Tag: self-love

Reconstruction

Posted on by andrew

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Janki Patel always put herself last, until she couldn’t hold herself together any more. Guided by a set of simple principles, Janki shares how she was able to build herself back up. 

 

Have you ever given great advice to others but never followed your own? That is the story of my life when it comes to self-empowerment.

 

It stemmed from my people-pleasing behavior. I was the kid who constantly needed approval for everything. Then, I became the teenager who wanted to put everyone first before herself. Eventually, it became about living through and for others.

 

People-pleasing sounds great but it’s far from it. You come off as this noble knight, but there is just darkness beyond the armor. It’s a way to run away from problems, emotions and sometimes your own life.

 

It took a lot of time and some rough experiences to realize that it’s crucial to be confident in myself, my choices and my abilities. I always feared I would come off as self-centered if I spoke up for myself too loudly or made decisions without consulting anybody. I was also scared to hurt those around me. It was difficult for me to give myself importance . . . it almost felt wrong.

 

I think the scariest part was concealing it all so well that no one had the slightest clue. Eventually, I hit a breaking point. I made impulsive decisions, I nearly dropped out of school and every part of me felt empty. I am a firm believer that sometimes we need to hit our lowest point to wake up. And I hit mine. Hard. 

 

This was where self-empowerment came into play. This was when I realized that I have full control over everything I choose. It was when I wanted to spill my feelings and cry my heart out.

 

My breaking point was when I heard my niece’s first cry. I was right outside the hospital room and my knees buckled. I sobbed helplessly, overwhelmed. It seems strange, but that was it. That was my moment. I felt like I had a chance.

 

I took it upon myself to figure how I could begin a process of empowerment. Here are some ideas that helped me:

  • Forgive. It sounds simple, but it was one of the most difficult things to do. It’s easier to feed yourself with negativity than to own up to mistakes and believe you will do better. However, forgiving yourself is very necessary because it is one of the ways you can allow yourself to move on. Does this mean all my actions were justified? No. But it did mean that I could learn from them and make better choices thereafter.


  • Talk. Sometimes I think there are several reasons why people choose to internalize over speaking to someone about their feelings. One of them might be that we never learned how to. So, one day, I just did it. I spoke to my family about everything I’d been feeling in the past few years. I remember feeling so nauseous moments before, but once we had a discussion, I felt liberated.


  • Do. If overthinking were an Olympic sport, I’d always win gold. It is one of the biggest reasons I never took positive risks and left my path empty. I still experience it, but I don’t give it full control. Now, I focus on doing things. I tell myself to take one chance, to try something just once, and go from there – bite-sized goals if you will.


  • Become friends with yourself. Will I ever be able to fully accept and be confident in myself 24/7? Not a chance. It is practically laughable. Sometimes I will be as stale as bread. But my point is, treat yourself with kindness, respect and care as much as you can. Think of how great of a friend you are to someone, and now imagine giving yourself the same treatment. It will go a long way. 

 

Self-empowerment is broad, personal and sometimes even scary. It does not happen overnight, but a gradual process is possible. I will continue to struggle with it every day, but that breaking point opened a world filled with little bursts of happiness for me. Living my life through and for others no longer makes sense to me.

 

It is still about gaining approval . . . but from a friend I’d been neglecting for too long. Me. 

How would you describe yourself, as your own friend? We’re just asking because we think you’re awesome and we hope you do, too! Meet up with us on our community platform, or in person at a Conscious Connections group!

Her Performance

Posted on by andrew

We all look different, so why should beauty standards encourage us to be the same? Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Prateek Sur has a story that will hopefully encourage us to shed fat-shaming thoughts and become more body-positive.

 

Actresses in the film and television industry are supposed to maintain a certain kind of image. Not only are they required to always look good, but they’re also asked to maintain a specific body type. In most cases, this body type is skinny, but with big breasts. But there are short people and there are tall people, there are rich people and there and poor people, there are good people and there are bad people – so, why are women, in general, required in society to always be good-looking, skinny, fair and curvy? It’s not right!

 

Let me share with you a story of a friend of mine, who had just landed in Mumbai – the heart of Bollywood – from a small town to become an actress back in 2013. She was overweight for Bollywood standards, and she had no qualms about it. She joined our theatre group and that’s how we became friends. Everyone in the theatre group used to tell her in hushed tones to try and lose some weight, as that would help her bag better roles. She wasn’t that bothered as she was quite a happy-go-lucky girl, and quite outspoken too about her not being a slimmer body type. She had no shame in accepting herself as who she was, and I especially liked her because of this.

 

Soon enough, the devil caught up with her.

