Neema Ejercito (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer
Especially during this pandemic, people have often used the word “hope” or its synonyms to try to make it through each day. I have certainly used it on different occasions, ranging from wanting to see someone in person again to attempting to comfort someone who is sick or has lost a loved one. Being hopeful has definitely been a necessary attitude to have as the pandemic drags on.
Is there ever a time when it becomes negative, though? I think hopefulness turns negative when it is used as rose-colored glasses. I would associate this with the term “toxic positivity,” when negative feelings are denied, blanketed with false comfort.
I remember when I became a mother for the first time, and I heard about children being the greatest blessings in the world and motherhood being a gift. I definitely agree with both statements, but I don’t always feel that way. Sure, there were a lot of cheerful motherhood and parenting books, but I gravitated towards Anne Lamott’s Operating Instructions, a very honest and unpopular view of pregnancy, at least in my circle. When I heard about a friend who literally wanted to throw her crying baby out of the window, I couldn’t help but relate to her.
I think genuine hopefulness is grounded in reality — the harsh, glaring, explosive, maddening, quiet, boring — whatever that reality is. Genuine hopefulness sees a situation or a person so truthfully that it can see past behaviour and what is prominent, but it can’t do that if it’s not rooted or based on what is. If hopefulness becomes an escape or a mask, it won’t help a person move forward. This kind of hopefulness will stunt a person’s growth, blind them and cause them to stop being open and flexible to what the situation calls for or to what the person they are relating to genuinely needs.
Going back to my motherhood example, if I kept on hoping that my kids would turn out to be great adults without taking into account that my shortcomings, with even my bestest of intentions, will mess them up or that they will make mistakes that will hurt me, my false hope may gloss over their weaknesses and trumpet only their strengths. They may grow up to think that they can truly do anything or be anyone they want to be without the discipline that comes with working on getting to know themselves and their dreams, or neglect to consider whether they currently have the skills and education to achieve their dreams or better themselves, and what to do about the gap in between.
I can understand why people might use hopefulness in a negative way, without being aware that they are doing so, or without really meaning to do so. The other option would mean stepping outside of their comfort zones or facing a truth that is too painful to bear. In order to survive, it might feel easier for us to just keep hoping for the best, without fully grasping that sometimes the best isn’t what we want.
I tend to be suspicious of things that sound too good to be true, and that is what negative hopefulness sounds like to me. I also try to be careful about sounding negatively hopeful because it is easy to do. Empathizing with someone can be draining, and I’ve noticed that when I’m emotionally spent, I easily switch to blanket cheer-up phrases. When actively being present for someone is what the situation calls for, and I am distracted by what I’m going to make for dinner or what my schedule is the next day, I will attempt to speed up the time by hoping that a quick fix will be enough.
The bottom line is that being genuinely hopeful is not easy. It’s an active, rather than passive, word. Genuine hope changes a situation because it requires us to see something that might have been worse as eventually possibly being something better. But what we see is not always on our terms. Being negatively hopeful is attempting to see something on our terms even when it is not. I think in our humanity, it is normal to feel negatively hopeful. But I hope we are able to move past that.
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Neema Ejercito is a professional writer, director and creative writing mentor. Her 3D edutainment series for beginning readers, AlphaBesties, is showing in YouTube Japan and Prairie Kids. When she’s not writing or mentoring, she manages her household with her very supportive husband and three children.