Tag: Parenting

An Analysis on Parenting and Parent/ Child Relationships

Posted on by andrew

Esther Aliu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

As a child, I would always refer to my mum as my best friend. Why? The simple answer is that I was a child who was super attached to her mum. This was also largely based on sentiments and emotions. Though my mum was and remains everything to me, Will I call her my best friend? Yes, for sentimental reasons. 

 

I watched a talk show a while ago and the guest speaker, who was speaking on friendships, touched on not being friends with her mum. She said she and her mum had to have a talk about what type of relationship they were going to have; were they going to be best friends or have a mother/ daughter relationship. The speaker said she told her mum she’d rather have a mother/ daughter relationship. She explained that it did not mean she and her mum weren’t close or that she couldn’t share important details about her life with her mother. They just understood the role they played in each other’s lives. I rather enjoyed this take and I always refer back to it in conversations. We tend to think that if we aren’t best friends with our parents, it means there is a distance between us but that isn’t the truth. However, the job of a parent isn’t solely to keep the child alive so that they can find friends when they get to school. This is also false and can be inherently dangerous. 

 

The Job of a Parent Goes Beyond… 

 

The job of a parent goes beyond providing food and shelter for the child. Yes, this is important and cannot be understated. But a parent must do more than that. They are their child’s first point of contact with the world, hence they need to make sure their children are well-equipped with the tools to live a well-functioning life. To achieve this, parents must connect with their children on an emotional level. A lot of children who lacked this emotional closeness with their parents in their childhood can attest to the fact that even though they know how to treat people respectfully and how to take care of their bodies, their soul is damaged due to neglect. 

 

Before we go further, I’d like to define what a friend/ best friend is.

 

Who is a Friend/ Best Friend? 

 

I will define a best friend or a friend as someone or something that feels safe. A place you can go without feeling like you have to put up a guard or keep things to yourself. If we take the word friend and replace it with ‘a safe space’ then every parent should be their child’s friend. I believe looking at things through this perspective changes the way parents approach relationships with their children. I have always felt safe with my Mum. I know that I can share anything with her and she won’t judge me. 

My mum is my safe space not so I can call her out of her name or call her by her first name (I’m African, and that is the highest form of disrespect), she is my safe space because she tells me the truth on days when I don’t want to hear it just as much as she laughs with me. That is my idea of a safe space. 

I find the words “Friend/ best friend” tend to be based on sentiments anyway. 

 

On the other hand, parents usually equate the idea of being besties with their children as stooping to the level of a child or that if they are too friendly with their children it could cause the child to be disrespectful. This is why I would rather use the word ‘safe space’. Parents are authority figures and always will be. But they must be able to balance it out. They need not be too strict with their children; parents need to understand their children in order to know what behaviors to nip in the bud, the ones to tolerate, and the ones to encourage. Parents also need to understand their children in order to know how best to raise them. No two children are the same therefore, one rule cannot apply. Take for instance a parent raising two children; one learns fast and does well in school. The other is slow at understanding things and doesn’t do as well as the first. Parents need to understand that their approach needs to be different. 

 

While I am not for or against parents being best friends with their children, I believe the style of parenting needs to change.

 

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Mental Health & My Son

Posted on by andrew

Neema Ejercito (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I hate my mother’s heart sometimes. I think I complained about this to my husband when our boys were both toddlers. When I had just been freed from breast-feeding, upgraded to a stroller that doubled as a shopping-bag hanger, and had them bring their own mascot-brand bags complete with water bottle, snack, wipes, pull-ups, and a change of shirt. I told my husband how unfair it was that we fell in love with our boys in spite of being peed, pooped, and barfed on. The sleepless nights, the painstaking balance between taking the high road vs. meltdowns, and then the reward of it all is that they can leave us and function as independent adults?!

 

Although I have somehow shared this sentiment with my boys, I have also always ended with the fact that I would not have it any other way and that I would do anything I can for them. I am very fortunate that my boys, now in their teens, talk to me candidly about their friendships and fears. Lately, I’ve noticed that even after they’ve told me something that bothers them, even if they’re okay after having done so, the sadness, disappointment, worry, whatever it is, stays with me. And I just have to have my own thing to get through what they’ve just shared. I’m thankful I have that in my husband.

