awareness.

Unless

Posted on by andrew

Anna Bernsteiner (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Yesterday I didn’t get out of my bed at all.

I stared at the ceiling.

And it looked like I was still, doing nothing 

When actually there were thousands of conversations and words 

Floating through my mind

so I was paralyzed and had to listen to them scream.

 

Time felt worthless and so the days passed

And another one and another one and many more after. 

And this would have gone on for eternity 

Sadness and depression can eat you alive 

 

Unless . . .

There is something in you that wants to move. 

Unless . . .

There is something that wants to run, dance, laugh

Unless

there is something that will fight 

 

All you need is a beating heart

And a fighting soul

To rebuild your life. 

Nothing can stop you

Not grief, not pain, not depression

 

You are in control of your reality

You can 

You will. 

 

So today I got out of bed in the morning. 

It took me all the strength I had 

But I made it

And so will you. 

 

—

 

Hi, I’m Anna, I’m a student and I write blogs for Low Entropy. In my free time I like to explore new countries and cultures, try new foods, languages and meet new people, and I try to write interesting articles 🙂

 

The Solace in Words

Posted on by andrew

Bethany Howell (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

COVID-19 stole many things from us. From the great importance of face-to-face contact with loved ones to the simple pleasure of going to the local library, many activities once commonplace were taken away this past year. Even with all of these sacrifices, I would say my greatest personal loss was the beauty of possibility.

 

I had lost my chance to meet an old friend at a café, to discover a new passion roaming the paths of a festival, to find the love of my life walking to my next class. We all know the old adage “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone,” and yet I never truly felt it until I lost my ability to fantasize about possibilities. I realized quite quickly that I relied on this romanticization of day-to-day life to feel good about myself and my place in the world. I also realized that, with these moments now taken away from me, I would have trouble gaining happiness. 

 

Not only had COVID-19 stolen my life, it had also stolen my hope. 

 

Sometime, after months of – in all honesty – doing nothing productive and wallowing in my own grief, I came to realize that something must change; I had to seize my own form of hope from the world around me, no matter how bleak it appeared through the lens of my depression. I had to find something – anything – that would bring me joy. 

 

This is when I discovered writing. It started out with a few simple poems jotted down in a notes app about what I missed pre-pandemic. This small creative outlet quickly grew to a revival of an old blog account where I could post the emotions I was finally able to put into words. I began to post not just about my life, but also my past. I wrote some poems that I would happily show my parents and others about personal topics that still stung to the touch. No matter what, I wrote poems that I was proud of above all else. 

 

In the middle of 2021, over a year since what I refer to as “The Great Loss of Hope,” I applied for a blog-writing position at Low Entropy. I knew that, if I got in, it would give me the chance to share my writing and, hopefully, use it to help others. I jumped at the chance, eagerly and with the gusto of a child. As you can probably guess, I did end up becoming part of the Low Entropy team. 

 

Many people say that the most difficult part of writing is starting, and I fully agree. That blank page can be daunting, especially when all you allow yourself to create is perfection. Through writing, I discovered how my perfectionistic tendencies have stifled my creativity. My ability to express myself has always been guarded behind those high walls of self-protective instinct, and it took months of private writing to finally break through. 

 

Though I can proudly say that now I am able to write freely, that was not always the case. One small thing I can thank COVID-19 for is giving me the time to experiment freely with myself and my writing; I guess that proves that even the biggest challenges can be used for good.

 

I cannot, in good conscience, say that writing completely solved my problems, as I still find myself reminiscing on the past instead of living in the moment; however, I can say that it has helped me finally defeat my fear of failure and that, in itself, has brought me a new form of hope. I now have a healthy hope for my future with writing and a hope for my future with Low Entropy. 

 

This post is not meant to be an advertisement to write, nor is it a statement about the therapeutic benefit of creativity (though I can vouch for it!). I have written this as proof to you – and myself – that there is a bit of light at the end of every tunnel, no matter how long and dark it seems. 

 

None of us could have predicted any of this at the start of 2020 and, though it has been quite the ride, I am glad to say that we have made it through and that right there is something of which to be proud.

 

—

 

My name is Bethany Howell and I am a third-year university student majoring in psychology and minoring in family and child studies. I have a passion for writing and mental health and my ultimate goal since age 13 has been to make a difference in the world through helping others, which is how I ended up here at Low Entropy!

Self-Therapy: An Introduction

Posted on by andrew

Anastasia Lee (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Therapy is expensive. Each session can cost between $60 and $250 or even more, potentially racking up thousands of dollars per patient per year. Although therapy is effective, it is not a solution for everyone, and there is no one-size-fits-all kind of therapy. Everybody’s psychological needs differ, and sometimes professional psychological treatment isn’t enough.

 

Depression and anxiety are becoming more and more common as psychological disorders, especially after a year-long global pandemic. Mental health decline is on the rise, peaking in the past decade, and it is worsening due to debilitating economic conditions. Losing jobs, homes and assets can be traumatic, as being stripped of your necessities can force you into survival mode. The cost of living is becoming more and more expensive. Considering these major challenges and dramatic changes in the environment, it is no surprise that depression and anxiety are becoming more prevalent in our society.

