Decisions, Decisions

MacKenzie Chalmers (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

Often we look back at our lives and remember all of the good and bad memories. We think of the accomplishments we achieved or the friends we’ve made and lost. We remember the adventures we went on and the feelings we had during these adventures. 

 

What if we sat back and considered all of the decisions we have made up until this point? Were they the right ones? The wrong ones? Could things have been done differently to achieve a different result? Should things have been done differently?

 

When I look back on my past I can remember many decisions I made that have impacted my life. I remember the struggle or nervousness I had for some and the confidence or excitement I had with others. There are many decisions of mine that stick out to me.

 

In high school, I was one of the few recommended for a specialized art program. This is an additional art class taken each year alongside the standard art class and students that are in this advanced class generally audition prior to high school beginning in the ninth grade. There were open spots available for a few students to be able to join for the following year and to remain in it until graduation in the twelfth grade. 

 

It was a big decision for me that, in my eyes, had many positive and negative factors. It was great because I would have a chance to be surrounded by a class with students that all enjoyed art and wanted to learn. I would also get to have two art classes a year rather than one and learn a lot more skills and forms of art. 

 

I was hesitant because the expectations would be higher from the teachers and I may not do as well as I am used to performing in a class. Throughout primary/elementary school I was the student always praised for my art skills, however, in high school when I began taking the standard art class prior to being recommended, I witnessed the talent other students had. It was great, but I felt my confidence reduce and at times I would look at my art and only see the improvement that needed to be made. My hesitation formed with the idea that I would be surrounded by all of these talented students and my teachers would wonder why I was in the program.

 

With all of these factors in mind, I knew I still wanted to try it out and I could change my mind after the following year if I really wanted to. If I had not made the decision to join the program, many parts of my life would have changed. I would not have gained the confidence I needed and I would not have developed and improved my existing skill set. My love for art began as a child, but my love for digital media was found in high school. There is a chance I would not have heard about the two digital-based art classes that were available to take if I had not taken on the program. 

 

Traditional forms of art to digital-based art possess the same principles. We always have to consider colour, line, shape and many more principles in our work. A photographer would not just pull out their camera and snap a photo. They would pull out that camera, look at their surroundings and look at the subject of their photo. They would consider all components that would be in the photo. The composition of the subject and the background and how everything comes together with the colours, shapes, lines and other principles to make the photograph complete. 

 

Trying new things can be scary. It is hard to go out of your comfort zone and not know what the outcome of the decision you make will have. It can be hard to admit you may have been wrong and change the decision, or hard to admit you were right and deal with the resulting changes in your life. 

 

Thinking about my decision to join the advanced art program in high school, I do not regret it. I cannot imagine what career path I would have pursued if I had not joined the program and later discovered digital art. I would not have discovered the talent I had for digital art and not have discovered all of the possibilities available in life and career. 

 

 

MacKenzie is a digital media enthusiast with interests in various aspects of media. She takes part in novel hunting, photo and video creating, and creative writing.

A Letter to Myself

Bethany Howell (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

It’s been quite the year, hasn’t it?

 

You laughed until your ribs hurt and cried through so many cold nights.

You survived even on the days where you broke and you grew from that fight.

 

That thing you’ve been waiting for happened and that great fear came true.

That event didn’t matter as much as you thought and now you are able to see things that do.

 

You lost so much and yet were always able to keep your grasp.

You were better than you expected to be and, yes, those punches hit harder than they should have.

 

You rediscovered yourself and relearned things you thought you knew.

All this to say, my dear, you did well and I am so proud of you.

 

 

My name is Bethany Howell and I am a third-year university student majoring in psychology and minoring in family and child studies. I have a passion for writing and mental health, and my ultimate goal since age 13 has been to make a difference in the world through helping others, which is how I ended up here at Low Entropy!

The Problem with Goodbyes

Bethany Howell (she/her/hers), Low Entropy Volunteer Writer

 

I have always had trouble letting go. For as long as I can remember, I have held onto the past far too tightly, distracting me from the present. Saying goodbye has been especially difficult for me: the finality of it was far too much for my naïve mind to take. Once someone was gone, there could be no more conversations, no more gentle touches, no more time spent in each other’s company. I can recall doing just about anything I could think of to be able to spend five more minutes with my best friend or one more night at summer camp. Yet, no matter how hard I fought, I would always end up having to say goodbye through tear-clouded eyes.

 

Leaving was tough, not only because the good times were over, but also because I knew they would always be held within my memory. I could replay the time I had over and over in my mind, yet I could never truly relive it. As time marches on, memory fades. What used to be recalled in vibrant colour dulls with each passing year. However, with this, the wounds left by those who had bid farewell began to heal. Scars remained, but the pain subsided.

 

As I grew, I began to accept the small losses, but I was still unable to shrug off the greater issues. I lost my closest friend nearly a year ago. She had chosen to become involved with situations that hurt her and left me when I could no longer support her. I wish I could say that I never blamed myself, but to do so would be a lie. I spent months gathering evidence for what I had done wrong – reversing time in my mind and replaying scenarios to figure out how to ‘fix it.’ There was, of course, no way to resolve this issue. My family and my partner assured me that I had done the best I could and that I held on longer than most friends would have, yet I still hung onto what had happened, never letting myself forget the small mistakes I had made.

 

I realize now that it was never really saying goodbye that I had an issue with, nor was it losing those close to me. The hardest part was what was left after the fact. The hardest part was knowing that it will never really be over and that the goodbye was not the grand finale I had hoped for.

 

Love haunts us. It leaves remnants of itself on everything it touches. I know now that certain books, films, even clothes still bear the name of those who have already said their goodbyes. I cannot help but be reminded of those who have hurt me and those who had to leave far too soon, but I can choose to not let it affect me negatively. Life will always be filled with memories, both good and bad. It is a curse, yes, but it is also one of the greatest parts of living. Without the bad memories, how could we learn? Without the good, for what would we be living?

 

To truly live in the present, one has to let go of the past. That does not mean totally forgetting what has occurred, but instead remembering and accepting it. Memories may have the power to overtake us, but we also have the power to use them. I am still working towards accepting what happened between myself and my friend; however, I am no longer ashamed of what I did. Though it is a small step, I am proud of myself for trying to improve. 

 

Life can be difficult to navigate, especially when you are carrying years of baggage, but there is always hope and I am choosing to focus on the good. I do not plan on dropping all the weight of what has occurred, but I do try to lighten the load day by day. After all, acceptance is a process, not a sudden state of being. Though I am no expert on this topic by any means, I can honestly recommend acceptance of the past and focus on the present to anyone struggling with letting go.

 

 

My name is Bethany Howell and I am a third-year university student majoring in psychology and minoring in family and child studies. I have a passion for writing and mental health and my ultimate goal since age 13 has been to make a difference in the world through helping others, which is how I ended up here at Low Entropy!