 

Today, we allowed our son to take a mental health break. What started off as a regular school day started to feel peculiar when he kept lingering around me and my husband and hugging us over and over again. I finally asked him what was up, and he shared that the bombing of Ukraine really shook him (sorry for the pun). I had told him before about a comedian who talked about how adults and kids are living in reverse now. When this comedian asked his adult friends how they were doing, they talked about video games they played or movies they’d seen. But when he asked the same of his teen nieces and nephews, they talked about politics or climate change.

 

Just like this comedian, I was worried for our teens and for mine even more particularly. My gut reaction to comfort my son was to tell him to play video games but he had already been playing a lot of them. Instead, I tried to tell him that the best way that he could help in the situation was to actually make the most of what he had, to go to school, do his best, etc. I told him that right now, a teen his age in Ukraine would be wishing he were anywhere else but there and that all he had to think about was the boredom of school.

 

I asked him if staying home would help, and he said it just didn’t seem fair that he would get to stay home on top of what was happening. I told him that Daddy had done the same for me when I was down to the point of paralysis, and that we would do the same for him. At that point, he relented and went up to his room for a bit.

 

The thought that I had two other kids to get to school kept me from completely breaking down, but as I loaded up the dishes into the dishwasher, I could feel the hot tears about to burst. It was a good thing my eyes caught my other son’s sandwich still in the toaster oven. He might forget to bring it to school again. I reminded him about it, and thankfully, he cracked a joke.

 

So today, just as my husband has done for me countless times before, we are taking my son out on a mental health date. I am so, so happy he came to me, and that we can still do something about it with him. I feel for teens similar to him, who are overwhelmed by the world that we teach them to be positive about, even though we’ve made such a sh*t pile of a mess.

 

I really don’t have any answers for my son. I don’t even have any for myself! All I know right now is, I’m here for him.

 

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Neema Ejercito is a professional writer, director, and creative writing mentor. Her 3D edutainment series for beginning readers, AlphaBesties, is showing in YouTube Japan and Prairie Kids. When she’s not writing or mentoring, she manages her household with her very supportive husband and three children.

To My Lola

Posted on by andrew

Julia Magsombol (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I was eight when some good old friends of my grandma condemned me. I’m reluctant to share this, but I was snooping around in their home. I touched their different combs and tried them on. I applied their makeup powder on my face shamelessly, and I went dancing by myself in front of their mirrors.

 

They looked at me with a surprise on their faces, and they said, “Dyos ko ano ka ba?” — “My God, what are you?” I heard them murmuring awful words to my grandma. I knew that they somehow questioned how my parents had raised me. 

 

Now, thinking about that incident, I’m humiliated. I know I was a kid then, but I should have behaved properly because that was what my grandma and my parents had always taught me in the first place. But I guess kids often don’t grow up until time and circumstances force them to. 

 

But how much blame can we really put on a parent for the actions of their children? Do we blame the parents for how they raised their kids? Or do we blame the children for how they decided to grow up? 

 

Those questions still wander in my head, because there aren’t any right or wrong answers to them. And perhaps it depends on the situation of each family. It depends on every choice of each parent and each child. 

 

Like many others, I still wonder how much blame we can put on either party. But I was sure of one thing. Parents always affect their children’s lives in many different and complicated ways, for better or worse. 

 

It may be difficult, but I hope that blame will vanish when it comes to judging parents and children, and perhaps the lives we live. To grow, heal, and make peace with oneself is far better than blaming anyone. 

 

Going back to that story, it wasn’t my parents who raised me at that time. Both of my parents were always busy. It was my grandma who raised me. I knew she partly blamed herself because she realized that she alone might not be enough to raise a kid. I’ve learned that it takes a village to raise a kid, and help is always needed. Looking back on that time, I always thank my grandma for raising me alone. I thank her for giving me the love I have always deserved, and I don’t blame her for anything. Thank you, Lola! 

