Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
Tragedies of life are almost unavoidable no matter the route you take. Some-way, some-how like poison ivy, it attaches to your skin, makes you uncomfortable, phases you out, beats you down, knocks you off. In all of these theatrics, you could fall many times, stumble, stagger, give up, relapse, get better, move on, relapse again, throw in the towel or build resilience for real. The unending cycle and nightmare just seems to double more than the 360 degree route of emotions anyone could possibly attain. The question remains, which route is easier when pursuing stability? Relapse countless times or simply accept defeat and end it all?
“I am giving it all up, I gave it my all and can’t seem to get any better, I am tired of giving everyone around me reasons to be concerned, I no longer want to be the complainant, drama queen and attention seeker in my family and among my friends, I am going to my peaceful place and hope everyone gets their peace too. Sorry for all the pain I caused, I really really tried.” These were the exact notes Benita Ima-Abasi left as she ended her life. We were all livid and numbed after her body was discovered by her neighbor. Ima, as we all fondly called her, had been our friend for about 5 years, she was the most cheerful and tender spirited in the group. I was in total shock for days as I had seen her two days earlier.
A few months preceding her death, Ima had lost her job at the nations monument bank barely six months after being promoted to the managerial level. She would often complain to us about the challenges of being a female boss and how she had to work twice as hard to command respect. After three months, she assured us of “totally killing it” followed by the news of her demotion and ultimate termination for an event she described as a “setup”. We all encouraged her, checked in on her, helped update her resume and sent new opportunities her way. She was doing better every day, she brightened up, although there were days she cried hard and sulked. In the end, we all assumed it was her process and believed she would get up and move on, who knew that she was sinking deeper and deeper into the dark side until she was enveloped by the hands of chronic depression.
In the evening that I saw her last, I had asked, “Ima, how are you doing for real?” She gave the generic answer we all give to such a question, “I am fine my dear.” Before she could go any further, I was distracted by the sight of the neighborhood clown who liked her. We all began to laugh and jumped from one story to the other. When the news of her death was shared, I wasn’t sure if it was the lie she gave me as an answer or the fact that I didn’t care enough to get the real answer that killed her. The lies we tell!
Sometimes, when you are very close to someone, you are usually the last to know about their demons. The masks we wear as smiles, the lies we tell to make ourselves believe are often the reason for our unhappiness and ultimate doom. Relapse is a normal recovery process and not the failure of it. Very often there are many stages people struggling with recovery go through before they can finally heal, be it emotional, mental or physical. The hardest part is accepting that the actions we struggle with are addictive and harmful to us. Alcoholism, sex addictions, shopping addictions, drug abuse, chronic depression are all examples of daily struggles we try to overcome time and time again.
I have encountered many people with different addictions who wished to get better, who relapsed frequently and those who could not win their battles and accepted defeat They all had similar reasons for their state of mind which in no particular order included; Societal influence and judgements against those suffering from addiction and mental illness, lack of a close support system, financial incapacitation, high cost of treatment and rehabilitation homes, scarcity of safe spaces to share and unburden their minds.
In my awakening, it was clear that I too had failed as a friend, confidant and shoulder to cry on too many times, just like many of us have failed to acknowledge our roles in human relationships. We have often asked others how they are doing without really listening intently to those answers, we have often blocked out people’s feelings because we are saving ourselves from being desensitized. We have called people’s emotions ‘weak’ because we failed to acknowledge the disparity distribution of courage and pain threshold. We have advised people to “snap out of it” without empowering them with the right tools and environment. We have judged, harshly dismissed and meted out unfair treatments, we have stigmatized mental health to the point that no one would accept help from us. We have become the biggest nightmares to ourselves that accepting defeat has been the best solution to most challenged people. In order to help our family and friends through their struggles, it is important that we enlighten ourselves on cognitive therapy interventions and reframe how relapse is viewed and work towards changing the views of those who need them.
My biggest resolution of not letting anyone around me feel defeat, hit rock bottom or at least face them alone have often been countered by situations beyond my control. However, I keep trying my best to be a better friend, to listen more, to be available and present, to be supportive, to be more understanding, to be open minded, to learn, to reach out, to fall and rise, to offer hope, to be the hope, to accept help and to give the same, to love unconditionally and without reservation, to go the entire nineyards without looking back at my fears, to conquer, to celebrate and be celebrated, to take pride in my little accomplishments, to appreciate myself and others. To give hugs and let myself be wrapped up in warmth. To give kisses and accept them as they come. To have, to hold, to cherish and most of all, to accept that life is worth living. To embrace relapse and reject defeat. To live each day with contentment. To hope against hope that everything will be alright, to imagine that the odds would forever be in my favor.
My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have laughed the loudest, cried the hardest. I have been thrown down and stomped on, but also received love more than my heart can contain. I never gave up, I stood up in hope and found my center. I hope you can too!
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My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I have lived in a bubble and also experienced real life hurt. I pulled through the toughest times through acceptance and a positive outlook. Stay positive, pals!