 

The girl, who was always bubbly and charming, suddenly started being low on energy and confidence. Never before did she falter in her lines for a play, but suddenly she started forgetting her lines and, at times, gave double-takes. It was affecting the rest of our performances. We didn’t know what the issue was and she didn’t tell us when we used to hang out.

 

One day, she came in late for practice and informed us all that she left the gym late. When she had first arrived in town, she was totally against going to the gym and believed that her talent and her learnings at the film school would help her build a career in films and television. Now, seeing her hitting the gym, we all started questioning her as to what had happened. After a little bit of prodding, she finally broke down in front of us.

 

She opened up, saying that she had been going to almost 80-100 auditions a week and he had been rejected from all of them as she was not skinny enough. Other, skinnier girls, and sometimes even the casting directors’ assistants, made fun of her body at the auditions. In one of the auditions, she advanced to the second round and then, on camera, was laughed at by everyone present in the room. She felt humiliated, as if she had committed some crime by being born with her body. That’s when she decided to hit the gym and shed some weight.

 

We all noticed what she wasn’t noticing. She was trying to lose weight, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but she was also slowly slipping into depression. We could see the change in her attitude in the weeks to come. She stopped hanging out with us after practice, and whenever she did, she didn’t indulge in any food. That was impacting her mind and her inner peace.

 

We all used to try and motivate her and tell her to stay cheerful and tell her not to take casting directors’ words and decisions to heart. We all used to try and pump up her confidence, but she had gone down to a state where she had lost all hope of ever making it in the film and television industry. The fact that she wasn’t losing much weight despite a strict diet and sincere gymming was also adding to her woes.

 

One day she informed our theatre group teacher and leader that she was packing up her life in Mumbai and going back to her hometown. Our upcoming show would probably be her last show. Our teacher, along with the rest of us, tried to inspire her to not lose hope and stick on, but she had already made up her mind to return home.

 

She left after a few days.

 

I happened to get a call a few days after she had arrived back in her hometown, from her father. I am not sure how he got my number, but he called me out of utter concern for his daughter. He asked me what had happened to his daughter, as she had sent a girl who was full of life to Mumbai, but the one who had returned was someone totally different. She  hardly talked to them, never went out to meet her friends and would barely use her phone or laptop. She kept herself locked in her room most of the time. I told him what happened in Mumbai, as much as I knew. Her father felt sorry for the entire scenario and said that he would keep in touch with me if there was any other need.

 

After that, all of us from the theatre group barely got any responses from her to our messages. She never picked up our calls, and hardly ever joined our video chats. A few months later, she even left the WhatsApp groups of the theatre troupe. Slowly, we all disconnected from her.

 

Almost a year later, I got a call from a friend of mine who was casting for a TV show. As he had seen our play and had seen the girl perform on stage, he asked me for her contact. I told him that she might not pick up his calls as she was no longer in Mumbai and barely responded to any of ours. My friend asked me if there was a video recording of our play which had her performance in it. I had that recording on my laptop and sent it over to my friend.

 

A few days after that, my friend called me again and he sounded happy. He told me that he had shown the video of the play to the director and producers of the show, and they loved the girl’s performance. He asked me to get in touch with her somehow and ask her to come back to Mumbai for a face-to-face audition, as she was almost guaranteed to be cast for the show.

 

After getting all the details about the show from my friend, I remembered that I had the girl’s dad’s contact number. I called him, and sure enough, he recognised me. After the usual pleasantries, he informed me that his daughter had been seeing a therapist for almost a year for depression. I asked her father if he could give the phone to his daughter, as she wasn’t picking up any of our calls. Unable to convince his daughter to speak on the phone, he decided to just put the phone on speaker while holding it in front of her.

 

I told her that she had been almost finalised for a show on StarPlus TV’s upcoming new show as the lead actress. She started talking now, and I could hear that gleam of joy returning to her voice. She was inquisitive about the show. I told her all the details, about how it was one of India’s biggest television channels and the show was being made by one of the biggest TV czarinas in the Indian film and television industry. I told the girl about how I had sent the video of our play to my casting director friend and how things got into motion. The girl wanted to know the character that she was to play, and I told her that it was the lead. She couldn’t believe me, as she knew her looks and body type didn’t match that of any other lead actress, and she was thinking that she would be playing some small part. I had to assure her that she would indeed be the lead. She fit the bill perfectly.

 

As it happened, they were looking for an actress who was heavier than the Bollywood standard, and thus could bring freshness to the show.

 

Soon afterward, she was back in Mumbai. She did the final look tests and got selected for the show. Within minutes of her being selected, I could see that she had gone back to being that old happy-go-lucky girl whom I had come to know for some time.

 

The makers of the show didn’t ask her to lose any weight, as the show demanded someone who could steal the audience’s hearts with her performance, and not by their physical appearance.