 

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Julia Magsombol is currently a journalism student from Edmonton, Canada, who desires to bring hope to people through her writing. When not writing or reading, you can catch her sewing clothes, painting nature and drinking instant coffee.

Role Models and Inspirational Guides

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Sue Turi (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

They say parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, and just one glance across the internet proves this. Most likely, if you’ve started reading this article, it’s because you’ve joined the other side. I call it the other side, as becoming a parent for me really felt like a door had been shut on one world and brutally flung open on another.

 

Regardless of whether parenthood is planned or unintended, it’s an adjustment that lasts one’s lifetime with endless online resources serving only to further complicate one’s navigation of this world. No sooner are you relieved at feeling competent and in control of a situation than you are jolted out of your comfort zone by a child’s mysterious fever or sudden temper tantrum. Parenting is an emotional rollercoaster ride between moments of jubilation and pride, and periods of insecurity about oneself — often trying to look as if you have it together while feeling ineffective and lost. Frustration and loneliness as a result of this ride can be frequent visitors even when one is surrounded by family members and friends. Where once as a singleton you were engaging personally and conscientiously with the world,  now you engage through the lens of your larger-than-life child and their unbridled free spirit. 

 

Parents were, once upon a time, little children themselves, and this is often forgotten when they become parents in turn and are assigned the responsibilities of role models by society. Perhaps as children they were lucky enough to have had a big brother to look up to, a grandmother as a confidant or a school teacher as a mentor.

 

But there are just as many new parents who have had few or no inspirational guides to model their parenting internship on, leaving them to tread water when faced with the challenges of a rebellious child or a non-communicative teenager.

 

When I became a new parent, the last thing on my mind was being a role model for my child. I was focused on the now — ensuring my baby was comfortable, fed, bathed and entertained. I sometimes went without eating or sleeping in order to care for her needs. I was the role model for neglect and dishevelment, while every other parent seemed to have the solution to a satisfied, disciplined, and sleepy child all worked out. Advice, though well-intentioned, was seldom adapted to my personal circumstances.

 

The term role model to me suggests an act that one is supposed to perform in order to set a good example. Model similarly implies being a mold of a person and perhaps for this reason I have resisted conforming to a stereotype of what a good parental model is supposed to be. Being a role model is often associated with words such as strength, discipline, courage and responsibility, but less with words such as honesty, humility and kindness — especially towards oneself.

 

As a parent, I initially adopted my own mother’s view of parenthood, which meant unquestioning servitude towards my child and society. The reality was that motherhood in the 1960s meant domestic slavery: having a clean home, obedient kids and a satisfied husband who ultimately held the economic power. After many fruitless journeys through parenting self-help books, I came to realize that being a role model serves more to reassure the community of one conforming to an established moral standard than to accommodate individual families. As each family’s needs are as unique as its members, re-framing parents as inspirational or spiritual guides for their kids avoids the frequent tendency to hold parents up as unrealistic examples of perfection to be followed.

 

When my mother was ultimately forced to abandon her traditional role and find a job after my father abandoned her, she was left feeling empty and resentful of her diminished moral and economic status. She was ill-prepared to assume the dual role of mother and father, proving that a societal role model can be an empty shell without substance. My father eventually succumbed to alcoholism and, in turn, shattered his idealized role as symbolic and economic head of the family. If my mother had seen herself as more of an inspirational guide, she may have seen her relationship with my sister and me as one of mutual growth, rather than of servitude and discipline, and my father may have forgiven himself enough for his moral weakness to have nurtured a relationship with his daughters outside of a failed marriage.

  

One of the discoveries I made early on as a parent though, was that there’s no single style of parenting or role model, despite pressure from the community to conform to a singular standard. I was a hippie parent in a conservative community at the time, and my parenting style was often frowned upon for its flexibility and eccentricity. I was unwittingly living out my inner flower-child belief that relationships, even from infancy, are a fluid two-way street, as a child’s health is directly dependent on a parent’s well-being. I was in fact being an inspirational guide without ever giving myself credit for it. If only I had been able to create enough emotional and mental distance from societal expectations of what a role model was supposed to be, so that I could laugh at and feel relaxed about my personalized parenting style instead of feeling pressure to teach my kids how to tie shoelaces by a certain age and have dinner prepared at a certain time every night. If only I could have valued my personal approach to parenting more than worry about conforming to my communities’ expectations.

