Low Entropy Guest Contributor
All I’ve known is dysfunction, chaos and drama. This was the norm to me. I had a tendency to “fall in love” after only knowing someone for a week . . . I would chalk this up to fate or destiny! We’d been waiting our whole lives, and we finally found one another. The beginning of our romance novel was exciting and intense. We would think of each other all day, send one another countless messages, fall asleep on the phone together. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It was magic, the chemistry was beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. After a month or two, we couldn’t bear to be apart, so we quickly rearranged our lives and moved in together. Now the rest of our lives could begin, and we could live happily ever after.
But shortly after living together, I would recognize sides of him that I didn’t notice before, like jealousy and anger. At first, I thought it was cute that he was jealous.
“He just loves me so much, and he can’t stand the thought of losing me . . . awww, that’s so sweet.”
When he would have bursts of anger, I would tell myself that he needed me to love him because he’d never experienced real love before, and that’s why he reacted in such angry ways. I could be the one to love him so much that his anger would eventually fade away.
Not true.
His anger never faded away.
I must have replayed this movie four or five times. You’d think I’d get tired of the same old story, but I seem to find comfort in familiarity.
After my last dysfunctional relationship, I charged my partner with assault and was forced to go no-contact with him, due to the charges I placed on him. This helped me escape the trauma bond that I found myself in, once again. I finally interrupted my pattern of attracting toxic relationships and, at last, I’m free of the chaos, drama and dysfunction that I grew accustomed to.
So what’s next?
I find I have a lot more time on my hands to be with me. I’ve come face-to-face with who I am, and I’m forced to acknowledge all the parts of me. No longer can I distract myself in the chaos of a toxic relationship. Instead, I find myself . . . bored. If all you’ve ever known is drama and that drama subsides, normality can take some time to adjust to.
My codependent tendencies have shown up in other ways, but at least now I’m aware of them.
Codependency. The need to be liked, to be accepted and to feel loved. If I can make someone else need/love/want me . . . then I must be worthwhile. I must be important.
In reality, I have to need/love/want myself. I have to stop picking myself apart and start appreciating who I am and how far I’ve come.
Sure, there are things about me that I’m not in favor of. I can be cranky, selfish and insecure. But I can also be real, authentic and vulnerable.
Instead of focusing on all the things I don’t like about myself, I’m choosing to focus on all the things I do like about myself. I like my openness and willingness to learn. I like my “just do it” attitude. I like my fashion sense. I like my awareness and commitment to grow and evolve into my full potential.
I like what I’m doing right now. I like liking myself.
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