 

Self-therapy, which is any healing tool that provides mental alleviation and emotional support, has the potential to become the future of mental health therapy. It focuses on the individual becoming dependent on their cognitive and support systems, instead of relying on others for therapy. It is bringing back the power to the individual and creating a solid foundation for their mental health. It is not a replacement for therapy with a trained professional, but more so a way to cope with challenging, complex circumstances when one cannot afford therapy.

 

I must re-emphasize that self-therapy is not a substitute for therapy. It is a coping mechanism. There is no professional training required for self-therapy, and therefore it is not considered an form of medical therapy.

 

What is self-therapy?

 

Self-therapy is a potentially effective practice with all kinds of benefits: processing negative thoughts and emotions; coping healthily with trauma; rediscovering unconscious, shadow aspects; reflecting on your actions, habits and behaviors; keeping track of your progress and much more. Self-therapy isn’t limited to a specific set of practices. It is formed and shaped according to the needs and desires of the individual. Self-therapy is very much like self-care; it is for the mind and heart.

 

How is it an effective tool for coping with negative thoughts and emotions?

 

Self-therapy is a channel for self-expression and conscious processing. It brings unconscious and subconscious programming to the conscious surface. It is essential for working through trauma, which is often responsible for negative thoughts and emotions. Whether through journaling, voice messages, videos or other forms of self-therapeutic expression, it is a productive and constructive coping mechanism for releasing heavily suppressed thoughts and emotions. In this way, they do not remain trapped within the psyche, where they wreak havoc on our mental and emotional well-being.

 

How do I prepare for self-therapy?

 

  1. Intention-Setting: Before diving into self-therapy, evaluating your intentions for why you believe therapy is necessary and how you will undergo the process is essential for an effective session. Every session doesn’t have to be the same, and depending on the needs of the individual, the intentions can differ as desired. This intention-setting practice can be performed in various ways: writing down purposes in a journal, repeating them aloud in front of a mirror, sharing them with a trusted friend or family member, or expressing these intentions through art and music, to name a few.

 

  1. Creating a Safe Space: Your sanctuary can be created anywhere. Whether it’s your bedroom or outside in nature, being where no distractions or problems can reach you is the best place to be. It can be by yourself or with a friend or trusted partner, and it is encouraged to have someone assist you in the process if possible. You can put on music or surround yourself with the things you love and appreciate the most in life. Build your safe space as you like, and change your environment as needed.

 

  1. Practice Vulnerability: If you’ve spent years hiding who you truly are from the world, then it’s time to open up and express yourself, finally. Use your voice to talk about your thoughts and emotions. Don’t overthink anything you’re saying. Just speak. Detach from any judgments projected on you. Take it easy on yourself and ease away from being self-critical. It is okay to have flaws and imperfections, and practicing vulnerability requires accepting these aspects of yourself. Become more comfortable listening to your voice, feeling your emotions and hearing your thoughts.

 

  1. Ask Yourself Questions: When practicing self-therapy, it’s essential to guide yourself with the right questions. It is beneficial for you also to ask yourself questions to assist you with your healing process. Write down your own questions and answers throughout each session and, if needed, go completely off track and dive deeper into what needs confrontation. Every session is meant to be for your personal needs, so do exactly what you feel is best for you.

 

  1. Acquire the Right Tools: Self-therapy is relatively cheap and easy. The essential tools needed are a journal, pen and mirror. Of course, these aren’t requirements. Self-therapy can be talked through without notes, but having a mirror may help you connect with your body, language and ways of expression. A journal and pen may be useful for writing down things you want to remember in future sessions, while also tracking your progress and seeing what you need to work on and integrate.

 

—

 

My name is Anastasia. I am 22 years old, and I am from California. Ever since I was a kid, writing has been my passion because it is a channel of self-expression. With every piece of writing, I hope to build a collected masterpiece of art to share with the world.

Pretty Young

Posted on by andrew

Please note that this article examines suicide and suicidal ideation.

 

“That’s high,” I think, staring down onto the slowly moving waves. Hands clenched around the orange-red railing. 

What color even is this bridge? Orange or red? I don’t know. I don’t need to know now. Complete stillness. It seems like time stopped entirely, or at least it has for me. 

Water. 

Cold. 

Death. 

Do I actually want to?

No other way-

“HEY.”

Like a bullet piercing through glass, his voice stops my rushing thoughts. “Hey, what are you doing?”

He is surprisingly calm. It makes me feel calm. Or does it? I don’t respond. 

“What’s your name?”

It’s like my body wants to save me and before I can stop I hear words pouring out of my mouth.

“Okay.” He pauses. “You know how cold that water is, right?” 

“No.” I’m not sure he even heard me. 

“Probably 50, 53 degrees.” Like I can actually feel it, goosebumps start covering my body. Leave. 

Not your life. 

Mine. 

No other way. 

Do it.

No don’t.

Stop.

There is no chance to finish a single thought, constantly interrupted by his voice behind me. So close. It’s not the right timing. There is no other way.