 

A quote I overheard a few years ago put it mostly into perspective for me: You don’t need to be the perfect parent, just an adequate parent. 

 

Pearls of wisdom are cultivated by parents who acknowledge their own vulnerabilities and inner child to become inspirational guides. It’s being this inspirational guide that I’m hoping I’ve managed to transfer to my own children, to be a source of strength for when they in turn become parents themselves. 

 

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Sue Turi is a writer, illustrator and painter living in Montreal, Canada with a degree in fine arts. She began her career as a production artist for design studios and ad agencies, before deciding to devote herself purely to self-expression through writing and painting. She is currently at Concordia University majoring in creative writing and English literature.

Parenting Between the Lines

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Fiona Woo (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Parenting is one of the most important tasks we can do in our adult lives, yet we receive no formal training on it before we get thrown into the deep end. Our parents’ influence on us as children lays the foundation for our entire perception and experience of life, yet most of us don’t take the time to understand or acknowledge how their parenting has impacted us. Recently, the trend I’ve been seeing in popular culture has been toward “gentle parenting.” This philosophy on parenting comes as a response to the emphasis on the importance of emotional acuity. This sometimes gets misconstrued as the directive to never say no to your child, or to give them everything they want. This would be a misguided approach and understanding of gentle parenting. The goal is to instill emotional intelligence, safety and security in our children’s lives. It is hard sometimes to decipher all of the seemingly conflicting messages that we receive about parenting. On one hand, you are told to allow a child to have the freedom and autonomy to choose and consent to what happens in their life, but on the other hand, you must protect them and ensure they make safe choices. So how do we balance these competing demands?

 

In order to answer this question, I think it is valuable to reflect on our own lives and experiences of childhood. My parents were very strict with me when I was young. Expectations were high and leniency was slim. As I got older however, they gave me a lot of freedom and entrusted me with taking responsibility for my choices. Nowadays, I don’t think my parents’ parenting styles would be widely accepted in popular culture because they said no to me a lot and had a strong desire for me to be a ”good child” and achieve excellence. Now it is not seen in such a positive regard to project your own desires as a parent onto your child. Now, you are expected to create a blank slate on which the child can become whomever they would like to be. Having worked with a lot of children and studied the topic of parenting, I completely understand where this desire comes from and the merit behind it. However, I also see the downfalls and impact that a lack of boundaries and structure can have on developing children.

 

In this new, hyper-aware era of parenting, I believe it is important we find the delicate balance between the two extremes in an attempt to create a healthier and more successful future generation. In this version of parenting, I imagine a space for both boundaries and freedom, a space for children to safely and securely explore themselves and the world around them at age-appropriate stages. A structure that will allow parents to develop their children’s emotional and mental intelligence so that the child has a solid foundation from which they can strive to reach their potential. This will not mean saying yes to everything and letting the child be free to do as they please, but instead, creating firm proverbial safety rails from which the child’s imagination can develop and soar. This will also not mean yelling at your children and forcing them against their will, but guiding and redirecting when necessary to help them understand that you are there to protect them and you will do that job whether it is what they want or not. Building resilience, kindness, self-esteem and security will allow our children to grow into strong adults who are capable of doing great things in the world and being caring members of society.

 

Ultimately, I believe we teach children so much more with who we are than what we say. I think prioritizing our personal growth and healing will guide us in our parenting journey far more than trying to figure out the perfect parenting tip or strategy. The thing our children need more than anything else is love. Unconditional, unadulterated love. If we can give that to them, even with some bumps and bruises along the way, they will have everything they need and more. 

 

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A longtime lover of all things personal development and well-being, Fiona is a psychology major and certified life coach. With goals to reduce anxiety and provide clarity and direction for struggling new grads, Fiona seeks to open raw and vulnerable conversations in her writing. Other than writing and psychology, Fiona loves the ocean and you will never see a bigger smile on her face than when she’s on or by the water.