 

And that’s exactly what happened. The show went on to become one of the most popular shows of the year. The girl went on to win a couple of awards at popular award shows for her performance as well. She is back to being her real self now, and there is no depression anymore in her personal life. On the contrary, she has started using her Instagram page to share body positivity stories and give a piece of her mind to people who think that actresses must only be of a specific body type.

 

Isn’t that women’s empowerment at its best? She is sharing from her own experiences to empower others.

 

She is now one of the leading actresses in her genre and has millions of fans. Despite becoming so famous, she hasn’t forgotten us from the theatre troupe. She always meets us and chats with us whenever she’s free. At the same time, she uses her popularity to make young girls entering the film industry aware of the perils she faced at the start, how she overcame her depression and how everyone should have good friends around who can help them lift their spirits.

 

Now, looking at her story, it is up to us to ensure that weight is no longer a bane, but a boon for actresses everywhere.

 

Indeed, let’s all work on eliminating shame from the social discourse about peoples’ bodies. If you have a tale of body positivity, please share it with us in the comments below, or on any of our social media platforms – help inspire us all to love each other unconditionally!

How to Cope with Racial Tension as a Biracial Person (and Take Your Power Back!)

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Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Daniel Quinney’s mixed-race background has prompted the same set of conversational questions over and over again, but for a long time Daniel struggled with finding an answer to feeling disconnected and excluded. For anyone who has felt the same way in this increasingly polarized world, Daniel shares some ideas on how to create a space where you belong.

 

As an individual of biracial heritage with an Irish-Canadian mother and an African father, I have always struggled with the fact that I often feel that I come from two different worlds.

 

How can a person, with one parent from a dominant group in society and another from a racialized group, deal with the tension that arises from belonging to both groups? Or the unwelcome feeling that they belong to neither?

 

How do we find our voice to speak up and live our truth as only we can?

 

Too black for white people. Too white for black people. 

 

I’ve heard these sentiments echoed often from people I know who have mixed-race backgrounds like mine. 

 

When I was younger, people would ask, “So, what are you?” Of course, it would be game time for me at this point, so I would tell them that I am a person.

 

A human was also acceptable if I wanted to be extra cute.

 

So they would then ask, “Ok, but what is your nationality? “

 

I would say Canadian. They would come back with, “Yeah, yeah, but what is your ethnicity?”

 

I knew what they were getting at. Even though I was born in Vancouver, I would eventually relent and give them what they want.

 

Half-Tanzanian, half-Irish, I would say. 

 

At an earlier age, I would have simply said half-African, but as time passed I think I wanted to up the level of difficulty a little (a bit of a pattern with me).

 

Yet ever since I found a deeper appreciation for the African side of my identity as a teenager, I often had this nagging feeling that half of me was on the wrong side of a conversation or dispute that had been going on long before I was born.

 

I gradually came to understand that people of all walks of life, of all colours, abilities, genders and orientations, can feel disconnected or without a sense of belonging in this world, and that I didn’t have a monopoly on that feeling of not fitting in. Over time, I found constructive ways to do something about what I was experiencing.

 

Along that journey, I developed coping mechanisms to give myself, as a biracial person, a sense of place and belonging in the world. I hope I have done an adequate job of passing these on to my children, and others as well.

 

  • Love your uniqueness: Only you are exactly like you. Be proud of yourself, both mentally and physically. Textured hair? Green eyes? Big ol’ butt? Don’t be ashamed of the features that make you unique as a mixed-race person. Don’t hide what you are, embrace it. Forget about the so-called “traditional” standard of beauty; it’s a new world out there. 

 

  • Use your creative voice at work and within your community: Be vocal about the things you care about. Listen to the stories of other voices, other communities, other races. Support causes you truly believe in. If you are an artist of any kind, reflect that passion in your artwork, whatever it is, since it is a reflection of you and your thoughts.

 

  • If you can’t give dollars, give your time:  Give back to the generations that are coming up. Volunteer to be a mentor, or a tutor if you are an expert in your field. By the way, we are all experts in something. Time to pay it forward.

 

  • Share your culture: Go to the festivals. Celebrate the customs of both cultures, whatever they may be. Talk about your history and the story of your family. Encourage strong ties with grandparents on both sides. Embrace and show off the things you enjoy about your culture(s) with your kids, and your friends too. 

 

  • It’s OK to not talk about race all the time: Not everyone is a Malcolm X or an Oprah or MLK or Obama, and that’s just fine. People define themselves in different ways, least of all by race, and that’s the way it should be.

 

  • Don’t play the role or try to fit a stereotype: Find positive role models who look like you and embody the way you want to be and how you want to live. Trust me, they’re out there in abundance.

