Tag: Dream

Long to Stay

Posted on by andrew

Max Rodriguez (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

This has been the trickiest, most weird year I have ever had. So many things I used to believe in for my whole life were suddenly not what I expected. I could honestly write a thousand blogs about everything I had to go through when I moved to Canada, but today I just want to share my perspective about my experience growing older, becoming an adult, and experiencing the world as it is for the first time.

 

Do you remember when you were a kid and wanted to become an astronaut? Maybe you wanted to be a veterinarian because you loved puppies, or maybe you played soccer with your friends every day to be just like your favorite player. Then you probably learned about computers and all you wanted to do was to be a singer, or an actor/actress, or I don’t know, change the world?

 

My career assessment stopped at this point, I suppose. My whole world was drawing and taking pictures, so that had to be my career, right? An artist. Well it is my career, it’s all I know how to do and the only thing that makes sense at this point in my life, but I had my doubts.

 

I grew up in the beautiful city of Bogotá, Colombia, but it is not common for people to think that it is a good place to live in. Not many people love or respect my hometown, and for a long time neither did I. My dream was to become a filmmaker in this perfect city called Vancouver. In my last year of high school, I found out I was very good at math and that I loved science. My heart started to long to stay in my small and simple life, and I guess that if school had finished a week after, I wouldn’t be writing this. But my 17-year-old self was drunk with power. She wanted to leave and be surrounded by this big industry’s air, she wanted everyone to know her name, she wanted to be busy and prove a lot of things to a lot of people.

 

Two years later, after taking my leap of faith, I learned the meaning of the word “burnout.” I was extremely lost, tired and lonely, and I didn’t know who I was anymore. All I could think about was going home, hugingging my mom, doing stupid things with my friends and never hearing the word “Vancouver” ever again. I was so scared, all I knew was that I wanted to get into college, but I didn’t know what to do after it. Wait, are you telling me that my grades are worth nothing? That graduating with honors doesn’t open doors? That all the people who I helped in college are just going to move on without me? Are you telling me that people are not going to give me the jobs I’m applying to? That student loans must be paid?! That I must get groceries every time I run out of food?!?

 

I couldn’t handle it. I went straight back home, leaving everything behind.

 

But then I was home . . . and two years had passed without me. My room wasn’t my room anymore, that delicious ice cream I used to eat all the time tasted like butter, my allergies came back and the medications I used to take for them made me sleepy again. Mom was busy with my sister, my friends were hanging out with their new friends, passing cars didn’t stop when I was crossing the street and . . . I realized I wasn’t part of their lives anymore. This wasn’t 2019, it was 2021. I was not the person who left two years ago. My place was in that city I hated because of all the pressure I put myself under . . . all my hard work and burnout would be worthless if I didn’t go back. 

 

Then I started watching a series on Netflix called Maid and I realized that this is what life is about, breaking and building ourselves over and over, until we know how to handle it. Until we learn how to cook our lunch, until we know how to handle rejection, until we figure out how to accept ourselves and our lives. It’s not supposed to be easy . . . it’s supposed to be what it is meant to be. We’re supposed to fall until we learn how to fly, and I guess it’s about living as many experiences as possible so we can share them with people and maybe encourage them to keep going, cause maybe, just maybe . . .

 

What we need isn’t what we want, and you just must find out by walking a few uncomfortable steps further.

 

—

 

Max Rodriguez is a Colombian and Canadian who is an unstoppable artist with a strong passion for filmmaking.

The Weight of Expectations

Posted on by andrew

Julia Magsombol (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

As I’m writing this right now, I tend to wonder if this piece will be good enough for the reader’s expectations. 

 

It’s been a few days since I’ve had free time. I’ve been swamped with all my university projects and other work. I barely have time to talk to people and mingle with my family at home. I mostly lose track of time, as I have a lot of things to do. I have a lot of things to write. 

 

And with all these responsibilities, I tend to ask myself, “What do you want to achieve, Julia? What are your expectations?”

 

My expectations change every year. I tend to be confused about the things I really want.

 

I knew I wanted to be in the fashion industry when I was still in high school. I expected to take fashion courses when I reached university. I expected my work to be on runways when I got older. But those expectations are all gone, as my family does not want me to pursue those dreams. They expect me to take different courses, such as nursing, dentistry, or anything else that’s not associated with art. Sadly, I dropped my dream and never pushed the expectations that I longed for.

 

As I reached the end of high school, I wanted to be a writer. I was still unsure then, but that was my main goal. I decided to take journalism in university. After all, journalism is a degree and my family pretty much accepted it. 

 

During my first year, I thought that all my challenges were done. I expected that, once I finally got into university, I was going to be okay. I expected to just get my degree and prove something to my family. I could move on to the next phase of my life afterward. But it didn’t work like that. I faced failures and self–doubt. Now, in my third year of university, I’ve had to throw away those expectations again, as this phase of my life didn’t work as I expected. 

 

I told myself during those times that I would be working as a journalist by the time I reached my senior year of university. I expected to be a successful writer. I expected to be very different from other writers out there. Employers would get back to me after interviews and turn me down for jobs for two reasons: they said I wasn’t qualified, and that I’m not a good writer. Several of my editors, professors and colleagues were not pleased with all the pieces I wrote. I would rewrite and rewrite, over and over again. There are a lot of better writers out there who I couldn’t compare to. I threw out my expectations again, like a useless scratch paper into the trash can. 

 

I realized that I’ve been throwing out a lot of expectations. And it all feels like a scam. Every day you set expectations for yourself. You have motivations and plans. It feels good, and it’s comforting. But if none of your expectations work, you might doubt yourself. You might criticize yourself for all the expectations you made, when you expect something but never get it. I guess that’s life and it isn’t always fair for many of us. 

 

So now I ask myself, “What do you want to achieve, Julia? What are your expectations now? Should you still expect anything? What expectations do I still have?”

 

In the end, I realized that we all have different expectations in life. The expectations I have might conflict with other people’s expectations. The expectations I set for myself changed because of the expectations of other people. I set my expectations according to others’ expectations. So what’s good about expectations? 

 

It’s hard to grasp all these ideas, but I had this vision:

 

Maybe I should dream instead. Dream without expectations. Just dream. Don’t think about people’s expectations. Just mind your own business: make your dreams into reality. 

 

I realized that I can never meet anyone’s expectations because I am me. And that’s enough, as long as I’m doing my best and I have a reason to do things. It’s all enough. 

 

I hope I and others can live with this vision soon, without regrets. 

 

—

 

Julia Magsombol is currently a journalism student from Edmonton, Canada, who desires to bring hope to people through her writing. When not writing or reading, you can catch her sewing clothes, painting nature and drinking instant coffee.