 

 

Qualities of Great Parents

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Grace Cheng (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

What are the attributes of good parents? Several qualities come to mind, but those that should be most prominent are love, care and support. These characteristics can help parents guide and support their children while also providing them with assistance when necessary. While all parents make mistakes, what matters is the effort that they make in becoming excellent parents.

I am fortunate to have good parents. They have instilled in my brother and me a system of core values that has defined who they are. They kept their promises and honoured commitments. My parents, especially my father, functioned as excellent teachers and powerful role models in the lives of both my brother and myself. My father lived his life with his values of having good moral standards, work ethics, integrity and character. Furthermore, he had taught me how to be a student of learning and the importance of continued education. I have learned from my parents the value of being responsible and taking accountability for my actions and behaviours. My upbringing has had a positive influence and has shaped and impacted my present-day life. 

Exceptional parents can make all the difference in their children’s life. They offer support, guidance, and a sense of belonging. Parents work relentlessly and sometimes without recognition. In the end, however, these efforts show in the sound, well-adjusted children they raise.

 

Qualities of Good Parents

  • Show Unconditional Love

      Showing unconditional love is the greatest quality of a good parent. No matter how upset  

      parents are at the faults of their children and whether they lament that they did not achieve      

      what they wished for their children; they still love them regardless.

  • Accept That Their Children Are Not Exactly Like Them

       Parents understand that every individual is unique. They would not expect their children to 

       live the same way they do or to do the same kind of work they do. In addition, they respect

       their children’s values and opinions, provided they do not harm the family or anyone else.

  • Supportive and Loyal

      Good parents are their children’s public defenders, advocating for them when necessary.

      They wait for privacy before disciplining their children. Parents serve as safety nets for their    

      children and are the people who they turn to when things go wrong.

  • Educate Children to Appreciate Things

       Excellent parents never allow their children to take their possessions for granted. They  

       make their children see the value of everything they possess, from the food on the table to  

       the education for which they are paying.

  • Spend Quality Time with Children

      Parents understand how to entertain their children. This may involve taking them to games 

      and movies and showing interest in their sports, hobbies or other activities. They take time to 

      listen to their children and to have a good, easy conversation with them. In addition, they 

      spend time helping their children with their homework, if necessary, every night.

  • Discipline Children

       Setting and enforcing boundaries for your children is extremely important. Parents should

       establish guidelines and rules that are aligned with their values and purposes. The rules 

       must be consistent, clear and attainable. The consequences should be fair and logical.

  

  • Trust Children

      Parental trust is important for children. Whenever children violate this trust, parents 

      communicate openly, discipline and explain why they are disciplining. Additionally,  

      parents should act in such a way that their children can trust what they say and what they do.

          

  • Focus on Positive

      They should encourage their children to have a positive outlook on life rather than a negative one.

      The ability to process negative events and situations is important, but good parenting 

      also involves guiding your children toward positivity and forward movement.

 

  • Provide New Experiences 

      Provide your children with a variety of new experiences within your means. Use books,    

      lessons, and other resources to encourage your kids’ interests. Expose your children to new 

      activities, places and people. Let them experiment with a variety of activities without 

      pressuring them to choose one.

  • Ability to Manage Stress

        Good parents must be able to manage their stress and temper, which will lead to well- 

        adjusted children. Children are often influenced by the way that their parents deal with 

        stress by mirroring their behaviour. If parents are unable to cope with stress, their kids will 

        likely feel anxious and isolated as well. Children would learn how to handle stress if they

        observe how their parents manage their emotions in difficult situations.

          

In conclusion, good parents provide a strong foundation for their children, allowing them to grow into happy and successful adults.

 

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Grace has an accounting and finance background. She enjoys reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and playing sports.

Legacy by Force

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Ugochi Guchy Kalu (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

The question of legacy over happiness is a forbidden question in a typical African home. You are not allowed the boldness to choose happiness over succeeding your parents’ legacy and continuity. Growing up in a 100% African home, I would know that.