 

  • Racist situations can be teaching opportunities: If people you encounter in everyday life say inappropriate or racist things, call it what it is . . . politely and in a nonviolent way. Safety is the priority, no matter what feelings get riled up in the heat of the moment. This is a time to show others the way to confront racism, so take advantage of it. Take emotions out of it, and just call it by name and say why it is wrong, but be safe.

 

  • Take care of yourself: The endless race and culture debate, whether experienced first-hand in a spirited discussion with colleagues or through the media, can bring a kind of fatigue or numbness. When this occurs, in your personal life or out in the world, make sure to take some time out for yourself to reflect and heal.

 

  • Be prepared to talk about the bad days as well as the good: Talk about racism, the legacy of slavery and other uncomfortable things, and in the process, you will educate others, both on the progress that has been made and how we still have to move forward. Truth is truth.

 

How has your race, ethnicity and/or nationality informed who you are? Share your stories with us on any of our social media platforms, in person at a Conscious Connections meeting, or simply hop down to the comments below!

With Confidence

Posted on by andrew

Low Entropy Volunteer Writer Alexandra Dadivas emerged from the depths of negative self-talk and peer pressure with the support of a very special person. Now committed to bringing others up with her, Alexandra speaks to the importance of creating a chain reaction of love and positivity.

 

For the past couple of years, my biggest personal project has been myself. Being a high school student, I am constantly immersed in an environment that points out which parts of you are acceptable for society and which parts are not. I know that, for me personally, the majority of my insecurities were not insecurities before society told me they were. Like so many others, I fell down a deep hole, into a relentless mindset that if others didn’t like me, I wasn’t allowed to love myself. Me? Looking like this? I didn’t believe I deserved it. Mirrors taunted me. Pictures and videos triggered voices in my head screaming at me that I was a complete waste of space and that it was hopeless for me to ever be considered pretty. It wasn’t fair. Everyone else was so beautiful and easy to love, so what was wrong with me?

 

I then came across a treasure – I met one of my dearest friends, Pat. She took on a sister-like role almost immediately after we clicked, and I still can’t believe I got lucky enough for her to enter my life. We quickly became comfortable with opening up to one another, free from the fear of judgement. When she told me she was just as insecure about herself as I was, it was as if my brain couldn’t comprehend such an idea. She was perfect to me, beautiful on the inside and out, and it confused me how she didn’t see that. Instead of showering me with the seemingly typical compliments of pity, she made a suggestion that ended up changing the way I lead my life: “Why don’t we climb this mountain together?”

 

Together. For the longest time, it felt like it was just me in this infinite well, with no hope of being free. Yet here comes along this light that manages to seep through the cracks, allowing me to finally breathe. She said we were going to tackle this one baby step at a time, and that we were going to catch one another if we fell. We recognized that we were not going to carry the other person to the top so much as guide them, for everyone has their own unique mountain to climb. And so that’s what we did. For two years, we both stumbled and we both almost gave up numerous times, but we had each other’s back. I can now proudly say that, though I am not at the summit just yet, I am so much farther than when I first started my journey – my journey to love every single aspect of me, whether it is deemed acceptable to society or not.

 

My 2020 New Year’s resolution was to feel comfortable in my own skin. With Pat by my side, I have achieved so many small personal goals, but I have also helped achieve some of hers along the way. It’s an incredible feeling, to see someone grow right before your very eyes. I found myself craving that feeling, and so I made it my 2021 resolution to try to extend the sensation of being confident enough in yourself that you live your life with no fear anymore. I am no longer afraid to wear the clothes I want to wear, to act the way I want to act, and to do the things that I am passionate about. If I have the power and opportunity to extend such an experience to other teenagers like me, I want to take it.

 

Empowering others is like a garden of flowers. All it takes is one strong flower to bloom and shed its seeds, and from there it is an endless domino effect. That is the beautiful thing about helping others with confidence – once someone gains confidence in themselves, they gain confidence in others as well. They begin to believe in people and feel the need to spread self-love to as many individuals as possible. This then leads to creating an incredible community of people who all started in different places and all have their own stories, but ultimately have the same goal. This community acts as an enormous wall of support for humans who are trying to get to where they want to be, and just need a little push. 

 

If you are not where you want to be on this mountain yet, join hands with another. You may not realize it, but everyone has had the same cruel thoughts running through their heads as you have. Likewise, everyone has their time to bloom, including you! This body of people is constantly expanding, so no matter where you are or where you go, know that you always have a place to turn to, and I am proudly a part of that place.

If you’re looking for a supportive, encouraging group of people, Low Entropy might be the place for you! Check out our online community or drop by a Conscious Connections meet-up to keep that domino effect going!