“I don’t know you but you seem pretty young to give up on life now.”

You don’t know, I want to say but am interrupted by a sudden familiar sound. I hear my mother’s voice as if she was standing right next to me. I turn my head.

“If you give me your hand I can help you get back up. It’s not too late. There is always hope. There is always a way.”

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

My thoughts are screaming.

A way. He says there is a way. 

There is just one thing. I’m standing on the edge. On the edge of this bridge which isn’t even golden. Just a rusty dull orange. 

And I’m seconds away from living or dying. 

 

The Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular suicide site in the United States, which has one of the highest suicide rates among wealthy countries. Having spent a lot of time in San Francisco, I used to cross the Bridge regularly, wondering about people who see no other way in life than suicide. How can you help if you don’t know what is going on in someone else’s mind?

 

I came across the story of a young man trying to take his life at the Golden Gate Bridge. An officer rescued him by convincing him to climb back up. The reason the young man decided to live is because the officer actually listened to him. 

 

I have heard stories about people dying by suicide who didn’t seem depressed or unhappy. No one really knows what’s going on inside someone else. Mental health issues like depression and anxiety are an ever-growing problem in our society and can affect anyone.

 

Especially in this isolating time, check-in with your loved ones and make sure they are okay.

 

Mental health issues don’t make you weak or a bad person.

Ask for help. 

You are not alone. 

 

Canada:

 

Canada Suicide Prevention Service: 1-833-456-4566

 

Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: 1-800-463-2338

 

Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645

 

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

 

United States: 

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

 

Disaster Distress Hotline: 1-800-985-5990

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

Practicing Self-Compassion to Improve Mental Health: My Personal Experience

Posted on by vwideski

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Vivien Hannos discusses how being kind to herself creates opportunities for personal growth and improved mental health.

It was 1980, on Valentine’s Day, when I was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. I was only five years old. It was a life-altering diagnosis and the end of my childhood innocence. I had to learn how to administer my own shots of insulin and deal with both high and low blood sugar difficulties.

Low blood sugar reactions happen when there is not enough sugar in the bloodstream due to an excess of insulin. They cause me to become confused and shaky, and it is a life-threatening situation if I do not consume juice or sugar immediately. High blood sugar, on the other hand, is equally bad and, over time, can require limb amputation or result in kidney issues or blindness. 

My parents, at the time of diagnosis, thought that I needed to do a sport so that I would not lose my limbs to diabetic complications. My dad signed me up to learn to skate at Kerrisdale Arena, and that is where my love of skating started. It wasn’t long before I was wrapped up heavily in the competitive figure skating way of life. I practiced for hours and fell many times in my attempts to land new jumps so I could compete at a high level of skating.

Figure skating, being a subjective sport, relies on judges to determine the rankings of the competitors. I believe that over time, as a result of my disordered thinking of being judged continuously and my desperation to try to advance my ranking, I often examined myself in my attempts to fix my faults and gain a competitive edge. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was learning how to be too self-critical. For example, judges would look at how you behaved, what you wore, your facial expressions and how your body looked, and these were all factors in how one would place in rankings. I dwelt on my negative attributes daily and gave myself constant self-criticism.

According to Dr. Aaron T. Beck, the creator of cognitive behavioral therapy, depression can be caused by negative thinking. Therefore, spending a lot of time in a state of negative self-reflection as I did, can and did lead to an altered mood.

To make matters worse, severe depression, if left untreated, can cause a shift into psychosis, which leaves a person unable to tell what is real and not real while in that state. 

This is exactly what happened to me. I got sick with psychosis in 2006 after suffering unknowingly with depression for many years. At the time, leading up to the diagnosis and after already completing my university degree in communications, I was in a school that was training me for medical transcription and under a lot of stress, which put further strain on my brain.

This mental illness devastated me because of many factors. Not only was I humiliated to have a mental illness because of the stigma around mental health issues, but I also felt unlovable and rejected by society.

Psychosis is a serious mental illness, but is treatable with proper medication, which can bring the individual back into reality. As long as the medication is taken at an appropriate dosage, the state of being disconnected from society can be rectified. However, all you hear in the news are stories of people who are violent with mental illness. This is actually quite rare, but stigma remains.

I was brought under the careful watch of a psychiatrist, and with medication and talk therapy (cognitive behavioural therapy), I was told and shown that I was actually very hard on myself. This was the turning point.

I needed to change, and changing is very hard to do. It takes practice. I started to look at myself as imperfect beauty: I am beautiful because of the flaws that I have, not ugly because of my flaws. After retraining my brain to think in this manner by writing in my journal daily, I found that relationships were easier to maintain, and my confidence in myself grew.

I also found that allowing myself to make mistakes frequently, without judging myself, helped as well. It wasn’t long before I noticed that my mood was improving. My mood was further helped with an antidepressant, but the real benefit is from the positive self-compassion I have now.

Have you experienced your own journey toward self-compassion and kindness? Share your stories in the comments, or check out Low Entropy’s services for opportunities to spread positivity to others in a virtual meeting.