 

When it comes to career choice, there are only four options. A medical doctor, a lawyer, an engineer or a “disgrace to the family.” How laughable that any pursuit outside the first three options is considered demeaning, inappropriate and delusional. Many parents of the 80s and 90s had careers centered on engineering, medicine and law. It is no wonder there were thousands of law firms, family clinics and private garages that required the first son or daughter to step up and take over when their parents retired or passed on in my community. The pressure!

 

I vividly remember being dressed in a lab coat during career day in my primary school and everyone calling me “Doc.” I excitedly recited the speech my mum wrote about neurosurgery, and everyone looked at me with pride and applauded. I felt like a real life hero that day. Shockingly, in middle school, I showed up as an “actress” during career day, delivered a very powerful monologue (if I do say so myself) and, much to my amazement, there was little clapping and more mumbling. Then came the speech from my parents afterwards. “We want to  believe today was just an act. Let it just end as a display, do not think ‘acting’ will take you anywhere in life.” That mild warning that came off as a threat changed me beyond recognition. All the decisions that I would make moving forward were centered on it. 

 

Changing the narrative and doing the exact opposite of my parents’ desires became a life goal. I wanted to prove a point, I craved liberation, I fought to become my own person, to study whatever made me happy and fulfilled, or simply do what made my parents unhappy. This rebellion was a more powerful drive than the demands of obedience. Looking back, I became everything opposite that was expected of me. From dropping out of medical school to study physics, to abandoning science to get an MBA, to escaping into creative writing, I would say my parents were forced to embrace my journey, give little accolades where due and accept that even though I “disappointed” them, I did not disappoint myself. 

 

Conversely, there have been children who showed great interest in family business, tradition and belief. These interests are usually obvious from childhood, in a child wanting to follow in their father’s or mother’s footsteps. In this case, it becomes easier for such a person to transition smoothly into the expected position. There should be a time where a parent explains why it is important that their legacy be inherited by a child; in this instance, the child should be given the chance to think thoroughly whether they want to step into such big shoes. 

 

Succession planning in a typical African home, especially in Nigeria, is a hard and fast law. Facing a range of parental approaches, from unyielding rigidity to downright forcing a career down one’s throat, is a right of passage for every young African child. And oh, I will not include the legacy of marriage of convenience when it comes to tribes, clans and social status. That in itself is a different legacy being fought over in most African homes. The millennial parents have become somewhat more flexible than their predecessors, however, career stratification is so genetically enshrined that emancipation remains a continuing fight. Isn’t the most important thing the happiness, fulfillment and purposeful life of one’s child?

 

I dare say that the consequences of forcing legacy down the throats of children have often resulted in children who became distant, disowned, dysfunctional, manipulative, unhinged, unhappy, cold and recalcitrant. And of course, the cycle usually continues.

 

While we cannot fault parents who want an assumed best for their children, we can all take a clue from parents who have tried and failed. Are legacies important? Of course they are. Is family heritage and preservation important? Yes, that goes without saying. Be it the handing down of business, property, religion, belief or practice, we can still keep legacies in our families without force, threats and manipulation.

 

Good news! Some 21st century parents are on a mission of breaking the bias, thereby giving Gen Zs the freedom of choice they deserve. I am not a parent yet, but I do know better than to shove my desires for legacy down the throats of my children. I believe good parenting is handing children tools, encouragement, motivation and assistance to become what they want and not what we desire of them, and being proud of every little achievement, cheering them on, gently pushing them back to the right when they err, and praying with fervent hope that they succeed no matter what.

 

Indeed, parenting is hard and daunting from every angle and there is no general rule book on what works and doesn’t work. However, when it comes to succession, I am of the opinion that individual legacy is far more fulfilling than legacy handed down, particularly when it’s handed down by force. 

 

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My name is Ugochi Guchy Kalu, I am a creative writer, business administrator, physicist, idealist and advocate for good governance. I like to look at life from various colour wheels, knowing that perfection exists only in our fantasies. Succeed anyway!